Vath stared at the ceiling. He’d fully woken up hours ago, but his mind was simply awash in thoughts and emotions so disorganized that he couldn’t focus on anything. So, he stared at the ceiling, and rode the waves. Waiting for them to calm, or at least throw him on to the shore so he could watch the waters from outside them. He’d been here before; he knew if he gave it time, it would pass. Of course, it had never been this bad before, not even close.

He finally grabbed hold of a thought. Just one, but it was enough. He remembered that there were only two things that had ever helped other than time. Kaser, and mindless repetitive work that required a small amount of focus, like exercise or dressing a kill. He didn’t know if Kaser was up yet, but he could exercise. He would be doing a lot of that in the foreseeable future. Might as well get a little head start.

He rose, and his head swam for a moment before his eyes refocused on the door. Time passed, and he started. How long had he been standing there staring? What was he doing again? Right, exercise. He moved woodenly into the courtyard outside. Running improved all of the physical attributes, though speed improved the most. But that was the attribute he was lacking in the most, so that was fine. He ran. He didn’t know how long he ran, but by the time he stopped, he was sweating profusely despite his vastly improved body, and his mind, while still far from clear, at least allowed him to focus on his surroundings and think his way through them. It was a start.

He hadn’t stopped because he couldn’t keep going, but because Elder Lita was suddenly in the entrance to his courtyard. He couldn’t quite understand the expression on her face as she looked at him and said, “Are you ready to begin?”

He didn’t respond, couldn’t really, but he walked out of his courtyard and followed her to another one. Kaser and Emara were already there, looking tired but in much better shape than him. He was surprised. They hadn’t passed him while he was running, he was sure. How long had they been up, and why had they come over here so early? He couldn’t ask, and the thought passed quickly.

His brother looked up to greet him, took one look at his face, and said softly, “The chaos again?” Vath managed to muster up a nod for Kaser, grateful that he could tell. “Okay, just start some stretches while I explain to them. We’ll handle it today, ok?” Vath nodded again and did as his brother said.

Kaser explained the basics to them. Sometimes Vath got too overwhelmed. There was no predicting what would cause the switch, but the symptoms were like clockwork when it happened. Everything would swirl for a while, gradually calming to a point where he could function, albeit impaired. That would slowly wear off until he was his old self, but it wasn’t until nearly the end when he could speak again. Before that point, it was like there was a gap between his mind and his mouth, even when he could think clearly enough to form whole sentences, they just wouldn’t come out. The only variation in this process was what caused it, how long it lasted, and whether anything could speed up the time it took to recover. The brothers had a few guesses, but none of the patterns were consistent enough to be sure.

Both Lita and Emara looked more than a little concerned, and the elder insisted on having a healer take a look at him. Vath didn’t think it would help, but Kaser agreed, and he trusted him. It wasn’t like it would hurt any. He just thought they were wasting their time, but it was theirs to waste, he supposed.

It didn’t take long for one to arrive, and something in his face made her frown. She had him sit, and she knelt in front of him, her hands on his head as her eyes closed. He didn’t really want to be touched at the moment, but Kaser met his eyes and asked him quietly to let her do her job. Sometimes that wouldn’t have been enough, but today it was, thankfully. He sat there patiently until she opened her eyes and immediately looked at Elder Lita.

“Has this child been through traumatic experiences? Battle or otherwise?” she asked.

Lita’s face was somber as she replied, “More than one kind, healer.”

The healer sighed, and she said, “I have only worked with those overcome by too much battle, not whatever this boy has been through, but I see echoes of some of the same. I am unsure if it is because there is some small amount of the same pain in him, or if his is just similar enough that I can see a slight resemblance. I can’t even tell if it is all from his experiences, or if part of what his mind is doing is something he was born with. That happens sometimes, and we still don’t fully understand how it changes them. His mind is in turmoil, elder. Things meant to be in balance are not. The good news is that they seem to be moving closer towards balance by the moment, if slowly. The bad news is I do not know how else to help him. Even with the version I am more familiar with, we know too little. The patterns we have observed do not hold for every person. The best advice I can give is to be available to him. Be patient. Do not force him to do things he does not want to do in this state, but also do not let him be alone and without structure or things to do. Give his body and mind something to focus on beyond the pain and confusion in his mind. There are also some meditation techniques I will send over once I leave. I cannot promise any of these will help, but from our limited knowledge, they are the most likely to. The one hope I can offer for certain is that higher advancement will help. As the body becomes more resistant to disease, so too does the mind become resistant to its ails. No advancement we know of makes one completely immune to either, but the more the body is refined, the less often symptoms will occur, the easier they will be to manage, and the faster they will wane.”

It wasn’t much, but it was more than they’d ever known before, so Vath wouldn’t complain. Lita thanked the healer, who then left with a promise to send the meditation technique as soon as she could.

Lita looked at him, and asked very calmly and patiently if he’d like to continue the training for today. Nodding was still all he could manage, but he did so, sharply. Questions of whether he wanted his friends there too led to Emara running to retrieve Dornah. Kaser was faster, but he knew Vath wouldn’t want him to leave. He really did love his brother. And he was beginning to realize that Kaser wasn’t the only one willing to go to lengths to make sure he was ok. He wasn’t sure he deserved that, but they didn’t seem to care.

Lita led the brothers through stretches and light exercise until Emara returned with Dornah. The former returned to his brother’s side, slipping her arm through his while they watched the latter walk up to Vath. He moved slowly but consistently until he was in front of Vath, and then crouched slowly until he was around his height.

The giant rumbled out, “Emara explained what she could. I don’t know exactly what’s happening with you, but I don’t need to. I have one brother who has difficulties with certain things, and I’ve seen more than one raider or hunter come home changed by something they experienced. I thought I saw hints of both in you before, but I didn’t pry, because you didn’t say, and it’s your business. But now that I know, you should know we’re not gonna let you shoulder this alone. When you can speak again, I would love to hear anything you have to say, but that’s up to you. We’re not going anywhere regardless.”

Vath hung his head. He felt unworthy and ashamed. He hadn’t done anything to earn this loyalty. This kindness. Perhaps from Kaser, but from the others? They were more his brother’s friends than his anyway. And why did it make him feel so weak? Others never needed this kind of coddling; not that he’d seen anyway. Every one of them had their own problems. Kaser and Emara had gone through the same night he had, and Kaser cared for Wald as much as he did. Why was he the only one incapacitated?

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“Hey,” Dornah said, catching his attention again, “Don’t go down whatever road you just thought up. You want to do something to occupy that mind?” When Vath nodded again, he continued, “Good. I haven’t gotten in a run yet today, let’s start there. Bet I can beat you. Ohohoho, there’s some fire in your eyes. You think I’m wrong? Come prove it.” Dornah laughed and took off, Vath hot on his heels. The other two joined them moments later, and thus began their day of training.

Lita watched from the side, occasionally offering advice or instruction, but mostly marveling at how far the four pushed themselves, entirely unprompted. Every single part became a competition, none willing to let the others win uncontested, but neither were they angry at their losses. They just promised they’d win the next one, and then continue, shouting banter the whole time, with one exception. But he was as engaged as the other three, minus only words. This wasn’t what she’d had planned for today, but that was alright. Health came first, body and mind both. Training was inefficient at best if either weren’t prepared for it, and harmful at worst. Plus, she remembered the look on Vath’s face when she came to get him that morning. It wasn’t quite the same, but she’d only seen it on one person before. She had no intention of losing a student like that again.

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The day passed in a blur for Vath. It took hours before he could speak to his brother and friends even in one word replies, and it was near the end of day before he could use full sentences again, although he still didn’t particularly feel like talking. The training drew to a close, and the others moved towards the sleeping area, but Vath stayed standing where he was. Kaser caught his eye with a questioning look, but he waved for him to continue, and looked to Elder Lita. She gestured for him to sit with her on some pillows off to the side.

“Did you want to talk?” she asked.

“Yeah,” he replied, then faced the ground, “Well. No. But I feel like I need to, and I can now. I would’ve talked to Wald, no offense, but he’s… Well. He can’t. It’s my fault anyways, but he trusts you, so I figured I would try.”

“Look at me, Vath.” she said gently. She waited patiently until he did, and then went on, “Nothing that happened to Wald is your fault. You didn’t hurt him.”

“I may as well have,” Vath cut in, “You heard the sect master. The whole attack was because I angered an elder by humiliating his son. I didn’t have to do that. He dove in front of that attack for us. Ancestors, if I was stronger, he wouldn’t have needed to do that in the first place.”

Lita looked like she wanted to argue the points, but she paused, frowned, and then asked, “Is that the only thing that’s bothering you, or is there more?”

Vath sighed and slumped, but looked up at her and queried, “You’ve killed people before, haven’t you?”

She seemed to understand a bit in that moment, but answered, “Yes. I have. More than once.”

He nodded, “You’ve heard my story. Last night wasn’t the first time for me either. But it… it feels so different, and I don’t know why. With… with Jalen, it was awful, in the moment. So much fear and anger, and I couldn’t wait to get out of that house and away once it was done. But it didn’t haunt me. It felt like it should have, and I certainly had a few nightmares about things he had done. But none about that. I thought for years that it was because I knew he deserved it. Cause I’d had no choice. But the men last night. It was so different. Every one of them was trying to kill me. They certainly deserved it. And in the moment… sure, I was scared and angry, but it wasn’t nearly the same. I knew I could defend myself. But after? I can’t stop thinking about them. Especially the first two. I killed the first one before he even knew what happened, and the second one stood no chance. I can’t stop seeing the look of fear on his face. Why? Why am I more upset by the deaths of strangers who stepped into my room with knives than the man who raised me? Why am I the only one who can’t handle this?” By the end, his voice had become anguished.

“You’re not the only one, Vath. Kaser and Emara came to me this morning. We spoke for hours before I came looking for you.” she responded quietly.

He started visibly. Was that why they’d been gone so early? “But they still didn’t react the way I did. They needed to talk. I couldn’t talk for most of the day.” he argued back.

“Everyone reacts differently, Vath. I’ve seen a lot of fighting, and a lot of people go through hard things. There are trends, but no two were completely the same. But I'm getting sidetracked. One last question. It may not seem related, but, tell me, why do you think your brother, Wald, and your friends are so driven to protect you? Think this one through, and tell me honestly. Why do you think they do it?” Lita replied.

He paused. He wasn’t sure. But she wanted an answer, so he’d give it his best try. “Kaser feels like he has to. Debt, gratitude, I don’t know; he saw what I did for him and felt he had to give it back. Wald because we are his responsibility, and he takes those seriously. With Emara and Dornah, I’m not sure. Maybe because they’re so close to Kaser and are following his example?” he said.

Her face was sad as she responded, “You may not see it, but I see at least one thread connecting all of these. Withstanding Jalen when he came for you, but not being able to hold back when he threatened Kaser. Feeling guilty for killing the first people who weren’t threatening your brother. Feeling guilty for needing Wald’s protection and for it getting him hurt. Not understanding why any of the people in your life are willing to go as far as they do.”

She moved closer to him, putting one hand on his shoulder, one on his cheek which she used to gently push him to look her in the eyes. She all but whispered to him, “You are so brilliant sometimes, but you’ve missed something important somewhere along the way. You are worth protecting. All on your own.”

Vath’s breath hitched. His head snapped down, and his eyes snapped shut, trying to hold back the silent tears falling from his face. “No, I’m not.” he sobbed, “No, I’m not.”

Arms enfolded him, and his head was pulled to her chest. “Yes, you are, Vath.” he heard softly, “Yes, you are.”

He cried. It took a long while for it to run its course, but when it had, he only had one question. Still leaning into her, he asked, “What do I do, Lita?”

Holding him tightly, her cheek resting on his head, she answered him, “Talk to them, Vath. I promise you, they want to listen.”

“Okay.” He said.

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Vath walked into the hallway to their rooms, wondering where to start looking, when he noticed his room’s door was already open, with light spilling out. He stepped in, and blinked in surprise. They had found and moved beds for them all into his room. They barely fit even with Emara and Kaser sharing one, but they clearly intended to keep him company all night. He was touched almost to tears again. He still wasn’t sure he deserved this, but they thought he did, and he’d have to try and trust their judgment. His was obviously impaired on this topic, even if it felt true.

So he sat down on his bed, turned to them, and started speaking. They knew the broad strokes. Kaser knew some of the details. But he filled it in. He spoke of what it was like for him. The feelings. The fears. The guilt. He went through what felt like his whole life story, and not once was he interrupted. No platitudes came. And when he was done, Kaser started.

Vath wasn’t surprised to hear how much his brother loved him, but what did catch him off guard was also guilt. Kaser didn’t speak of obligation. Of debt, or needing to balance things. He spoke of watching his older brother take punishment for him, and feeling guilty that it wasn’t himself crying out in pain. Of watching Jalen die, and knowing Vath would carry that forever because he was protecting him. How that promise in the cave had been so that the next time a sacrifice was needed, Kaser could carry at least his half so his brother wouldn't have to.

Vath couldn’t believe his ears. Not because it made no sense, but because it did. It was so obvious in hindsight he wondered how he could have ever missed it. But he knew why deep down. Because he’d been so wrapped up in his own guilt for not being able to do more. It had never even occurred to him what watching it happen must’ve been like.

When Kaser finished, Dornah began to speak. And then Emara.

They had been friends before, but that night, an unshakeable bond was formed.

After they had run out of things to say for the moment, they turned out the light, and they tried to sleep.

Vath was more exhausted than he could ever remember being, and yet, a lightness settled into him. He’d felt things start to unclench when Wald had first found them. He didn’t feel like that was done, by any means, but this felt like a milestone.

Like he’d finished the first stage of advancement towards healing.