“So,” Kevinus began, trying to mask his skepticism with a casual tone, “this is the part where you explain the rules of this world, right?”
Expositia nodded with enthusiasm, her golden hair shimmering in the sunlight. “Indeed, Hero! You have been summoned to fulfill the ancient prophecy and save the Twelve Realms from the Ancient Evil. Each realm is home to a powerful artifact, but only a chosen maiden from each land can unlock the true power of these relics. Together, they are the key to sealing away the darkness.”
Kevinus sighed, already tired of the predictable exposition. “So, I have to find these artifacts and the girls who can make them work? And I’m guessing you’re one of these chosen maidens?”
Expositia’s smile widened, as if she had been waiting for this exact question. “Yes! I am destined to bring forth the powers of the Sword of McGuffin, a powerful blade kept safe in Tutorial Village. However, it can only be entrusted to you once your reputation level within the village becomes ‘Exalted.’ This ensures that you are truly worthy of leading us in the battle against the Ancient Evil.”
“Reputation levels,” Kevinus muttered. “Of course. And how do I go about raising this reputation of mine?”
Expositia gestured ahead to the road, which curved gently towards a small, quaint village nestled in the distance. “By helping the villagers with their tasks, demonstrating your heroism, and proving your worth. Your reputation will grow as you complete various quests and assist those in need.”
“Oh, joy,” Kevinus said with a wry smile, already picturing the tedious chores ahead. He glanced around at the idyllic countryside, too perfect, too clean, too obviously designed to evoke a sense of false serenity. The trees were unnaturally lush, the sky was an overly vibrant shade of blue, and the chirping birds sounded suspiciously like they’d been recorded in a studio.
As they walked, Kevinus spotted a small, rickety wooden sign by the side of the road. It read, in bold, overly dramatic lettering: “Tutorial Village: 1 Mile.”
“Of course,” Kevinus said, smirking at the predictability. “The Tutorial Village. What’s the over/under on how many useless NPCs we’ll meet there?”
Expositia giggled, a sound so delicate and musical it could’ve been manufactured by a toy company. “Oh, Hero, you have such a delightful sense of humor! The villagers are here to guide you, to help you learn the basics of your quest, from how to swing a sword to how to manage your inventory. And, of course, it’s the perfect place to begin building your character levels.”
The road curved, and soon the Tutorial Village came into view. It was exactly what Kevinus had expected: a picture-perfect, generic medieval village that looked like it had been pulled straight from the cover of a fantasy novel. Thatched-roof cottages lined the cobblestone streets, chickens pecked aimlessly at the ground, and a handful of villagers wandered about, each one looking suspiciously like they were waiting for Kevinus to approach them.
As they entered the village, a rotund man wearing a wide-brimmed hat and an apron hurried over to them. “Greetings, mighty Hero!” he bellowed, his voice carrying the unmistakable tone of someone who had said these words a thousand times before. “Welcome to Tutorial Village! I am Farmer NPC, and I have a very important task for you!”
Kevinus glanced at Expositia in mock disbelief, she just nodded encouragingly. Turning back to Farmer NPC, defeated, he asked, “Let me guess, you need me to collect some herbs, or maybe defeat some wolves that have been bothering your livestock?”
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Farmer NPC’s eyes widened in delight, as if Kevinus had just read his mind. “Why, yes! How did you know? The wolves have been a menace to my chickens, and I simply can’t gather the herbs I need for tonight’s stew. You truly are the Chosen One!”
“Lucky guess,” Kevinus replied dryly. “So, where are these wolves?”
The farmer pointed to a small forested area just outside the village. “Just over there, Hero. But be careful! The wolves are fierce and numerous.”
“Sure they are,” Kevinus muttered as he headed toward the forest, Expositia gliding effortlessly beside him.
As they reached the edge of the woods, Kevinus couldn’t help but feel a sense of déjà vu. The trees were densely packed, their leaves rustling ominously in the wind, and somewhere in the distance, he could hear the low growl of wolves. He picked up a random twig on the ground, testing its weight in his hand.
“I get the feeling this twig will be enough, call it a hunch,” he said, mostly to himself.
“Do not worry, Hero,” Expositia said, her voice as cheerful as ever. “As the Hero, all weapons you wield have the potential for greatness. But remember, the true weapon of your calling, the Sword of McGuffin, will only be unlocked once you finish all the side quests.”
“Of course,” Kevinus sighed. “Let’s get this over with.”
They ventured into the forest, the sound of snapping twigs and rustling leaves growing louder with each step. Kevinus could feel his muscles tensing, not out of fear, but out of the sheer anticipation of the cliché he knew was coming.
Within minutes, they were surrounded. A pack of wolves, their eyes glowing red with inexplicable malice, emerged from the underbrush. Kevinus counted them, there were exactly five, because of course there were. Enough to make it seem like a challenge, but not so many that he couldn’t handle them with his new, overpowered abilities, he definitely had overpowered abilities, but he was just too lazy at this point to check his character sheet.
The first wolf lunged at him, fangs bared, but Kevinus was ready. With a single, effortless swing of his twig, the wolf was sent flying into a tree, where it dissolved into a cloud of dust, it was hard to tell. Bundles of materials and gold coins on the ground where it had died. The other wolves hesitated, as if suddenly aware that they were in way over their heads before running away at max speed.
“Well, that was... as anticlimactic as expected,” Kevinus said, lowering his twig. He turned to Expositia, who was clapping daintily, her eyes filled with admiration.
“Bravo, Hero! You dispatched that fearsome beast with such skill!”
“It wasn't exactly fearsome,” Kevinus grumbled as he collected the requisite wolf pelts and herbs, for some reason 5 pelts dropped from the single kill. “This whole world feels like it’s been designed by someone who played way too many video games in their basement.”
With their task completed, they returned to Farmer NPC, who rewarded them with a bag of gold coins and some generic praise. Kevinus couldn’t help but notice that the gold coins had no weight to them, almost as if they were just another hollow prop in this over-the-top fantasy.
“Thank you, Hero! With this, I can make my stew and keep my chickens safe!” Farmer NPC said, his grin almost unsettling in its sincerity.
“Glad I could help,” Kevinus replied, though his tone made it clear that he was anything but.
Congratulations Hero! You have achieved 'Honoured' status in Tutorial Village!
As they entered the village, the guards and other stock NPC's now somehow even friendlier, no doubt due to his rep bonus. Kevinus turned to Expositia. “So, this is my life now? Going from one ridiculous task to another, collecting random junk, defeating enemies that pose no real threat, and easily impressing a village full of NPCs just so I can get some magic sword to work?”
“Indeed, Hero,” Expositia said, oblivious to his sarcasm. “But fear not, for your reputation is already growing. Soon, you will be worthy to wield the Sword of McGuffin, and with it, you and I shall lead the charge against the Ancient Evil into the Twelve Realms.”
“Great,” Kevinus said, staring off into the distance where the next realm awaited. Hoping, praying, that the next leveling zone would be less of a facepalm. He couldn’t shake the feeling that someone, somewhere, was laughing at his plight.