I usually don't remember my childhood very well, But I always felt that I lost something from that time.Feeling like you've lost something important.
An empty space that you know is very important but you don't remember what it is...
I was born in an ordinary family in the slums of the city. My mother and father had to work all day to keep a roof over our heads. It wasn't easy, but it felt good...
Despite the difficulties, everything was still good As long as,The war has begun...
A lot of advertising was done during recruitment. Discovering a new world, Lionheart Heroes, Defenders of the homeland...
With all these advertisements, And also the promise of a great reward, And many stories about adventurers in other continents, Many people volunteered...
Their eyes were blinded by the bright light of wealth and fame ahead
And they had forgotten the darkness of the world...
They did not know anything about the cruelty of war...
I remember the day of my eighth birthday when everything changed...
Some officers in military uniform, And a fat middle-aged man with a flattering smile, As if this smile is hacked on his face and there is no other expression on his face.They were behind the door of our house...
At that time, I still didn't understand what happened, Neighbors gathered.
My mother was crying, middle-aged man with an impassioned speech
And a look as if he was the one who sacrificed his life, he drew attentions to himself...
I until the end of the day of my father's funeral Or what was left of him, I had not yet realized the disaster But, I felt sad because of my mother's sadness...
...
After my father's death, My mother did not fail, but worked even harder With my father's pension, which was given to us until I was an adult
could not be rich or even average But it was enough to have a roof above your head, Don't be hungry and naked. But my mother did not want me to remain stuck in the hard life of the lower class.
That's why he worked even more than before, He worked several shifts,
morning, noon and night, So that I can study and prepare for the academy exam.
Even though I was rejected by my peers, I did my best, I studied hard, And finally I was accepted into the academy...
That time was the peak of my life, The joy of reaching a result after a lot of difficulty, making my mother happy, A future that is not dark anymore And most importantly, tasting the taste of love...
I thought ,My time has finally come. The light that is the proof of a bright future has sent me its kiss, But that light was like a sentence from the eastern continent:
I thought I saw the light, But who would have thought that it was just a passing shine on a hard stone...
to be accepte, Despite the hard work,There was still a difference between an ordinary and a real talent...
That's why it took several years to get accepted to the entrance of the academy And when I came in, I already reached the age when we were not given a pension, In addition, my mother became weak due to high work pressure and could no longer work, So I started to work.
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When I started working, I could no longer maintain my previous routine of grades, just like heroes after failure, I was attacked by repressed jealousy after showing weakness...
As if misfortunes do not take their turn, rumors of my bad luck also spread to the academy.
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"In addition to being poor, you are also infelicitous"
""You don't deserve to be here, get lost""
«Why are you alive? ...»
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The mockery and humiliation multiplied, from verbal taunts to increase accidental encounters, With all the problems, when there is someone you love, Just knowing his presence, It gives you enough strength to continue...
Haha, very naive...
I finished the academy with all the difficulties and stones, but due to problems such as lack of talent, too much work, rejection, etc., my grades were not good.
When someone graduates from the academy with low grades and there is no relationship to ease the way, where you send the job application, they send someone to the academy and where you live to inquire about you...
And what geting answers To research about unlucky star...
Not finding a good job, time was filled with more shifts, work, work and work...
Humans are strange, aren't they? When they are always miserable, they only occasionally grumble, But when they have seen a manifestation of the burning light of hope...
After they realize, they only saw a mirage, break, crumble, crushed, They become some pieces, That even if they achieve something more than they expected, they will not be reunited.
Despite all these signs, I was not yet awake. The world had tried again and again to remind me But my eyes still saw the light, Maybe the light of hope no longer existed But there was still a brighter light that only I could see...
His smile was like a cool breeze, that blows in the summer heat And it gives the feeling that this breeze is worth all the heat of the day...
The beginning of my acquaintance with Lilia dates back to the time when I passed the academy entrance exam. She was different from the other girls.
kind, considerate, sweet, As if the whole world was just her, and I ...
Many people despise this issue And they always consider themselves with a different reaction, I was like this even before...
I thought that if someone comes to me when I'm successful, but there is no trace of that person in my difficult time, I'm just being polite, but I don't really care...
Everyone says Ice cream on the cake is sweet But it doesn't mean much, But I had never eaten ice cream before And this was the first time in my life, That I felt the taste Sweet, cool And full of pleasure like this...
I fell in love, she became the final light at the end of the dark tunnel instead of the icing on the cake, the reward I deserved after so much hard work, or so I thought ...
The love that still gave me its shining light when I lost the light of hope, became the last blow to the four legs of the condemned man...
After that incident, suddenly all the words that bothered me in the past and I was running away from them turned into truths that were an exact description of me...
I'm unlucky, I am ominous, no matter how hard i try I sink more into the swamp, The world tried to tell me many times, but I was delusional...
My father joined the army for a better future for me...
My mother worked several shifts for me And he put too much pressure on his body...
Lilia... I, Lilia deserve... maybe, maybe I didn't deserve her...
...
What is the point of my life? ...
What is the use of life for me? This is the life they say, Is it really worth a damn...
If it wasn't for me, my parents would live happily together. Heh, the sooner I disappeared, like the famous saying, there is always a benefit in preventing harm, they could still take less damage...
Even now, if I am not there, the pension will continue, my mother no longer has an adult son to support her, so the pension will return...
A ridiculous excuse, but at that time I just needed a reason, no matter if it was true or not...
...
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I made my decision...
I felt as if I had never really done something useful like now...
Heh, selfish fool who doesn't think about anything before and after his work...
I didn't want to make my mother more upset. But leaving without saying goodbye was a bit painful, Out of selfishness, I wrote the last letter, full of dark words, desperate, explaining my reasons Without even a hint of apology for doing what I set out to do, I left it...
I was really a s****...
After that I just went to a high place and...
I jumped...
At the beginning, I still had a little smile of happiness and relief on my face when I was falling, without even thinking about the consequences after my death until I reached half the height of the high place, then an image flashed in my mind...
My mother's smile...
When I was a child...after my father died...
After she came back from several shifts, despite being tired, she was still worried about me during the day...
The smile after my success in the exam, the smile after my repeated failures in finding a job, the smile to calm me down, the great concern for my health despite the fatigue of several hard shifts...
Pulling a blanket over my head...
The unfair distribution of food in my favor despite her constant hard work ...
Happiness is when I am happy, sadness is when I am unhappy...
Time passed more slowly after that image...
smile...smile...smile and smile...
After an unknown period of time in my mind and a few moments in reality,
My head is filled with pleasant pictures of smiles, The void in my heart was filled with something I had forgotten...
Will to live...
In the past, I always tried hard, but I didn't feel like I wanted to live.
It was just hope, the desire to have hope, heh, hope... actually working hard all the time just clinging to the only thing I could do, it was hard to escape from reality...
"I don't want to die..."
"No !!... No !!! ..."
"Please... help!" ..."
"Noooooooo!!!"
Help didn't come like all the other times, this time it didn't come either and I left without saying the word sorry...
I continued to hurt him even after my death...
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