Joseph II

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It had been a week since Joseph had taken in Kaiden and his people.

At first, he had been hopeful. He’d set his people up along the walls, armed with slings and shields, ready to defend his fortress from any who opposed him. However, as hours passed and nobody appeared on the horizon, everyone began to relax. Maybe the attacking king had decided to just take Kaiden’s village and let his people leave. They could hope.

Unfortunately, that was not the case. Around midday the next day, the army was spotted on the horizon, and Joseph scrambled everyone back up onto the walls. The attacking army arrived by the time he had gotten everyone into position and began demanding their surrender.

His people responded by firing stones down onto them, injuring and even killing several of the attackers.

Since then, the other army has held back, standing far enough away from the village that they were outside slinger range. Instead of directly attacking his walls, they had settled in for a siege, attacking anyone and everyone who tried to leave by land.

Luckily, they weren’t able to do anything about their boats. Nobody had a real navy yet, so the enemy was forced to let his boats ship food and supplies from his ally to the North. Those shipments were probably the only reason they could afford a siege right now.

His own food supplies were good enough to last until the next harvest (the desert luckily didn’t have winters to worry about, or else they’d really be screwed), but Kaiden’s people hadn’t brought that much food with them, so his stores were effectively halved. It meant his people would be fine for right now, but if they weren’t able to lift the siege by the end of the month, their next harvest would be delayed, and they’d end up starving by next year.

That said, the other army was in the same boat. They were far away from their own home, and were surviving solely off of the supplies they stole from Kaiden’s village. And while they were here sieging him down, they weren’t growing food back at their own village.

Both sides were on a time crunch, and this siege would end up coming down to whoever gave in first.

--

“Hey, Joseph, do you think we’re gonna win this?”

The older man sighed, glancing over at Kaiden. The two of them were in his house, the one with the sunrise mural on the walls. It was a little cramped between them, but it was a roof over their heads and out of the sun, so it was fine.

“The hell is with that attitude?” he scoffed. “Win this? Of course we’re going to win! They can’t actually do anything to us! We’ve just gotta wait them out!”

“Yeah, but…”

“No buts! You know what the first step to failure is? A negative attitude! So don’t go doubting us yet! If you go into a fight thinking you’ll lose, then you’ll lose no matter what!”

“So positivity’s gonna win this for us? Are you being serious right now?”

“Alone, no, it won’t. But negativity sure as hell won’t help either! So stop feeling sorry for yourself and help me brainstorm some ideas already!”

“Yeah yeah, anything you say old man.”

“Old? Old!? I’m only thirty-four!”

“Yeah, and that’s twice my age, old man.”

That brought Joseph up short. This kid was seventeen!?

Joseph stopped and looked at the kid, really looked at him. His blonde and blue unkept hair, which looked like it hadn’t been combed in months. His shoulders, which were hunched and tense, looking like he was curling in on himself. His hands, which were clenched into fists to stop them from shaking.

For the first time, he realized he wasn’t looking at a man, but a kid way out of his depth.

‘Heh, like I’m one to talk. Fuck. This kid’s too young to be dealing with this shit. We’re all too young to be dealing with this shit.’

“Hey, what’s the matter? Why’d you go silent all of a sudden? If we’re done chatting, you mind if I head out?”

Joseph scoffed. “Sit your ass back down, we aren’t done yet. I’m just having an existential crisis over here, don’t mind me.”

“Finally accepted you’re getting on in years, huh? Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll get your pension soon enough.”

“I’m not that old! Honestly, kid’s these days…”

“Really not selling you case here, old man.”

Joseph snorted, rolling his eyes. “Hey, kid, what’d you like to do back home?”

“Wait, what? Where did this come from?”

“I mean—back in Texas, I used to dabble in some carpentry. Just took a knife to some wood and let out my inner artist—”

“Wait,” Kaiden interrupted, “you’re from Texas? Where’s your accent?”

“My what?”

“You know, your accent! The one people from Texas are supposed to have. Y’know, like—‘Well slather my barbeque and call me Sunday, it’s y’all’d’ve’s birthyday! Who-ha! Guns! Freedom! Burgers!”

Joseph stared in shock for a second, before he burst out laughing, wheezing as he doubled over. “That—hah—that has to be, that has to be the worst southern accent I have ever—haha!” He lost it after that, laughing himself horse.

Eventually, he managed to calm himself down enough to speak. “If you must know, I grew up in California, I only moved to Texas in my thirties, so that’s why I don’t have a southern accent.”

“I have no idea what the difference is. All you Americans sound the same to me.”

“Thanks. That almost didn’t offend me.” Joseph rolled his eyes, giving Kaiden a look. “That said, you still haven’t answered my question. What did you like to do back home? Any hobbies?”

Kaiden was didn’t reply, staying silent long enough that Joseph wondered if he just wasn’t going to answer the question. But, finally, he answered. “I, uh, I like music.”

“Music?”

“Um, yeah, I mean, uh…”

“Well,” Joseph encouraged him, trying to keep the conversation from petering out, “what kind of music do you like? Rock? Pop? I promise I won’t be mad if you like Country.”

“I actually, I like a bit of everything. Except Screamo, that shit can die out for all I care. But the rest of it’s good.”

“I’m sure there are a lot of middle-aged moms that would disagree with you, but hey, to each their own. Have you ever played anything yourself?”

He ducked his head, looking a bit embarrassed. “I, um, I used to have a keyboard. I even played for a band! Though we broke up pretty quick…”

“That’s alright!” Joseph reassured him, “That’s just a part of life. I’m certain you guys were making great music while you were together.”

“It’s not like it matters anymore anyhow. These people don’t even have pianos, much less keyboards…”

Joseph frowned, staring at the downtrodden teenager in front of him. “Hey, kid? Tell ya what. After this is over, and we’re not spending all our time fighting for our lives, why don’t we reinvent the piano?”

Kaiden’s head snapped up in shock. “Wait, what? That’s—I mean—do you even know how to make a piano!?”

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“Nope!” the older man grinned. “It’ll be an adventure! Besides, I’m sure between the two of us we could figure it out!”

“I… I don’t…”

“Look, Kaiden,” his smile softened. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the course of my life, it’s that things don’t always go your way. Sometimes your boss makes you come into work on your off day, sometimes an eldritch god picks you up and dumps you into another world. You’ve just got to take these things as they come. Today we’re in a city under siege—something neither of us expected to be dealing with a couple months ago. But we haven’t lost yet, and I don’t plan to lose in the future. So we’ll win this war, and the after it’s all done, if you’re willing, I’d love to hear you play the piano. So chin up, okay? We’ll be fine.”

“…Yeah,” Kaiden scoffed. And yet, a small smile grew on his face. “Yeah. Thanks for the lecture, old man.”

“Anytime, kid.”

--

It was early in the morning of the next day that things began to change. Joseph got called up to the walls by one of his guards, as apparently, the attacking king had called for a parley.

He stood on top of the walls, staring down at the small retinue that had gathered below him. The King was in the front—obvious by his fancy (relatively speaking) clothes and foreign features. His hair was long and black, and he had a Mediterranean complexion, unlike his three guards who all had much darker skin.

“I am Domenic!” the other king called up to him. “King of Nuova Napoli! Now, you must be the ruler of this City, are you not?”

“I am,” Joseph replied, not letting go of his sling. “And you’re the king attacking us? Have you come to surrender?”

“Hardly,” Domenic scoffed. “You’ve done well with yourself, I see,” he said, gesturing to the walls he was standing on. “These walls are very impressive. You must have worked hard on them! The logistics must have been a pain to work out, especially with the lack of technology.”

“What praise! Tell me, are you here to fight or flirt?”

“A jokester, are you? Well, I won’t waste your time, as it’s quite simple. You know as well as I do, that only ten people can survive this war. And I’m planning to be one of them.”

“Gee, I couldn’t tell.”

“But,” he continued, ignoring Joseph’s interjection, “that frees up nine other slots that people could fit into. Nine other allies, who I will bring to the end with me. I hope you understand what I’m getting at here.”

“…Yeah, I do,” Joseph replied lowly. “Why me? You’ve gone to all the trouble of raising an army—some of your people have already died. So why me? Why now?”

“Well you see, I need competent people on my side. People who are a cut above the rest. And last night, I was thinking to myself, ‘Dang, that King over there? He’s built some castle walls less than a month after he arrived. He’s put up more of a fight than any of the other rulers I’ve met so far. I could use someone like him on my side.’” Domenic grinned up at him. “So, here’s my deal; you turn over the king in your city, and I’ll call off my army, and we’ll go into the future as allies. I’ll even give you the city he used to own, as a gesture of goodwill. So, what do you say? Do we have a deal?”

That… wasn’t actually a bad deal. Morally reprehensible, yes, but he’d get a lot out of this if he agreed.

Of course, that would also mean killing Kaiden—well, consigning him to death, but that was the same thing. If he agreed, he’d be killing a seventeen-year-old boy, but in return this whole nightmare would be over.

To his shame, for a moment he considered it.

It would be easy. Just hand him over, and the war ends. Kill one to save the rest, and all that. No more risk of starving, no more violence, they’d be able to leave their walls again, and he’d even be given territory in the process, doubling the size of his petty kingdom. From a logical standpoint, it was the right decision.

But…

But. It wasn’t really the right decision, not in the slightest. He’d never be able to live with himself if he agreed to that deal.

Besides, who’s to say the other guy’d keep his end of the bargain? He could just wait for him to open the gates, and then stab him in the back once his guard was down. It’s not like there’d be anyone to stop him.

Besides, they weren’t—just because he was a king, didn’t have to make him a tyrant.

“…Before I agree to anything, I have a question for you,” he called down, forcing his thoughts not to show on his face. “You said I’ve put up more of a fight than anyone else. Does that mean you’ve conquered other cities? Killed other rulers?”

“Indeed,” he smiled proudly up at him. “I’ve conquered two other cities; this was meant to be my third. Neither of them were that difficult to conquer, unlike yourself. But enough about me—have you made your decision? I can only wait so long, you know!”

Well, that clinched it. This man was as untrustworthy as they came.

“Yeah, I do.”

He took a deep breath, and then as loudly as he could he shouted down—“I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!”

Silence.

Domenic didn’t speak for a long moment, his mouth flapping up and down in shock. “…Was… was that a Monty Python reference!? Did you just quote Monty Python at me!? Here!? Now!? You do know the situation you’re in right now, right!?”

“Yeah! And there’s no way I’d let you in, you Eng—er, Italian—bedwetting types! I burst my pimples at you, and call your door opening request a silly thing, you tiny brained wipers of other people’s bottoms!”

Domenic closed his eyes, visibly counting to ten. “Alright. Fine! Spurn my generosity, will you!? Since you obviously aren’t taking this seriously, I will just have to kill you as well! We both know you only have a limited amount of food in there! So when we take this city, remember this moment, remember that I gave you an out! Because when I take this village, you will not get another one!”

“Right, so is that everything?” Joseph asked, sticking his pinky in his ear. “Or do you still need some more time to monologue? I’ve got my kid’s piano recital at five, so I can’t spend all day on this.”

Domenic spun around, dramatically storming away in a fit of rage, his two guards following behind him.

Once they were out of hearing range, Joseph finally unwound, collapsing against the scaffolding with a sigh. “Fuck, that was probably a bad idea.”

“Yeah,” Hsekiu nodded, “it probably was.”

“Well I thought it was kind of funny,” Ahmose said.

“Yeah? Well, thanks,” Joseph chuckled wearily, rubbing a hand over his face. “Let’s just hope we’ll still be around to laugh at it next year.”

With that, they fell into silence, staring back out at the opposing army apprehensively.

“Hey, Pharaoh?” Ahmose asked. “What’s a hamster?”

--

Later that evenings Joseph was standing along the riverbed, arguing with the most recent merchant from the north.

“What do you mean this is the last shipment!?” he asked incredulously. “I thought we had a deal? Food for whatever we can spare, and then once this is all over we’d go over to your village and build you walls like ours. That was the deal!”

“Yeah, yeah it was,” the other man sighed, wincing uneasily. “At least until last night. We spotted soldiers on the horizon, another army coming from the north. They started marching on the city just after I left. We don’t have you defenses, so our Pharaoh had already decided to surrender and hope for the best when he sent me off. This isn’t a trade—it’s a gift. The last we may ever be able to give.”

“…oh,” Joseph muttered. “Shit.”

“Aye. Shit.”

“I—I’m sorry. If I had known I would have—”

“Would have what?” the other man scoffed incredulously. “You all aren’t exactly in a better position yourself. But you did promise to help, and my lord appreciates that, even if you never had the chance to follow through with it.”

“Yeah, I—yeah. If he’s still—no. When you get back, tell him I owe him a beer, when this is all over.”

“He’s had our beer—says it’s shit.”

“It is. But taste doesn’t matter if you’re just planning to get wasted.”

“Heh. Aye, you’re right about that.”

After that, the sailor finished up unloading his cargo, before turning around and sailing away, following the river back north.

Joseph sighed, closing his eyes. “…Fuck.”

“Hey, uh, Joseph,” he heard from behind him. Turning around, he saw Kaiden, fiddling awkwardly. “Could I talk to you for a minute?”

“Hm? Yeah, I can, just give me a second,” Joseph nodded, before closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. “Alright. What did you want to talk about?”

“I, um, I heard about what happened on the walls. The other guy—Domenic, right?—he offered to stop attacking if you turned me over.”

“…Yeah? And?”

“Well, I think…” Kaiden took a deep breath, before spitting out, “I think you should have accepted!”

“…What?” Joseph asked, genuinely confused. “Why in god’s green earth would I have accepted that dumbass deal?”

“Why would you…?” Kaiden stared at him like he was an idiot. “Because it would have saved the rest of our people!? It would have saved you! If, if one person needs to die for a hundred to survive, then I’ll gladly accept that fate!”

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed yet, but none of our people have died since you got here—suffered, sure, but not died—whereas he’s already lost a couple. Right now, the only people we’d be saving would be the ones attacking us.”

“That’s not what I—!”

Joseph sighed, rubbing his chin. “Right, fine, I’ll stop playing dumb. Look kid, your heart’s in the right place, but your head isn’t. You’re stressed and not thinking things through. Even if Domenic were to break through our walls today and kill the two of us, most if not all of our people would survive. Maybe not all the soldiers, but the civilians would likely be fine. That’s because right now, we’re in a numbers game—the more people a ‘god-king’ has, the bigger their army and the less they have to worry about other people’s armies. So he’s not going to waste such a ‘valuable resource’ that easily.”

“But those soldiers…!”

“Of course, I doubt he’s telling the truth anyway,” Joseph continued, talking over him. “The psycho’s already killed two other people minimum, and that’s not even counting all the people who’ve died in battle. I wouldn’t trust a warmonger like that to keep his promises, especially not when it would be easier for him to just kill me and take my city once my back’s turned. Besides, he’s obviously not in that great a position himself—if he were, he wouldn’t have made such a deal in the first place.”

“I… I get it,” he muttered, running his hand through his hair. “…But if we’re going to die anyway, shouldn’t we do everything in our power to make sure everyone else survives?”

“Look, kid, even if I agreed with that, I’m not turning someone over to a murderer just to save my own skin—I’d never be able to live with myself afterwards. And I’m even less willing to do that when I don’t even think it’d work. And besides,” Joseph smiled down at him. “You promised to let me hear you play the piano, didn’t you? So you can’t go dying until I’ve heard at least ten songs, you got that?”

“…I…” Kaiden choked, staring at him in shock. Then, slowly, tears began to leak out of his eyes. “You don’t get to just say something like that out of the blue, bastard!” he hissed, rubbing his eyes. “You know what!? Fuckin’ fine! I’m gonna play you some songs, and they’ll be the best goddamned songs in the world,” he sniffed. “Mozart and Beethoven and even the fuckin’ Bohemian Rhapsody! So you’d better enjoy it all old man! Because it’s gonna be fuckin amazing!”

“Yeah,” Joseph smiled softly at him, reaching over to grab his shoulder. “Yeah kid, I’m sure it will be.”

9,961 God-Kings Remaining