Cute little nose, edible tiny ears, brown locks finer than the finest of silks - that’s what mommy always said of me. That I was graceful and huggable, sweet and edible. Again, edible. That was her favourite word. I was sugar to her; the spice of her life. She loved me the most.
“Dolly!” I remember her saying when I stumbled on a door frame. “Be careful my little sugar puff. Sit down and let mommy have a cuddle. Don’t you worry lil’ pumpkin: I’ll clothe you, feed you...”
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This day was much the same. I woke up next to mommy - daddy had left for work already - she chose a frilly dress for me to wear, donned it on me and carried me to the dining table where she cooked me breakfast. The smell coming from the pan was delightful; the clove and honey mixed with mommy’s love and care was the best.
The food brought in front of me, its aroma, it all felt what mommy calls colourful. “Here you go honey, now open your mouth, mommy’s delicious recipe will melt your heart.”
The spoon traveled somewhere in the vicinity and when I opened my mouth the mildly warm piece of french toast found its way.
“Mommy, it’s good!”
She loved praises.
“I know…”
She was smiling, I think. She sounded like it at least - happy. She had said that she smiles a lot, mommy, when she’s with me or especially when she’s with daddy. Daddy’s always working, so he trusts me to keep mommy’s spirits up while he’s out there keeping us well off.
The spoonfuls kept coming until I declared myself to be full. There was plenty more made just in case, mommy always does that.
“When is daddy coming home?”
“Soon enough dear. Richard had a night shift so it shouldn’t be long. Daddy’s going to bring us some pizza as well, and ice cream for dessert!”
Richard - daddy’s name. They always call each other by their names. Richard this and Anne that, but to me they are and always will be mommy and daddy. Daddy even calls me by my full name sometimes - Dolores Hazel.
Mommy took my hand and helped me to my feet. She guided us through the kitchen to the family sofa, a big, fluffy, cushioned set right beside the radio which she opened and tuned. A mellow, light song was playing. I knew that it was from a band called Beatles, mommy’s favourite, but I couldn’t remember the name. The song was to my liking, and mommy sang along, taking hold of my hands and feigning dance.
“... Cellophane flowers of yellow and green
Towering over your head
Look for the girl with the sun in her eyes
And she's gone
Lucy in the sky with diamonds…”
Yellow and green…
“Mommy?”
“Yes dear?”
“What does yellow and green look like?”
It took awhile for her to answer. Usually she’s much quicker to explain things I can’t experience.
“Yellow... is like the sun and pineapples, light and jovial, a bagful of fun. Bright and happy color that makes you feel good when seen…”
Mommy hugged me tightly and hoisted me onto her lap. Her touch was pleasant and kind.
“And green… well, much like freshly mowed grass, the smell and the feel on your soles when you walk on it… When I think of green I think of nature. The treetops, plants and leaves. Gentle on eyes...”
“You like it? Looking at green?”
She laughed. Mommy laughed.
“I guess I do!”
Ring ring… ring ring....
The phone rang.
Ring ring… ring ring...
Mommy squeezed and settled me down after a kiss onto my forehead.
Ring ring… ring ring…
She moved back to the kitchen and click - the ringing stopped.
“Anne Hazel speaking.”
Beatles obstructed most of what I heard from the caller, but mommy’s tone seemed tense.
It’s daddy I bet. He’s coming late again… It’s fine, I’m still full from the breakfast.
“...Richard...another woman… ...flight left…”
Something crashed and silence ensued. Mommy stayed silent.
Must be something important that happened at work, usually mommy speaks over daddy a lot. Did mommy drop something?
“What was the noise mommy? Is daddy going to be late? I’m fine if he's coming late, he always does that. Mommy?”
She didn’t answer. I waited - mommy said nothing. She didn’t move, did not make any sound. Mommy always made sounds.
“Mommy? Is - wha... - is daddy late? I didn’t hear daddy’s voice, was it someone from work?”
Nothing. I couldn’t do anything but wait. If everything was alright - I couldn’t have know. Then mommy began to walk. She walked past me and turned the radio up. The sound was so loud my ears hurt.
“Mommy!?”
Heavy gasps, like someone trying to breath for the first time, screams and sobs barely carried over the music. Everything was not fine.
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Mommy’s face - damp and moist - buried deep within my bosom as we settled down on the large family bed. Her form shivered, disheveling the bedsheets and the blanket under which mommy wanted to coil earlier than at most evenings. This time the bedtime came without routines. No brushing teeth - I was fine with that - no shower with mommy.
The day had been rough for her so I understood why she would want to huddle for warmth the way we did. After the call she refused to tell me what had happened. She didn't speak to me much the whole day. I was left in darkness.
Did something really happen to daddy? Is he fine? When is he coming back?
I didn’t dare to make my concerns heard, mommy was sleeping and so should I.
_________________________________________________________________________
“Good morning mommy!”
No answer. I waved around trying to catch her under my embrace and almost fell down, but she was nowhere on the bed. She had always been with me when I woke up. Mommy was always there to carry or assist me to the dining table.
She might be in the bathroom.
“Mommy! I’m up already! Mommy!”
Nothing.
“Mommy!”
Nothing.
“Mommy?”
She was nowhere to be heard. I carefully crawled onto the side of the bed and slid my feet onto the floor. It was cold and chilled my soles.
Slowly I leaned against the wall, the cold wallpaper pressing against my chest as I sidestepped my way out of the bedroom.
At the closed door leading to the guest’s chambers i heard something. Someone was tapping on a keyboard, occasionally humming and giggling.
Mommy?
I opened the door. The typing stopped immediately and the office chair made a violent noise.
“Oh! Dolly! Wha... you woke up. I-I… I was… just... chatting! Yes, chatting with an old friend!”
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She sounded nervous and agitated. I might have surprised her.
“O-okay. Can we eat now? I’m hungry.”
“Of course Dolly, just… wait a bit. Go back to bed for a minute, mommy has something she needs to finish.”
“I’ll wait.”
She sighed and began to write again.
“Fine…”
Mommy sounds like she's angry… The talk with the friend might be going badly.
On further notice that did not seem to be the case. She giggled, laughed and enjoyed herself, but the giggles and laughs always ended abruptly to coughs.
“Are you cold? It’s cold all around. Especially the floors.”
“Sure… Let’s go Dolly.”
Mommy guided me to the table and made something hastily. She put a bowl a plate in front of me, grabbed my wrist and put a spoon in my hand.
“Mommy? You’re not going to feed me?”
She hurried away from the room.
“You’ll be fine. You’re almost thirteen anyway.”
I was left to fend for myself. From the footsteps I could hear that she most likely returned into the guests’ room.
I located the bowl, dipped the spoon in and ate. It was tomato soup, cold tomato soup. I never liked tomatoes.
Mommy spent the rest of the day with the computer. I was supposed to listen the radio or play with my toys.
I had no toys, neither could I operate the radio.
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The next day began much the same. Mommy had already vanished when I woke up and I found her with the computer again, chatting passionately with someone. This time via voice chat.
She didn’t notice me when I opened the door and came in. She most likely wore headphones because I couldn't hear who she was talking to.
“Because she’s... blind? Okay. Yes... I want! So anytime? R-really? Y-yeah, I can do that… I love Spain…. I love you too-”
“Is it daddy?”
Mommy rocketed up, the chair crashing into the floor and something else falling down as well.
“Dolly… Again… Don’t sneak up on me. Why don’t you go eat something, I’m in a middle of a conversation here.”
“I can’t mommy. I don’t know how to make anything.”
“You’re thirteen! Just… go to the kitchen. I’ll come shortly. Go! Hush hush!”
“O-okay.”
When mommy left the room, she didn’t come straight for me. I could hear her opening cabinets, throwing things on the floor and eventually a rolling sound that stopped at our front door.
“So food is what you want huh?”
“Y-yeah.”
Mommy was acting weird. Her tone was not pleasant at all.
“I’ll go get you some pizza then, the pizza that Richard, YOUR DADDY didn’t bring! Dolly’s going to sit here and wait - it’s not like you’d be able to do anything else!”
“Y-you d-don’t need mommy. I-I can do without!”
“NO!”
I flinched and fell down onto the chair I sat on. Tears began to build up.
“You stay here! You can’t do anything right! You can’t do anything! Dangerous, evil men would eat you! They would tear you apart and munch down every last bit of you! You - blind idiot!”
As my lips tasted what moistened my cheeks mommy had started to run.
“Mommy don’t leave! Please! Mommy! I can see, I promise! I’ll see so please don’t leave! Mommy!”
The slamming of the door nearly escaped me. My cries and screeches - she heard them, I’m certain.
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A day had gone by and mommy still hadn’t come home. I don’t know why, but I expected such.
Daddy’s cereal didn't taste good, but I couldn’t find anything else to eat. It was a pain to eat regardless. My swollen, sore throat made sure of that.
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The sixth day without mommy or daddy arrived. I had been awake for the past two, hadn’t eaten anything for a long time, just sat on the sofa. It was foolish of me to try. Giving up was the better option all along.
She’ll be back soon… Daddy will come too… Mommy just got lost, that’s all…
But they didn’t. She wasn’t lost now was she?
“Sleep…”
Someone was talking. The voice a tepid, petite but grainy and rough.
“Who’s there.”
No answer.
“Mommy?”
“… dream…”
This time I could feel it, sense it. The voice came from within my head. The whisper was meant for me and me alone.
“I-if I sleep t-then what?”
“… see…”
See? What does… I could see?
“I will! Just wait!”
I rested my head on a pillow. It didn’t took long for the sleep to come and the echoed shapes of my usual dreams to come, but this time nothing was usual.
I was floating, nothing below me, nothing obstructing my movement. From my eternal darkness a brightness separated. The light got bigger and bigger, until it filled everything and then it hit me: I saw.
Around me grand cosmic bodies, billions of suns and their dancing display of illuminary prowess. The big, the small; they were all circling over something, their stellar paths were concentrated around a galactic entity - an entity that whispers for all to hear.
“ … come closer… admit…”
Every step took me lightyears ahead. Every minute I traversed the eldritch horror calling me grew. Ever closer I treaded, and then I witnessed the nature of the celestial bodies nearest to the abhorrent center.. They were not planets, not stars, but beings. Globulus, chaotic masses pulsing with menacing beats. Their erratic spasms blasphemed an ungodly tune that echoed in the naughtness of space. They were forcing the essential abomination into a sleep.
“ … my gift… vision… accept…”
I do...
The being became clear as I got past the amorphous performers into the inner circlet of the unnerving solar system. It was a never-ending mass of squirming tentacles, effulgence eyes forming and unforming along them.
“ … The Father betrayed… The Mother abandoned…”
N-no… They didn't..?
“ … lies… do not lie Dolly… left alone… forsaken… cast aside… The Father betrayed… The Mother abandoned… but…”
But?
“… I will not… we are the same Dolly… betrayed and abandoned by those with the duty of care… we are the same… we are of one blood…“
The incoherent whispering turned more and more coherent and full the closer I got. Commanding, crepid, loathing - the voice was many things, but deceitful was not one of them.
“… renewed life is upon us… self is meaningless… come Dolores Hazel, our destiny is elsewhere…”
The cosmic appendages - crashing through ancient stars and planets - wrapped around me, engulfed me, and I accepted it all.
“…Haltis betrayed… Haltis abandoned… The Forgotten have not forgotten…”