The walk back to the camp was slower than the mad rush I had made to reach the three Cadets and kill the Guardian that had attacked them. On the way, I asked them what they had done before finding it, and they admitted that the Rampager they'd been fighting had run across them when they were distracted and stopped for a break. They told me that my rule about keeping helmets on outside camp had been the only thing to save their lives. When the Rampager had first shown up, they'd barely been able to reach for their weapons before it threw the closest one of them across the way from a punch to the head; without their helmet or the Nephilim reinforcement to their bones, the Cadet who ate the hit would have died. Knowing that didn't make me feel confident that someone wouldn't die on one of these outings, but I couldn't cancel them for the other Paladin hopefuls; if I did that, then I'd never be able to assess how they performed under pressure. Without that, if I just raised them all based on scores where death wasn't an outcome, then I'd send them in completely not ready for what combat, real combat, against the Scourge was like.

I resolved myself to the possibility that there would be at least one funeral in the near future that I needed to prepare for; I just hoped that when that happened I'd be able to lay the blame on the Scourge that killed them and not myself.

Also on the walk back I took the time to speak to Carrie, she seemed more upset than the men who had almost died for some reason.

"What's up?" I asked as we gradually fell further behind everyone else.

"Nothing," she answered frostily. She hadn't been moody like that since the first time I spoke to her.

"It's just that you seem out of sorts and before today you were, I don't know, happier? Now you're angry about something and I can't help but think that it's something to do with me," I prodded.

"I'm fine. Cool as a cucumber." She was biting the ends of her words the way my second girlfriend had whenever I messed up, which was all of the relationship.

"Carrie, I've been around more than a few women," I said. "All of them have a similar tell about their moods. When they're angry and the person they're angry at is around, they tend to be, what's the word, monosyllabic and standoffish. Now, maybe that's just my experience, but you seem to be acting the same way. If I've done something to make you angry I'd like you to tell me what that is, so we can work past it instead of letting it stew and get worse. I'm supposed to be your commanding officer, that means that I need you on board with everything I want you to do. If you're angry at me about something, I need you to tell me and be as clear as you can be. I'm not a mind reader."

I know, first rule of being a man, don't push the subject when the girl says she's fine. That's how you make them even more angry, and then you're picking your clothes out of trees and trying to convince homeless guys that the clean pants they have on are yours. Doesn't mean that I followed that rule very often. Most times it didn't pay off in my favor but this was one of the few times it did.

"Fine," she turned to look at me. "You want to know what's wrong?"

I nodded, no need to leave her waiting for an answer to the obviously rhetorical question.

"I don't feel like I'm good enough for this," she practically spat.

"What do you mean?" I prompted

"I mean that when we all came out here, I was sure that I'd do the best of any of them," she said. "I've been training everyday, I was the first person to sign on for this, I was the second person to take the serum, and I can kick all of their asses."

You might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version.

"All good points, go on."

"But then, when those idiots got in over their heads, you charged out without thinking. You didn't let any of us help you, you just charged in and expected us to follow your orders without any complaints. When the other ones showed up, you didn't even stop to think about what would happen if you died, you just faced off with them and it wasn't until after one of them slipped by you that you even thought about asking for help."

"I was happy that you asked me to help," she said, her voice small, "but I was also so afraid, because if you didn't make it then I'd have to fight the other things and I don't think I could have done that."

I think she may have been crying, but her helmet hid her face from view. I stepped closer to her and pulled her into a hug where she began to shiver and now I could hear the sobs.

"You didn't stop," she said through her tears. "You just charged ahead and if you'd screwed up, then who would have taken care of us? Who would have helped my sister? Who would've taken care of me?"

"I'm here though," I told her. "You don't have to worry about all that now. I'm still here and I'll keep my promises. I'll make sure your sister's safe and that you have a home."

I couldn't say that I'd never worried about what would happen to the Nephilim if I died; I spent more time thinking about that than I could ever admit to. Every choice I had made wasn't just for fighting the Scourge or keeping my Nephilim alive, it was also to keep them happy and safe. Every one of them was my responsibility and I felt that every single time I had to make a decision. Would doing this be good for the Nephilim? Did that really keep them safe? What if this happened? What if that happened? I asked myself those questions all the time and days like today were some of the worst. What if I'd been too late? What if I wasn't good enough? What if someone panicked and that led to more of them dying? Even now while talking to Carrie and trying to help her, I was thinking through all of these things. All of them left me with a stone in my gut and a bad taste in my mouth.

I held Carrie until she had calmed down and it was then that she spoke again.

"I wasn't sure that I could do it before," she said, "leading people, but now I know that I don't want to do it."

"I don't either," I admitted to her. Damn it felt good to say that. "I do it because I don't know who else can do it. If I just made a plan and left someone else to see it through while I went home, I'd never forgive myself. I'd spend the rest of my life asking myself 'what if?' What if I had stayed? Would the people who died be alive? What if I hadn't left a plan? Would I agree with the path taken?"

"I'd drive myself nuts with it. This way though, even if every mistake weighs me down, I know that I did my best. I know that everyone I said was ready, was actually ready. I didn't leave this to other people because I couldn't."

"That's why I didn't send anyone else," I told her. "I didn't want to send more of my Cadets and have to find their bodies later. If I had, then I'd be doing things the wrong way I guess. I'd be sending unprepared people into the belly of the beast, and then I'd have to follow after them to take care of what was left. I can't do things that way."

"Then why did you tell me to fight the other Guardian?" she asked.

"Because you're the best," I said. "You're right about being able to kick everyone else's ass; you can do that and still have enough fight in you to give me a run for my money. I wasn't going to make you a Paladin, that would be an insult to your skills. You weren't going to be a Knight either, they answer to the Paladins. Instead, I was going to make you the first Wing that the Nephilim would have. You know what that means right?"

"All the Paladins would answer to me," she said. "The only ones above me would be the Principalities, the Horsemen, and you."

"That's right. The Horsemen would be the pool of potential Demigods that would take control after me or they'd be the ones I raised as my equals first," I said. "The Principalities would be the ones who would direct entire compaigns to retake planets, using their Wings to relay orders to the Paladins and the squads of Knights they commanded. Right now I have to be Principality, Horseman, and Demigod; but there's no reason that I can't have at least one Wing."

"You never told anyone what to call you beyond Commander," she said. "Who would have guessed it would be Demigod."

"Don't go blabbing that around," I told her. "I don't need anyone thinking that I've got some sort of complex."

"Yes sir, Demigod James, sir," she said with a salute and a stifled giggle. She seemed to be doing better then, that's good.

"Can it, Cadet," I rolled my eyes before turning back to the path to follow after the others. "We've got some catching up to do and then we're going home."