Fabulous legs.

Beautiful six packs.

Peak performance biceps.

Hand in front of face for MAXIMUM POSING IMPACT!

_ Ghol: HOW DO YOU DO ON THIS FINE DAY, MILADY!!! Sho-burga Ghol, at your service!

_ Elf Princess: …

…This silence is getting a bit awkward.

_ Elf Princess: …Are you really going to greet the Elf Queen like that?

_ Ghol: I WAS DOING EXACTLY AS YA ASKED!!!

Heyo, this is Ghol. I naively thought that after receiving a mailbox (and a friggin' ROYAL GEM!) for my trouble, I would never have to deal this nutty elven princess who fell into my pit and exploded ever again in my life.

So, obviously, she appeared again.

Dammit!

_ Elf Princess: How is that even remotely close to "An elegant curtsy and formal self-introduction"?! And it's "Your Majesty", not "Milady".

_ Ghol: Well excuse me for being a commoner! I don't ever need to meet a queen to begin with!!!

_ Elf Princess: *Gasps* After *BEEP* and *BEEP* me until I *BEEP* out of *BEEP*, you won't even take responsibility?!

_ Ghol: Isn't that supposed to be my line?! I am the wronged party here!

_ Elf Princess: *Double gasps* To think that you would blackmail me, crown princess Yrneha Elmaris of the royal family, into *BEEP*, or even *BEEP*… BRING IT ON!!!

_ Ghol: You are just picking a fight with me aren't ya?!

Whoever let this woman out unchecked should be jailed for criminal negligence!!! My normal daily life has been murdered because of it!

…Speaking of, isn't she friggin' royalty? How did she come here unescorted? I thought it was only a freak incident last time, but could it be that this unhinged psycho sneaks out and harasses people on a daily basis?

_ Yrneha: Y-you are thinking that I am an idiot who often runs away from the castle alone and causes troubles for everyone by getting *BEEP*, *BEEP*, *BEEP*, and sometimes not even in that order, aren't you?! And that's why you are going to *BEEP* then *BEEP* me as punishment, aren't you?!

I'm not sure if she spouts these kinds of half-sharp, half-stupid, fully degenerate nonsensical mental assaults while meeting delegates from other kingdoms. Considering the letter of the elven minister, I'm pretty certain I will be happier not knowing.

_ Yrneha: I'll have you know that this is my first time running away! Most of the times it was because I wandered off while my bodyguards weren't looking!

Dear royal guards of the Elf Kingdom, please get better containment for your crown princess as she seems to be an idiot and a natural escapist at the same time for some reason!

And don't sneak out just to harass me in my own house!!!

_ Ghol: …Whatever. I'm going out to hunt now. Lock the door when ya leave.

_ Yrneha: *Triple gasps* Now that you have bested me in combat and *BEEP* my body until *BEEP* *BEEP*, you are throwing me away like a rag doll to free room for the next victim?!

_ Ghol: Ya went to my backyard and fell into the pit trap on ya own!

Well, admittedly, part of it was also due to the trap's camo. That's why I added a "Pit trap ahead! Beware!" sign at the fence. Boars can't read, so that's perfectly foolproof! The next time it goes…

*THUMP* *CRASH*

…Like that, it can only mean my next meal has walked to me by itself.

_ Ghol: …

_ Yrneha: …

_ Ghol: Boar meat, here I come!!!

_ Yrneha: *Mumbles* Can't believe my appeals lost to a BOAR!

I'll pretend I heard nothing!

And there, in the pit…

_ ???: Ow ow ow… I was careless.

It wasn't a boar, AGAIN!!!

Round ears, so not an elf this time, thank the heavens. A bit too tall for dwarves, so probably at least half human or beastkin with low visibility features under her robe.

She's also carrying a big book with fancy cover in her hands. Since she's alone in a forest, she's probably a mage?

_ Ghol: Uh… Ya okay down there?

_ Mage?: …A defenseless girl in a precarious situation against an orc who is only interested in the lower part of her body…

_ Ghol: How the heck did ya interpret it like that?!

_ Mage?: And hot-tempered as well. *Sighs* This is going to end up with me being *BEEP* or *BEEP*, isn't it?

…Déjà vu.

_ Yrneha: Hmm? Why are you looking at me?

I wonder.

_ Mage?: What are you waiting for? Don't you want to get down here and *BEEP* then *BEEP* this cute human magician girl until she *BEEP* and *BEEP* from *BEEP*?

You could be reading stolen content. Head to Royal Road for the genuine story.

_ Ghol: LIKE HELL I WOULD DO THAT!!!

This one is definitely just as degenerate as the elf!!! The princess of degeneracy in question is peeking into the hole by the way.

_ Yrneha: Oh ho~ To think the famed Dimensional Destroyer would fall for such simple tricks.

She is called WHAT now?! And it's a title, not a name, right?!

_ Yrneha: By the way, that title is, for once, not because of her bust size.

_ Ghol: I didn't ask anything about that!... Wait, "for once"? It's a normal occurrence?!

She's wearing a loose one-piece robe so it's kind of hard to see the… issue at hand here. Not that I really care…

Oh for ancestors' sake, why the heck are ya covering your chest NOW?! Ya' expression is so fake, Yrneha's antics seem genuine in comparison!

_ Mage?: Princess Yrneha… There has been rumors about you getting *BEEP* by orcs. Personally, I thought it was the opposite. Color me surprised to see you actually becoming *BEEP* *BEEP* for this orc here.

What kind of rumors are you people spreading around!!! Actually, scratch that. I'm too scared to ask at this point.

_ Yrneha: The rumors are all true, ufufu~

_ Ghol: They are not! Stop trying to slander my good name!

_ Yrneha: In fact, I was defeated before the battle even started, then got *BEEP* and *BEEP* violently until I was *BEEP* and couldn't stand anymore.

Don't bring me into this! Ya tripping and exploding is your own doing, ya crazy woman!!!

_ Yrneha: Since you and I have spent countless hours in close proximity of each other, I'll tell you this: You are in the exact place where I was *BEEP* senseless. Don't worry, I'll be gentle, oh ho ho ho~!

Why are you flaunting that rich people's laugh after a self-humiliation?! If the tales are anything to go by, isn't that reserved for when you are in an actual position of power?!

Also, what the hell is your relationship with her?!

_ Mage?: Guh… I may be able to blow up mountains, but my body is still that of an innocent human girl. A lustful orc at full strength AND a brainwashed elf is beyond my level. *BEEP* is right out, *BEEP* is borderline dangerous, m-maybe I can handle *BEEP*, but I doubt my opinion matters much in this situation…

It's no good. This mage is not listening to what I have to say at all, and Yrneha is pouring more oil into the fire!

_ Yrneha: Shall we find out in that case? You are already where we want you to be after all. Your fate was sealed the moment you fell into the pit.

Like when you did the same thing not long ago? Ya seem pretty fine to me.

_ Mage?: I knew it. This is no normal pit.

It IS a normal pit, dug by yours truly.

_ Mage?: It must be the nest for an unspeakable horror full of *BEEP* and *BEEP*, hiding and waiting for a beautiful maiden to be sacrificed to satiate its depraved needs…

_ Ghol: The only depraved people here are you two! And Yrneha, stop laughing!

_ Mage?: You say that, but the moment I let my guard down, you are going to summon the dark beast and let it *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP*. Once I *BEEP* from *BEEP*, you would finally come down and *BEEP* until I *BEEP* like the ruthless orc you are.

_ Ghol: HOW THE HELL DID YOU EVEN THINK OF THAT!!! I can't even create a fire with magic, let alone summon anything!

Before anyone says anything, we orcs can use magic. Powerful shamans can cause as much havoc as any mage in human or elven kingdoms, and look fabulous doing it!

It's just that I am a hunter, not a shaman, okay?

The mage pauses for a moment before sighing and pulling out a small purple vial from her pouch.

_ Mage?: Here.

_ Ghol: …Huh?

_ Mage?: Break this vial, and a *BEEP* horror will fill this pit in seconds. Needless to say, it will *BEEP* and *BEEP* me until I *BEEP* or…

_ Ghol: WHY THE HELL DO YA EVEN HAVE SOMETHING LIKE THAT!!!

Not only is her personality on par with the crazy Elf Princess, but her inventory as well! Is it a trend these days to have all this self-destructive gear on hand to harass people? I sure hope these two are just nut cases, otherwise even this rural orcish me will be really concerned for the future of both humans and elves as a whole!

_ Mage?: What are you waiting for? Come here and summon the monster to *BEEP* *BEEP* me as you have always desired.

_ Ghol: I do not have that kind of desire!

_ Mage?: …I get it. You prefer watching me *BEEP*, *BEEP* and *BEEP* from afar. Fine, I'll break it. BY MYSELF!

_ Ghol: Are you out of ya friggin' mind?! Put that thing away already!

Having seen "someone" literally exploded when things didn't go her way, I am confident that whatever this mage is trying to pull will be disastrous, potentially more so for her than me at that!

_ Mage?: Why are you so against it…? Could it be… *Gasps* I'm sorry! That was insensitive of me. There is no need to be ashamed though. Even the human king is having trouble getting it up at night lately.

…What.

WHAT. THE. HECK!

_ Ghol: I AM A WOMAN DAMMIT! THERE IS NOTHING TO GET UPPPPPPPPPP!!!

…

A few minutes later…

_ Mage?: As apology for the misunderstanding…

We have successfully pulled the mad mage out of the pit trap. I agreed to let her in my house on the condition that she does not pull that suspicious vial out again.

Maybe someday, I will be able to have actual sane, normal guests in this house…

_ Mage?: You can have this elixir. Although alchemy is only my hobby, I can guarantee its quality.

She hands me a small bottle containing a milk-like liquid in it.

_ Mage?: Drinking it with tea is fine too.

Even if she says that…

_ Yrneha: I can vouch for her ability. Her potions' effects are top-notch since she imbues them with excessive mana. Most of the plants and herbs used in alchemy get their properties by absorbing ambient…

As a physical fighter, I have no idea what she is going on about, but that probably means I can drink this right?

Pouring the elixir into a cup of tea, I give it a sniff. It does smell like tea with milk.

_ Ghol: Not enough for everyone…

_ Mage?: Please drink it. It was the portion for one person anyway.

_ Ghol: Well then…

I slowly drink the tea as the elf continues her lecture on alchemy that I can never understand.

_ Ghol: Not bad.

_ Mage?: Told you so.

_ Yrneha: What I'm saying is, the elixir is very powerful… Enough to be on par with the concoctions made by alchemists of legends, if she could stop picking wrong ingredients, that is.

_ Ghol: PFFFFFFFTTTTTT!!!

Yrneha decided to drop a bombshell statement after I had finished drinking the thing!

_ Mage?: How rude. I have improved since we last met. This time, I'm certain the elixir's only possible effects are mana surges to cast any spell for thirty days, permanent strength increase to lift an additional thirty kilograms, and getting it up for thirty hours straight! I don't know which one is the actual effect though…

_ Ghol: Ya don't even know what your potions do?!

And one of the effects is not like the other two! Just what the heck was she thinking while making this elixir?!

_ Mage?: It's not my fault that people call three different herbs "Herb of Power", okay? Why do they always have to pick names that sound like a dubious miracle medicine!

_ Ghol: Don't blame others for your own lack of knowledge!

_ Yrneha: I know that pain. Our alchemists scream every time a recipe mentions "Herb of Ultimate Power" or "Plant of Rejuvenation". I think our "Potion of Health Encyclopedia" in our royal library got a new volume recently as well.

Just how many "Potion of Health" recipes are there that requires multiple books to categorize?!

_ Mage?: That aside, do you feel a surge of power in your upper body or an urge to blow up the nearest mountain?

_ Ghol: …No, but why is that even an option?!

_ Mage?: In your lower body and an urge to *BEEP* both of us right now?

_ Ghol: HELL NO! For the last time, there is nothing to get up, ya depraved woman!

_ Mage?: Tsk. Enjoy your strength increase then. You should be fine.

_ Ghol: Oi.

I mean, it's good news that I don't get any weird effects, but her attitude is kind of pissing me off! She was hoping for another effect wasn't she?!

_ Mage?: Do tell me if you begin to experience delusions of grandeur, growth of a third leg, spontaneous combustion, or appearances of suspicious salesmen. The last one is not a possible side effect, but there are weirdoes trying to steal my elixirs or recipes every now and then.

_ Ghol: Then don't friggin' use experimental drugs on me!

_ Mage?: Rude. That one was meant to be delivered to the king.

_ Yrneha: Huh… Does His Majesty of the Human Kingdom still have bedroom problems?

_ Mage?: *Shrugs* His choice. Even though I offered a drug to heal him once and for all, with only a very slight chance of the body part bursting into flame, he adamantly asked for a safer elixir to be developed. Picky, isn't he?

_ Ghol: Don't friggin' use experimental drugs on the royalty either!!!

The number of weirdoes frequenting my house has increased by one.