All five of us walked across a broken, battered brick road as thunder continued to boom across the red-black sky and yellow tinted acid rain poured over us. It didn’t burn through our clothes or anything, but it did sting slightly when it touched your skin. There wasn’t so much a sign of civilisation so far, and we had walked for an hour.
I was at the head of the pack with Veronica, Clyde the Gorilla and Jason and Sarah were at the back. Jason had to pick up everything for Sarah, now with her hands now being box-cutters and what not. We had come to realise that, despite not being able to talk and obviously being a character that zero points put into intelligence, Clyde was still his sentient, old self. Though, occasionally, he would trip on his own feet or find brightly coloured berries on a bush we’d have to remind him not to eat. Knowing Eugene, the berries would probably kill you instantly or something.
Veronica groaned beside me, holding her back. “I’m not sure I can take much more of this,” She said. “I’ve only been walking for an hour but my back is killing me.” I didn’t blame her for complaining, E cups with a sub-par medieval bra wasn’t the greatest experience I imagined.
“OOGA BOOGA!” Clyde yelled, suddenly. Everyone stopped and turned back to him, he was beating his chest the way gorillas do, looking down towards a small hill. He walked over the dried and dead yellow grass, crushing it under his immense weight, and went down the hill escaping from view.
“Perhaps the primitive primate is of the impression there is something at the bottom of the hill that may pose as an especially potent object of interest,” Jason said before pushing up his glasses like he always did when he said something. I didn’t understand how he did it, but despite the sky being completely overcast with the sun nowhere inside, and no matter what direction Jason was facing, whenever he pushed his glasses up it always flashed with light in that stereotypical way how it does in Anime. Maybe, just maybe, Jason’s character wasn’t actually smart, it was just what Eugene thought made a smart person. That would explain Jason’s nauseating way of speaking.
“I hope it’s not berries again…” Sarah mumbled.
“I think we should check it out, you never know.” I said before running down the hill, keeping a hand on my sheathed dildo so it didn’t wiggle around and make that disgusting, sloppy sound of it banging against my sides.
We made it to the bottom of the hill and Clyde was resting on his gorilla fists right in front of a tree. There were tens of trees there, they had all had holes in them, all roughly the same size and perfectly circular. They all bore no leaves and had a black crust on the outside as if they had been burnt. When Clyde heard us arrive he pointed into the hole. “Ooga booga!” He said, repeatedly pointing the hole.
“Maybe it’s something we can eat,” Veronica said.
“Yeah, I’m starving…” Sarah followed.
“OK, then… Clyde, reach in and see what you can find.”
Clyde flared his gorilla teeth and reached into the hole. Immediately, there was a humanish squeal from inside. Clyde, after much fumbling about inside, eventually pulled out a small human. He was dressed in a green tunic, green pants and a green hat I knew I had seen before, with a neatly combed white beard and tall hair that flicked up to a curled point like a witches hat. I knew, without a doubt, this was a leprechaun.
“Aye, aye — OK ya’ big monkey, let us go then matey,” The leprechaun said in a thick, Scottish accent despite being leprechauns, to my knowledge, being an Irish folk creature.
“Ooga booga?” Clyde said as the leprechaun dusted himself off and then looked to us with hands on his hips.
“What are ye’ all fuckers looken’ at, hm?” He said.
Veronica grimaced and whispered in my ear. “I didn’t know leprechaun’s were so rude…”
The leprechaun’s eyes light up. “Leprechaun? Ye’ think I’m a fucken’ leprechaun? Why don’t ye’ do us all a favour and shut yer’ puss fannybaws.” He shook his head, muttering more unintelligible words. Despite the top of his hair, which made about a quarter of his height, he only made it to my kneecaps. “What are y’all starring at? I ain’t leading you to a pot o’ golf or nuffin’. I’m a fucken’ gnome ye’ pansies!”
I sighed and dropped down onto my knees so I was somewhat closer to the gnome’s height. “Listen,” I said. “We don’t want to hurt you. Is there anything you can tell us about…” I rolled my eyes, not believing I actually had to say it. “Malatrix the Death Giver?” I asked.
The gnome’s eyes widened in terror. He fell over onto the dead grass, shaking, before scurrying back into the hole in the tree, his green eyes peering through the hole. “We do not speak his name…” The gnome said in a harsh and sharp whisper. “Death comes to all that oppose the Master of Chaos, wielder of the Sword of Doom.”
“Well,” I said, coming closer to the hole. “We intend to kill him, you see, so we really need some help with everything, really.”
“You want to kill he who must not be named?” I rolled my eyes. Seriously, was Eugene really twenty-five years old when he first came up with this?
“Yes.” I said, flatly. “Where can we find him?”
The gnome sounded like he was crying all of a sudden. He sniffled. “I… I think I might have a spare map of Azerela laying around.” There was a lot of rummaging in the tree before eventually the gnome stuck his hand out, but did not dare let any other part of his body leave the tree. In his tiny hand, he was holding a thick, worn and weathered leather page. It was an old-timey map constructed of black ink, with blobs of black ink sprayed over at random.
“Thanks,” I said, grabbing the map. I opened up the map fully and looked at it completely. I found a place on the map simply called ‘Gnome Forest’ and supposed that’s where we were now. Everyone else is huddled around me, Clyde’s gorilla chin is resting on my shoulder; the gnome is still cowering just behind the entrance to his tree. “I remember Eugene saying his lair was on Mt Chaos, now where is that…” My finger traces along the leathery page, eventually finding it at the top right corner of the map. It couldn’t have been farther away.
“So,” Veronica said. “The only way we’re leaving is if we kill Eugene, right?”
I nodded. “Yeah, but considering this is supposed to be based of Dungeons and Dragons, he’s probably level 100 or something, we’re only level 1. And, we also have no gear. We don’t stand a chance, now.” I looked over the map, back to the hole in the tree. “Gnome man, what is the best route to Mt Chaos —” There was a crack of lightning. It rattled my teeth and almost sent Sarah tumbling into the ground. A pair of glowing red eyes appeared in the hole in the tree. “Gnome man?” I said, frowning.
The gnome, as straight as a board, walked out of the hole in his tree.
“Are you —” I asked before a deep, powerful demonic voice erupted from the minature gnome.
“Silence!” The evil voice was the same as Eugene’s, but coming from the Gnome now — was this Eugene talking to us through the gnome? “I indeed await in my lair atop Mt Chaos,” Eugene said, I found it hard to not burst into laughing hearing such a violent, aggressive voice come from a gnome. “If you wish to defeat me, you must venture across all of Azerala to Mt Chaos. It won’t be easy for you, however…” The map was ripped from my hand and floated in front of us all. Seven dotted marks appeared on the map, glowing in a bright red. “WRATH, GLUTTONY, LUST, ENVY, PRIDE, SLOTH and GREED — you must prove yourself worthy to face me — you must fight my seven Demons before you can face me!”
The first glowing point was ‘wrath’ and it was located at a place called ‘Samurai Straight’. It appeared, we were on a small island off the mainland, and we would have to cross a bridge across the straight.
Suddenly, a sheet of worn paper appeared in all our hands. It had our name, race, gender — all the information we filled out in the character creation sheet earlier — as well as our stats; our level, our strength, constitution, dexterity, et cetera, as well as the gear we had equipped and their statistics. At the very top were a red, blue and green bar. All were full, and they corresponded to health, mana and stamina, respectively. This really was like Dungeons and Dragons, wasn’t it?
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“That is the only aid you shall receive,” Eugene said through the gnome. “Good luck, Champions, muhahaha!” The gnome made the gestures of an evil laugh, when the laugh finished he exploded into ash, leaving nothing but a pile of dust behind.
***
We followed the map towards the ‘Samurai Straight’ for another couple of hours. Despite not being able to see the sun, it was starting to get dark. Everyone’s stomachs were rumbling, and I was seriously starting to consider eating some of those berries that Clyde had found earlier.
It wasn’t until four hours or so since we confronted the gnome that we started smelling salt in the air and heavy breezes rushing through.
Then, after that, it was only another hour or so before we reached a village. We came over a hill and saw tens of wooden buildings below, the kinds with straw roofs, with warm orange light oozing out of gaps in between the wood of the house.
“Finally! People!” Sarah said before running down the grassy hill, her box-cutter hands waving about in pure-delight. Clyde followed behind her, running on all fours. Jason, Veronica and I merely walked down. People in the village must have heard the commotion; the door to the largest building in the village opened with several people holding candles spilled out. They gasped at us, no doubt seeing us drenched and shivering.
“Look mama!” A boy cried out, tugging on what I assumed was his mother’s sleeve. “Adventurers! They’ve finally arrived!” Eventually, all the doors to the village opened and they all started clapping and cheering, praising our arrival. I heard a few say they thought we were never going to come. I was confused, we’d only arrived here a few hours earlier, how would they know we were coming? Let alone, they are saying they asked us to come.
All five of us came to a stop in front of the large building in town which, upon closer inspection, had a sign that revealed it to be the town’s inn. It seemed as if the entire village came to see us, curious yet also slightly frightened. We stood in front of the inn for a few moments before a gap in the ring of villagers surrounding us formed. A well-dressed man in a fresh green tunic and pressed blue pants came through. With how he carried himself, tall and confident, and how everyone else looked at him it was not hard to tell that he must have been the leader of the town.
“Welcome, adventurers. I trust you received our note?” He said.
“No, we —” I said before Jason covered my mouth with a hand.
“Of course,” Jason started. “We acquired the note not but a few days ago and, as you can no doubt see, we have made our self privy to this fine establishment. Though, with such a long, treacherous journey that adventurers such as us partake in, I am saddened to inform you that we have lost consciousness of the purpose of your note and hence why our attendance here was necessary. Please, may you inform us?” I had to resist palming myself in the face. The 0 points in charisma was really starting to show.
The mayor, whom I assumed he was, frowned but for some reason accepted Jason’s explanation. “Yes, of course,” He said. “But please, let’s get you dry and warm with a meal in your belly.” He gestured us into the inn and we gladly followed.
***
With a lot of hassle, I managed to get the steel armour I was wearing off me. I stored it, along with Penetratus, in the room they had allocated me for the night. I was now in the main room of the inn, with everyone else, with a bowl of hot, mutton stew, crunchy bread with warm butter and a warm cup of beer in a wooden mug. Unfortunately, we could not convince them to let Clyde in, and he was forced to eat hay in the barn with all the other animals, something I’m sure he was not too excited about.
“So,” I said putting down the bowl of stew after drinking out the last bit of stock from it. “What is it you needed us to do?” I asked the mayor who sat on the opposite side of the table, next to Sarah and Jason. Jason was feeding Sarah her stew since she couldn’t pick up a spoon because of the whole ‘box-cutters’ for hands thing she had going on. Veronica was staring at her stew, stirring the spoon around. I can understand that; not being able to believe what has happened to you. I mean, if I suddenly woke up with E cup tits I’d probably not be in the greatest state of mind, either.
“It was two weeks ago,” The mayor said, leaning onto the table with his hands clasped together. “when the Black Samurai arrived.” I tried not to laugh but a slight chuckle seeped through. A Samurai. Here? Here in this European inspired fantasy world? God, Eugene, you are one piece of work. What should I expect next, a ninja? Pirates? Soul Reapers?
Still trying to feign from laughter. “OK, what is this ‘Black Samurai’ doing that’s so bad?”
The mayor licks his lips, shaking. “Well, you see, the economy of this here town resides on selling what little surplus of produce we have. We trade it with towns on the mainland for the things we can’t produce, like candles, linen, salt and timber. Most things, really, we need to import. The only way we can get to the mainland, though, is to cross Long Bridge. But, two weeks ago, the Black Samurai arrived. He guards the bridge. When the leader of the trade caravan tried to go past him…” The mayor closed his eyes and took in a deep breath. “He killed him.”
Jason coughed, entering himself into the conversation. “While I do find your affliction with this so called Black Samurai rather unsettling, surely you have fit, young men in the village that would, perhaps not individually but in a group, be able to defeat him, no?” Jason said.
The mayor’s shoulders sagged, the other people in the inn were looking at us, seemingly as equally sad about the whole ordeal. “We’ve already tried. We had four of our strongest men, all level 5, take him on. Despite the Black Samurai being level 10, in theory four of them should have been able to do something, but they were no match. All their attacks wisped straight through him, as if he were a ghost or he was made of smoke.
“You… You think he’s a ghost?” I said, leaning across the table. I was now invested, as well. Looking from the map, Long Bridge was our only way to cross the straight and make it to the mainland, and I highly doubted this Black Samurai would let us cross easily either.
“Well, after consulting the town scholar, we believe it is an enchantment that is giving him that ability. To defeat him, the enchantment will need to be disenchanted. Even if that was done, though, I don’t want to risk the lives of more of our men, which is why I called the professionals, you see.” If only he knew we were all level 1, he probably wouldn’t have hired us. I thought.
“How do we do that?” I asked.
“Well,” The mayor grabbed a thick, hard cover book that was sitting on the table beside him. I was wondering what it was for. He placed it in front of me and opened it up to a page. The writing was all handwritten by a scribe in that weird, old-timey font. There were also those typical medieval drawings with some gold leaf occasionally sprinkled over the page. “Here is the recipe to create the disenchantment, but no one here can understand it… We were hoping you could.”
I smirked and pushed the book over to Jason. “Jason, read this and tell me if you understand it.” He nodded and temporarily stopped feeding his girlfriend. His eyes frantically scanned the page, he basically read an entire page every second. Eventually, after about a minute or so of reading the book, he slammed it shut.
“Quite an elementary elixir, if I say so myself.” He said.
“How do we make it, then?” I replied.
“We require,” He cleared his throat. “The toe-nail of an ogre.”