Fang teeth, white and shiny.
Skin, green and oily.
Hair, braided menacingly.
Muscles, absolutely FABULOUS.
The orc is in top shape today as well!
Heyo, this orcish me is called Sho-burga Ghol. I moved into this forest recently with only bare minimum furniture. We orcs are not exactly social, hence living in isolation without neighbors is a perk, not a loss. In addition, there are multiple villages around within a day's walking distance so I can trade for necessities. For a solo hunter, this is not a bad place to live.
Speaking of which, I got a big haul the other day. Lots of meat and pelts. Gonna trade most of it for grains and furniture. Maybe some more seeds as well?
What? Surprised to see an orc thinking about veggies? We do prefer meat, but herbs and spices go a long way to make the meat more delicious. Grains can also be stored for a long time, good for emergencies. Other races seem to be dead set on thinking that we are purely carnivorous though. Maybe it's because of our big fangs?
The trip will take at least two days because of all the luggage. Need to make sure the garden is watered before leaving.
Ya heard that right, I do have a garden. Just a small fenced patch of land behind the house with some herbs, but a garden nevertheless. Saves me the long trek every time I want a different taste from my meals.
Planting anything in the forest is a pain though. The darn place is filled with monsters and wild beasts running around everywhere I look. I like their meat, but I can't hunt all of them while they can and will eat all of my plants!
Among them, wild boars are the worst. Not monsters, boars. Aggressive, big, smart, all the traits that make a dangerous game. I hunt for a living, and still would not fool around one of them without preparation. They can and will hurt hunters once threatened.
Those guys should eat meat like monsters of the same size, not vegetables!!!
As such, I removed a section of the fence around the garden and dug a big pitfall trap there. The bastards would try to run through that gap, and then…
*THUMP* *CRASH*
It would sound like that, probably.
…
Wait what?
Running through the backdoor with my weapon, I find that the flimsy cover has collapsed, revealing the deep pit underneath. Did not expect this to happen so soon, but I ain't complaining.
Boar meat, here I come!!!
_ Ghol: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAWR!!!
Unlike sneaky humans, orcish hunters do not depend on stealthy approaches. A menacing war cry will immobilize weak preys through fear and sometimes lure in territorial ones. Even in a hunt, orcs will fight bravely as well!
It is not because our heavy footsteps can be heard even by the deaf from miles away ya hear!?
As I reach the pit, I find the prey…
_ ???: Tsk, to think I would be done in by an orc…
Who is not a boar at all!
Elf, heavily armed one at that. She is evidently not conforming to the "elves with light armors" stereotypes. The adventurers in the nearby town would welcome this gal to be their vanguard just for her equipment alone!
_ Ghol: Uhhhhh…
Needless to say, I am NOT going to eat this one, okay? We don't eat humanoids. Even if we did, I am but a simple hunter while she is in friggin' knight armor! Not gonna tangle with that kind of death sentence. When facing an overwhelmingly more powerful enemy, a true orc bravely reassesses their situation and may or may not heroically charge in the other direction to fight another day.
No matter the race, heroes can only do heroic deeds when they are alive!
In other words, I have no intention of fighting her.
_ Elf: Kuh, just kill me, you beast!!!
_ Ghol: WHY?!
Our first exchange of words, and I can already see that this gal is nothing but trouble!
_ Elf: You set up this elaborate trap to block off my escape! Now that my agility is negated, you will charge in and effortlessly disarm me, then *BEEP* and *BEEP* and *BEEP* until I *BEEP* and *BEEP* and…
A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.
…This woman is nuts!!!
Rather than unsheathing her weapon, this elf is instead rambling about some indecent imaginations that are taking place in that rotten head of hers. Imaginations that I can absolutely live without knowing!
_ Ghol: It is just a pit ya rotten long-ear! Why the hell are ya behind my house anyway?! The animal trail is on the other side!
While this is a forest, there is still some traffic here and there, resulting in a trail along which travelers can go to reach common destinations. Heavily armored knights should not need to wander off the path in most circumstances!
_ Elf: I saw you through the window and just knew if I had continued as I was, I would have walked right into your territory! You would have jumped at me and effortlessly disarmed me, then *BEEP* and *BEEP* and…
_ Ghol: Why the hell did ya come to the same conclusion?!
I don't know (and don't want) to know what is going on in her mind, but if she thought she was in danger, how about using that sword dangling at her side instead of covering her chest like she is in a snowstorm?!
And why did she, despite (incorrectly) thinking that going near my house is a bad idea, decide that approaching my house from the back would be a better plan? She couldn't possibly think she could sneak up on me in that metallic armor, could she?!
_ Elf: Because you are an orc! It is in your blood to *BEEP* and *BEEP* us elves the first chance you have! Not to mention you would *BEEP* and *BEEP* until I *BEEP* from *BEEP* or even *BEEP*!
_ Ghol: OI! That's discriminating based on racial stereotypes!!!
Frankly, I have no idea where these ideas came from. In orcish culture, or at least that of my home village, the most important feature of a potential partner is muscles, not ears. Elves and orcs have too many differences in both mentality and physique in the first place. We do have occasional weirdoes who are into that stuff, but they are not the norm!
_ Ghol: Ugh, whatever. Wait a moment, Imma get a rope and pull ya out.
And kick this nut-case out of my house as soon as possible too. I don't want to get stuck here with a delusional elf more than absolutely necessary.
_ Elf: Ha! As if I would believe that! I'm sure you will just get your *BEEP* in order to *BEEP* me! I will get out myself!
Still spouting vulgar nonsense, the elf takes a step back before charging forward. These long-ears are always so nimble no matter what kind of heavy weaponries on them.
Their ability to cut butter with said weaponries is questionable at best when compared to a real orc though. Heh.
_ Elf: KYA!!!
She tripped over a small rock and faceplanted into the ground! Seriously, what is this woman doing…?
*Crack* *BOOM*
For some inexplicable reason, her metallic armor shines brightly, then explodes, shattering the plates into countless pieces all over the pit!
_ Elf: KYAAAAAA!!!
*BOOM*
Her padded shirt follows suit.
*BOOM*
So does her fancy underwear. Only caught a glimpse, but there were a lot of laces.
*BOOM*
How is she still exploding?!
As the dust finally settles…
_ Ghol: …
_ Elf: I knew it! You really wanted to *BEEP* and *BEEP* after all!!!
I'm stuck here with a delusional elf, who is also stark naked except for her socks. Dear ancestors, WHY?!
_ Ghol: Wasn't that ya own damn fault?! Why the heck did ya armors explode anyway?!
_ Elf: Hah! Because we knew you uncivilized beasts would *BEEP* and *BEEP* our armors once we are down, then inevitably *BEEP* as well as *BEEP*! Our greatest scholars worked together days and night to invent this enchanted equipment! It will self-destruct if the wearer falls to the ground, making sure you *BEEP* never get your hands on our artifacts ever again!
_ Ghol: More like ya biggest idiots!!! What's the point of armor if it is going to break after tripping over a rock!?
_ Elf: Huh, now that you mention it… ANYWAY! What are you waiting for?! You want to *BEEP* or *BEEP*, not to mention *BEEP* don't you?! COME AND GET IT!!!
What have I done to deserve this…
I go back into the house while she continues rambling about whatever depraved scenarios going through that rotten brain of her. She doesn't even realize that I'm gone!
…
When I return, she is still going at it. In a way, that's amazing.
_ Ghol: Oi, catch.
_ Elf: This is…
_ Ghol: Old robe. Put it on before ya catch a cold.
And someone catch sight of this, no matter how unlikely.
_ Elf: …! The only thing that remained of a woman after you *BEEP*…
_ Ghol: AS IF! It's mine to begin with!
Admittedly a bit big for her, but it covers everything, and won't explode when bumped slightly. Innovative, I know.
_ Elf: A cursed robe that makes me *BEEP*, maybe even *BEEP*…
_ Ghol: Your armor is the only thing that is cursed here!!!
In addition, unlike her, I do not willingly put on cursed equipment.
_ Elf: A fake act of kindness to trick naïve young girls into *BEEP* then *BEEP* as compensation…
_ Ghol: The only thing I will ask is you putting it on and leave my house!!!
Even if I was such a suspicious person, I would not prepare a plan that depends on my preys walking into my pit trap and having their outfits explode to pieces!
_ Elf: Then why do you have woman clothing in your house…?
_ Ghol: Did you not hear what I said? It's my old robe.
_ Elf: …
_ Ghol: …?
_ Elf: You are a woman?
…I'll let her have the benefit of doubt and assume that she could only see my face and not my chest. The other explanation is that she is too stupid to know the differences, and I want to preserve what's left of my sanity as well as my faith in civilization.
_ Ghol: That I am.
_ Elf: …I knew it! You orcs are savage beasts who will *BEEP* and *BEEP* regardless of genders!!!
_ Ghol: GIVE ME A BREAK ALREADY!!!
After that, I managed to pull her out with a rope and send her away. She insisted I keep her lace thigh high socks as payment for the outfit. I declined for obvious reasons. What use do I have for some used socks that won't even fit my beautiful athletic legs?
…
A few days later, I saw a mail in my mailbox.
Even though I did not have a mailbox to start with!
"Dear mysterious orc lady,
We must apologize and thank you for helping our crown princess the other day. As our useless deadbeat of a princess must have caused you a lot of grief, we have allocated some funds to the Adventurer Guild for your personal use. If you bring this letter to a branch, they will let you withdraw or transfer the money as you see fit.
The princess also wished for you to keep her old tiara's magical gem as a thank you gift. It should be in the same envelope as this letter.
Magically signed,
Elven minister of foreign affair
P/S: That hag said you didn't have a mailbox, so I am sending you one as a personal gift. No one is ever paid enough to deal with her."
_ Ghol: …CROWN PRINCESS?!?!?!
And that's how my trap got me involved with a really, REALLY troublesome elf…