Chapter Thirty

How to Massacre Your Town

A bead of sweat ran down Chozen’s neck. His teeth chattered and pitched whine emanated from his body. The imposing man sitting with his legs crossed in the lotus position across from frowned. The clerk’s heart leapt into his throat the moment that he saw that Chibot, leader of the Bandy-legged Bandits, displeasure. The bandits were equal-opportunity attackers. They were among the fiercest highwaymen the area had ever known, and with that success, they tried their hand at riverboat piracy but their horses kept drowning and so they returned to the haunts of the forest.

Chibot had a reputation for eating the hearts of everyone he killed, but that practice had trailed off after a particularly successful raid on the town of Woodpine where he’d personally slain eighty-three individuals. It had taken him a week to eat all of those hearts, and rumor said towards the end he’d only nibbled on the last dozen. Regardless, Chibot was an imposing murder machine who happily killed all who stood in his way. He also killed anyone who stood behind him for fear of getting a knife in the back, so friends and family tended to stand at his side.

The man was a mass of scars with just his right eye shining through his hamburger textured skin and a gash for a mouth that was filled with broken and chipped yellow teeth remaining to verify that he’d honestly had a face at one time. His other eye went missing after it crossed him, and he’d cut off his nose to spite his face. The rest of the scars that crisscrossed his head had come from an encounter with a duck with distemper. He had survived an encounter with a duck, and that was where his reputation had really been made.

Chibot was a brute who, had he been standing, would have made Mister Tooth look sickly. Practically seven feet tall, and bearing three-hundred plus pounds of muscle, the man wore a uniform of blades with a dagger resting anywhere his hands could freely reach. They were strapped to his chest, abdomen, sleeves, and He carried twin scimitars that were said to carry a bleeding enchantment that expedited exsanguination that rarely got to work as they tended to dismember, decapitate, and otherwise distress a body to death before the victim had time to bleed.

Now, this embodiment of mutilation, mayhem, and mass murder looked displeased with Chozen. The nervous little rat-faced man was glad he’d emptied his bladder before entering Chibot’s tent. He still peed a little.

“Are you cultivating right now,” Chibot asked with a bit of foam flecking the corners of his mouth. “It is a sign of disrespect to cultivate during negotiations,” he warned.

“Nn-no-no sir,” Chozen responded. “I am not a cultivator. I’m a coward. You-you scare me.” He felt that honesty was the best policy when it came to dealing with a man like Chibot.

“Then you may continue to tremble,” Chibot said magnanimously. “Tell me about this man your mayor is willing to destroy his town over.”

“T-t-T-t-Tooth? He’s an old man, big like you, but not as big mind you,” the clerk quickly amended. “He came in and threatened us, took away our dumping ground, he even grew a beard.”

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“He took away your dumping ground?” Chibot asked. “Do you mean he took away the town dump, junk, and trash, or the place that you disposed of inconvenient bodies?”

“The body place. Don’t forget he grew a beard.”

Chibot waved Chozen off, “My one-year-old can grow a beard. That doesn’t make him manly, just hairy,” the marauder mentioned. “So, because he showed a hint of backbone you want me and my men to ride in rape, pillage, and burn everyone we can just to cover up the murder of this Tooth?”

“Well, not rape so much. There’s no need for that, we aren’t barbarians, and that act goes beyond rude behavior. It is disgusting, undignified, and demeaning,” Chozen trembled.

“That’s good,” Chibot replied, “Most of my men are married. The others are all in fairly stable relationships and don’t see the point in muddying the waters at home. Wives tend to frown on that kind of behavior, murder and pillaging though, those are completely acceptable.” Chozen nodded in agreement.

“The mayor also wants you to bring in every inhuman you can convince to join you in your attack. Goblins, orcs, bugbears, insectbears, even spiderbears if you can. He doesn’t care if you bring in fairies and frogmen. The more it looks like an inhumanoid assault the better it will be for us. Mayor Keong will ship out a chest of gold, and will leave the town bank open for you to plunder.” Chozen began to settle down a little as he unveiled the mayor’s plan. This was his forte, planning and scheming, and it was one of the few things that calmed him.

“Where will the mayor be when we attack?”

Chozen gave a grim little smile, “WE,” Chozen announced loudly, “Will be away on a trip to the capitol to request relief funds due to us from the last time we were raided. We will,” he smirked, “Receive word that another attack had occurred and will procure even more funds from the empire.”

“You will then rebuild the town and repopulate it for later incursions, I assume,” Chibot asked.

“I believe that this will be our last decimation as a frontier town. We have grander schemes underway that will require the unimpeded existence of the townsfolk in the future, so just consider this your last hoorah.” Chozen said politely. “Make it a spectacle. We need the townsfolk living in fear.”

“I know just how to make that happen,” Chibot said with a snaggle-toothed smile.

Three hours later Chibot and a small cadre of his men stood on the edge of town a whimpering Chozen knelt in front of Chibot, facing the town with tears streaming down his face. His clothes were torn to the point that they were practically rags. He was bloody, filthy, and covered in hives.

“People of Goulcrest, Chi-bot the Heart-Eater has returned. I give you time to make peace with your gods before I burn your homes and slay all that I find. My people have surrounded the town. None shall enter and none shall leave!” Chibot roared his threats.

“The last deal was two men entered and one man leaves,” responded a guard at the gate. “That seemed like a fair policy. Why change that now?”

“Who runs this town?” Chibot demanded.

“Mayor Keong,” a second guard replied.

“I run this stupid town,” Chibot shouted. “Not the mayor!”

“I ain’t never paid taxes to you,” the first guard said. “And I don’t recall your name being on the ballot when it was time to vote. How do you claim legal authority and or sovereignty over the people of this town without being duly elected?”

“I rule by edict of my swords,” Chibot spat. There was a whistling as his sword cut through the air, and then the neck of the kneeling clerk. Chozen’s head flew from his shoulders and rolled into town creating a cloud of dust as it rolled on the road. The dust grew so thick that it made it appear as if the head had vanished before it continued its roll into Goulcrest. The bouncing noggin finally rolled to a stop, coming to rest on the stump of its neck, an expression of shock on its hive-covered face.

“Yeah, so far as I’s concerned that beats a ballot count,” the second guard said.