“I don’t know if this is such a great idea,” I said to Clyde as all five of us stood in a tight hallway of a standard New York apartment, in front of a door that had a young anime girl printed on the front winking at us with a speech bubble that said ‘dozo’. I had no idea what that meant, but what I did know was that this was the apartment of a 30 year old man. Supposedly.

“Don’t worry about it, Tom,” Clyde responded before knocking on the door, his knuckles hit the anime girl directly on the face. “I’m telling you, this guy is insane. It’s a funny kind of insane, though. He will make great entertainment.” I rolled my eyes and tapped my foot on the ground, wondering why on earth I agreed to come play a game of Dungeons and Dragons with a weirdo I’ve never met. Clyde knew him, apparently they both took Japanese 1 at the university together. They both took an assignment together, Clyde did nothing and let Eugene — I think his name is — do the entire thing.

While waiting for the door to open, I turned around to Jason, my other friend, who had his arm wrapped around his girlfriend, Sarah and a plastic bag full of beers in his other hand. On the other side of his girlfriend, Sarah, was her friend Stacy. She was a beautiful blonde, and a perfectly normal person. The kind of person who has a Facebook and actually gets matches on Tinder. What was a person like her doing coming along to a Dungeons and Dragons event? Actually, what was a person like me doing coming here? I wasn’t popular by any means; I may dabble in the occasional video game and comic. OK, maybe more than dabble, but I’m certainly not a weirdo who puts anime girls on his front door. “Seriously, why are we here?” I said. “I have an accounting exam in a month, I should be studying for it.”

Jason makes a raspberry. “Tom, you’re a freshman you don’t need to study. Would you honestly rather study than drink with your friends?” He said.

I grimaced. “Yeah, drinking is fun… I guess… but not while playing that stupid role-playing game with a weirdo I’ve never met before.” While talking, Jason’s face slowly started to cringe more and more. Everyone else is silent. I turned around, slowly, back to the door and my stomach sinks when I realised it was already open.

Shit.

A fat, bearded man with long, black hair and acne covering his entire face stood there. He pushed his sunglasses back up onto his nose. “Dungeons and Dragons is not a stupid game, you will come to find.” He said with an obvious lisp to his voice, he sort of sounds like a white, nerdy Mike Tyson. There is complete and utter silence. He raises his weak chin so that he is looking down on me, before looking to the rest of the group. “Welcome to my lair, I have prepared the campaign stage already. Please, enter — if you dare!” He gave me one final death stare as I, the last one to enter, walked in before shutting the door behind me.

***

I thought I knew what I was getting into before I walked into that apartment, but I don’t think anything could have prepared me for what I saw. Anime posters of suspiciously young girls covered every wall of the apartment, there were several shelves stacked with figurines, most of them were also of young anime girls, but others were of things I recognised, like Batman and an energy sword from Halo 2.

We weaved through the mess of full garbage bags that littered his floor, down the hallway, and eventually emerged into his ‘living’ room. It was ironic because, with how it smelt, I was sure something was dead there. The living room was directly connected to the kitchen. Some of the cabinets in his kitchen were open, and behind all the doors must have been 100 instant ramen bowls stacked on top of one another.

“Please, take a seat,” He said, gesturing to the six seated table just beside the kitchen. I suppose it was more a kitchen-living room hybrid. The table was littered with tons of paper and, at the head of the table, was a large cardboard wall that would hide the person sitting their from the rest of the table. Eugene sat down in front of that board, and everyone else sat down at the chair closest to them.

When I sat down, Stacy came in soon after and sat next to me. At the opposite head of the table to Eugene was Clyde and, opposite Stacy and I, were Sarah and Jason the love-birds. In front of all of us is a piece of paper full of tables, numbers and words like ‘strength’, ‘dexterity’. At the top of the page was ‘character sheet’. I’d never played Dungeons and Dragons before, but even I knew what this was.

I guessed I had to make a character and actually role-play, which was a shame because now Veronica is going to think I’m a nerd. Jason said that Sarah had told him she was single now, part of the reason I came today was the slight chance I could get to know her better. Though, judging by the expression on Veronica’s face when she walked into this sweaty mess-hole, she won’t last much longer and I don’t blame her.

Jason pulls out beers from the plastic bag and passes them to everyone, including Eugene. Eugene scoffed at the beer in front of him. “Do you really think I’d drink that American piss?” He said, getting up from his seat and going over to his fridge where he promptly pulled out one of the many cans of Asahi that were stacked in there. “I only drink Japanese beer, thank you very much.” Right. I thought. Of course you do. I opened my much-needed can of ‘American piss’, also known as Bud Light, and took a swig. This was going to be a long night.

“OK, have any of you ever played Dungeons and Dragons, before?” He said.

We all shake our head, except Clyde who raised his hand. I frowned at him and he shrugged his shoulders. “Oh, come on. It’s fun!” He said. “That’s why I brought you here, I’m sick of playing it with randoms. I want my friends to play it, too.” If Clyde likes it, it can’t be all that bad, can it? I thought.

“That’s fine, I’ll guide you noobs through the process.” Eugene said. With each word he said, a little part of me died inside. That’s how it felt, anyway. “First, we have to make our characters,” He locked eyes with me. “Tom-kun, why don’t you go first?” He didn’t seriously just use Japanese honorifics, did he? He glared at me with a look of pure malice. I had, just moments earlier, called him a weirdo, but still…

“Ah…” I said, with all eyes on me. “Sure…” I look down the character sheet before me. The first box has ‘name’. I grabbed one of the many pencils sitting on the table. “So, my name is… Greg—”

Eugene sighed. “That’s a terrible name, make it more fantastical and awesome, will you? Like, Akarosh or Sensetsu!”

I grimaced and looked back down to the page. I turned to Stacy who still looked unpleased about the entire situation. That’s when I realised the only when I’m getting out of this without Stacy thinking I’m a complete loser is if I joked around, but I needed to be subtle about it. If Eugene realised I was messing around with him, he’d throw a fit.

“OK, makes sense.” I said. “My name is… Suzuki the Swift.” Stacy snorted with laughter next to me and, trying desperately to hide the smile on my face, wrote down my name.

“What’s your character’s race?” Eugene asked me.

“Oh, he’s… Hispanic, I guess.”

Eugene grumbled. “Not that kind of race — is he human or…?”

“Oh, right.” I replied. “My character is human.”

“Class? And, please, refer to your character in the first person. It helps with the immersion.”

“Um, OK… I’m a swordsman.”

“What weapon do you wield?”

“A sword.” Eugene rolled his eyes.

“What kind of sword?” Eugene asked. I looked back to Stacy who was looking bored, again. I had to make her laugh.

“It’s a giant purple dildo,” I used my hands to show how big it was. “It’s so heavy I need two hands to hold it. It’s called Penetratus. It’s a legendary sword that, in my youth, I used to slay the mighty dragon Yourosrectum.” Eugene rolled his eyes but, because everyone else was laughing, he was forced to accept it.

“OK,” Eugene said. “Now, on your sheet you should see six different stats: strength, dexterity, constitution, intelligence, wisdom and charisma. Normally, you would have to roll dice to determine these, but in the interests of time you can select your own skills, just make sure they add to one hundred-twenty. Or, can you not manage that simple arithmetic?” He said with a light chuckle that made him sound like Norman Bates.

“I’ll just go twenty in each, then.” I said.

“Now, what does your character look like? Give us a description to help us… imagine… everything better.”

“He looks like me.” I replied.

“You can’t do that!” Eugene slammed the table, the shock-waves sent a few pencils dropping to the ground.

I swallowed thickly. “OK, he looks like me, but he has black hair, a light stubble and is six foot three.” Eugene breathed smoke out of nostrils, but didn’t say anything further about my appearance.

This content has been misappropriated from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

“Well, that’s you done… Let’s move on, shall we?” Eugene said, obviously disgruntled.

***

It took us the better part of an hour to have everyone else’s characters created. Everyone went along with my idea of making whacky and ridiculous characters. Clyde’s character was a male Gorilla named Britney Spears. His class was ‘Smasher’ and all his points were put only into strength and constitution, something which Eugene advised heavily against, but Cylde ignored him. Jason made himself a dwarf Wizard with all his points in intelligence; again, something Eugene basically yelled at him not to do. But he did it anyway, of course. Sarah made herself a Dark-Elf rogue with ‘the thigh gap and skin of a goddess’. When Eugene asked what weapons she used, she couldn’t think of the word ‘dagger’ so she said wielded dual box-cutters for hands. That’s right, her character didn’t hands — just box-cutters.

Then, it was Stacy’s turn. She was nervous about it, but with a little encouragement even she got around our joking answers. “My race is human,” She said. “And my class is ‘Slut’, I’m so attractive and irresistible every male instantly engulfs in flames if they look at me.” She put all her points in charisma with the rationale that her character was so emotionally talented to she could make anyone do anything. Eugene, for the most part, accepted her character apart from looks setting all male characters on fire instantly, citing it was overpowered.

Speaking of overpowered, next was Eugene’s turn.

“I am a 10,000 year old demon straight from the fiery depths of hell,” He said, standing up. “My name is Malatrix the Death Giver — I wear a black armour with red undertones and don a black hood that shrouds my face. My class is samurai, and I wield a flaming katana called the Sword of Doom that was forged in the infinitely hot fires of Mt Chaos, where my gargantuan castle resides! I have a girlfriend named Tani-chan who is loyal, beautiful, innocent and sweet. She, too, is a 10,000 year old demon from hell but due to frequent trips to the Well of Life, she maintains the appearance of a youthful school girl!” I looked to everyone a the table with wide eyes, none of us believing he’d just said any of that.

Eugene looks to the roof of the apartment and starts cackling with laughter. Outside, thunder boomed through the sky. Explosive wind bashed against the windows of the apartment. Eugene kept cackling, louder and louder.

“Eugene —” Clyde said before Eugene interrupted him.

“My name is not Eugene!” His became deep and distorted, like he was a real demon. “I am Malatrix the Death Giver! The Dark Lord! Ruler of all of Azerea! Agent of Doom! Master of Chaos!” During his speech, I thought I was hallucinating everything when suddenly his eyes caught on fire. Like, really. They were on fire. He continued to laugh with his eyes now replaced with a pillar of fire jetting from his eyes hole.

“What… What are you?!” Stacy yelled, stumbling out of her chair. Eugene smirked and, with the wave of a hand, she was pulled back to her chair. Eugene clicked his fingers and metal binders appeared on the arms and legs of the chair, strapping us to them.

“I just said what I am… I am Malatrix the Death Giver. Yes, magic is real and I am indeed a wizard… You see, not that any of you normies would know, but if a man reaches the age of 35 without having felt the touch of the woman — a virgin — that man becomes a wizard!” Sarah and Stacy cried, I tried desperately to rip myself out of the metal ring’s grip, but it was impossibly tight. I didn’t stand a chance.

“Why! Why did you make us do all that crap if you were just going to kill us!” Clyde roared.

Eugene laughed. “Oh, I’m not going to kill you… Not yet… I am going to send you to my Realm, Azerea. There are far too many NPCs there, I need real, sentient people there. Good luck, but be warned, if you die in Azerea, you die in real life. Your only chance of escape is if you defeat me. Oh, don’t worry, I promise I’ll play fair. Good luck.”

Eugene clicked his fingers again and everything went black.

***

I gasped awake. I was laying on the ground, looking up at a sky covered in thick, black clouds where occasionally a blood coloured red would seep in between the clouds. Thunder boomed in every direction, making everything brighter for just a fraction of a second each time. It was must have been far away, because there was considerable delay between the flash and the teeth-shattering explosion.

Groaning, I leant up from the ground and quickly realised I was wearing bright, silvery armour. And, sheathed at my side was a giant, purple dildo that was half my height. Along the sides of the dildo were metal spikes — it was basically just a mace. Initially, I was confused, but that’s when I remembered what happened before I came here. For my DND character, I said he wielded a dildo, and I also said… I stroke my chin and, sure enough, there is a light, prickly stubble there. I rush to my feet and almost tip over it’s so disorientating, I’m nearly a foot taller than I was before — the ground looks so much farther away.

There are other figures around me. A dwarf wearing a white robe with gold trimming and a wizard’s hat stands up, rubbing his head. “I am feeling a similar ailment akin to the morning after partaking in excessive consumption of alcoholic beverages,” A voice that sounds like Jason, but words he would never say, said. He saw me standing there and nodded to me, tipping his wizard hat. “Salutations,” He looks down at my side, finding the colossal dildo. “Ah, Thomas, it must be.”

“Jason?” I ask, looking at him, utterly confused. The person in front of me sounds like Jason. Hell, they even look like Jason, minus the glasses and wizard’s attire. But the way he is speaking…

“It seems,” Jason starts. “That we have taken the personalities and figures of the characters we created in the den of one Malatrix the Death Giver before he brought us here, to this realm. If you can so recall, I believe I wished it such that my intelligence statistic was the maximum value it could take. And, you, wished for a…” He grimaced and paused for a moment. “…device constructed of polyethylene with the common usage of providing sexual satisfaction primarily to women but also men if they are willing to partake in such an action.” I frowned. I remember everyone making their characters, but I don’t recall Jason saying he wanted his character to be autistic.

“Wait,” I said, spinning around to see everyone else’s bodies. “Didn’t Clyde say his character was a…” There, laying on the dead, dried grass was a fully grown, western lowland gorilla. I instinctively stepped back, fearing it will reach out rip my esophagus out. But, it casually stood up and scratched it’s arse.

“Ooga booga,” It says in a voice, despite being a gorilla’s, I can still somehow recognise as Clyde’s. Then, in a completely human and non-Gorilla fashion, he stood on his feet like a person and waved. He pointed to his mouth and then shook his head. “Oooga booga…” He said in a flat, depressed tone.

I heard another person stand to their feet and turned towards the sound. It’s Sarah. She has two box-cutters in her hand with a deep, purple skin and pointed ears. She was a dark elf, I suppose, just like she’d said. Soon after, Stacy stood up and my jaw dropped. She had long, flowing red hair and impossibly bright blue eyes. Every curve, every extremity, every feature— everything —about her was perfect. She was so beautiful I almost felt myself gravitating towards her. No, she wasn’t beautiful. She was hot. I supposed that was to be expected, she did put all her points in charisma and said her class was ‘slut’.

“Stacy,” Jason said, walking up to her. “While I am of the notion that you have voluptuous breasts, I must say as I am already committed to another fine lady, one Sarah Stewart, I humbly implore you to present the two, wonderful gifts God bestowed upon you in a more… conservative… fashion.”

Stacy frowned. “Clyde has been turned into a fucking gorilla and the first thing you tell me is to cover my breasts? Do you think I chose to have E cups? There’s nothing I can do about it, so get over it!” She became so confident and outspoken all of a sudden, I had no doubt it was because of the high charisma statistic.

“OK, let’s just calm down.” I said to everyone, before addressing Stacy directly. “Remember how Jason put all his stats into intelligence, yeah?” She frowned, but nodded soon after. I had only just realised she barely had any points in intelligence which I had no doubt meant she was going to irrational. “I think… I think it’s made him autistic or something, I don’t know. But he’s acting really weird, but just let it slide, OK?” She nodded.

It seemed, because I was the only person that didn’t do anything weird with their stats, I was now the only normal, functioning human being. Great, the only normal person here was the one with a giant, purple dildo as a weapon.

God, help us.