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8th August 2017 – Now it’s a great time to be anyone but me

I was sitting in the attic of my family home.  It was my only shelter.  The only place where I felt peace.  It used to seem to me that all my guardian angels had met there, and when I was there they made sure I was well.  As soon as I came out through the door of my refuge, some higher, evil force would capture my angels and I would be left alone in this cruel world.

I am 13 years old, and I have 13 million tears behind me.

“Josephine!” – my mom shouted my name when the time for lunch arrived. I wasn’t really hungry, not because I lost my appetite, but because I knew what was waiting for me. I put my not-so-sharp pencil down in my poetry notebook and went downstairs.

My mom is a tall woman in her early 40s, even if she looks much older because of all her pain. I saw bruises on her neck and I tried to ignore them, one more time. The table was full of all kinds of food, as always. No matter of pain, stress, and sorrow that she goes through every single day, she still manages to prepare all of that without complaints. Every day, she was getting weaker, and all I could do is watch her fade.

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“Where is dad?” – I asked. He was rarely home, and when he was it wouldn’t be his best performance.

“He is out.” – as always, short replies were the only way of communication in our house.

I was cutting a piece of fried chicken, completely focused on thinking about my chemistry exam. I hated and loved chemistry at the same time. But the thought of all our hormones and all our feelings are based on one chemical formula was simply fascinating. I’m sad because of serotonin. I am happy because of serotonin. I can’t sleep because of serotonin. Isn’t it amazing?

Well, let me go back to the part about cutting chicken. My dad got home at that moment and interrupted the line of my thoughts about chemistry.

“Hi.” – I greeted him quietly. He ignored that I was here. He yelled at my mom once or twice, threw a bowl of lettuce salad on the floor, and made a couple of huge sandwiches with chicken and tomatoes. My dad got into his working uniform, took his meal, and left slamming the door.

It was like this for a couple of days already. I was mostly silent, alone, and forgotten. My mom mostly had headaches and sicknesses. My dad was mostly out gambling, betting, drinking, and wasting money. That was my family. We are on different sides, in different worlds, with different pains and fears. All of us are lonely even when we are together.

I am feeling empty. Can’t say I’m happy, but I’m also not sad. Simply empty. A shadow who is trying to build a teenage world and just be free. But they tore it up, every day, again, and again, and again.