Have you ever heard of mankind’s lack of free will? Yes? Everyone debates about whether humans have free will or not? Lots of stories talked about that? Fuck. I was gonna do a causality intro and everything, but now I know it’s not original!

Because this story is 100% original and doesn’t parody anything. Ignore all the parodies in the last part and this part.

Okay, what intro should I do for this chapter? Ah! I got it! Behold, the perfect intro!

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

There! That should explain things! Now, back to the story!

Leopold sat in the burned remains of his village. The boy was surrounded by countless charred corpses.

“Everyone I know and love is dead!” he shouted. “This sucks! And I will have my revenge!”

Then, the sound of hoofsteps hit his ears. Leopold stood up, holding the goedendag and gun shield. A man riding on a horse approached him. This male looked like he was at least 267, and he had a short white beard. There was a greatsword on his back and a katana at his hip. On his head was a feathered hat.

“I shee that you want revenge, lad,” the man said.

Leopold looked up at the newcomer, tears in his eyes.

“Who the fuck are you?” the boy asked.

“My name’sh Jamesh Ramirez Zed,” the man answered. “What’sh yours?”

“Leopold Bumfuzzle Patricks.”

James took off his hat and put it on his chest.

“I’m shorry about what happened to your village, but I know who deshtroyed it. He’sh a man I’ve been hunting for yearsh,” the man stated.

Leopold’s expression turned cold.

“Who is he? I’ll kill him.”

“Hish name’sh Lord Richard because the author thought that it would be funny if the villain of thish story’s name wash dick,” James explained. “Ever shince I wash a teenager like you, I’ve been hunting him down.”

“Why haven’t you stopped him?” Leopold questioned.

“Becaush he hash an army, and I’m jusht one man. But I’m shure that if I have one other pershon helping me, I can shtop him,” the man said.

“He must be really old if you’ve been fighting him since you were a teenager.”

James shook his head.

“I’m afraid not, lad. I’m 25 yearsh old, and he’sh 32.”

Shock coated Leopold.

“You look like you’re at least 100!” the boy declared.

“I’ve been under a lot of shtressh, lad. That short of thing ish not good for you,” James stated.

Leopold shook his head.

“We’re getting off topic,” the boy said. “I want to kill Lord Richard more than anything else! If I can die to kill him, I’d gladly do that!”

A case of literary theft: this tale is not rightfully on Amazon; if you see it, report the violation.

“I’ll help you kill him, lad. But first, I’m certain you want to know Lord Richard’s backshtory,” James stated.

“Not really. I don’t care why he burned down my village,” Leopold replied.

“Shilence, lad. Writer, let me take over the narration.”

Okay, here you go.

Lord Richard wash born into a noble family. Then, hish family died in a tragic shurfboarding accident. Richard wash left on hish own, inheriting hish family’s landsh at the young age of shix. The only people to raish him were hish shervantsh.

Without hish parentsh guidance and all that power and reshponshibility of a feudal lord ash a child, Lord Richard grew up to become a masshive dick. He wanted more power, sho he raished taxesh on hish peasants. When the commonersh under him revolted, he killed them all.

Then, Lord Richard realized that there washn’t anyone left to give him tax money. He decided to conquer other landsh, but he wash defeated in battle by another lord.

After thish defeat, Lord Richard traveled to the far Easht. There, he trained under the legendary shwordshman, Wang Cox. Lord Richard returned much shtronger than before. He defeated that lord, and then conquered hish landsh. Then, he conquered other landsh.

And that’sh where I come in. My father wash an immortal shecret agent and my mother wash a queen. Lord Richard killed my immortal father by cutting hish head off. Then, he turned my mother into a newt and burned down my kingdom. Now, I’m trying to shtop him from doing this to anyone elsh.

I’m not doing a good job of that, but I’m shtill trying.

And I’m taking back the narration now.

“Why don’t we get that Wang Cox guy to help us?” Leopold wondered.

“Becaush the writer dropped an anvil on him sho we wouldn’t have an eashy time of fighting Lord Richard,” James explained.

“Then how are we going to kill Lord Richard?”

“Firsht, I’m going to take you on a training arc,” James explained. “You need to get better at ushing weapons if we’re going to shtop that dick.”

He pulled out his sword and pointed it at Leopold.

“Now, feel the…that one thing from that thing,” James said.

Nothing happened.

“I’m not an immortal,” Leopold pointed out.

“And immortalsh are shupposhed to be infertile, but my father wash one,” James replied. “I’d shay the writer doeshn’t care about that crap. Now, come, let’s shtart on your training arc.”

The two of them went into a forest deep in the mountains. It was an isolated place where few men dared tread. There weren’t many women who dared tread there either. Animals dared tread there, though.

Anyway, James and Leopold were in a clearing. It was a…do I really need to describe what a fucking clearing looks like?

“Alright, lad. It’sh time to shtart your training,” James said.

“What are we doing first?” Leopold asked.

“We’re going to build up your shtrength. You’re going to do shome physhical activitiesh, starting with wreshtling,” the man answered. “And I have the perfect shparring partner for you.”

James shouted.

“Come out, now!”

A bear walked out of the underbrush.

“You want me to wrestle a bear?” Leopold questioned. “Are you insane?”

“No. There washn’t shupposed to be a bear here. It wash shupposhed to be a mountain lion.”

The bear barfed out a cougar skull. James grabbed Leopold and pulled him onto his horse.

“I think now’sh a good time to get you ushed to horsheback riding, lad,” James stated as they fled from the bear.

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And now, we return to your regularly scheduled adventures of an anime protagonist and a Sean Connery impersonator.

“What the hell was that?” Leopold asked.

“The necromancersh, lad. They’re trying to branch into non-world domination related indushtries,” James answered.

“Why?”

“Becaush they’re bored and broke. Necromancy doeshn’t pay the bills,” the man said.

Leopold and James were in a different part of the forest. This time, they were balancing on some really tall rocks.

And we’re on a cliffhanger! Duh duh duh!