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29th July 2017 – Few days before the fall

“You fucking bitch!” – I heard my dad shouting to my mom. The sound of his angry voice was mixed with the sounds of things breaking and my mom crying. It wasn’t anything new to happen or strange, but it still was painful and destructive like the first time.

I was setting the table for breakfast nobody was going to eat. After I cried my soul out under the shower I sat on the chair, pale and broken. Everything was so terrifying for me. But I think I wasn’t aware of the situation that was happening around me. I was just lost, everything was so sudden, new, surprising, and shocking to me. I had no idea I was about to get into a tornado of problems and fear.

I was sitting on the 2nd-floor balcony, with a view of the ocean. The sun was caressing my skin and dying tears from my tired face. I had a war inside of me. At that particular moment, tons of thoughts were running through my mind. I imagined the relief I would feel if dozens of painkillers would start running through my system. If the toxins would start making my liver fail, or just make my blood poisoned enough to kill me or put me in a coma. I imagined the happiness I would feel if the razors would cut the veins on my wrist or the carotid artery on my neck. I imagined the calmness that would flow through my soul if I jumped off that balcony I was sitting on. I was thinking about what kind of peace I would feel if I drown in that deep, blue ocean. And folks, trust me, I was minutes away from that.

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My mom showed up after some time. Her face looked swollen, and red and she was in tears. To be honest, I don’t even know what happened. I just know my father wanted my mother dead. And he seemed like he didn’t mind making that happen. Also, my mom had a stroke a month ago.

Life was a huge mess at that moment. It wasn’t about to stop for some good time.

I was thirteen and I didn’t even realize the things around me. It was hard to understand them, though. I was still sleeping with stuffed toys, I was still searching for real friends, and I was trying to fall into some childish love. I was studying hard. I didn’t know how to act in situations with so many problems. It was unreal to me. I was still spending hours playing Subway Surfer on my tablet and watching the Disney channel.

That pain wasn’t for me. I wasn’t ready for that confusion and cruelty. My body wasn’t ready for so many things that it had to handle. That will have many more consequences than any of you thought it could.

~

Through the days and even weeks, my time on Earth was getting more difficult. My mom stopped even cooking, and cleaning. She became a vegetable. She was barely eating, all she did was fight with my dad, drink water and stare at one spot on the wall.

So, I started doing everything by myself. Isn’t it lovely, all alone? Heart made of glass, the mind of stone.