Part XIV: Epiphanies

By Dagoth Milos, Teacher of the Ash Mystic

The bleeding has stopped and the wound is beginning to heal, slowly, but the process has begun. Nevena feigns surprise, but she does not fool me. She thinks I sleep soundly but my sleep is empty and dreamless without Lord Dagoth and I am quick to waken, especially to her prayers which are not nearly as quiet as she thinks. I am coming to realize that I was wrong about her though; she is not my reflection. She is not everything I wish I was; she is more than that and I do not speak of a quantitative difference, but of a qualitative one. She is like her predecessor in so many ways and it haunts me to look upon her and to see the Abomination—to see Cerebel—because Cerebel was my greatest mistake, but not in the manner I thought.

I laid here slowly bleeding to death in this cave because I was a celebrant of the First Sacrament when I did not stand in the Grace of Lord Dagoth. My life was only spared because of her prayers, not because of my actions in service to our house or my decades of loyalty, but because of her. I do not hold malice towards her for this, but I am coming to realize my mistake. I looked upon Cerebel as a usurper and a parasite upon my house, but he was not; he was a reformer. He saw the growing poison within our hearts and within our souls and he knew that if the House was to survive, it would not be by the dogmas we had adhered to for millennia, but through a renaissance of sorts within the House. And I sought to kill him for it. I sought to unmake Cerebel for trying to draw forth the poison in our hearts and trying to cleanse us of it. I nearly killed him or maybe I did kill him, because I did not understand him. I was afraid of him. If things had gone differently at Kirinibbi, if I had slowed down and broke away from Lord Dagoth’s dogmas and learned to trust my own instincts and my own heart, maybe all those people beneath the Betrayer’s City wouldn’t have undergone the Second Sacrament. Maybe they wouldn’t still be languishing in agony from being forced to undergo something they were never meant to.

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Maybe.

I remember the day I met Cerebel. He had crawled into the mouth of Kirinibbi seeking refuge from the freezing rains and the starving nix hounds that had chased him even in the cold thinking that he would find shelter until they passed on, but he did not anticipate the watchful eye of Dagoth Quorin. But even as he was dragged into the heart of Kirinibbi, he did not scream or beg or plead, he accepted his fate with a quiet resignation and I saw within him potential. He became my protégé, just as Nevena has become, but things were different between him and I than they are between her and I.

I was a teacher to him, as I am to her, but Cerebel did not hold the same reverence for me that she does; she sees me as her priest and he saw me as his equal. He would not trust in my words alone as she does; he would force me to defend the doctrine and dogmas of the House to him, even after he had undergone the First and Second Sacraments, but there was more to it than raw defiance. He did not demand these things out of some interest for an opportunity to play Devil’s Advocate to our dogmas, or even out of genuine search for knowledge; it was always his way of forcing me to think beyond the confines of what Sanur had taught me and I hated him for it, but I realize more and more that I hated him for all the wrong reasons.

He saw through me the imperfections of Lord Dagoth and he saw the potential for something more in me, but I was afraid of him and of what he was becoming. Though he became incomprehensible even to me, I still know that in those final moments at Kirinibbi, he did not wish me ill for what had transpired or I would have been swept from existence as most of my congregants were. Even in those final moments, he still saw in me a chance for something more, just as I see in her.

Cerebel, wherever you are, I hope you can forgive me for my transgressions against you; I was wrong. I looked upon you with fear and I deemed you an enemy, but it was not you who was the enemy to my house, but the dogmas, the doctrine, the ancient laws we cling to because we are afraid to move forward. You tried to show me that and I returned your kindness with an act of malice and I do not deserve your forgiveness, but know that I will continue to teach your pupil in your stead until either I am unable or you should return. I will never be able to make restitution for my transgressions against you, Cerebel, but I will carry out your vision and I will protect your pupil until I am unable to.

I swear this to you on all that I am, Cerebel the Reformer.

Wherever you are, know that I stand with you and with your teachings.

-Dagoth Milos, Teacher of the Ash Mystic