Johnny John John thrust his spear into the air. It collided with Rufus Filch Shingen’s sword staff, creating a shockwave that made a massive crater in the ground. The two clashed their weapons over and over. Debris flung into the air.

Rufus shot a blast of fire at Johnny. Mr. John jumped into the air to dodge it. He landed on a tree. The fireball flew into the distance, slamming into a mountain and making it explode. Johnny looked down at Filch with a smug smirk on his face.

“So, you think such a meager attack is enough to kill me?” Johnny asked.

“Oh, I know it’s enough,” Rufus answered. “I just need to hit you.”

“Too bad! No one can hit me!”

Johnny ran around Rufus in a circle. He moved so fast that it created afterimages. Rufus swung his sword staff at Johnny, but he kept hitting the afterimages. This caused the afterimages to fly back from the force of the blow and crash into rocks and trees.

Then, the afterimages turned to Rufus and thrust their spears at once. Their weapons collided against his armor, cracking it and crushing it to pieces. Rufus let out a scream of pain, but his armor saved his life.

“That’s it!” Rufus declared. “It’s time for my ultimate attack! You can’t survive this, Johnny!”

Johnny and all the afterimages stopped. They smirked smugly at Rufus.

“Oh? What attack is that?” Johnny asked.

Rufus pulled out a bottle of Coke. Fear poured through Johnny’s heart.

“No! That attack’s too dangerous! It’ll kill us both!” Johnny shouted.

“Good. A samurai’s greatest glory is death in battle,” Rufus said.

“But you’re not a samurai! You’re not even Japanese! You legally changed your last name to Shingen!” Mr. John pointed out.

“Yes, but I am a Spartan! And THIS IS the beginning of this story!” Rufus shouted.

Rufus pulled out a pack of Mentos. He poured the Coke all over it. The ensuing explosion destroyed the entire planet.

That was 200 years ago.

And don’t worry about the planet. It got better.

Leopold Bumfuzzle Patricks was a teenage anime protagonist with purple hair and green eyes. He was fairly skinny, as teenage anime protagonists tend to be, and he didn’t have any muscles because he hadn’t gone through his training arc yet. He also doesn’t have a personality so you can insert your personality into him.

Currently, Leopold was flung into the mud of the pig pens. He jumped up, pigs surrounding him, begging for a meal. In front of him were a group of generic bullies with smug smirks on their faces.

“Don’t you have anything better to do than pick on me?” Leopold asked.

“No. We’re in the middle of a village in bumfuck nowhere, Bumfuzzle,” Generic Bully 1 answered. “We don’t have anything better to do.”

“And you’re weak!” Bully 2 said.

“I’m not weak! There’s 6 of you and 1 of me! If it was 1v1, I’d win!” Leopold declared.

The bullies laughed.

“If you can’t take six men at once, you’re not strong!” Bully 1 said. “I know my big sister’s strong! She says that she can take 12 men at once!”

“That’s nothing! My mother can take 23 men at once!” Bully 3 bragged.

“Oh, yeah?” Bully 6 smirked. “My grandmother said she took the entire town at once! She also says she has a disease and I probably have it too. I don’t know where it came from.”

Leopold grimaced.

“You are all in puberty. There is no damn way you don’t know what they meant,” he said.

“We are in puberty, but we’re also stupid. Generic bullies have to be stupid, after all,” Generic Bully 1 explained.

“I bashed my head against a wall until I forgot what words are,” Generic Bully 2 stated.

“Enough of this!” Leopold declared. “I have had enough of your spaggled bollywarterry and dank memes! I will finish this once and for all!”

He picked up a pig and pointed its mouth at the bullies. Leopold squeezed the pig hard. Fire shot out of its mouth, causing the generic bullies to flee in terror. A smug smirk crossed Leopold’s face.

“It’s a good thing that pigs breath fire, and not just because it means that they come pre-cooked,” he said.

Leopold put the pig down.

“Now, I need to get to the errand my mother sent me on,” he stated.

The boy ran over to the blacksmith’s shop. He stepped inside.

The narrative has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the infringement.

“Hey, is mom’s goedendag and gun shield done yet?” Leopold asked.

In front of him was the blacksmith, a jolly old man with a beard almost as big as his muscles. He dressed in red and had yellow eyes that glistened like morning dew. The blacksmith also did not have any teeth.

“Oh, there you are, Leopold! They’re done! Do you want to eat any nails while you wait for me to get them?” the blacksmith questioned.

“No,” Leopold said. “I’ll just wait.”

The blacksmith went into the back of his shop and returned with a goedendag and gun shield. While the former was a practical weapon that’s very effective against armored opponents, the latter is a weapon that was ditched during testing.

“I hope your mother likes eating these,” the blacksmith stated.

Leopold grabbed the weapons and decided it was best to not tell the blacksmith that his mother wouldn’t eat the items. He returned home, going up to his mom. She was a middle-aged bald woman with scars over her head.

At the moment, Leopold’s mother was polishing her bald head with wax. The boy walked over to her.

“Hey, mom, I have your weapons. What are you doing?” he asked.

“I’m polishing my head! I want it to reflect sunlight so it can blind my enemies!” his mother answered.

She took the weapons and examined them.

“Good,” Leopold’s mother said. “Silvorn’s work is as fine as ever.”

Then, she turned to Leopold.

“My son, remember, you have no enemies. But I have lots of enemies. So, you’d better be ready to murder them at the first opportunity,” she stated.

“I will remember, mother,” Leopold replied.

“Also remember: you can’t trust men, women, or wild animals that want to eat your face. You especially can’t trust the wild animals that want to eat your face. The only thing you can trust is steel,” his mother said.

“I will remember this,” he nodded.

“And also remember this: you are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You are an anime main character, which means your life is going to suck,” she stated.

“Got it, mom,” Leopold replied.

“Alright. Now, go play somewhere random. Preferably, in the woods or something.”

Leopold walked away.

“Why does mom always treat me like a child? I’m teenager already,” he sighed.

Then, Leopold looked over his village. He saw the thatched roofs, the wooden wall around the perimeter, the gong farmers doing their jobs, the rat catchers running after rodents, the gibbets holding criminals who were begging for mercy, the prostitutes peddling their wares, the beautiful cathedral that was in the middle of bumfuck nowhere for some reason, and the lord’s castle, which was made of paper because the lord was a hipster.

“You know, despite the bullies, I have a pretty good life in my generic fantasy village,” Leopold said. “I hope nothing bad happens that ruins my life and sends me on an epic quest for revenge.”

In the distance, an army gathered. The men were head clad to toe in cardboard armor that was painted so it would look like it was metal. At the army’s head was a tall man in actual metal armor. His armor was black and had skulls on it so everyone would know how evil he is. Even his horse was painted black so he’d look even more evil!

“Let’s see…what’s on my evil overlord checklist today?” he wondered.

The man pulled out a list.

“Oh, yes! I’m supposed to attack the Chosen One’s hometown!” the evil overlord said.

Then, he looked at the village and turned to his army.

“Burn that village down and kill everyone there,” he commanded.

His horse spoke up.

“But Lord Richard, that isn’t the Chosen One’s hometown! The Chosen One’s hometown is the village right next to it!”

“Eh, I’m too lazy to have my army walk less than a mile to burn down a different village,” the evil overlord waved it off. “Now, burn down the village!”

His archers stepped forward, lighting their arrows on fire. They shot them into the air where most of them snuffed out immediately. The ones that didn’t snuff out fell into the ground and harmlessly burnt out!

“Well, that was disappointing,” Lord Richard said.

He pulled out a trumpet.

“Time to send in the cavalry!” the evil overlord declared.

Lord Richard blew into the trumpet. His cavalry charged. They ran up to the walls where their lances shattered upon contact with the wood! The horsemen then drew their swords and started cutting the walls with them.

“Take that, wood!” one shouted.

“We’ll cut you down, eventually!” another declared.

The guards on the wall looked down at them.

“Should we do something?” one guard asked.

“No,” another answered. “I want to see where this is going.”

Fury boomed through Lord Richard.

“Enough of this!” he declared. “Stop attacking the walls! Go through the gate! It’s wide open!”

The cavalry were too far away to hear him.

“Send in the infantry,” Lord Richard sighed.

“You got it, Lord Richard!” his horse said.

The animal pulled out a trumpet and blew on it. Then, the infantry charged forward. They ran through the open gate and started killing random people! One infantryman pulled out a generic flaming thing and set a building on fire!

Leopold was on the opposite side of town. There were birds sitting on his shoulders.

“Alright, time for my musical number,” he stated.

The boy cleared his throat.

“IIIIIIIIII,” Leopold sang.

Then, he stopped.

“Alright, I think that’s enough singing,” the boy said. “I’m going to go back to mother now because I have nothing better to do.”

The boy walked back towards his house, just to see smoke rising in the distance. He heard the sound of screams and the clashing of various assorted weapons. Fear struck the boy’s heart.

“Oh, no! Something is happening that will ruin my life! I’ve got to get to mother before the bad guys do!” Leopold declared.

He ran through the streets, death and fire all around him. A generic evil soldier ran into a house, set it on fire, and started looting it. Yes, he looted it after he set it on fire and not before. Lord Richard doesn’t exactly have many smart soldiers. I mean, they’re going into battle with armor made of cardboard. You’d have to be pretty stupid to do that.

Anyway, a soldier saw Leopold and shot an arrow at him. The arrow missed, bounced off a rock, and hit the soldier that shot it in the head. That soldier died.

Leopold ran over to his house where he found his mother standing outside with her goedendag and gun shield.

“Mom! We have to get out of here!” Leopold shouted.

“No. Take these and run. I’m going in with my bare fists!” his mother declared.

She shoved the goedendag and sun shield into her son’s arms.

“Why? You’ll die if you fight unarmed!” Leopold said.

“Don’t underestimate your mother,” she replied.

Leopold’s mother charged into battle with her bare fists. She got her head cut off almost instantly.

Bet that traumatized the little shit! Hahahahahahaha!

With terror in his heart, Leopold ran as fast as he could. He saw that the paper castle was ablaze. The boy moved to the walls, got to the top of them, and kept running. Leopold fled until he reached a woods. Then, he watched as his village burnt to the ground. Soon enough, nothing was left but ash.

Over with Lord Richard, he was laughing on his horse.

“There’s no way the Chosen One could have survived that!” he declared.

“Are you fucking kidding me, Lord Richard? First, the Chosen One isn’t even from that village!” the horse pointed out. “Next, there are plenty of ways the Chosen One could have survived if he was here!”

“Don’t be such a downer, Fred. I’m sure the Chosen One is dead,” Lord Richard said.

“Or you’re too lazy to make sure he’s dead,” his horse replied.

“It’s probably that,” the evil overlord admitted. “Well, either way, it’s time for me to implement the next phase of my evil plan.”

“And that is?”

“Something vague and mysterious! Now, I’ll order my army to withdraw so we can begin it!”

Several hours later, Leopold stood in the ashes of his village. He collapsed to his knees, tears streaming from his eyes.

“I will find whoever did this,” he said. “And I will make them pay.”