I hate my life...
Rain pattered the streets of Southcreek, leaving roads that once milled with people, empty. My hair soaked, plastered against my skin. My forehead burned, a small open wound running diagonally across. Luckily, my fringe hid it from sight.
I hate what I've become...
I couldn't recall when I stood up, but I was halfway home before I registered it. I'd forgotten my bag back at the school's rooftop, hopefully it'll be there again, one day.
I hate myself...
For once, I felt truly nothing, my mind and heart both numbed. Today's events were one of many in the past... but, I couldn't ignore it anymore. I was tired.
I hate that I'm so useless...
Before long I reached my destination, the multi floored apartment bulding where I lived. Climbing the many staircases, almost slipping on the wet concrete.I got to the familar dark brown door. My coat, weighed heavy from the rain, made lifting my arm to the door knob a challenge...
I hate that I'm so poor...
It was unlocked, mother anticipating ny arrival probably. I stepped in, moving in haste past the smell of dull pasta, rushing past my mother wiping the floorboards, straight to my room.
"Nevaria!!", my mother called.
In response I closed my door, pulling my coat of and dumping it haphazardly onto the floor. I'd made a mess walking through the house, a wet trail leading from my door and probably through the house till the entrance.
The door opened, I turned towards it, annoyed. My mother stepped in, and just as she was about to talk I cut her off. "Mommy can you just leave me alone please!!," I screamed frustrated.
Her mouth, left ajar, she turned back towards where she came from, and just as she began to close the door she stated one last thing.
"I just came to tell you that I made your favorite, come eat when you're... done." Thereafter she left.
I didn't care. I was hungry, but that appetite died. I sat down onto the flooring, back slumped against my bed.
I wanna die... so bad...
Holding my face in my hands, I wanted to cry yet I couldn't. The tears never came.
I hate this life.... Can't I just die...
I was tired... I thought back to what happened today, curling my fist.
"Dammit!!!" I screamed, giving the floor a hit.
"Dammit!! Fuck!! Why!?,"
"Why..."
"Why me? Each time! Why!!"
"Why am I always the one getting the hurt? The pain. What did I do wrong to them, to anyone?"
My head laid low, as I screamed, too loud, enough so that I knew I was probably heard. Neighbours included.
It's just not fair, that I had to take all this. I knew I was ugly. I knew no one liked me as a person. I knew I was an annoyance in their life. I knew I wasn't needed. But why rub it in... everyday...
My eyes became a blurr, tears building up.
Life is so unfair! Can't I just die!!
I lifted my mattress up, snatching a familar spare tool underneath.
A knife, I always had one. Under my pillow. In my backpack. Beneath my closet. I always needed one.
My finger trailed the edge, blunt from continuous use. I didnt think, simply placed the knife against my skin.
My thoughts died down. My mind blank as the knife trailed down my forearm, making an incision, deeper than any other. As the knife moved, red followed behind. Too much. More than I'm used to.
Just as I pulled back, blood pooled down, running as if it were a tap from the open cut across.
Red fell in drops onto my dress, staining it like many times before.
Yet... that sense of calm never came, that feeling of restleness never went. The anger and hate in my mind, staying.
And so I cut again.
And again...
And again...
And again...
And again...
And again...
And again...
And again...
And aga-...
......
I felt dizzy, red pooling beneath me, my mutilated arm at my side. Flesh dangled down, I'd gone to far. My senses were on fire. Still, I wasn't happy. I wasn't okay. I still...
Hand slipping on the blood beneath me. I fell down, darkness taking me into its arms.
...
How long had it been. How short. Was it a second. A minute. A hour. A day... I couldn't say. I fell, my dress dangling forward in the darkness as the endless pit continued.
Was this death. Nothingness. Yet... Yet...
I opened my eyes. A heavy gust pushing at my back, hair flying forward. Where was I.
My body erupted in heat as my eyes adjusted. An endless, cracked arid clearing continued before me. Looking left and right. It was the same each way. A sky, so beautiful yet so dull laid above me. Naught a cloud in reach yet it seemed so artificial.
I looked down, minding my footing, almost slipping on a crack in the stone. I felt nausea build up in me as a realization came to me.
The cracks followed in lines, as if cut... just like...
Glancing towards my arm, blood still dripped off what was left of my forearm, fat protruding through its fleshy crevices.
These cracks, seemed, so alive, so... human. It was inexplainable.
A metallic smell arose, I knew what it was before I even saw it. From the cracks, red in its glistening form bubbled up, regurgitated from the darkness beneath.
It arose everywhere, in each direction. Yet I feared the worst once it all came rushing out, bubbling. I ran as my feet slowly began to be swallowed underneat. A sea of red came forth. I blinked and it swallowed me whole, rushing up.
Was this hell?
This tale has been unlawfully obtained from Royal Road. If you discover it on Amazon, kindly report it.
In seconds it was up to my waist. In a minute, it caught up to my neck, and thereafter my entirety. I couldn't move, nor breath as I thrased in the liquid. My right arm searching everywhere in the endless expanse for something. Anything.
My breath could no longer hold and I swallowed. Choking, dying. Was this how I die? I fought against this horrid sea, and in my last moment my right hand gripped onto something.
I pulled, because if I did not, surely, I'd die in this hell. My head breached the surface as I coughed blood, and whatever other fluid that managed to get into me, almost puking actually.
As my eyes adjusted I found myself holding onto a hilt. A hilt of a sword edged into the dirt next to me.
Pulling myself out and onto land, I looked back seeing only a pond. Big enough to fit one human. What the hell...
Yet that wasn't the only thing. The night sky bloomed above, stars shinning in their glory that I never once, in my lifetime, had seen. Yet what laid in the landscape around me, it left me not knowing what to even think.
As I stood upright, water leaking from the clothes I wore, I gazed at the landscape.
Swords. Knifes. All types. Kitchen cutlery, weaponry of old, even pocket knifes. They stood as tall as skyscrapers, and as small as flowers before me, their metal gleaning the night sky onto land. Hilts pointed towards the infinite expanse above. I felt like an ant in this... place...
I gripped the hilt of a sword which laid buried into the dirt beneath me. It neither budged nor shifted the dirt beneath, as if it were concrete.
Further down, a bright light pulsed, almost a kilometer or more away. Looking towards it brought a calling, a yearning to move forth towards that bright colour.
And so I limped forward cluthing my shoulder, following the light that beckoned. I had no other alternative nor goal.
As I passed one of this worlds many steel skyscrapers, a voice echoed.
"Next", the sound beckoned me to look, and in the darkness, an image showed itself.
It was me. A me I hadn't thought I'd ever see.
The girl, me, stood up from the desk she seemed so much younger. She had so much colour, brightness. The happiness on her face, genuine.
Amongst a class of onlookers and a singular teacher I hadn't seen in years, she spoke up.
"Hello everyone, I- I'm Nevaria, I'm 14 years old, please treat me well," She gave a light smile before sitting down. That was 4 years ago... The image faded...
It felt so long ago, to think that I came there thinking life would get somehow better.
And I continued walking once more. The walk was, suprisingly... not tiring, I felt... nothing as I walked this sword graveyard. The land from all sides slopped downwards. Beckoned by the call of that light.
To my right, with a snap of intuition, I looked and an image formed once more.
.....
"Four eyes, what you readin'," a girl asked in the midst of a free period in class.
Younger me, looked down, holding a closed magazine. "it's.... the 73rd issue of... of... Hero Monthly"
As if on autopilot the girl snatched the book roughly out of Navaria's palms, caushing her, me, to shriek.
"Everyone look what Four eyes is reading!!" The girl screamed loudly, holding the book sideways, exposing a picture of the GirlThunder. A, at the time, 22 year old heroine.
"Ha!!! Four Eyes fawns over heroes!!", a classmate in the background shouted.
"Whats wrong with you Four Eyes, want to be a hero too?" Someone else added, snickering.
"Let's give an applause to Four Eyes everyone," the girl holding Navaria's magazine stated.
"Four Eyes!"
"Four Eyes!"
"Four Eyes!"
"Four Eyes!"
.....
The image faded but I knew, my love of heroes didn't last long thereafter. As a kid, I'd fawn over them, finding joy in their successes and triumphs. That final joy was all that kept me smiling.
It faded like every other thing in my life. I continued trudging, dodging the odd point blade and knife here and there... almost 3/4 of the way to my destinations, I marked a figure standing but-
Another image opened to my left, the voice that came immediately made me grit my teeth
......
"Nevi, come here..." Evelyn said with a yawn.
They were in the bathroom currently. Eyes widening like globes, I knew what was going to occur. Nevaria edged back before Evelyn walked forward and instantly yanked her by the hair.
"Woah you gonna mess the poor girls hair," one of Evelyns friends added.
"Shame," Evelyn responded.
Nevaria kept her voice muffled in, as Evelyn dragged her towards one of the many stalls. There was a reason why I'd always remember Marie as well... One reason alone. This was it.
"Ha! I wanna see this!" Marie said with a laugh, following us into the stall.
"Hold her hair," Evelyn commanded.
"No wait, stop," Nevaria pleaded.
Marie complied with a smile, as Evelyn lifted the toilets lid.
"On the count of 3," Evelyn added.
"One, two, three," They proceeded to shove Nevarias head in, as the girl struggled under their grip. Time passes slowly as Nevaria sputtered and choked, before Evelyn pulled her out, shoving her one side. Back slamming into the plastic.
Nevaria lay, slumped against the stall wall, her chest heaved before she vomiting onto herself. Staining her clothes with whatever breakfast she had.
"Ew, Marie, the camera." Evelyn laughed as she slapped her forehead in jest. Marie edged forward, the camera light flashing, so too did the image vanish.
......
A photo taken. One that remained alive till this day...
The image died down as my pace quickened. To call me angry was an understatement, I was fuming. Seeing an event that brought bitter resentment to me, from a third perspective had made it worst.
"Fuck.... Fuck!!!" I screamed. I held my head, gripping it even as the pain which coursed through my body faltered me.
I hate her. Them. That school. All of them ugh!! So Fucking Much!!!...
I could handle the taunts and name calling, yet Evelyn took it too far each time, for whatever reason. I ignored it, even knowing that the pain which that abuse caused me worsened by the day
I panted loudly, before my eyes found what I seeked. Finally as I neared, a tree stood and atop it, a light shinned, almost blindingly.
Was this the gateway to heaven??
My eyes searched the clearing before me. I jumped back, my eyes catching a woman, clothed in black who stood there before it, her face obscured. She turned as I came trudging.
A raspy, almost feminine voice reverberated in my head at once.
Girl, tell me, are you happy?
I took a step back, both in fear and suprise. She stood awaiting my answer. Attempting to look at the silhouette's face blurred my vision in water, migraine ensuing until my face turned.
"Wh-what do you want?," continuing to step back, yet my chest tightened. Something within me forcing my legs to stop in its escape.
I ask again, child, are you happy?
After today...
I took a exhale and spoke...
"No... No I'm not... I can't be..." I couldn't recall when last I was happy or even content enough to exude joy in my life. For a moment, silence lingered.
Do you desire happiness? She asked. Her voice heavy, hurting my mind almost.
"Yes." Deep down, we all seeked happiness, we all seek some way to enjoy life with that rare feeling... some never getting the chance to even.
Before this woman, this thing, could speak once more... my frustration as to... why this... is happening, boiled over.
"What do you want from me! I should be dead now! Gone! Away from that place, whats the use of reminding me of it!!?" I snapped , childishly so. I simply did not wish to fall into a hole once more even in death. Even if this could be my last moments.
In respone, a gloved finger arose, and I saw a glimpse of pale white skin, lips almost perfectly pink. Finger touching her lip, just as quick as I saw, a migrain began invading my head. I was silenced. Whatever words I wished to say choked down my throat.
Girl of Earth, with honest words upon your tongue alone. What is causing you to be withheld from your happiness?
She ignored me and my question. Head hanging low. I thought in the silence, just for the moment... Was it the bullying, my dreams, my old self... what was it... was it maybe?...
"Pain. My answer would be... my pain," Really, it was all that stopped me from smiling, ever...
The woman in black stood in silence,the tree behind her dancing even as neither a breeze nor wind flowed.
Then tell me
If the thing that eased your pain also hurt you...
If the same very pain you felt was caused by others...
If given the chance, would you turn your ability to hurt yourself against your oppressors and those who oppress others beyond even your perception...
Or would you choose the road less travelled... and go against what society has led you to believe...
Would you, become the exact thing everyone feared. The exact concept that caused your pain.
Almost losing myself in all that she said, I thought long and hard... I didn't know what this strange being meant, what my hurt could even do. For all I knew, I could be hallucinating everything right now in some hospital. Bleeding out. I could...
Yet I wanted to dream one last time... even if it still led me nowhere... even if my final dream led me only to hell. I'd already lived through a nightmare on earth, living it in the afterlife... What could go any further wrong...
Only one answer came forth, an open ended one...
"I would..."
"If only."
"If only..."
The words lingered on my tongue. If only I could perhaps dream one last time, as flimsy as it sounds.
Her figure stood stock still, her visage never leaving me. She turned slowly, walking back towards the tree that glowed amongst swords. The light burned my eyes. That very light grew, brighter and brighter by the second until, all I saw was light, even shielding my face with my arm...
And as the light enveloped me, my innards, my entire being. It burst into burning pain.
Welcome, Sword Mistress.
......
1st July - 2022
A million eyes opened in the midst of midnight. Given a dream they sought so hard and long... a dream... of Power... of Freedom...