Savain Yelenta: I hate myself.

I hate myself. I really hate myself.

I ran along the rocky mountain tops, blasted through the grand valleys, and quickly ran around the dense forests as I slid to a halt in front of Emmie’s house. The surrounding corn fields had withered away in the presence of autumn and the soil sat quietly and lifelessly as it seemed to give off a sad and depressing haze. Emmie’s house was still as run down as ever but it looked lifeless—way more lifeless than it had ever looked before. It wasn’t good for me to spend so much time in Taegan since the entire country was actively looking to kill me the second I showed myself. Luckily, Taegan military plans were pretty easy to find once you made a high-speed-sweep through their military camps. Taking out their soldiers in the lower legions was also a pretty easy task. Anyoneunder the fifth legion was a walk in the park but the fights were still messy. In order to avoid any trouble I needed to do everything quickly and efficiently and not get spotted by anyone. I couldn’t waste anymore time….

But this was important.

I needed to explain myself to Emmie—I needed to show her that I was still here. I needed to talk to her and get her to hear me out and I needed to see her. I really needed to see her….

My heartbeat quickened, my mind went fuzzy, my palms started to sweat, and my hands started to shake. What do I even say to her? How do I justify myself? What do I even start with? I took a deep breath and slowly inched closer to the house, “Emmie! Emmie? Are you home? Can you—can you talk? I really need to talk to you right now. I know you’ve probably heard some stuff about me lately but I can explain. I just need you to really hear me out—I need you to trust me. Please, come out.” I looked towards the lifeless house as the wind gently blew through its cracks and shattered windows. Dead silence enveloped itself around the entire house and the surrounding field before someone slowly walked out from behind the house.

My soul sank to the deepest pits of my existence as I felt my entire body freeze from shock. A million different emotions all crashed into each other and created a monstrous sensation of confusion, anger, and dread in my heart as Geon Leventen stood before me. Red electricity flickered off of my body and I started to dash towards him before he put up his hand. “Wait.” I stopped in my tracks and bore my red-hot, glowing eyes into his soul as he wore a calm, cool, and collected expression on his face. His eyes had no emotion in them, his expression was lifeless and cold, and his voice was just as lifeless as his face. More electricity flicked off of my body,

“Why? Why the fuck are you here? What did you do to Emmie? She’s innocent in all of this. You didn’t need to take her and punish her. Give her back or else I’ll fucking kill your—“

“She’s not taken. I didn’t bring her in or anything like that. She’s been evacuated since your jolly old friends are said to be invading us sometime soon.” He didn’t have his guard up and he wasn’t ready for an attack. Either he was confident I wasn’t going to attack or he had something up his sleeve. I looked at his chest and saw a small scar running down his collar bone. I scanned his body, his face, his eyes, his arms, and his legs and something seemed to be off. He wasn’t standing how he usually did and he wasn’t as relaxed as he usually was. It was almost like he was tense…..

A light suddenly went off in my head.

“You’re injured. I don’t know how or who injured you but you're hurt. Why are you here then—to kill me? I know you're strong but you don’t think you can kill me when you're hurt, do you?” He scoffed,

“Actually yeah I’m here to kill you. It’s direct orders under our government—“

“Not ours—yours. I know that’ll be a hard adjustment for you to make.” Geon looked at me with cold and unforgiving eyes,

“Not ours? It was all a lie right? All of the memories we shared, all of the conversations we had, all of the moments that we experienced—they were just you acting right? You were a pretty good actor—you fooled all of us.” I clenched my fists,

“It’s nothing personal. I needed to do my job and I did my job pretty well. The timing of whatever happened at the tournament worked out pretty well because that whole fiasco gave us what we needed to finally kick off this whole thing.” He looked at me with confusion,

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“What do you mean timing? You did it—you destroyed the pipes under the arena. You caused the explosion.” I returned his confused stare,

“What? Why the fuck would I do that? I nearly died there too. Is that what you’re saying? Is that your justification for this war? We all know Taegan secretly attacked Evian and even hid Evay’s death to shift the blame to them and avoid detection. The summit meeting proved that.” Geon stared at me in silence. I readied myself to attack and continued speaking, “I’m not one of you, Geon. I never was and I never will be. Whoever you think you knew and whoever you think you spent time with was fake. It was all fucking fake!” I felt my anger rise and my heartbeat race, “DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY YEARS I SPENT LIVING AMONG YOUR PEOPLE AND ACTING LIKE I WAS HAPPY. I WAS THROWN HERE WHEN I WAS FIVE AND HAD TO PRETEND TO LIKE YOU GUYS, TO WORK WITH YOU GUYS, TO BE WITH YOU GUYS FOR TEN FUCKING YEARS! I NEVER WANTED TO BE HERE—I NEVER WANTED TO BE WITH YOU ALL. SO LET ME DO WHAT I WANT—YOU CAN’T CHANGE MY MIND.” My chest heaved up and down and my eyes bore angrily into Geon’s soul. He stood there calmly and spoke in a cold and and emotionless voice,

“I don’t think that’s true. You never wanted to be with us? You never actually liked us? I don’t think that’s true at all. I know when someone is lying or telling the truth because very few people have ever told me the truth about anything that they have ever said to me. I know you’re not a good actor, Savian—it’s one of your biggest flaws. You may be a good lair but you're not a good actor—your emotions always tell the real truth. You liked it here, Savian, you still believe we’re you’re people.” My heart exploded with rage and my eyes flashed a violent shade of red,

“Shut the fuck up…shut up…shut up….shut up…..SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Geon kept speaking,

“You trained everyday with Aurora after team meetings to perfect lunar lighting. I saw you laugh with her, train with her, and talk with her. You got to know a lot about her during those practices right? Were those laughs, those conversations, those moments a lie?”

“Shut up..”

“You always volunteered blood and cell samples for Lila’s tests even if she didn’t ask for them. You always helped her out with moving liquor equipment and even ran to get her coffee and snacks during late night training sessions. She helped you out with stuff regarding Emmie and she helped you open up your feelings, right? I saw how you changed with her and her help—was all that fake too?”

“Geon, shut the fuck—“

“You always took a weird liking to Evay. Maybe it’s because he was younger than us or he was less experienced than us, but you always looked out for him. You heard him out when he spoke to you, you gave him advice before matches, and you always had his back during fights. I know you related to him personally on some level right? Was that fake too?”

I clenched my fists so that my palms bled and glared into Geon’s eyes, “Stop talking.”

“You never liked me. I could tell. I never liked you either and I’m sure you could tell. We fought and we hated each other and we were never great friends but I also respected you. For the things you went through, for the things you accomplished, and for the fact that you managed to respect us and work with us even if you were forced to join our team. Looking back, if I would’ve had to join your team I don’t know if I could've managed to acclimate like you. I remember the first time you made a joke—before we met Yudra. It was nice seeing that you were a normal guy who liked taking strolls in marketplaces with his friends. That’s not you though? That’s a lie too?”

I waited, “Are you done? Do you think you’re going to change my mind?” Geon shrugged,

“Nah. You’ll lie about us. Not about Emmie though, right?” My heart sank. Geon raised his eyebrows, “Oh? Did I hit a nerve? You were with Emmie for nearly ten years right? You cared for her, loved her, you were always there for her, and you devoted yourself to her. The hundreds of conversations you had, the tender moments, the endless amounts of memories and moments you guys share—that was all a lie too? You told me that you loved her—that she’s your girlfriend and the only one that you care about—that was a lie?” My entire body felt glued to the ground as the weight of galaxies and universes seemed to rest on my shoulders. My mind went numb, my heart sank, and my chest started to hurt. My breathing quickened, my chest rose up and down rapidly, my heartbeats rang out into the air, I felt like I couldn’t think straight, my body froze, and pain seeped through my very being. Geon looked at me with caution, “Panic attack? What’s your answer?” I felt like my chest was going to explode as I remembered the words of Jem.

Forget her.

Emmie was part of my life here. I didn’t need this life anymore. I wasn’t here for this anymore. This wasn’t me, this wasn’t who I was meant to be, and this life was exactly the thing I was fighting against now. I needed to let go, I needed to forget, I needed to wash it all away because nothing here mattered anymore. I pried my lips open and moved against the weight of all my being as I forced the words to come out, “Yes, yes ... .yes. It was all a lie. Even—even—even…” I looked Geon in the eyes, “Even her.” Geon didn’t take his eyes off of me as he spoke loudly,

“Emmie, come out.” I felt something inside my heart snap as Emmie came out from behind her house. Her hair was a mess, her clothes were wrinkled and dirty, her face was covered with old paint, and her eyes were red and bloodshot from crying. Fresh tears rolled down her face as she stared into my eyes with shock, hatred, hurt, and despair. She spoke in a voice so quiet that I could barely hear it,

“You—you—you told the truth….. You—you really meant that.” I reached out to her weakly,

“No I didn’t mean it—“

She screamed in a hurt and angry voice, “YOU—YOU LIED TO ME? I SPENT TEN YEARS WITH YOU! I LIKED YOU, I PAINTED FOR YOU! YOU ALWAYS CAME TO ME FOR COMFORT AND SUPPORT BUT ALL OF THAT WAS A LIE I’VE BEEN WASTING AWAY AFTER HEARING THAT YOU RAN AWAY FROM US AND BETRAYED US BUT NOW I KNOW IT'S TRUE!” I felt my legs turn to jelly. “YOU LIAR!” Tears came streaming down her face as she charged towards me angrily. Geon held her back as she screamed and shouted and let out angry cries of sadness and rage. I looked at her messy, red, puffy, tear filled face and felt everything around me go dark. Nothing mattered anymore—not war, not missions, not my country, and not Taegan. Nothing mattered… nothing mattered. Geon gently shifted Emmie aside and looked at me with cold eyes,

“Fuck you, you fucking traitor.” He blasted off of the ground and grabbed me as he propelled us into the sky.