It's August 31st and the night is calmly bustling. The GO train picks up speed after taking off from Union, where Chloe and I embarked on after finishing our shift at the Timmies on Queensway.

I lean my head back and look at the ceiling, feeling the reverberations of the train’s movement through my skull. It feels good. My headache’s been steadily getting worse for the past hour, so this is a welcome distraction.

Beside me, Chloe’s giving me the latest update on some drama involving three of our co-workers, oblivious to my indifference. I know she’s just trying to distract me, but sometimes I wish she would just stop.

“-so Zion left her on read but responded to Lee, so Elissa was pretty pissed about that. She hasn’t had a shift with him since then, but she told me that – “

“Hey, um, can you tell me the rest tomorrow? My headache’s getting pretty bad,” I interject, my eyes still turned toward the ceiling.

“Yeah, sure,” she mumbles, her voice quiet. She pulls out her phone and plugs her earbuds in.

I feel bad for cutting her off, but the pounding in my head just keeps getting worse. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned over the past five months, it’s that mental health has to be a priority.

In March, my parents and my younger brother Stephen were in a car crash. They were on their way to drop him off at his guitar lesson when they were crushed by an 18-wheeler that made a turn that was just a little too wide. A simple, everyday mistake.

But it killed them. Suddenly I was left alone in the world, and the world didn’t stop just because mine did. It was like someone had pulled a rug out from under me. One second, I’d been a studious nursing student with a 4.0, and the next I was an orphan. I had to grieve, learn how to pay bills, and navigate the legal technicalities all on my own. And since all our extended family members lived too far away to be of much help, it felt like I’d been completely left in the dust.

It was a dark time. I don’t remember a lot of it. But I managed to get through it, sacrificing my previously normal life for one where adulting and working were my reality. I deferred my exams and took them months later and put school, which had been my life for the past three years, on hold. It was a painful decision. I loved being in nursing; biology, anatomy, technical science and practical work made it a dream career for me, but I didn’t have enough money saved up to keep paying the bills for my family’s house and also pay for school. I told myself I would go back as soon as I could, but I have no idea when that will be.

I got a job at the Timmies where Chloe’s been working for the past few years. Chloe and I were in the same program at the same school and had mutual friends, so she reached out to me after the news broke about my family. I’ve never been very good at making friends, so I really appreciated her support. She’s a bit chatty, but well-intentioned. And since I’ve inadvertently been distancing myself from everyone since I dropped out of school, it’s not like I have a right to complain.

I glance at her now. She’s zoned out, eyes closed with 7 Rings blasting from her earbuds just loud enough for me to her. I’m slightly relieved that she won’t try to talk to me for the rest of the train ride.

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I do appreciate Chloe, but she can be a lot sometimes. We live in the same neighbourhood and often have shifts together at Timmies, so whenever we end up on the same train back home, she typically talks the whole time while I nod and pretend to pay attention.

But today, I’m exhausted. I woke up at 5 am to deal with some bill payments, then I was on my feet for 10 hours during my shift. I honestly can’t wait to get home and pass out.

I rest my head against the seat and close my eyes.

I don’t remember when I fell asleep, just that I wake up to find Chloe gently shaking me awake. “Aniya. We’re almost at our stop,” she murmurs.

We grab our things and disembark the train, walking in silence for a few minutes until we get to the light.

“Sorry for cutting you off earlier,” I say. “I’m pretty exhausted today.”

She shrugs. “It’s fine, I get it. D’you want an Advil?”

“Nah, I think I’ll just sleep it off.”

The light changes to the walk sign and we cross the street. Chloe lives with a few other girls in a house on the next street, so she waves goodbye to me and takes off in that direction, leaving me to walk the rest of the way on my own.

People say that Scarborough’s not safe at night, but I honestly think that depends on where you live. I live way on the east side near Pickering, where the houses are big and spaced out and the neighbours all know one another and are well-off enough to hire people to shovel their driveways.

I always thought my family seemed a little too out of place here. For starters, my parents didn’t actually buy our house; it’s my grandma’s, and my dad got it after she passed. My mom was a teacher and my dad was a writer, but their savings got drained after they put my grandparents in a home. Unfortunately, I only found how little they actually had saved after they passed.

Also, my parents didn’t really talk to our neighbours. My dad was always awkward and uncomfortable when talking to new people; that’s a trait he unfortunately passed on to me. My mom was also pretty quiet and preferred to keep to herself rather than expand her bubble, and my brother was the same way even though he was only eight. Overall, we were an introverted family, but that suited us just fine.

It’s only now that I consider that being so closed off actually might not have been the best decision. All my life, I’ve never really been close with anyone, and the few friends I had were mostly for convenience, but I was comfortable with that fact because I had my family. And my routine. Everything made sense, and it was easy.

Well, it’s definitely not easy anymore, I think begrudgingly as I trudge on toward my house. I’m walking on Lawrence now, so I should be home in a few minutes. My headache’s also finally starting to go away, so that’s also a plus.

The street is pretty quiet now, save for the occasional car whizzing by. The air is cool but pleasant with a faint perfume of car exhaust wafting from the road. The sky is a deep midnight blue, almost black with grey streaks indicating where the clouds lie, illuminated by the mellow quarter moon. It’s calm and quiet. A typical night.

I hike my bag up higher on my shoulder. Almost there, I tell myself. Then I can flop on my bed and close my eyes and sleep.

But then I get the weirdest sensation I’ve ever felt and everything turns upside down.

It was like being shot with a thousand tiny needles, being sucked into a vacuum tube, and being doused in ice water all at once. I couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, couldn’t breathe. Every molecule in my body simultaneously turned to ice and burned – then stopped feeling anything at all. It was excruciating, and then it was nothing. I was suddenly weightless, floating, evaporating from my body and where I stood on the ground. I was untethered to the world. It felt like I didn’t exist anymore.

All of this happened in one horrible second. The world around me, which had seemed so ordinary and normal just a moment ago, faded to a blindingly painful white light, enshrouding and consuming me completely. I wanted to scream –

Then I open my eyes.