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The Impeccable Adventure of the Reluctant Dungeon
(Book 3) 20. Gardeners, Betrayals, the Old Man No One New Anything About

(Book 3) 20. Gardeners, Betrayals, the Old Man No One New Anything About

Both in this world and Theo’s last, it was said that the notions of deities were incomprehensible to mere mortals. So far, that had been partially true. However, there were times in which the dungeon considered the allegedly all-powerful beings to be completely out of their minds.

“Agonia?!” the cluster of floating eyeballs asked.

Having her responsible for anything, let alone a town full of overzealous servants, nobles, and adventurers, was the worst thing that could happen. All it would take was for the abomination to get her clutches on a handful of people, for the entire kingdom to be transformed into a realm of obsessive collectors. Even the hero guild wouldn’t be able to handle that, not to mention that if, by some miracle, they did, Theo would be completely exposed and destroyed as a result.

“Goddess, are you sure that would be the best solution?” Spok conveyed Theo’s thoughts in a far more diplomatic manner. “She is an abomination, after all.”

“Just a minor nuisance,” the statue of Peris waved dismissively. “Her exploits were vastly over-exaggerated. She did do some damage, I admit, but that was because there were other things in play at the time that had divided everyone’s attention. Besides, since she was captured by Theo, she’s practically a minion. A minion to the both of you, I might add.”

The last made Spok view the situation in a new light. While she had no issue dealing with the now hundreds of daily tasks, both dungeon and personal, that were in her prevue, having a reliable assistant of her own was rather tempting. The dungeon was too chaotic, Cmyk—useless for the most part, and Switches had the temperament and moral fiber of a good-natured sack containing a herd of cats.

“Spok,” Theo said in a warning fashion as he noticed the lack of refusal on her part. “There’s no way I’m going through another cursed letter situation.”

“I’m aware of what transpired, sir,” the spirit guide replied. “But if the goddess believes that’s the best solution to our current issue, it would only be practical that we hear her out.”

A few people in and around Peris’ cathedral could almost swear that they saw the stained-glass windows of the building narrow a bit, as if attempting a squint.

“You just want a maid, don’t you?”

“That isn’t at all the case,” Spok lied with a perfectly straight face. “And even if I did, there wouldn’t be anything wrong with that. Switches has his own assistant, and he’s been in your employ for a fraction of the time I have.”

The dozens of thoughts that the dungeon was about to voice vanished in a puff of smoke. There was no way to deny her statement. She had been assisting him since his rebirth, and done more than her share of tasks. Originally, spirit guides were only supposed to advise their dungeons. It was Theo that had delegated all his responsibilities to her, granting her autonomy and a functional avatar to do so. If he were a company, one might say that she had obtained the position of president, while the CEO was constantly out and about dealing with completely different matters.

“What if she tries to affect me?” he asked, cracking the door of discussions open. “Spok, are you sure you want us to experiment so close to your wedding? The guests will start coming tomorrow.”

“I believe it’s an acceptable risk, given the overall state of your surface plants,” the spirit guide said unapologetically. “And I have full confidence in the goddess. Being the one to officiate the wedding, I’m certain that she won’t do anything to place the ceremony at risk.”

You’ve really been spending too much time with Rosewind, Theo thought.

“Very well,” he said reluctantly. “But you’ll owe me one,” the eyeballs said in vague fashion, making it unclear whether they were addressing Spok, Peris, or both. “Just one thing, though. Why do you think that Agonia will be any good as a gardener?”

“Oh, didn’t I tell you her origin?” the statue asked casually.

“I know,” Theo grumbled. “Abomination of obsessive collecting.”

“No, no, no. That’s her nature. She came into being as a result of unrequited love.”

Never in a thousand years would Theo have guessed anything of the sort. Thinking about it, it made some sort of twisted sense. Wanting someone could lead to obsession, and if the abomination was lacking a specific target, it would have latched on to anything, creating a being solely obsessed with obtaining things—obtaining one’s desires as one might say.

“There was a time when she was called “Blood Rose” and, in a way, served as a reminder to why deities and mortals shouldn’t mix,” Peris continued.

“Abominations are the result of sex between mortals and—” the dungeon began.

“Of course not!” Peris didn’t let him finish. “Emotions alone are lethal. The abomination was caused by the tears of a god when he became aware that he’d fallen in love. Normally, that’s not supposed to happen, but every now and again there’s a special type of person that appears in the world. A hero, a mage, someone blessed by the fate of the universe. Mostly the first two.”

If the dungeon could cross his arms, he could, but his avatar was too far away, and he didn’t want to disturb the city again in case there was a more violent reaction on his part coming up.

“Agnia was born out of his tears,” the statue continued. “I wasn’t there in person, but from what I remember, it was said that a rain of tears fell near the heroine’s house, sprouting into blood roses. When she died, decades later, all the crimson rose petals melted away, transforming into blood droplets that seeped into the ground. The agony of love.” The statue sighed. “Some considered it rather romantic.”

“That must have been before she started corrupting people with collecting tendencies,” the floating eyeballs grumbled. “Well, it’s your call Spok. If this goes wrong, we won’t have to go through a city cleanup. We’ll have to move somewhere far, far away.”

There was a slight pause.

“I understand, sir,” Spok said with a curt nod. “Thank you for caring. What do we need to do, goddess?” She turned to the statue.

Although unsurprising, her reaction wasn’t what Theo hoped would follow. Confirming he had enough energy and core points to respond should anything go wrong.

“It’s Theo’s spell,” the statue stated. “All he must do is undo it. Simple.”

The cathedral altar opened up, revealing an ice cube with a single drop of blood inside. To the casual observer, this would seem no different than a cocktail curiosity. Having faced the entity before, Theo surrounded the cube with a series of aether spheres. Only then did he concentrate on breaking his memory spell.

Unlike what his avatar was going through in Gregord’s tower, disenchanting one’s own spell was ominously easy. A moment’s thought was all it took for the cube to lose its inner maze-like structure and melt away like a snowball in the sun. The blood drop fell to the bottom of the aether sphere, instantly doubling in size. For the next several seconds, the amount of red liquid consistently increased until a pool had formed. Strands of blood rose up, forming the outline of a human figure with a woman’s face. It was a very basic form, but for an entity created out of liquid, nothing more was needed.

Somewhat confused by her surroundings, the abomination looked around. Her abilities and the experience she had gathered throughout the years told her that she was in a divine temple, in the presence of a goddess and another powerful entity she couldn’t quite determine. She also sensed the faint presence of a dungeon coming from somewhere, though she remained incapable of pinpointing it.

“What now?” Theo asked.

“Form a contract with her,” the statue of the goddess shrugged. “I thought that would be obvious.”

Obvious, my walls, Theo grumbled internally.

“Agonia,” he said in a whole octave deeper than it normally was. “Do you remember me?”

“Baron Theodor, the dungeon,” the abomination said without fear or hesitation.

“Close enough. Just so you know, if you try anything funny, I’ll put you back in the ice cube for all eternity.”

“What do you want me to assist with?” the abomination asked.

The question caused the dungeon to pause. He was expecting defiance, groveling, or some long-winded explanation. Switches had done it, and he had been corrupted by a demon lord heart. The abomination, on the other hand, seemed to lack any emotion, but rather was asking like a bureaucrat near the end of a very long day.

“Why are you so sure I need assistance?” Theo asked on instinct.

“When the necromancers contacted me in my previous prison, they demanded unlimited power. I granted it to them. You freed me from my second prison after defeating me, so you must need assistance as well.”

“He wishes to form a contract with you.” Spok took the initiative. “I understand your power is limited,” she adjusted her glasses, “but you have everything needed to take on an important and fulfilling role.”

There were several words that the abomination didn’t know the precise meaning of, but she could feel the intrigue held within the offer.

“What are you?” her face floated along the crimson blood silhouette, looking at Spok.

“I’m the spirit guide of the dungeon that captured you,” Spok said, keeping her calm. “And the one you’ll work under once the contract is complete.”

“Spirit guide? Spirit guides don’t have avatars.”

“I’m a unique spirit guide of a very unique dungeon.”

Despite everything that had been and was taking place, Theo couldn’t help but feel flattered.

Damned right, he thought.

“Your dungeon gave you an avatar?” Agonia asked.

“Indeed. As I told you he’s unique.”

“Yes, I suppose so. I remember that his obsessions were… strange…”

“So,” Theo quickly returned to the conversation. “Here’s my offer. If you willingly enter into a contract, you’ll be made my official gardener, working under Spok. You’ll have your own avatar, if you wish, but you must do a good job maintaining the plants within the city. At no point are you to corrupt anything or anyone, even the really annoying people. You’re also not to discuss your nature, my nature, Spok’s nature, or—”

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“A gardener?” Agonia asked.

“Err, yes. A gardener.”

“What is a gardener?”

The question caused some confusion. It was as if the abomination was a type of Schrodinger’s entity. Back during their fight, she had shown great knowledge in terms of people, cities, countries, and whatnot. And yet, she claimed not to know what a gardener was? Could it be that part of her memories had been destroyed by Liandra’s heroic strike?

“You’ll be taking care of plants,” Spok explained. “Grass, trees, flowers…”

“I remember flowers,” Agonia said. “A long time ago. I wanted every single one to be perfect, but they weren’t.”

“See?” the statue of Peris asked with a smile. “What did I tell you? She’ll be absolutely perfect.”

Having doubts on the matter was an understatement. In his mind, Theo could picture the entity turning into a quiet maid who tended every blade of grass with care and pierced anyone who stepped on it with hundreds of blood tendrils.

“I don’t think this will work.” The floating eyeballs moved away from the aether spheres containing Agonia. “I’ll ask for a mage. That should do in the short term.”

“I’ll make a contract,” the abomination told Spok.

“I said no and that’s—” Theo began.

CONGRATULATIONS!

Agonia, Abomination of Fulfillment, has entered into a contract with you!

The abomination is now a high-level minion in your care.

“—final,” he finished the sentence, a moment too late. “You gotta be kidding!” The city trembled. “Doesn’t she need to go through a ritual or something?”

“Being a goddess, I can cut through the bureaucracy,” the statue of Peris said. “It’s mostly ceremonial, anyway. No need to thank me.”

Theo had no intention of doing so. This was as far from an ideal outcome as one could imagine. Sadly, there was a whole host of other less ideal things that had the potential of occurring, especially to his avatar. Apparently, the most desperate a mage became, the more destructive the level of their spells grew.

Elaine Windchild and Stachon had gone all out in their efforts to take him down. The fact that it was supposed to be a three-versus-three battle didn’t make things any easier in the least. Theo had never expected paper magic and wind magic to complement each other so well. Unfortunately for him, his opponents had already come to that conclusion. It didn’t help that the wind butterfly was a monster in its own right, to the point that Auggy had to focus all his effort on countering it.

“Careful!” Ellis shouted from the avatar’s shoulder.

The cat and Theo had also formed a team in an attempt to counter the destructive combination of the ebony elf and Elaine. Sadly, their particular types of magic didn’t combine as well.

A swarm of paper swallows burst into confetti, which were sped up by a gust of wind from Elain straight at the baron. Aether bubbles shattered one after the other, incapable of withstanding the ferocity of the attack. Ellis had barely managed to cast a portal to consume a large part of them, but her main priority had been to protect herself, leaving large parts of the dungeon’s avatar exposed.

Had he been human, the flesh on both his legs and part of his torso would have been scraped off to the bone. Thankfully, all the annoying papercuts did was to consume a small amount of energy from his main body, without even leaving a mark.

“Your regeneration spell is getting annoying!” Elaine Windchild shouted, throwing a net of air currents straight at him.

A massive ice shield emerged in front of the avatar, only to be cut up into perfectly uniform fragments. It was outright terrifying watching a chunk of ice thicker than the avatar was wide get rendered useless in real time. In an outburst of genius—or desperation, depending on the point of view—Theo used a combination of flight and telekinesis to propel all the fragments forward. Like a violent hailstorm, they darted at Elaine, catching her completely by surprise. The mage was so focused on all-out attacks that she had never considered that her opponent could do the same. The wind currents under her control sliced up the ice fragments into even smaller bits, but that only made the situation worse. Thousands of minute ice shards slammed into her, shattering any aether barriers she managed to cast. A moment later, her entire form was surrounded by a layer of yellow light, causing her to disappear altogether.

“Good thinking,” the old mage said from a distance away. He was still battling the air butterfly, which didn’t seem at all concerned about the disappearance of her creator.

Theo didn’t have long to celebrate, however. Seeing that the other attacking force had vanished, the ebony elf summoned an even greater number of paper creatures, creating an ever-moving protective sphere of paper around him.

Magic circles of various colors emerged around the avatar, yet there were more than enough gaps for any paper swarm attacks to ignore them.

“Celenia,” the elf shouted. “I’ll give you time to cast long term spells.”

“What about the old man?” the blonde asked.

“He’s pragmatic. When we cast out Theo from the tower, he’ll change sides again.”

An ominous thought, yet the dungeon had to admit that it rang true. For all his jokes and occasional advice, Auggy had changed sides once, which meant he could do it again when it was in his best interest. The only way for Theo to prevent it was to win the fight and defeat his opponents first.

“Holy fireballs!” he shouted, launching a multitude of spells in the elf’s direction. It wasn’t only sphered fireballs that flew forward, but ice chunks, aether daggers, and low-level zaps.

Fire engulfed half the chamber. Sadly, while visually impressive, the layers of paper summons prevented any actual damage from reaching the elf. Through a combination of paper and aether shields, the mage kept retreating, keeping the force of explosions at bay. The avatar’s other spells proved more of a challenge. A few ice shards even struck the elf’s shoulder. Paper insects immediately covered the wound, making it difficult to tell how deep it was.

“Hey!” Ellis said. “You don’t have to hurt him.”

“What?!” the avatar asked as he kept on filling aether spheres with fireballs. “He’s out to kill us.”

“Yeah, but he’s cute.”

There were many things that came to mind, but Theo didn’t voice any of them. It was bad enough watching Spok discuss Agonia’s responsibilities with her back in Rosewind. There simply were days, or hours, when the best solution was to ignore everything and pretend it never happened.

Right now, the main focus was on the paper elf. More annoying than anything was the mage’s way of fighting. He wasn’t overly powerful or destructive as the other ones had been. His fights were won entirely based on the principle of a thousand cuts. Up to this point, he had maintained a slight but consistent drain on the dungeon’s energy, occasionally summoning larger paper creatures as a form of distraction.

“Any time you’d like to lend a hand, old man,” the avatar shouted as he kept casting explosions to counter the waves of paper.

“Elementals are rather annoying, as you know,” Auggy shouted back, slamming the air butterfly with his staff.

The weapon didn’t harm the creature, but the magic it emitted managed to push the air currents that composed it back, launching it into the wall behind. A large impression in the form of a butterfly was created. There was no sign of the creature, of course. But to those with aether vision and a trained eye, it was perfectly obvious that it was there, gently peeling itself off the stone.

“It won’t give up until its owner is dead or says otherwise,” the old mage added.

“You seriously think that Elaine is that petty?”

“Doubtful, if she could remember casting the spell to begin with. Everything that happens in the tower stays in the tower, remember?”

That was a rather interesting loophole that didn’t at all work in Theo’s favor. The fact that the elemental was still there suggested that Elaine Windchild was alive somewhere outside the tower. Yet, since she was outside the tower, she had lost all her memories of the challenge except for the spells she had won. That meant that the butterfly was stuck with the last command given to her, which was to kill Theo and anyone who interfered.

A shoal of paper piranhas ate their way through the avatar’s barriers, devouring several of Ellis’s magic circles in the process. Half a dozen went straight for the cat, but were instantly slashed to ribbons by one of the avatar’s aether daggers. Unfortunately, several dozen more had successfully sunk their teeth into the baron himself.

That was ridiculous. Back in his previous life, Theo had a similar view of bureaucrats. Somehow, they always managed to use their creativity to strangle anyone with paper, metaphorically. The ebony elf was the living embodiment of that. If the avatar squinted, he could almost see hundreds of tax forms attack him in vicious ways.

“There’s no way you’ll keep up with my mana,” the avatar shouted, casting several unenveloped fireballs to remove the piranhas on him. “Just give up now.”

“I think not, Baron,” the other replied. “You’re a strong opponent, but in nature it isn’t the strongest that win, but those who are best at adapting.”

“What does that have to do with all this?! There’s nothing natural in anything we’re doing!”

Just as he finished the sentence, a bright purple light filled the chamber, shining through all the layers of paper creatures. Its source was somewhere behind the ebony elf. Initially, Theo thought that the old man might have finally gone on the attack. Sadly, a quick glance to the side revealed the source of the new spell to be someone else completely.

“Damn it!” Using his ultra swiftness spell, the avatar wrapped Ellis in an indestructible aether sphere, then propelled her towards the chamber ceiling with such force that the aether bubble got half buried into the stone.

A split second later, a massive beam of purple light burned through all the paper creatures, striking the avatar in the chest. Celenia had completed her spell, and it was a powerful one indeed.

Back in the dungeon’s main body, a third of all his energy reserves were exhausted just to keep the integrity of its avatar. Any human, golem, or even demon would have been evaporated on the spot, let alone cast out of the tower. A few days ago, Theo would have as well. It was only thanks to the energy he had obtained from the Feline Tower’s mana gem that he had replenished his reserves to the point where he could withstand this.

The mages were no longer playing. This wasn’t merely a lethal spell, it was a city destroying spell. The avatar narrowed his eyes. If his opponents had reached the point that they were using spells of such magnitude, only a fool would hold back.

Without hesitation, Theo cast another ultra swiftness spell. Time stopped, allowing him to see the situation in detail. The spell had indeed been cast by Cecilia. The blonde mage was on the floor, her staff extended in the avatar’s direction. The ebony elf had also been caught slightly off guard, for he was in the process of looking over his shoulder on reflex. At the same time, the vast tunnel within his defensive layers remained. Some of the paper summons had begun moving to close it, but it was going to take them a few seconds at least.

So, you want to act big? Theo thought. Let’s act big!

He cast the most destructive combination of spells he was capable of.

As time resumed, the entire body of the elf was encapsulated in a large cube of ice. Yet, this wasn’t just any cube—thousands of small corridors and staircases were created within, trapping the mage in Theo’s variant of the Memoria’s tomb spell. A split second later, the elf vanished.

All the paper entities burst into confetti, when then lifelessly began their slow descent to the floor. It was a rather suitable way to mark the avatar’s victory. Now that the heavy lifting was over, it felt rather satisfying. Only one member of the opposing team remained, and she was in no condition to cast any more spells in the immediate future.

Being in a stingy mood, Theo decided not to waste another Memoria spell on Celenia, but resorted to a less powerful, but just as lethal, multitude of ice shards he launched her way. The lethal chunks split the air when they were unexpectedly struck by a wave of wind from the side, causing them to miss the blonde mage by five feet.

“There’s no need for that,” Auggy said, holding his battle staff with both hands. “We’ve won.”

“Huh? She’s our enemy!” Theo shouted. “That spell was meant to kill me!”

“Ho, ho, ho,” the old mage laughed. “You look fine to me. More importantly, we need her for the sixth-floor challenge. It’s impossible to complete with three alone.”

Theo didn’t know how to think about that. He honestly wanted to cast Celenia out of the tower for what she had tried to do. At the same time, the old man knew a lot more about the challenges than anyone else.

“I know I told you not to trust anyone, but trust me on this. You can easily kill her, but your trip will end here. All of us will end up stuck.”

“Alright, Auggy, but you’ll have to tell me how you know so much about the trials.” The avatar pointed at him.

“Deal.” The old man started his way towards Celenia. “Girl, just say that you surrender.”

The blonde woman looked at him in utter disbelief.

“I surrender?” she said, uncertain what that would do.

The moment she did, the center of the chamber’s ceiling opened up. A winding staircase descended, making its way all the way to the floor. There could no longer be any doubt—the trial of the fifth floor had been completed.

Everyone remained still and speechless. Even Ellis brought through her sphere, once it had lost its indestructibility, and floated down.

“Let me get this straight,” the avatar began. “If everyone had just said they surrendered, we could all have gone to the sixth floor?”

“Funny, isn’t it?” The old mage unsummoned his battle sphere. “I’ve no idea whether Gregord planned it this way, or it’s just an oversight on his part, but those are the conditions: one group must win. Well, as you can see, one group did win.”

“You could have said that before the fight!”

“And you think anyone would have believed me?” the old man shook his head. “Everyone was free to surrender at any point, but no one did. Even this one,” he glanced at Celenia, “only did so when defeat was obvious. Anyway, what’s done is done. We’ve completed the trial and are free to continue to the next floor. That is, after you’ve taken care of another important matter.”

“Oh?” The avatar crossed his arms. “And what might that be?”

“Summon a new set of clothes. Or do you intend on continuing the trials completely naked?”