Chapter Forty

Diplomatic Impunity

“So, wait,” the little gnome said, “Are you saying that you are a greater werebear or that you are like a greater werebear?

Tooth was about to answer when a voice cut through the air outside. It was a deep voice that was confident and sounded slightly hoarse as if the owner of the voice hadn’t had anything to drink all day.

“Meester Tooth! Where is ya Toothy?”

Tooth paused and looked at Numblee, “I’m very sorry, but I’m going to have to cut this conversation short. Perhaps we can pick it up later?” The brute of a man turned and headed for the door, curious to see who was calling him out.

“Wait!” Numblee cried, “Don’t forget that you are under the effects of that truth potion! Watch what you say or you’ll be spilling secrets all over the street.”

Tooth turned to look back at his fledgling friend, “The only thing I’ll be spilling on the street is blood; if this is what I suspect it is.” His eyes were hard and steely, and his voice carried a primal growl that would have scared a rabid pitbull on meth.

“I believe that’s the truth of it, too,” Numblee said behind Tooth as he stepped outside.

Tooth closed the door behind him and scanned the street. His eyes swept every inch of the area around him, seeking out whoever was foolish enough to call him out to fight. That’s exactly what this was; it was a test to see just how much of a bad grass mother Mister Tooth really was. That bandit leader, Chibot, had sent in some flunky to get a feel for what he was facing.

Where is he? Tooth asked Dev. The big man had no problem cheating. For all, he knew his unseen adversary was on a roof ready with a crossbow. Asking his best friend to provide whereabouts for his potential killer just provided a level playing field.

He’s behind the store. He’s facing east, if you go around the opposite side you’ll catch him completely unawares. Dev also had no compunction with cheating. This was his town, and he wasn’t going to let wandering mobsters into his town.

“Nah,” Tooth said gritting his teeth, “I like to face my enemies. What is he doing? He have a crossbow readied?” He’d spoken out loud, forgetting to maintain their telepathic link.

He’s hoeing the street. Seems to be getting frustrated with the fact that he can’t make a scratch on the surface, too. This guy doesn’t seem very bright. Dev reported dutifully. I don’t think he actually has a weapon on him.

“Then maybe he isn’t here to kill me,” Tooth said.

No, he’s definitely here to kill you, Dev stated. He’s been mumbling how he’s going to weed your guts and dig out your heart.

“I’ll make this quick,” Tooth said as seriously as he’d ever been. There was not a trace of joviality on his features. His was the face of a predator about to confront a territorial intruder. “Just let me know if any innocents approach. I don’t want anyone getting hurt.”

Will do.

Tooth stomped to the back of the building. He wanted to let his would-be assassin know that he was coming. A small part of him hoped the man would hear him coming and decide to run. Tooth was not without mercy, and he could let a wise opponent run away. It was the ones who were foolish enough to face him that he had no patience for.

Tooth turned the corner of the building and saw a man in banded armor, leather leggings, and a fur cap hoeing the ground in frustration. Tooth’s shadow before the man and he looked up with a smile.

“Seems as you founded me pretty quick, Meester Tooth. I expected ta have ta come out an call you a few more times. Most folks ain’t so eager the meet the Grim Hoer.” The bandit waggled his hoe as he revealed his moniker.

“You are known as the Grim Hoer?” Tooth did not believe his ears.

“Technically, I’s known as Farmer Ted, cause that’s muh name. I gave meself the title of the Grim Hoer. Kinda cool, innit?” The bandit flipped his weapon so that the wooden tip rested on the ground and he leaned on the upper half of his hoe.

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“Your name is Farmer Ted? And you fight with a hoe? Are you daft?” Tooth really had no idea how to take this man.

“No. I just toldja that my name is Farmer Ted, but,” he held the back of his hand to his mouth like he was telling a secret, “I’m not a farmer. I’m a notorious bandit sent here ta kill ya.”

“You were sent here to kill me?” Tooth asked incredulously, “And you make a big scene in the street? Why didn’t you just blindside me?”

“Well, erm, I’m not really apposed to kill you. I was sent here to assess your strengths and weaknesses via covert observation and then report back to my leader, Chibot. But, that seems boring and I figure he just wants ya dead, so I wonders why should I do all the snorey stuff when I kin just kills ya instead.” Farmer Ted gave Tooth a grin. “Ya wanna fight back here, or go out inna street?”

“Son, we aren’t going to fight. A fight is something that two or more individuals engage in that results in blood being spilt on both sides. What I’m going to do is teach you a lesson.” He frowned at the non-farmer.

“I don’t do well with lessons,” Agricultural Theodore frowned, “I dropped out of pre-school. An, I don’t sees how you intend to teach me anything when you aren’t even carrying so much as a knife.”

“Well, I’m going to beat you to an inch of your life with just my thumb. That’s all I’ll need to trounce a lout like you.” Tooth held up his hand and made a fist, but instead of his thumb covering his first two fingers, it rested atop his index finger in a direction parallel with his outstretched arm.

“How ya gonna hurt me when I had diplomatic immunity?” The non-farmer asked seriously.

“Huh?”

“Chibot ‘splained it to me. I is his emissary, and as such I enjoy Diplomatic Immunity, meaning I kin do wha-ever I want and I can’t go to jail fer it.”

“Boy, I’m not the law, and I have no intention of taking you to jail,” Tooth said.

“Glad to see you understands how it works,” the bandit said with a grin. “The mayor hisself agreed ta abide by it, its how he kin send envoys out ta talk to us without them getting killed. Most of the time,” he amended.

“I think you fail to understand just how much I don’t care about protocol or that arse mask the mayor. I’ve got Diplomatic Impunity. I can do what I want, when I want, and nobody can do a thing to stop me,” Tooth was getting angrier by the moment. “I learned that from a friend of mine who really runs this town.”

“Here’s a lil sumpin I learned from my cousin Leroy,” Farmer Ted said as he raised his weapon above his head and yelled, “Faaaarrrrmer Tedddddddddddd, Hoe!” He then began racing towards Tooth.

Tooth was almost taken unawares by the rapid attack. The bandit was fast, for a human, and had brought his hoe down with the swiftness of an arrow falling from the sky. Tooth barely had time to sidestep the blow and watched as the man known as Farmer Ted raced past him still screaming at the top of his lungs.

Tooth got into his fighting stance and waited for the bandit to turn around, but the man kept going. The core’s companion realized that the bandit was making a break for it, and he raced after him.

I don’t want this one to get away, Tooth said to Dev. Can you slow him down long enough for me to catch up to him?

I didn’t bequeath you with diplomatic impunity for you not to use it, Dev replied with a malicious chuckle. As he said that in Tooth’s head some grey dust rolled up from the ground and a rock that hadn’t been in the road moments before managed to trip the hurried highwayman. The bandit flew through the air and landed sprawled out in a prone position.

“Farmer Ted, ooooooh,” he moaned as he searched for his lost hoe. His fingers had just closed on the shaft of his farming tool when he was hefted from the ground like a rag doll. Toot gripped Ted by his pants and lifted him up to look the man in the eye.

“Let’s try that again,” Tooth snarled. He stood the bandit up and made sure he had his weapon ready before saying, “I’ll give you one chance to take me. Then I’m going to introduce you to my thumb.”

“With a handshake?” the bandit asked nervously.

Tooth’s thumb slammed into Ted’s ribs with a crack. His arm shot out twice more, striking the clavicle on each side of the bandit’s neck.

“I guess the potion’s worn off,” Tooth smiled, “Because I was lying about giving you first shot.” His thumb struck Ted’s diaphragm, leaving the man gasping for air.

“I don’t like bandits,” Tooth said as he drove his thumb into a kidney. “I don’t like people threatening this town,” he accentuated his point by putting a thumb into the other kidney. “I think someone needs to teach you and your buddies that Goulcrest isn’t some pushover town that’s going to go belly up when you enter here.” Tooth chuffed and stared into the eyes of his opponent.

The man was still gasping for air and was silently crying the tears of a bully who learns that he isn’t the toughest guy on the block anymore. Tooth wrapped a meaty paw around Ted’s arm and set his thumb to rest in the center of Ted’s wrist at the base of his hand and began to apply pressure.

“This is the end of your lesson. You are now a graduate of the School of Tooth, and as such, you may go out into the world and tell them what you have learned here.”

“Wha-wha,” Farmer Ted tried to say.

“What did you learn? You learned that if you play with Mister Tooth you are going to get bitten.”

Tooth noted that his thumb had hit the bandit’s pressure point and was about to puncture through the man’s skin. Ted’s hand was so purple and his fingers so swollen that it looked like Tooth was holding five small eggplants. He released his grip and the man fell to the ground with a whimper.

Tooth grabbed the back of the bandit’s collar and dragged him to the road outside of town. As he exited the guards looked at him with wide eyes but said nothing. Tooth let go of Farmer Ted and spat on the ground next to him.

“You go back and you tell Chibot that he can come here and face me anytime he likes, and let him know I can’t wait to meet him in person,” Tooth said fiercely.

“I don’t think you’ll like him,” Ted whined, “He’s not very personable.”