Chapter 1
It was a dark, lonely, stormy day and the first day of winter break. The wind howling with a swirling storm inside. The river turned into solid ice, trees white instead of green. Children filled with joy and glee about the festive holiday season jumping in joy as their Christmas was going to be a white christmas. Little ones running around decorating their houses, putting up stockings making their Christmas wish list, excitedly waiting for Santa to come by and to drop off their presents. All looking forward to the ice skating, snowball fights and making of snow angels with their loved ones. All just forgetting the reality and just living in the happy moment and the dark cloud of emotions and worries just disappear.
Malls crowded with people who are filled with happiness and excitement, eagerly looking for the perfect gifts for their loved ones and those dear to their hearts. Lines and lines with little ones with their parents waiting for their turn to see Santa and ask for whatever gift they want from their wish list written in crayons and cute writing in bright colors, trying to convince Santa they aren’t on the naughty list and have been good throughout the year. Adults in line for wrapping gifts to fill the beneath of their Christmas tree so on the bright happy Christmas morning the family can come around together to open the gifts they have been blessed with. All my friends posting family moments and how they are happy to be with their families that somehow seem to be perfect together, yet we all know no family is perfect.
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Everyone may be having a festive holiday which seems to be perfect with the warmth of love and laughter and smiles yet I still have to fight my demons who never give me a break and just be okay for once in forever. Yet I have to be trapped under this huge dark cloud just raining and triggering my depression and anxiety. Just there to cloud my judgement and path to happiness disabling me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. My mind giving thoughts like just to commit suicide and end it but my heart telling me to know there is light at the end of the tunnel and it’s just a phase and mom will be sad at my rational decision. I may have my mother Katy and my brother Lucas as my family and my friends and also have a very loving boyfriend Josh who has always been by my side and who tries convincing me that the world is not perfect but it’s not that bad if we have each other.
All the convincing worked to some point but all I could think of on days is, how long? How long can I keep fighting? How long can I go on? How much longer can I cry myself to sleep? How much longer do I have to lie that I am fine yet I’m not? How long till that lie of I am okay becomes a reality? How long will the cloud take to fade so I can stop doubting myself? Some days I do not know what I did to deserve the life I have. It’s suppose to be the most festive time of the year, the birth of the saviour, everyone’s home to celebrate and share the warmth of love and start a new beginning of another chapter of our lives and a whole new year, us entering it without knowing what it has planned for us, the pain, the heartache, the joy, the moments we want to keep frozen forever no one knows what we are walking in to. All just looking forward to the next year and it’s moments.