I sat alone in the mess hall, moving some mashed potatoes around with my fork. I had been worried about how things would unwind when we finally got home and the mission was done. Regrettably, I had made a massive ass of myself, before and during our mission. My need for control and my weakness of mind had made me susceptible to Scylla's mental intrusions which had almost cost the team and got me killed. If it hadn't been for Orion's quick thinking, I would likely be dead. I could recall him calling out to me, as I sat wavering on the line of life and death. He had confessed a lot of emotion in that moment, and my heart and mind kept going back to that picture in his room; the one from the hockey game. In truth, I missed him too. He had been like a brother to me, and before all of this, he had been my best friend. I pushed him, and everyone else away in my pursuit of power and control. I stood from the table and scooped my potatoes into the garbage.

I made my way down to the dorm hall, and stood outside Orion's room. I stared at his name plaque outside his door, with my fist posed to knock. But I didn't know what I was going to say. What could I tell him that would make him stop hating me? How could I begin to make up for everything I had done, not only to him, but the others? Especially Amelia. I knocked gently, hoping he wouldn't hear me and I could just walk away.

"Yea, come in." I heard him say. I cursed under my breath and opened the door slowly. Orion took off his gaming headset and turned slowly around in his chair, smiling. His expression changed a bit when he saw that it was me.

"Oh, uh, hey Erik." He said, half turning back to his desk.

"Hey, could we talk?" I asked, still holding onto the door nervously. He looked over his shoulder and motioned for me to close it. I did, and leaned against it.

"Last time you came in here to talk to me, we had a pretty bad fight." He said, standing from his desk and turning to face me. He appeared bigger in that moment. He wasn't the little nerdy Orion who I remembered. There was more to him.

"Firstly, I wanted to apologize." I said, slowly. "I never should have approached you like that. I've been dealing with a lot of issues inside and out of the Order and I took that out on you and the others. But mostly you."

"I can forgive you for what you said to me." Orion nodded, leaning back on the desk. "I don't know if I can forgive you for what you did to Amelia. That was pretty shitty of you dude."

"I know. I understand entirely if everyone hates me because of that. And I plan on apologizing to her too. But I needed to talk to you first." I told him. Orion looked me in the eyes for a long hard minute.

"I heard what you were saying to me when I was down, after Scylla." I said. Orion turned red and looked away from me.

"I was worried you were..." He stammered.

"I understand. I completely get it." I told him. We both stood awkwardly across the room from each other and it felt like there was thousands of miles between us.

"I want things to go back to how they were before for us too. I want to be your best friend again, if you'll have me." I said, crossing my arms and looking down. I could hear Orion shifting nervously.

"I...would really like that too." He said, his voice suddenly small. He sighed lightly, and his body sunk back down into that small version of himself that I remembered.

"We just got paid for our last mission, so what do you say Saturday, we hit the bar and then a hockey game?" I offered, looking up at him. I expected him to tell me no. But I watched a range of emotions play across his face.

"Yea, I'd like that. It's a date." He said. He turned red again and then shook his head. "Not like a date date, like a set plan."

I watched as he turned, grabbing the side of the desk, and hung his head.

"Orion, is something wrong? You can tell me. If you need to rip me a new one or something, just let it all out. I completely understand if you're still pissed at me." I moved from the door and came up behind him, putting a hand on his shoulder.

"Erik..." He sighed again, this time, his entire frame lifted and dropped.

"What is it?" I asked, trying to turn him around to face me.

"I need to tell you something, at the risk of it jeopardizing everything we are trying to repair here." His brown eyes stared deeply into me. I felt like he was trying to speak to something deep inside of me.

"Anything man, I'm hear to listen." I told him. I could see his knuckles going white as he clutched the side of the desk.

"I need to tell you..." He froze, his eyes pleading for me to understand without him having to say the words. But I had no idea what he was about to say.

"Go ahead Orion, I won't judge you." I said, opening the floor for anything. I wondered what he could have been struggling with.

"I have had a crush on you since we were young. I've always wanted there to be something more between us, but I've always been content being your best friend. And when I thought you were gonna die, I thought I would never have the chance to tell you..." I could see the tears streaming down his face in the faint light of his glowing PC and keyboard LEDs.

I was shocked. Never in my mind had I assumed that was what he was going to tell me. I just stared at him, which made him turn away.

"Orion, I don't understand." I tried to reach out to him again, but he waved my hand away.

"I love you Erik. More than a friend, more than a brother. I always knew I did." He said, his words starting to catch in his throat. My mind raced. I had never seen Orion as anything less than family. We had grown up together, like siblings. He had been my closest, most trusted friend. This changed everything.

This content has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

"Orion, I don't know what to say." I didn't want to come off as insensitive, but I was at a loss. So instead, I moved forward and wrapped my arms around him. I felt him dissolve into my arms and let him cry there until he was ready.

"I'm sorry Erik. I should have said something sooner. I hope this doesn't make things awkward between us." He said into my shoulder.

"Honestly, I'm kinda flattered. But you know I don't swing that way, right?" I told him, still holding him. I felt his arms squeeze me a bit.

"I know." He sighed.

"This doesn't have to change anything between us dude. I'm still your best friend." I told him. I felt him shift in my arms and I let him go. I could tell there was a lot going on in his head, so I wanted to let him process. Honestly, I had never expected him to admit something like that to me.

"I thought you were into Amelia." I said, half-joking. Orion laughed through his tears.

"Oh man, don't even get me started there dude." He said, shaking his head.

"What? Her too?" I asked, suddenly realizing what he was getting at. He laughed, nodding.

"Bro, pick a lane!" I said, punching him gently in the arm. We both laughed.

We spent the rest of the night hanging out, like old times. Orion showed me the new Call of Duty Zombies and we played that for hours, laughing and joking like old times. He seemed lighter, having getting what he needed to say off his chest. Although I couldn't return his feelings in the way he wanted, I loved him too. And I was glad that we were on the path to repairing our friendship.

~*~

I had asked Ethan to ask Amelia if she would meet me in the Rec Room to talk. I had requested that Ethan also be present, so that her and I weren't left alone again. I had broken that boundary and trust and I had accepted that I would have to work to get that back. Truly, in all of this, I had become exactly what I had hated in my father. He had been a violent, aggressive womanizer. He had been a crappy husband and father. He had traumatized my mother so bad that she was still in a care facility, years after his death. I had grown up with the wrong idea of masculinity, a poor role model of what I was supposed to grow into. My mother had tried to show me softness and kindness, but my father always would tell her that it was going to 'make me gay'. As if a mother's kindness was somehow going to warp my sexual perception. His anger often led to beatings, of both my mother and myself. For me, it was to toughen me up. For her, it was a way to control her. She felt so trapped and broken, but she desperately clung to life, in order to be there for me.

In quiet moments, away from my father, my mother had been fun. She would take me to parking lot carnivals, and petting zoos. She would try to teach me compassion and kindness in a world that showed me the opposite. I remember those moments being a big secret from my father and I guarded them closely in my memories of her. She had developed a drinking problem over the years of my father's abuse, and eventually to prescription narcotics. Before my father's death, my mother was barely lucid, and it had been painful to watch. I think my perception of women had been skewed from my upbringing.

When Amelia entered, with Ethan standing behind her, she reminded me of my mother; timid and broken. And I realized I was the one making her feel like that.

"Thank you for agreeing to meet with me." I said, nodding at her and Ethan. Ethan nodded back, but his stern expression told me all it needed to.

"You're welcome." Amelia said, quietly. She maintained quite a distance from me, from one set of couches across from the other in the entertainment area, but I made no move to bridge that gap.

"I wanted to apologize for my behavior on the ship. You had come to me trying to be supportive, and I reacted in a way that is not suitable for a leader or a friend. Especially when you were as intoxicated as you were. I violated your trust and your compassion and I wanted you to know that it will never happen again. I respect you as a teammate, and I hope that you can feel safe around me again, one day." I told her sincerely. Amelia stared at me for a long moment.

"How many times did you have to re-write that?" She asked, all of her typical Amelia snark returning.

"Only twice. But I did have to practice it in the mirror a few times." I joked back, trying to keep the mood light. She nodded.

"I'm truly sorry Amelia. I let my own issues and insecurities impact a lot of my friendships and I just want to make sure you know that I do regret my actions." I felt both her eyes and Ethan's staring at me. I felt so much shame and guilt.

"I accept your apology. I would just appreciate it if we tried to fix things organically. Like, don't follow me around trying to fix it, and make things better. Just, wait till I come to you. Whenever that is. I just want space for now." Amelia said, the seriousness returning to her voice. She was building her confidence back up.

"I understand. Take all the time and space you need." I said, standing to leave. I walked passed Ethan, who stopped me.

"I appreciate what you're trying to do man." He said quietly. I nodded and smiled at him.

As I left the Rec Room, I headed back to my dorm for my headphones and changed into my jogging gear. I needed to clear my head, and be one with the wind. To shut everything else out. I had a lot to reflect on if I was going to continue being a good leader and friend to my team. I got out the door to the side of the Cathedral and started to stretch, when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

"Mind if I join you?" Kalysta asked. She was dressed in her own sports wear, her dark red hair tied back in a high ponytail. I was surprised to see her out here; I was usually alone for my runs.

"Umm, maybe next time?" I offered. Kalysta looked hurt, and pouted with her hands on her hips.

"You haven't seen me in weeks and now you can't even spend a little time with me?" She snapped back playfully. I smiled, and shook my head.

"I have a lot to think about. My runs are usually to clear my head." I told her.

"So ignore me. I'll just run along beside you, quiet as a mouse." She said, waving her hands.

"You distract me." I said, admittedly. Kalysta looked me up and down and snickered.

"And why is that?" She asked. I tried to turn away from her, but she stood in front of me, blocking my way out of the small alley beside the Cathedral's side door.

"Because I'm very attracted to you, but I have a hard time expressing my emotions." I told her. We stared at each other for a long time, before she shrugged and moved out of my way.

"You know what, good for you for recognizing that." She laughed. "I'll start my run after you're gone for a bit."

"I appreciate you respecting my boundaries." I said. She rolled her eyes at me.

"Now you sound like you've been reciting things out of a textbook. I take it you've started patching things up with the others?" Kalysta's tone was more serious now.

"Yup. And I have you to thank for pointing out that the fissure I was creating was of my own making." I said, finishing my stretches.

"It was hard to watch you self-destruct like that." She admitted.

"Honestly, it felt like I was trapped in the back seat of a vehicle driving out of control. I'm just glad I'm behind the wheel again." I said, starting to warm up. "Wanna get a movie later or something?"

"Or something." Kalysta said, starting her own stretches, winking at me.

I took off down the road, heading for the forested path, breathing deeply. I thought of all that had transpired recently, and how I had reacted to it all. I didn't need to be Anders' second in command to be a leader or to feel important. I didn't need the complications that I made for myself. I had friends that cared for me, and looked to me for guidance. My responsibility was to them, and their kindness would be reward enough. Like the secret memories of fun with my mother.

As I bolted down the trail, passing trees and other runners, I tried to keep my mind free of distractions. I was the breeze.

But deep inside, I was the storm.