Spring 4995, 12 Buromoth

Alena watched Shon over the two days it took them to return to the dead town. She didn't try to get him to talk, and as such, he spoke not a word for the entire two days. He hardly ate either. Oh, he took the plate offered him at mealtimes, but he fed almost all of it to Ryuuko and even Neg. No one else seemed to notice.

Why had he argued against bringing everyone to the next destination? Was he just in a hurry to get this part of their job done so they could start hunting in earnest? Alena doubted it, and her gut told her that something was very, very wrong here. Was it just the meeting with Pia? Ebonwing had told her what Shon had said about not liking the girl on an instinctual level. And Alena could feel the animosity from both of them in their short meeting. She didn't know, so she watched. And prayed.

They left their mounts in the town, Tristen giving instructions to have his Warhorse gated separately to a different city in Clearhelm, Smilnda, their second destination, where they would travel north to the only other Warlock tower the kingdom knew of.

The team walked together through the gate to their first stop, the capital, Tarorn.

Mostly.

Shon lagged behind again, but when Tristen gestured for him, he lifted his chin and stepped through with the rest.

After checking in with the gate receptionist, but before they could check out with the proper Guild receptionist, Ranito paused in the atrium and announced, "I'm staying here. I have notes and colleagues I can review and question about the incident here."

Ebonwing snapped her fingers and wiggled one at Ranito, "Oh yeah, you did say that you knew the Firewoman when she first came free. So you were here when they were investigating the Warlocks, old man?"

Ranito huffed, turning his nose up at the 'old man' moniker.

Tristen nodded, "Very well, Archmage. We can stay here for the night, please secure rooms. The rest of us will check in with the Temple of Saint Giorgos. I want us to stay together."

Oswall huffed, pulling out his prerolled smokes and smacking the pack in the heel of his other hand, "Afraid we might get into trouble, Tris?"

Ebonwing answered for him, "You? Get into trouble? Most certainly." she laughed and made to elbow Shon in the arm. The big man stepped out of range, but other than that, didn't react at all. Not even to roll his eyes or run his hand through his hair, which was hiding his eyes worse than usual.

Alena bit her lip in concern and glanced at Tristen, but the Paladin just shook his head at Ebonwing and Oswall's continued antics and opened the Mages Guild doors. Cold washed over them, and not just the chill of early spring; this felt like the dead of winter.

Oswall pulled his cloak tight and cursed, his unlit smoke dangling from his lips, "Horsa's mighty swinging balls, what the hells!?"

Ebonwing snickered, "Well, it is the far north..." though she too pulled her cloak closer. Even Tristen gave a little shiver, and Alena brought her hood up to keep her ears warm. Only Shon didn't respond. He wasn't even wearing a cloak. But he was an ice Sorcerer... that must be it.

They exited the Mage's guild and tried to follow the Temples' silhouettes above the rest of the buildings. But none of them had been to this city before, and as a capital, it was huge. "Maybe we should ask for directions..." Alena suggested.

"Or get a ride," Oswall said, pointing at a horse-drawn sled as it pulled past on the hard-packed snow.

"Ooooo," Alena clapped her hands, exclaiming, "I love sleds!"

"Why are they still using them in the spring?" Ebonwing asked.

Oswall opened his eyes wide at her and gestured around them to all the snow with an exaggerated sweeping motion, looking almost angry at the foolishness of her question.

Tristen coughed, "The snow won't start to melt until closer to the Spring Equinox."

"Ug," Ebonwing groaned, then grinned at Shon, "You must feel right at home, huh big guy?"

Shon didn't answer, his expression unchanged. But Ryuuko whistled. That was a good sign, wasn't it? They were soul bounded after all... It nuzzled Shon's cheek, and the man didn't brush it off. A good sign... Wasn't it?

Oswall pointed to a group of patrolling guards, "They should be able to point us down the fastest way," They even had a Paladin officer of Hengist with them.

"Excuse me!" Alena called, waving her hand to get the knight's attention. The man turned their way, and Shon finally responded. He stiffened and stepped behind Tristen.

The knight was a short man, and his smile was warm. He waved the enlisted to continue their patrols and took his helm off to greet them. "How might I help you, M'lady? Sir?" he nodded respectfully to Tristen in his Saint Giorgos uniform but then gasped, "Ryuuko?"

The little dragon whistled and flew to the knight of Hengist, circling the man and landing on his blond head to nuzzle down his cheek. "Hengist's holy sword, it is you, Ryuuko! So that must mean..." he searched their group and finally landed on Shon, far too big in the shoulders to hide behind even tall Tristen, "Shon!"

The Paladin rushed to Shon, who took a step back, lifting his hands before him to bow to the knight, preventing him from coming any closer. The Paladin didn't seem at all bothered by the motion and instead said, "Oh man, I haven't seen you in years! We were so worried. We came out, and you were gone..." He trailed off, his smile fading, "You... um... you look good," he tried to force his smile back on, but it looked strained. "Have you gotten bigger?"

Oswall blew out a billowing cloud of smoke and asked, "You know the Master Sergeant?"

The knight was studying Shon, who wasn't looking at any of them. "Master Sergeant... So you enlisted?" He turned his head to the rest and answered Oswall, "Shon and I trained together at Hamerfoss. He was the top of our class and the best friend anyone could ask for." Shon flinched at the praise and the knight turned back to Shon, speaking quietly, "We should get dinner... catch up, talk. I'm sure there's-"

But Shon squeezed his eyes shut, and the knight stopped talking.

And Alena knew. She glared at Tristen with the wrath of a thousand suns and hissed in a whisper, "You..." she growled, "You knew. How dare you. How dare you risk him like this."

Tristen flushed and cleared his throat to address Shon, "Master Sergeant, could you return to the Mages Guild and Archmage Ranito? Make sure he gets us our rooms..."

Shon saluted in silence and did a sharp about-face, walking away without so much as a word to the knight who had known him. Ryuuko gave the Paladin one last lick on the side of the head then took off to perch on the sword of its human. Its pommel a dark midnight blue streaked with transparent stripes, like a marble.

"What was that about?" Oswall asked, watching Shon's stiff back as he walked away, then turning to the Paladin who was looking at his boots and muttering a prayer. "You trained together? But wouldn't that mean..."

Ebonwing finished the thought, hugging herself under her cloak, "He was a Squire. A Squire of Hengist..." She, at least, would have an idea of what that meant.

The knight nodded and took a deep breath, turning back to the group and bowing once more. "My name is Sir Thom. Please tell him how sorry I am for ambushing him and causing him such distress. I was merely surprised..." He shook his head at Shon's still retreating back and continued to explain himself, "Shon and I were of the same year at Hamerfoss. We didn't know what happened to him..."

"How?" Ebonwing asked, "When did he leave training?"

"After our vigil... or... I suppose some time during it." Thom answered.

Alena and Ebonwing took in hissing breaths in unison, and Tristen looked away. Oswall looked between all of them in confusion, puffing on his smoke and waiting for more clear answers.

Thom shook his head and stared in the direction Shon had gone, though he had rounded a corner, "Shon was the top of our class, and even the class ahead of us. It was like he was born a Paladin and just needed to go through the motions. But then the vigil..."

Ebonwing flinched, and Alena rounded on Tristen again, "You knew! And it was here, wasn't it? Hamerfoss is the training facility here. That's why he didn't want to come, why he actually argued to split the team." Tristen still didn't look at any of them and just nodded.

"Cathbad's woody bush Tris!" Ebonwing actually punched him in the shoulder, "He experienced half a vigil, and you brought him back when he asked not to come? You know what this...? You know what he'll...?" she seemed incapable of voicing the inevitability they all knew.

Thom had gone pale and muttered another prayer shaking his head, "Shon wouldn't. He... he was the strongest of us. He knows. He..."

But the others ignored him. Tristen lifted his chin, saying, "He enlisted at the kingdom level. He knew he would be sent back here eventually, that he would have to serve all the provinces."

Alena clenched her fists. She couldn't remember ever being so angry, "So you send him to a pointless death on principle?"

"Death?" Oswall asked, finally frustrated, "What are you lot on about?"

"I'm going with him," Ebonwing said, "He shouldn't be alone." She stepped away from the group and, in a few breaths, transformed into a crow, winging into the air with Neg back towards the Mages Guild.

"Is someone going to explain to me what the fuck is going on?" Oswall asked, looking around at all of them and finally settling on Alena.

Alena took a deep, calming breath and spoke a prayer, then finally answered Oswall as best she could, "Shon was in training to be a Paladin of Hengist..." Oswall cursed, and Alena continued, "but he was denied. He stood a vigil, had his soul spread open, every fault and flaw made clear, but instead of having those cracks filled and healed by his god, he was... left that way."

"Shit..." Oswall breathed, flicking his smoke away without lighting a new one, "So that's why he's so quiet..."

Sir Thom managed a grin and shook his head, "He's always been quiet. It doesn't mean he's going to..."

But Alena interrupted him, "They all do, Sir knight, every one of them that's been denied... eventually..."

"What?" Oswall asked.

It was Tristen who finally answered the question Os had been looking for from the beginning, "Suicide, Staff Sergeant. All those denied during a vigil eventually kill themselves."

***

Numb. It was better to be numb than to feel. Shon walked back to the Mages Guild, alone in a strange city. But not for long. As he reached the steps leading to the tower's large double doors, two crows swooped down, and one of them changed into Ebonwing. He opened the door without acknowledging her.

"Shon!" she called to him, and he ignored her, going back into the Guild and presenting his papers to the receptionist yet again. Leaning over the receptionist's desk, an older Mage with boots beneath his robe and long dirty blond hair peppered with gray held back in a ponytail, made room for him.

Ebonwing reached for Shon's arm. He pulled it out of her reach, looking down at her and freezing her in place. Though he didn't glare. It took anger to glare, and he didn't feel angry, didn't feel anything. Numb.

"Oh, Shon..." her hand fell, and she looked at him with... What? Pity?

Don't do that... don't pity me, don't say you're sorry...

"Why didn't you tell us?" Ebonwing asked, "We would've argued with you. Convinced Tris to let you go to Oane like you asked."

Shon looked away from her and spoke to the receptionist, his voice a deep rasp after days of not being used, "We need rooms. We have orders from the king-"

"Shon... you can talk to me. I know how it-" Ebonwing started,

But Shon growled, "No, Druid, you don't. I'm fine."

"But-" She tried,

"We're on a mission, for once in your life, be professional." Shon snapped, then closed his eyes, numb damn it, bury the frustration... the hurt...

Ebonwing blanched under her dark skin, and the receptionist hurried to scribble something in his logbook. The ponytail Mage looked away, trying to ignore the public spat.

"How many rooms?" the receptionist asked.

"Three," Ebonwing answered, but Shon spoke over her,

"Six."

Ebonwing shook her head, "You shouldn't be alone..."

"It's been six years, Druid Ebonwing," Shon said, measuring his voice carefully. Calm... Numb... Cold, "I'm fine," he nodded to the receptionist. Poor man. He had no idea what was going on, "Where's the practice room?"

"We... I'm sorry, but those are for members only."

Ponytail Mage spoke up, "Oh don't be like that Yarn. It's not like anyone but me uses it half the time anyway." Ponytail Mage grinned at the receptionist, "I'll sponsor his use of the room. Maybe I can even talk him into honoring me with a sparring match."

The receptionist sighed, "If you insist, Han..." he made a note in his log.

Shon turned to the stranger, Han, the name sounded familiar, but it didn't matter. Shon lifted his hands to give the man a Monk bow in thanks.

Ebonwing tried stepping closer again, "Shon you..."

Shon closed his eyes, but Han came to his rescue again, "He'll be fine, M'lady. It looks to me like the young man just needs to work out some frustrations in the training room."

Ebonwing snapped at him, "And what do you know about it? You just injected yourself in something that doesn't concern you-"

"Druid Ebonwing," Shon said softly, "it doesn't concern you." she stepped back as if he'd slapped her, and Shon stepped further into the atrium, away from her, though he didn't know where to go.

Behind him, he heard Mage Han whisper to her, "I can tell you're concerned, M'lady, but you have to see that he wants his space right now."

"Just... just don't leave him alone. Please?" She pled with him.

"You have my word."

Shon closed his eyes again at the answer, then smothered that bit of annoyance in ice too. Ryuuko whistled low and sad, sending him an image of not only Ebonwing but Alena's concerned face as well. Fine, he told his familiar, then turned back for the Mage, who gestured to a door off the ground floor and led the way.

In contrast to the sweeping staircase that trailed along the outer edge of the tower's upper floors, this one spiraled tightly down. Han led the way down to a long underground hall lined with doors on either side with one at the far end. Han waited for Shon at the base of the stairs and walked beside him through the hall. The silence lasted all of five steps.

"Shon..." Han sounded musing, then glanced at Shon from the corner of his eye. Looking over his face, then Ryuuko, and finally his sword, now shifting from a transparent pale blue back to a dark cloud, Han asked, "I have a question..."

Shon nodded mutely. Numb. But Han didn't ask anything. Rather, he stated, "You're an ice Sorcerer, with a pseudodragon familiar and a sealing item in your sword..." Shon didn't respond, but Han did finally get to his question, "Do you happen to know a girl? Well, I suppose she would be a young woman now, named Lily?"

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Shon stopped dead in his tracks. Han continued a few steps then turned to watch him. "You know Lily?" Shon asked.

Han smiled, "So I was right!" he announced, "You're her Squire, the one she was crushing on all those years ago." He shook his head. "I know she made it to Hamerfoss safely, thank the gods, and that she continued on her journey to explore the world with Master Velona, but I missed her the last time she was in the city." He crossed his arms and tapped his chin in thought, "about... three years ago, I think?" he shrugged, "anyway, have you seen her since that Winter Solstice? How is she?"

Memories were flooding, flashing, through Shon's mind. Lily standing at the edge of a sparing ring, calling out encouragement to Shon's opponent. Lily sitting on a box outside the light of the celebration. Lily pulling him closer... Shon shook his head to clear it but then nodded in answer.

Han waited for more then finally prompted, "And how is she? Or maybe, how was she? The last time you saw her?"

"She's hunting the Warlocks." Alone... because Shon had abandoned her... Ryuuko licked his ear, feeling the dark thoughts that had been trailing him for two days begin to spiral.

Han frowned, "They offered me the position on your team, you know. As a Battlemage who'd known her when she was first freed..." he gestured down the hall and they began walking again as he continued, "I refused because I don't think they should be trying to bring her in, so they went with Ranito instead. The man is obsessed with dragon research and has been paying her for samples for years."

Shon didn't answer. He should have done that. Refuse the mission outright, on principle. Instead, he was working with those hunting her. It didn't matter that he refused to participate in that part... Ryuuko whistled and tried to send him an image of Lily as he had last seen her, asking him to join the team. He cut off the image and felt Ryuuko flinch.

Han was sighing and said, "Well, it doesn't matter, Lily can take care of herself. And that was before she trained with a Master Monk..."

He led Shon to the very end of the hall and the final door. Opening it, he gestured Shon into the enormous room with only a small weapons rack near the door. Han continued speaking, though Shon only heard a handful of the words, his mind preoccupied with other thoughts. "Promised... alone... stay... corner... take... time..."

Shon nodded and moved for a spot beside the weapons racks while Han moved off to the far corner of the room. Taking out a simple stick, only about four inches long, the Battlemage spun it, and it elongated into a short sword as he walked. Shon drew his own sword, and Ryuuko took off to perch on one of the dusty staves on the lonely weapons rack. Were they the same ones Lily had used before getting her own?

He needed to stop thinking, to focus his mind on his practice. But the thoughts wouldn't stop...

Thom... he'd had to run into Thom of all people. A son of servants, socially awkward, but always so kind. Thom had been the most nervous of the three of them. He'd been going to say there must be a reason... Of course there was a reason. But Shon already knew it. It was him. He wasn't good enough. Flawed at the core. He'd been the best of them in almost everything, jumping to the head of all the classes after only a week or two of picking up each new weapon. He'd even topped in armor training during their final year. After wearing it all day, every day, for the entire year. But it didn't matter. It wasn't good enough.

Hengist accepts all those able and willing to serve... Unless you were Shon, apparently. Flawed in the soul. A bundle of contradictions. Useless...

He was a waste of money... time... oxygen... Ryuuko squawked in distress. Shon ignored it, his mind spiraling in tighter circles. Down, down, down, and ever darker.

His mind twisted even his strengths into weaknesses. He could fight, could kill; it was the only thing he could do. They'd always said he was scary when fighting. That was probably part of it. He should've been disgusted with himself that he could kill without blinking, could spar without pulling his hits even in the beginning. He should've known then that he wasn't meant to be a knight. That he'd been broken from the beginning...

Shon went through the physical motions of his kata but couldn't focus on them. Ryuuko tried to send him more images, these of Veon-Zih and some of the people they had saved together. Shon clamped down on their bond, hard, to stop the visions, continuing his drills. His mind never calming. Taking the intended comfort and reassurance and twisting it into another weapon.

Master Veon-Zih... Shon had been nothing but a burden to the man. When Shon was a child, the Monk had wanted to continue adventuring. But because of Shon, he was locked into returning to Clearhelm again and again to train him. As an adult, Shon had latched onto the kindly man like a leach. Veon-Zih had been forced to take the rank and responsibility he'd never wanted, becoming a Grandmaster because Shon hadn't been good enough...

Something soft flopped to the floor. Shon continued his drills. And his thoughts. His own mind attacking him in a way far more effective than anyone could ever manage from outside. The Temple... it vouched for him, for his safety. But he wasn't safe. If his sword ever moved out of range, he would hurt everyone around him, risking the very people Hengist ordered he protect.

That was another part of it too... The magic. The danger he posed just by existing...

"Shon!" a man's voice called, but Shon couldn't register it. He continued his drills, going through the motions practiced a million times. It would be better if he didn't exist. If he had never been a burden to his Master, or even before that, to the Church of Soleil that raised him. But he was too much of a coward... "Sorcerer!"

Shon stopped, finally looking up. Han was jogging towards him, "You're familiar; you're hurting it." the Mage called, pointing behind him.

Shon turned to find Ryuuko curled at the base of the weapons rack. Shon dropped his sword and fell to his knees to scoop up to the little dragon. He'd closed their bond so tightly he had to consciously force it open. Ryuuko sighed in relief, lifting its head and licking his nose.

"Ryuuko... I..." he squeezed his eyes shut. He didn't deserve such a faithful and wonderful companion. Ryuuko trilled and nuzzled the side of his face, sending him flashes of all the times Shon had fed the little thing the choicest pieces of their dinner and of itself curled beside Shon's neck as he slept.

Someone chanted between chattering teeth, but Shon didn't open his eyes. He really was hopeless. The best he could hope for was death in combat. One wound too many, or just the right one too far away... But then Ryuuko would die, and it would be Shon's fault... There was no way out.

Ryuuko clicked in distress and sent him one more image, just one. Lily's face with no context. But Shon's mind took over. Lily... Lily in a white hospital gown, back before she had a name. Lily laughing with the other Squires at meals but reaching out to touch him under the table. Lily distressed because Thom had tried to warn her that Shon didn't like being touched. Lily smiling when Shon told her he didn't mind. Lily standing in the sparing ring, one eye closed from the pain he'd caused by hitting her in the side, but smiling. Lily glaring down at him, holding his jaw tight so he wouldn't look away, angry at the idea that he would go easy on her in sparing. Lily grinning wickedly as she took the lead on the dancefloor of their first Winter Solstice. Lily looking down at her feet as she told him she didn't think he would want to kiss her again. Lily outside the stables of Hamerfoss, reaching for his face, and her voice as she told him it would be alright...

Tears streamed down Shon's face. He shook his head, but the images didn't stop. Lily standing in a crowded inn, bopping him in the head after five years apart. Lily leaning forward in their shared shadow, whispering. Her voice... 'I want to kiss you again...'. Lily sitting with her knees hugged to her chest on the planes of Lenare, telling him how much she missed him and how she wanted to be sure they always communicated with each other.

Lily... his entire life was Lily... his reason for continuing to exist. Her smile, and his honor. His oath to Hengist. Finally, Shon remembered Lily leaning over him, forcing him to look at her after she'd seen his darkness, some of his twisted desires that should've been an anathema to her. 'How dare you make me wait! That was amazing!'

She'd accepted him... Seen him and wanted him more for it. Where the gods had turned him away, she had demanded that if he was going to swear an oath to her, she would do the same for him in return.

Shon opened his eyes. The room, once full of warm woods and dusty weapons, was now covered in a thick layer of ice. From floor to ceiling, it glistened with frozen spikes. Han shivered in his robes but had cast a protection spell on himself.

Shon had overloaded the sealing item. He tried to pull in the power, but his breath shook, and he whispered to Ryuuko, "I betrayed her, Ryuuko. I chose the kingdom over her and left her to face her greatest fear alone..." But Ryuuko sent him the same image again, of Lily asking him to join the team.

Shon managed to pull in his magic, just barely, locking it away behind his sword. The ice started to melt, dripping from the walls and ceiling, and he stood, "I'm sorry..." he breathed, though to who, he wasn't sure. Everyone. Lily, Veon-Zih, Hengist... I'm sorry...

Han spoke from the side, presenting Shon's sword to him, hilt first, the pommel a soft white, "Come on, Shon. I think you need to rest..."

It was an understatement. Shon was exhausted. He could barely hold his arms up as he took his sword and sheathed it. Ryuuko crawled up his chest to drape itself across his shoulders, and Han gestured for the door, "Your rooms will be ready upstairs..." He didn't press Shon for answers, criticize him for his lack of control, or even for hurting Ryuuko. He just led the way back up the tower in blissful silence.

Shon's mind continued to swirl. Ever attacking. Poking at every crack in his soul. Made explicit in his failed vigil and seeping life like open wounds.

***

Ryuuko had experienced dark times from its human before, its other half. And though this time was worse, it knew of one way that always fixed it. Only one thing that ever seemed to help.

It rode on Shon's shoulders up to the atrium but took off when the entry doors opened to admit some Mages. Squeezing through the crack before the doors closed, Ryuuko flew through the city, straight over the roads and buildings towards the fortress parapets in the distance.

It dove for the white walls of Shon's Temple, streaking past the Paladins on guard and disregarding their surprised shouts. It flew into the door and clawed at the wood, but no one was there to open it. It needed a human. Ryuuko pushed off and flew to the guards again, squawking and chittering, trying to get them to understand the urgency.

"Ryuuko?!" a female voice. Ryuuko looked up from its position on one of the guard's helms as he tried to wave it off. The nice girl ran towards it, the mean man and smoky man close behind. Ryuuko whistled, launching itself off the Paladin just before his gauntleted hand slammed down on his own helm with a loud clang. It circled the three people it knew, twittering as loud as it could.

"What's wrong, Ryuuko?" the nice one asked, reaching her hands out for it.

Ryuuko didn't land on her palms, instead grabbing her fingers in its foreclaws and pulling her towards the white Temple.

"Is it Shon? Did something happen?" she asked. But she walked in the direction it urged, so it whistled and took off, flying between the knight guards again and back to the Temple doors.

The mean one spoke, "Stand down, good Sirs," and took too long pulling out papers to show the guards.

"I thought he was going back to the Guild..." the smoky one said. Ryuuko trilled but continued to claw on the Temple door.

"We should follow Ryuuko," the nice one said, rushing between the guards to open the door for it. As soon as the gap was large enough, Ryuuko squeezed through and flew down the hall, stopping at each corner to hover in the air and whistle back at the others who hurried to follow.

All the Temples were set up the same, and it knew where to go. Where Shon always went first and the only place that he found lasting comfort in dark times like this. It landed on another door and clawed at the handle until the nice one opened it. Ryuuko flew into the office, over the long counter separating the entrance from the desks and cabinets piled with papers beyond.

It landed on one cabinet and chittered. The mean one pulled out his papers again as the people in the office all stood, one rushing for the humans, the others going for Ryuuko. "What's in that cabinet?" the mean one asked.

The Cleric looking through his papers answered, "Files for the locals stationed here, Sir," the wrong one then. Ryuuko hopped over to another and whistled.

"And that one?" the nice one asked.

"Miscellaneous files, ma'am. Orders for kingdom representatives and mail without forwarding addresses mostly." the Cleric answered.

Ryuuko whistled and clawed at the cabinet.

"Shon," the nice one said, "Do you have a file in there for Master Sergeant Shon?"

One of the Clerics crowded around Ryuuko's cabinet looked to the one by the front counter, who looked in turn at the mean one, who finally nodded. The Cleric opened the first drawer and started thumbing through files. Ryuuko jumped onto his shoulder, looking over the strange squiggles that were human writing. It could read pictures, even maps, but not words. It trilled low in its throat.

The Cleric moved to the next drawer, then the next before he gasped and pulled out an envelope. Ryuuko whistled and snatched it, streaking for the door. But someone grabbed it by the tail, and it let out a squawk as it was pulled to a stop and dropped the envelope.

The smoky one caught the letter and turned it over in his hands, "It doesn't have a name..." he squinted at the wax seal, "Just a flower?" Ryuuko hissed and bit the mean one's fingers, forcing him to let go of its tail and diving for the letter again.

The mean one grabbed the envelope first and opened it with a whispered, "What?" Ryuuko hissed again, but the nice one had caught it around the middle, holding it back.

"That letter's three years old, Tris," the smoky one said, "Look at the post date."

The mean one stopped reading, turning the envelope over. He shook his head and replaced the letter. Turning to Ryuuko -who hissed at him again- he said, "I'll see it delivered right away, Ryuuko. I'm... I'm sorry."

Ryuuko stopped struggling against the nice one's hands, and she loosened her grip, letting it crawl up to her shoulder where it thrummed. This would help... it always helped before...

***

Shon sat alone in his borrowed room with no lights and the curtains pulled shut. Ryuuko had left him and was somewhere in the city. He couldn't blame it. Shon wished he could do the same. Leave this wretched skin, flee through the sky. Away, far, far away from the monster that he was.

But it was coming back. Shon could feel Ryuuko drawing closer. First to the tower base, then up the stairs towards the living quarters of the Mages Guild. It was another few minutes before he heard the scratching on his door and stood. He had just reached for the handle when someone knocked, and Shon swung it open.

Tristen stood with his fist still raised to knock again. He paused, blinking at Shon in the dark room, then cleared his throat. "Master Sergeant..."

Don't... Shon thought, not you too...

Ryuuko flew in, landing on Shon's shoulder and nuzzling his cheek roughly. Then it wrapped its long neck all the way around Shon's head to hiss over his other shoulder at the Paladin. Tristen cleared his throat again and held out a letter, "Your familiar wanted you to have this..."

Shon took the letter in limp fingers and saw the broken wax seal. His breath caught. Tristen took a step back, his breath showing in a frosty puff, "I didn't see the date, but it was pointed out before I could-"

Shon closed the door in his face.

He walked through the dark towards the window, pulling it open just enough to cast the evening light over the open letter. It was three years old...

After his rejection, Shon and Lily had gone their separate ways for over five years. But they'd left letters for each other wherever they went, Lily with the Temple and Shon with the Mages Guild. They'd received their letters the next time the recipient passed through, often months or even years later, .

Shon pulled out the letter and tried to read. He had to go over the first line twice before he could focus on what it actually said and not the familiar smell of cinnamon on the page.

It's so good to be back! It's been years since I've been in Tarorn. Han's not here. Apparently, he got a job hunting kobolds. So boring. But I got to see the Tomar family again! They're the ones who taught me tumbling. And Mage Vevi. And I even got to buy some new clothes from Rainbow Raiments again! I wish I could show you and introduce you to everyone...

The letter went on for two pages, and Shon felt his heart grow lighter. Even in writing, Lily's enthusiasm was contagious. for a brief moment, Shon wondered if he would have enough time to go to this shop, Rainbow Raiments, before leaving.

He reached the end and had to read it multiple times...

I can't wait to find you again, Shon. And I WILL find you. I promised, and I keep my promises. But until then, we'll both keep doing our best. I know it. You're the strongest man I know, so I know you'll be fine, but don't you dare give up on me, ok? I'll tell you the same thing I told the boys in case you've forgotten: Just because I'm named after a flower doesn't mean I'm as delicate as one! I'm strong, stronger now, and most of that is because YOU believed in me first. So just wait a little longer. Just a little longer, and I'll find you, and we'll be together for as long as you'll have me.

Love, Lily.

Shon closed his eyes and held the letter tight, trying not to crinkle the pages. Ryuuko purred, and he whispered, "Thank you, Ryuuko..." opening his eyes again, he started to read from the beginning. Three years... she had written this three years ago, but it felt like she was right beside him, as it usually did when he got a letter from Lily.

"She really is strong..." Shon whispered, "Stronger than me. Strong enough for this." Ryuuko whistled, and he reached up to pet it as it nuzzled him again, "We will find each other again. And we will be together..." She'd accepted him, chose him even after he'd been rejected by a god that loved everyone. And he'd sworn an unbreakable oath to her. To them. Together. "... after we finish this. Just like she asked."

***

"So what do we do?" Oswall asked, spitting into his flask, "Put him on suicide watch?"

Ranito shrugged without looking up from his book, a tome from his time here, "His familiar has got that covered." the Archmage turned a page, "What you god sworn don't seem to realize is the contradiction he presents. All those denied by the gods might eventually take their own life, but no Sorcerer with a living familiar has ever done so."

Oswall huffed. The damn Mage sounded more curious than worried about which category Shon would inevitably fall into.

The team sat in Ranito's room on the upper level of the Mages Guild, the same one from his time living here. It was twice as large as those lent to the rest of the team, which were only apprentice rooms. It held a bigger desk, a couch, and a few stuffed chairs, as well as a collection of strange tools and what looked like dragon artifacts in glass cases.

"That's not a gamble we should be making." Ebonwing said, glaring at Tristen, "We should send him on to Oane like he asked. We should've known something was wrong when he argued, not once, but twice."

"We need to stay together while we gather this foundational..." Tristen started but stopped when he saw Oswall shaking his head at Ebonwing.

The Rogue spat into his flask again. He didn't understand the specifics of what had happened to Shon, but he knew self-loathing and depression, "If we send him off now, he'll see it as a sign of failure, as further evidence that he isn't good enough."

"Good enough for what?!" Ebonwing asked, throwing her hands in the air and startling Neg, who started to fly and caw around the room's dusty ceiling, "For riding to an abandoned tower, looking around and coming back? We can just brief him when we meet up again."

"I want him to draw the tower..." Ranito mumbled. Everyone ignored him.

Oswall shook his head again, but he didn't know how to explain, "If it's as bad as you say, then he won't see it like that."

"Maybe," Alena said. She sat on the edge of her seat, her hands held loosely in her lap. Prim. Like a young noble lady. The Cleric seemed to be relaxed but had refused to look at or even acknowledge Tristen the entire evening. Now she finally settled her blue eyes on the Paladin, her voice almost as cold and frightening as Shon's, "I'll tell you what we will do. We will go to Smilnda and speak to General Rasnah, then we will request, forcefully if we have to, that she authorize a gate to the Warlock tower. We will do our job and be out of Clearhelm in two days, at most."

She looked over the rest of the group, waiting for a challenge that didn't come. Tristen leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and pinching the bridge of his nose, "Yes, Cleric Alena. Of course."

"And," Alena added, waiting until Tristen looked at her, "You will never require that Shon come here again. I don't care if the most evil Warlock to walk the kingdom ends up in Clearhelm. If he requests to abstain, you will respect that."

Tristen clenched his jaw then actually tried to argue with her, "We have a mission from the king. If it requires-"

Alena stood, and Oswall flinched on Tristen's behalf. Ebonwing brought her feet up onto the couch and hugged her knees. Even Ranito looked up, his jaw falling open as Alena seemed to radiate wrath, "You caused suffering to one of our companions. Opened unhealed wounds you knew about. You risked his life. You asked me to look out for the health of this team. I would have done it anyway. I swore an oath to do it. You challenged that oath by insisting that we all stay together and come to a place of trauma that all but Oswall and Ranito understand. You will never do this again. Do you understand me, Sir Tristen of Saint Giorgos?"

Tristen stood, and though he was a foot taller than the Cleric, she still seemed to tower over him. He nodded his agreement and bowed low to her, "I'm sorry, Cleric Alena. I..."

"I don't care." Alena hissed, "Apologize to him."

"Don't," Oswall interjected despite his better judgment. They both stared at him, and he looked out the window to avoid their eyes, "That's not what he wants to hear. Just do your job, don't do it again, and don't bring it up."

"What makes you think..." Ebonwing started, but Oswall stood, shoving his hands in his pockets, and walking for the door.

"We've got an early gate in the morning," he waved lazily over his shoulder to them, "I'm going to bed. Who knows when I'll get another one as fancy as this." He wasn't going to explain his personal experience with trauma and hate. Or his dealings with those suffering from it now. It was none of their business what he did on his own time.