Malio and Femalio arrived at the gates of the sprawling city of Jerdia. Jerdia was a massive city carved out of a limestone mountain, with a perpetual sandstorm blowing about outside of it, protecting it from any invaders. There was only one way in and out, and that was the Blunt Path, known for being built of smooth, blunt sandstone.

Atop Stagia’s steed, Malio called out to the top of the massive city walls for aid. “Hello? Anyone there? We need to get in!” he yelled out.

“Though I still don’t see why we have to do this,” Femalio said with her arms crossed.

“Well, we don’t have omnipotence anymore, so we just need to wait until Subcontia gives it back.”

“So maybe we just ask her?” She looked up to the sky and spoke, “Hey! Subcontia! Can we get our powers back!?” Pitiful, pitiful, pitiful. “You’re the piti-Ow.”

As the smart one of the two, Malio dutifully saved them from my wrath by elbowing his counterpart. “Let’s just wait and see if it works...” It won’t.

A guard looks over the gate, then calls-called out to the men working the portcullis. (Edita: It’s tempting to write things in present-tense, but you said you wouldn’t, Narratia.)

Fine, whatever. Anyway, the portcullis is raised, and our heroes walk into the city, out of the bandit’s reach.

“Great. What do we do next?” Femalio asked. Well, I’m glad you did.

A guard dressed in black, iron armor ran up to you two. “Is that really it?!” he asked excitedly.

“I don’t have a clue what you’re asking...” Femalio started.

“But we need food and water before you start the plot.” Malio finished. What a good team. (Edita: not better than us, I assume?) of course not.

“Of course, but may I get your names before we aid you?”

The two gave their names, and we jump cut to them, falling unconscious of hunger then being woken up by Stagia.

Malio woke up first, hardier despite his size. He took note of his environment before speaking. It was a nice place with two beds that held Femalio and him. In between them was Stagia, sitting on a chair. Behind her was a strange cactus with flowers bearing drooping, purple petals.

“So yer finally erwake. Took ye’ long energh.”

Malio silently nodded, then looked to his counterpart, who was...goddamnit she was awake the whole time, just too lazy to actually wake up. She was getting up.

“Nooo, give me more time to rest!” she complained. Oh noooo a bowling ball hit her head! (Edita: don’t ask what happened to it afterward.) “OWWWW!”

Malio ignored his pestilent counterpart. “So what’s going on?”

“Fore’ yer ask questions, I gotta give you food.” Stagia presented Malio with a cornucopia filled with food and placed it on his lap. “Dernt’ ask why they ave’ cornucopias, I dun’ get eet.”

“Ok...” Malio took a bite out of an apple. (Edita: isn’t this a desert?) “Doesn’t taste bad,” he noted before handing the horn to Femalio.

When she took a bite of a green apple, she spat it out. “Nasty! Who gave me this **** I need literally anything else!”

Malio sighed. “Probably her.”

“Oh, well-”

“Don’t anger her more.”

“Hmph.” Finally knows her place. “So...what about the corn on a cob? How did they grow corn in this place?” You’ll see. (Edita: something makes me doubt you actually planned this.) Femalio bit into the raw corn, which was surprisingly sweet. You’re lucky I have mercy on you just this once, anima. “Sure, sure, thanks.”

After they had their fill, Stagia said, “Oh, righ’, erm’...I gotta send yall to th’ duke of Jerdia at wrnce. They callin’ yall th’ prophesirzed saviors.”

“Figures,” Femalio said.

After being escorted through the building of their residence by more tall guards, they arrived in a massive room with purple tapestries laced with gold and dozens of knights in black armor standing guard. In the center of the room, on a gold and limestone throne, was the duke of Jerdia, Yhannalatl, the bringer of fortune.

“Honestly, that title sounds pretty prestigious. I’m kinda jealous.” Femalio said.

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“I’m honored you think that. My grandson made it for me.” the duke said in a deep, loud voice.

“Hmm...” Femalio judged the origin of the title in silence. Didn’t know she had silence in her.

“What has brought...you to bring us here, o’ bringer of fortune, Yhan-a-l-atl?” He struggled to pronounce the name.

“My guards saw you wore the emblem of Lannku branded on your hands. Is it true? That you are the saviors?”

“What?” Femalio looked at her hand to see a mark emblazoned in it. I guess, for now, we can say it looks like a dragon flying in a circle. I’ll probably ret-con that later. “Oh, cool. Yeah, we probably are. Couldn’t I have just branded it on myself, though? Seems pretty ludicrous to assume I’m the real deal.”

“I agree. I presume you have some way to make certain?”

The duke nodded. “Yes, while you rested, our greatest mage tested your magical potential and found the two of you to be greater than any being he’d ever seen! There is little doubt of your efficacy. Tell me, new saviors, where do you herald from?”

Femalio shrugged. “Subcontia.”

The duke laughed, waving a hand in front of himself. “Of course! Subcontia, I know a few people from that place! I think it was...everyone! HAHAHAHA! Good one. Now, really, where do you herald from?”

Malio rolled his eyes. “We come from a land far beyond the Desert of Pyroclades, a realm so foreign to this reality, names cannot convey its existence,” he said dramatically.

Femalio gave him a thumbs up.

The duke took his statement seriously. “I see, a place beyond words. I would be interested to hear more of it someday. However, there are more pressing matters to attend to.”

“Pressing matters?” Femalio aked.

“Indeed, the unifiers of Pyroclades wish to reunite the continent under the single banner of Pyroclade’s illegitimate descendent, Jakolov.”

“Let me guess, you’re the last bastion against him, and everyone calls his country ‘the empire’”

“Not exactly.” The king shook his head. “For one, it isn’t an empire, and for two, there are two other remaining city-states trying to fight against the forces of Pyrocynyca. We have made an alliance with them, but we cannot easily mobilize an army due to the magics that protect our state.”

Malio chuckled. “Ironic.”

“However, I think with your help, it may be possible.”

Femalio laid on the ground, placing her hand on her chin lazily. Let’s just pretend for the sake of the plot she didn’t do something so rude. “So, what? Do I need to learn magic?”

A woman in bright red robes slowly walked from beyond the knights and stood in front of the two. “That need not be difficult, however. With only a few hours of tutelage, you should be stronger than even I!” The woman kneeled in front of the two. “With our imagination combined, we might harness enough of Subcontia’s imagination to whisk our soldiers through the sandstorm.”

Femalio smiled maliciously. “So that’s how magic works here, huh?”

(Edita: wrap it up, I don’t think the readers are interested in relentless exposition.)

What!? This is some awesome worldbuilding, you wench!

(Edita: who said I was a girl?)

Don’t make me reeducate you too.

(Edita: I’m sorry, lady Narratia. I was out of line.)

You better be!

Anyways, they talk to the king for a bit and learn that he’s already begun rallying his troops. There’s a big fight going on at Raal’s Bridge, and the alliance will lose the fort if the duke can’t help it.

“So we just need to part the storm for your men?” Femalio asked.

“Indeed! Do that, and we are already indebted to you!” Yhannalatl said.

Malio shrugged. “Cool. Get up, sis, let’s get this training done.”

“Sure, sure.”

“I’ve heard a lot about you, saviors.” the red-robed wizard said before they began their instruction. “They say you were there to witness the birth of Subcontia a thousand years ago!”

Malio shrugged again. “We were...”

Femalio raised a hand to the sky. “But enough of that! Let’s get to the training montage!”

The wizard smiled. “To the training ‘montage’ it is.”

And so, in an hour, my two unwilling participants learned the basics of magic. Magic can do almost anything imaginable, but the few people with aptitude tend to drain themselves of magic by imagining something beyond the capabilities of their magic power, instantly killing themselves on accident. Performing magic for real wouldn’t be difficult for Mal and Femalio, but it would require some patience training.

Malio explained it well, “So its like trying not to think about...I dunno, dead kittens when someone tells you ‘don’t think about dead kittens’ but if you do think about them while you’re doing magic, kittens somewhere will die.”

Femalio shook her head. “That would be cruel.”

The mage smiled. “Some fighters will try to distract you by saying stupid things like ‘oh my gosh, why are there so many bananas on your chin!?’” After some concentration, she magically created two noise-reducing headphones. “Try on those.”

The two placed the headphones on. I don’t know where to go with this...uhh, anyway, they trained their minds so they could think about something for their magic, but not think about too much on accident. Since they didn’t have much training, they were warned to stay safe, away from their enemies, until the fight was over or they were asked to intervene.

Come back next time to see our two insolent(Edita: they were somewhat cooperative today) fools take the Jerdian army to Raal’s Bridge for an awesome battle!

Stagia, cut!