3/21/54

ALEXANDER GALDUR

My legs gave way beneath me, and my knees hit the floor with a hard thud. Leaning to the right, I supported myself with my arm. My arm too, however, felt unnaturally drained, and it barely managed to not collapse. Wobbling, I realized that this was the most I had ever used my magic before. At the moment, my total magic was lower than fifty percent, both light and dark. The drain made itself known with a throbbing headache and an exhausted body.

Pain radiated from my head, and what felt like should’ve been a flash of intense pain instead lingered as a continual form of agony. It felt like something was about to pop in my head; an expanding internal pressure made me use my free hand to grip my hair. The threat of my hair ripping out only made my grip harder while the pressure in my brain continued to increase.

The faint sound of voices penetrated the pain, only for the hole they created to be filled once more. Then, someone placed their hand on my shoulder. I managed a glance at them, and I saw a worried Deimos, “Hey! Are you okay?”

“I’m… I’m fine. I just need a second.” With a deep inhale to steady my weakened body, I adjusted myself, so I would be sitting in a more steady position. Shifting my weight slowly, a wave of nausea and lethargy crashed over me. My hand went from gripping my hair to covering my mouth. Saliva production increased, and my tongue could detect a slight hint of copper.

I swallowed the spit and took more deep, steadying breaths. My chest raised up and down as I tried to calm my body. The headache I felt, didn’t help either, only reinforcing the feeling of illness.

“I… Deimos, could you help me get some water?” I struggled between breaths.

Deimos agreed to as he took a step to my left, “Sure. Here, let me help you up.” He wrapped his arm around me, getting his hand under my right arm. He then lifted me with a single heave while I did my best to try and get my feet beneath my shuddering form. Looking to the right, I saw Max fumbling around, unsure of what to do or how to help.

“I’ll be fine. Just need to rest for a little.” I calmed him while giving my best fake-smile. He seemed to ease slightly, but he still fidgeted uncomfortably while I stumbled away with the help of Deimos. We eventually made it to the water fountain, only drawing a few curious glances. The blonde-haired girl just happened to see, and I could see smug amusement in my suffering creep into a nasty grin across her face.

I glared at her and tried to ignored her, but she was really starting to get on my nerves. I flash banged her once and may have almost punched her in the face, but those were both accidental! This continual contempt seemed unnecessary. She was needlessly aggressive for a few mishaps on my part. I wished she’d just piss off.

Another crash of nausea and drowsiness hit me as my shadow started to creep across the ground. I hurriedly willed it to come to a halt, and reluctantly, it did, creeping back into my silhouette. Luckily, nothing seemed to emerge from that little slip; unluckily, my magic was drained even further. Stumbling, and almost falling to the ground if not for Deimos’s help, bile rapidly rose in my throat. A heavy heave filled my mouth with the acidic liquid, and laboriously, I fought the acid back down my gullet.

A burn filled my throat as I kept gagging and fighting down the biting fluid. An acrid, sour taste filled my mouth and increased my swimming nausea. When we finally made it to the water fountain, I threw myself from Deimos’s assistance. Catching myself with my arms so my nose didn’t crash into the metal rim, I pushed down on the button. A stream of water shot from the fountain, and I greedily guzzled the cool liquid. My stomach filled with the chilled water, easing my queasy stomach.

Parting my lips from the stream, I crumpled to the ground in an exhausted mess, gasping for breath after my drink. After a while of waiting and having sweat drip down my brow, my breathing stabilized, and after about two minutes of just sitting there and letting myself recover, Deimos finally spoke up, “So, want to explain what happened there?”

I sluggishly raised my head to match Deimos’s intense and inquisitive gaze, staring down at me from above like a spotlight. Mumbling out with much effort, “I… I overused my magic. I used too much power.”

“Yeah, I got that.” Deimos growled, refusing to release his gaze from mine, “What I was talking about was your shadow magic. I noticed you acting weird, and knowing what you are, I had my suspicions. You proved them right. I saw the shadows. What. Was. That?”

I opened my mouth to talk but held my tongue. Could I really answer? Would I become a threat? What do I do? I flinched, but my barely recovered muscles screamed at me to stay still, to not move. Despite the yelling in my head to run away, I knew even if I tried to flee, I would be caught almost instantaneously. All I could do was lie or tell the truth, both while attempting to persuade Deimos.

I opened my mouth one final time and began my explanation, “I used too much light magic at first. Both of my magic keeps each other in check; if one tries to get out of control, the other will stop it. My own consciousness also manipulates my magic. At the time, I used too much light magic, and that meant my other magic was free. I decided to lean into it, using as much of that magic as possible, so it would run out faster. That way, I would be able to pull on the reins for both of my magic types.”

Deimos’s gaze turned into a glare as he reached for the batons he kept on him, “You can’t control your magic?”

“Wait! Wait. It’s not that bad. Calm down. Look, it’s just the way my magic works. My magic needs to stay in an, uh,” I trailed off going quiet, losing myself in thought, “What’s the word again.”

Deimos must have overheard my muttering, and he spoke up, “Balance?”

“Balance, balance.” I mumbled to myself. Something about it didn't sound right, but it had the meaning I was looking for. It would have to do. Cementing that thought but still thinking of other synonyms, I responded to Deimos, “Yeah, balance; that works. It doesn’t matter what the word is, what matters is my magic. As long as I keep the two of them in a balance, I’ll be fine. If our magic is based on who we are, then this shows my personality is balanced and, most of the time, pretty stable.”

“Maybe, but it could also means you become unstable. Dangerous. If you use your magic too much, then you could go off the rails. You’re a threat.” Deimos retorted.

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“But I don’t have to be. Look, as long as I get the proper training, I’ll be able to keep it under control.” I countered, unconvinced of my own words. Honestly, I was unsure of whether or not I’d actually be able to gain control of my magic. I only hoped that Deimos wouldn’t notice my lack of self-faith. If I didn’t believe my own lie, then that just makes it all the easier to find out. Thankfully, it seemed he bought it.

“Sure, you might be able to get control, but what happens if you don't, huh? By that point, you’ll be stronger and an even larger danger to everyone around you. I don’t doubt that you, at heart, are a good person, but the problem is you’re too unpredictable and too threatening.”

Despite him not noticing my lie, it didn’t matter; he was still heavily against me. I defended, trying to just convince him to leave it be for now, “Okay, but before you do anything rash, with complete confidence, can you say I’m a threat. After only a few days of watching me, would you be willing to be the cause of my death.”

Deimos visibly flinched, his whole body making a sudden jerking movement before steadying. He clearly hadn’t expected the question I had fired at him, presented with the physical recoil from it. Then, a thoughtful expression crossed his face, stuck in a frown as his piercing gaze drilled into the metal floor. He stayed like that for another one or two seconds before he released a frustrated sigh and ran his hand through his hair.

His eye flicked back to me, focusing that glare of his. With one more exasperated breath, he conceded, “Fine, fine, alright. I’ll keep watching you.”

I expressed my gratitude with a beaming smile, “Thank you. Thank you so-”

Before I could finish, however, Deimos had more to add, “But, by the time your training is over, you’ll need to have convinced me otherwise.”

I thought about it for a bit, ruminating whether or not this would be good for me, and I decided to not argue against it, “Alright, fair. Though, one thing, when does training end?”

“Training ends whenever Trainer Masako deems fit.” Deimos explained, “When she feels you’ve learned enough, she’ll assemble two teams, one of staff like herself, and one with the Trainees she’s decided to pass. Then, they’ll do battle, and once it is over, win or lose, she’ll make the final decision to let you go or not.”

“Okay, okay.” I muttered to myself before asking my final question, “From what I know, there are a lot of different ranker jobs. You, for example, are a scout. My question is, this training seems pretty generalized, and if someone was meant to be something a little more specialized, wouldn’t they get less benefits from it.”

Deimos nodded along and agreed, “You’re right. Someone might go for something more focused, not really benefiting from martial arts or battle tactics. The thing is, although when you get past this is when you’ll become a ranker, other rankers won’t consider you one until you do more training. You see, when you become a rank twenty like myself, you choose the job you want, in my case scout, and you’ll be provided more specialized training.”

“... Doesn’t that mean you aren’t a real ranker, at least not among your peers?” I prodded, my lips curling even while I felt sickness flow through me.

“Quiet, I’m the youngest ranker to date.” Deimos retaliated before looking back at me, “Anyway, you won’t get that training. You’re trying to get the basics down, so when you hunt down bounties to pay off your debt, you won’t die when facing them.”

Another tide of queasiness flowed over me, although, for completely different reasons than before.

I pushed down those feelings while pushing myself from the ground, using the wall for support, so I didn’t topple over. Deimos came in and helped me to my feet, and together, I managed to shamble back to the general training area.

Max had just started practicing on his lonesome, drawing runes onto the ground and setting them off, so I took that as the sign to start doing our own things. I stumbled to a mostly empty space and sat down cross-legged. My eyes closed shut as to obtain more focus with less distractions, and I peered inwards. There was my magic. Dark and light.

Right now, I have an unknown deadline for final judgment from Deimos, so I need to get this under control as fast as possible. So far, I’ve been trying to restrain my magic while it continues to run rampant. My most recent stunt had some success. My dark magic enjoyed its sudden use, but it used up too much power on my part. I have to find a way to control my magic, not relying on my magic to weaken itself while it does whatever.

At the moment, my reserves have built up to about thirty percent for my light magic and fifty-five percent for dark magic.

Okay, before any magic practice, I just needed to regenerate more magic. I did not want to go through that magic-depletion-thing again. That was awful. In the meantime, I proceeded to exercise. I had the feeling that Trainer Masako would see that and make me do more, but I would hate to just be unproductive.

While exercising, however, I was only able to do half of the normal amount. I stumbled up to get more water and painstakingly trudged back to my little spot. Checking on my magic again, and, oh! I was up another ten percent per magic. That’s nice, though still not enough; I keep holding off on magic because I want to get my light magic above fifty percent at the very least.

Another round of exercise and considerable improvements physically because of my regenerated magic, and I was ready to try some magic. First, I summoned an orb of light in front of me as I sat down. The light was at around eye level, and it would probably burn my retinas if my eyes weren’t closed for focus. On the inside of my shirt, just as I had done when my dark magic went berserk, I had around fifteen small, dark tendrils form.

They immediately reached out to touch my shirt which I urgently urged them not to do. If my shirt just started shaking around without any input, it could draw some attention which I really didn’t want right now. They complied, actually quite calmly, not choosing to try and resist it. At the moment, there wasn’t any danger or stimuli from rapidly decreasing magic levels, so it was calm and willing to take orders.

Oh, so now you’re listening to me. Fine. Let’s just do this.

I inhaled deeply, and before trying to gain control over the volatility and unruliness or my dark magic, I just wanted to use it like normal. With an iron grip of will, I took control over the fifteen tentacles, pulling them together and fusing them. To conceal the larger tentacle, I wrapped the it around my body. Okay, that worked. Great. With my eyes closed, I’m constantly watching my magic levels while using my magic, so I can say that I had used about seven percent of my magic.

Good, that worked. It followed without hesitance, and my dark magic only looks slightly unnerved. Thankfully, my light magic is keeping it under control, trying to tell it everything is normal. Though, that brings my attention to a thought I had been putting off: why is my magic acting like this. It acts like it’s sentient, sapient. I’m… unsure of how to feel about this. Do they feel things? Are they their own identities? How do I treat them knowing this?

So far, they’ve been relatively happy following my commands, going along with the spells I cast… Actually, scratch that, my light magic complies, my dark magic follows along only if it isn’t stress. Damn angsty thing. With a sigh, I reel in my thoughts. In the end, magic is an extension of us, therefore, my magic is part of me, so it should be fine. Alright, at this point, I’m feeling a little light headed, so I think I’ll exercise, regenerate my magic, and then I’ll get to controlling my magic.