Part 5.

One year after Thera joined Suya. Seventh year of the Vazer war.

Thera hobbled to Suya's quarters, her bad leg shooting dull spikes of pain up her leg when it was jostled too hard, or put down with too much force, or did any- FUCKing-thing. It was stupid, she had barely been tapped by that war hammer, and now she had a broken leg? Come on! She'd spent two weeks doing nothing while they waited for the bone to set, something made all the harder because they needed to tear the implant out of her leg for the surgery. Her left leg was weaker than ever and she hated it.

That wasn't the only thing putting her in a bad move. It seemed like every day Altan was coming by and badgering her. Are you healed yet? When are you going to get back to fighting? Don't you realise how much this means to us? He's stopped calling her a bitch months ago, but she could hear it in the sentence still. He'd stopped hitting her as well, but she could tell by the way he clenched his hands he was wishing he could do ti. Thera wished he would pluck up the courage to try.

She reached the door and knocked, a distinct pattern to announce her presence. "You may come in." Suya called.

Thera pushed the door open, Suya was doing more paper work. It was shocking to Thera how much paperwork the generals had to do. She could never quite reconcile the image of Suya leading barking orders at troops over the din of battle, swinging his great sword around, with this relaxed or boring looking man. The sheer contradiction made Thera smile whenever she thought about it, as she was doing now.

Suya looked up, saw her smiling, and while he didn't smile back, his eyes brightened a little. "Hello, Thera. Is your leg healing fine?" He pointed to a set for her to sit in. Thera took it.

"Yes, and I hate it."

Suya groaned in assent. "I've broken my share of bones over the years, but I've never seen or had a break like yours."

"I bet you haven't. DO you think when its fully healed I can get a new implant? It feels like my leg is out of sync with the rest of my body."

"I have little medical experience, but I doubt it." Suya grimaced. "I read the report on you, it seems like your leg is never going to truly heal. It will get better, but you'll never be bale to use ti at the capacity you were before."

"Oh." Thera said. The doctors had said much the same thing, but Thera hadn't been in the right mind to accept that. Hearing it now from someone she trusted, it stung. She felt her leg cramp a little, and flexed it.

"Ah, anyway, how's the war going. I've been bed ridden and couldn't get the surgeons to tell me anything. Even after I threatened them."

"Probably shouldn't have threatened them then." Suya smiled, it seemed the only thing that could get him to do that were his own stupid jokes. "The war's going good. We had small losses after you left, of land and men. But in the last few weeks we've made that back tenfold. We've almost pushed the Vazers back to their border. There's been talks about pushing into the Vazer's country, to cut off the head of the army instead of pushing back..." Suya seemed lost in thought. He shook his head. "Off topic. The war's going good."

"I see." Thera said. She didn't hope it was going bad, or anything. But she couldn't shake the fear that these recent successes might make the General think Thera could be replaced, or that she wasn't needed anymore.

She realized she hadn't said anything for a while and was about to say something, but Suya cut her off. "You have no reason to worry. You haven't broken the deal and I'm not gong to cancel it just because you're bedridden right now. You didn't get injured on purpose or breach the deal in anyway."

"Ah, that's good to hear." Thera said, not really meaning it. There was till that pit of worry in her stomach, telling her to stay on her guard. Stupid thing didn't tell her what to be on guard about.

"Well that's all I wanted to hear so-"

"Hold on." Suya said. He raised then lowered his hand, indicting Thera to remain seated. "I noticed you've been more anxious than usual. This is the third time this month you've asked me if we still have our deal. Are you worried you're not doing enough?"

"Is not that I'm worried. I know I'm not doing all I could be. Hell, I'm resting all day in bed when I could be lifting weights to keep my arm strength."

"That seems excessive."

"It's what I thin I have to do. In fact, I feel I should apologize to you. You haven't always been the nicest guardian or whatever, but you're good enough. I'm sorry I can't be doing more to help you.

Suya sighed and shook his head sadly. "You don't understand. I'm saying you don't need to feel like that at all." He picked up his chair and put it alongside Thera's. Thera leaned away from it, wary. Suya sat, and placed a comforting arm on Thera's shoulder. It was warm.

"You don't need to feel like that at all. True, I had some apprehensions about you when I conscripted you. You were flippant, violent, and deeply unhappy."

"Yeah, you conscripted me."

"Regardless. Since that day, you have proved your worth over and over again. You're cunning and good in a fight. You speak you mind when you feel like it, which seems to help you more than it hinders, haven't figured how that works." Thera couldn't help but smile.

"You're my best soldier. You're doing your best everyday, and I appreciate that." He gave a slight squeeze on her shoulder. "Thank you."

Oh no. Not now. NO. Nonononnooooooofuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccccccckkkk.

Tears started to flow down Thera's face, too many and too sudden to try and hide. She looked away from Suya, who looked equally confused and concerned. This was so embarrassing. She wasn't even sad, what the fuck?

"Thera, are you okay." Suya asked.

"I don't know." She sobbed. Suya took his hand off her shoulder, she wished he hadn't done that. He stood up and Thera flinched away. Suya walked over to a drawer and took out a small towel. He handed it to Thera. She snatched the towel and pushed it against her eyes, trying to stop the flow.

"Do you want me to leave or-"

"Stay. Shut up." Thera said, not caring how petulant she sounded. It took a few minutes for her to stop sobbing. She pulled the towel away, Suya's face was grimaced but he didn't look mad. He must think she was so stupid.

"I don't understand why I did that." Thera admitted.

Suya sat dun alongside her again. "You don't need to know. Are you okay now?"

"I guess. It's just..." Thera remembered the conversation, no, arguments she had with her dad. The hours of laying awake in the bed, hearing the moans and cries of pain of the soldiers around her. And, after she learned to block that out, the endless hours of staring at the ceiling, nothing to do. Trapped in her own mind. "I think that's the only nice thing I've heard in a while."

Suya nodded. "I see. Your father?"

"He's part of it. Definitely. He keeps bothering me about working hard, and he keeps getting mad when I point out how he's not working at all, despite the chances he's been given. I'm tired of dealing with him."

Suya ran his fingers though his beard, in thought. "It might help in the long term to just cut off contact with him. I can make sure he survives til the end of the war, you just won't have to talk with him while it lasts. It will do you good"

Thera shook her head sadly. He still wasn't understanding.

"I can't."

"But-"

"I can't!" She nearly screamed the words at him. "I can't cut him out. I know it doesn't make sense. I know he's a fucking waste of a man and a shit father. But I just can't fucking cut him out. I don't know why. I don't know why. I don't know why." She wrapped her arms around herself, nails digging into skin. If she pushed them deeper, they'd draw blood.

Suya, as gently as he could, grabbed Thera's arms and put her hands on her lap.

"Thera, you are clearly under a lot of stress. That's impossible to avoid when you're a soldier, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't seek help. Your feelings on your father are not healthy."

He was still fucking going on about that? "Its not just my father. Seek help? From who? Besides you, and maybe Kali, I can't talk to the other soldiers. They aren't actively excluding me, but they're in their little cliques. In the camp those cliques didn't really exist. I don't know how to talk to them. Oh, and on top of all that, I don't know what I'm going to be doing with myself when the war ends. A bit of existential dread to add to the 'stential dread." She sighed. "Yeah, I'm stressed. how can I not be?"

"I'm... not sure how to help with most of that, the clique part especially. I'm used to being on my own, and I like it, so I'm not sure how to help with that. As for what you're going to do when the war ends, I could take some time out of my week to help you plan that. Would any of that help your mood?"

Thera opened her mouth to answer, then closed it. From Suya's previous suggestions, she guessed he would try to convince her to go somewhere quiet and peaceful. He wouldn't mean it on purpose, but he would still suggest it and that would get on Thera's nerves, which would make her more stressed.

"I don't want to be thinking about all that now. I want to be calm."

"What makes you feel calm?"

"Fighting." Thera said immediately.

Suya frowned, then narrowed his eyes in thought. "What is it about fighting that makes you calm?"

"Well, the motions I guess. Its exercise, but more fun than the training you have me do. I was doing it almost daily when my leg worked, so it became a routine I looked forward to." She thought back to her time in the bandit cap. "Thera's a competition to it almost, that I can't get from other games. Not that I think its a game." Thera amended.

"Hmm. That part about exercise sounded useful. Maybe I should convince the medics to let you lift weights."

Thera thought more about fighting. In terms of interest, Thera had few that didn't involve fighting. She found the education that Suya provided her boring, except when it involved fighting. For that reason history was becoming one of her favorite subjects, so many battles to talk about. Violence seemed to fit Thera like a glove, she couldn't imagine her life without it.

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Then again, maybe she wouldn't have to. "Um, I think I know what I want to do after the war is over." Thera said, bringing Suya out of his own contemplation.

"What is it?"

"When this war is over, I want to join the military."

"But you're already part of the military."

"Not really, I'm more like your ward than anything. A lot of the rules for soldiers don't apply to me."

"Are you saying you want to be a common soldier then."

"I'm not common. Implants and everything. But I do want to officially join the military when I'm done. I don't thin I can live a life that doesn't involve me fighting. This seems the easiest way to do it."

"You know, the military isn't all fighting. Most of the exercises I have you do, you'd have to all over again and for longer. Your attitude would get you more punishments as well. The military isn't all its cracked up to be."

Thera was more than a little annoyed Suya was disregarding her ideas, after saying he wanted to help. "Why are you in the military then?" She challenged.

Suya lifted his head, looking at a point that didn't exist. "There was a time in my life where I was looking for structure, any structure. I thought the military would give me that, and in a way it did. But as I grew, as I became more learned about the world, I felt more trapped. This military is about ranks and respect. If you don't have the rank, you're opinions aren't worth hearing. I couldn't leave, the war we were having before this one wasn't going well. Or it wasn't going the why I thought it should. I didn't like my commanders, and so I tried to become someone who could replace them, without knowing how or what they had done to get there. And now, I worry I'm like them. That I'm leading myself down a path I don't know where its going, That wherever it leads will end to disaster. Or worse." Suya's voice had gotten ragged. His age, all his years, could be heard in it.

Thera didn't know what to say to that. Didn't know if she was expected to say anything about it. They were still for a moment, both deep in thought about what Suya had said.

Suya came back to himself slowly. He coughed awkwardly, "Sorry about that. Didn't mean to bring your mood down further."

"You didn't."

"Well, I could have. Look, if you want to join the military, after the war, I can start pulling some strings to make that happen."

"Thank-"

"But." He held a finger in front of her. "I want you to seriously consider your future and if this is what you want."

"I will." Thera said, though at the moment she couldn't see why she wouldn't want this. "Thank you. My leg is feeling sore, so I'm going to go back to my bed."

"Very well. Have a safe trip."

"Bye."

Part 6.

Ninth year of the Vazer campaign

Thera sat in her cell, the cold of its walls seemed to be infinite, it made sitting with her back against it, awaiting her possible execution all the more annoying.

She perked her ears, distinctive metal footsteps were approaching. She could imagine his gait and posture. Suya's clipped voice came from outside the cell. "He ordered the guards to let him in.

The cell door swung forward and Suya entered. Thera almost flinched, he was stony faced, giving off an air she had only seen on the battle, or once when there had been a serious supply delay, that had forced him to retreat. Why had she been expecting the relaxed look he had when they were alone, after what she did?

"Leave us." Suya ordered the guards. They left with a clanking of armour, fading into the distance. They were truly alone now, if there was any change in his face or stance, Thera couldn't notice it.

He walked to the other side of the cell, and sat down on the cell bench that faced hers. "I heard what happened, but why it happened is mixed up with rumors and bias."

"You came to hear the truth?"

"Your version of it." Suya said.

Thera fidgeted. She found it hard to look him in the face. After all he had said to her, she expected him to be happy.

"It was nearing my father's curfew, and he had skipped it the last few nights so I was going to make sure he went back on time. I found him near the campfires, he was sitting by one on his own. There were a lot of bottles around him." Thera was surprised how little her voice cracked.

"I called to him, but he didn't respond. I went up to him, preparing to carry him home..."

"And then?" Suya encouraged. Thera lifted up her shirt, exposing her stomach. A long bloody stitch crossed it.

"He roared and stabbed me. Pulled a knife from no where and started swinging, he cut me. It had been so long since he even dared to throw a punch. I kind of forgot that I needed to be on guard around him."

"Then what happened?"

Thera sighed, if she was going to start crying at any point, ow was it. "I killed him. I didn't think I could get him to calm down, or know if he was going to strike out at anyone else. I took my ow knife out and stabbed his throat." Thera waited, nothing.

Suya was silent, digesting the information. "Well, that's more or less what I'd heard from anyone else."

"Can I know what the other stories were?" Thera asked.

Suya shrugged. "One was that you had a hidden knife and stabbed your father first, triggering his response. Another was that you whispered into his ear, saying something about hating him or calling him a failure. Most are just rumors stemming from nothing."

"Stings a little." Thera admitted. "I know I haven't been social, but I fought as well as any other soldier. I didn't think anyone would start rumors about me."

"Its less that they started because they hate you, and more that people need something to talk about. The war's getting boring. We're close to winning, but haven't made any meaningful victories since we pushed into the Vazer's land. Only some is meant to be malicious towards you, and that's from the people who've hated you from the start and don't want to have to reevaluate their feelings."

"Ah. That's a comfort then." Thera said. She swallowed, working up the courage. "Am I in trouble?"

"Not really. Despite the rumors, its an open and shut self defense case. You didn't break our deal either, because you didn't hurt anyone important in the war camp. This arrest was more a formality than anything that needed to be done. Have the guards treated you well?"

"Well enough." She sighed, half relieved, and half out of anticipation at what was going to come next. "I know we've talked the subject to death, but can we talk about my father? Its just I don't want to be distracted by these thoughts in combat."

"Alright. Get the most pressing question out of the way. How do you feel now?"

"Mostly fine, just tired. I can't tell if that's because I really didn't care about my father or the weight of what I did isn't hitting me right now."

"So you're saying you're not sad that you killed your father? That he's dead?" There was a bit more accusation than Suya had meant in those words.

"No. I think if my dad hadn't snapped, and just waited until the en of the war, we would have drifted apart. You see, I didn't get him before his curfew because I wanted him to be home safe. I did it because if he stayed out and the guards would have to go find him to make sure he hadn't escaped, that would have reflected badly on me. We were already drifting, its just that we didn't have to part in these terms."

Suya stroked his chin. "Your father was going to be jailed at the end of the war, you wouldn't have visited him?"

That wasn't what Thera had said but, "No." She said.

Suya sat back and crossed his arms. "If that's the case, then maybe its good things ended like this, now you don't have to worry about your father."

"Because I murdered him."

"Yes."

Suya stood up and went to the door of the cell. He opened it, and held it for Thera. Thera didn't move for her seat.

"Are you not coming?" Suya said, half joking.

"You know," Thera said, "During the killing, I didn't feel anything. Maybe I tricked myself into thinking it was the battlefield, or I was just thinking of my father as the enemy."

Suya waited for Thera to make whatever point she was making.

"I felt nothing, nothing for my father. But now, hearing you talk the same shit you've always talked about him, especially now...I think this is the first time I've been angry all day."

Suya narrowed his eyes. "Why?"

"Because you're doing the same shit you've always done. I can't remember a single conversation we've had recently where you haven't made some snide comment about my father to me. Claiming he's worthless, a waste of space. You take great enjoyment from making fun of him don't you?"

Suya stepped back into the cell, closing the door behind him, and once again sat down on the opposite bench. "Yes, I take great enjoyment out of mocking your father. Because he is a man who deserves to be mocked. He killed, maimed, and ruined hundreds of people, and he strutted around as though he was a god. Everyday I saw that cur looking dejected was a good day, and I have had many good days since his capture. Your father was no good man, Thera. And before you ask, I will never apologize for how your father was treated. But, most importantly, if I knew before these comments were making you upset, if you had told me about them, I would have stopped."

"I have to ask you not to insult my father. I have to tell you to stop mocking the man who raised me?"

Suya's face wrenched up, he leaned forward and opened his mouth as if to scream, then his eyes went wide. He looked startled. Thera's eyes darted around the room to see if it was something her that made him make that face. Suya placed a hand to his shaking head. He coughed and said in a near whisper. "I cannot read your mind Thera. I won't know your feelings unless you tell me them."

Perhaps he had been about to say something worse, before he caught himself. He was mad, furious, but trying to rein himself in. Was he scared of losing her support, or something else? If he was trying, Thera would try too.

"Fair enough." she choked out. "I didn't tell you I was upset, an I think I should be sorry for that, but I'm not. And I can't for the life of me, describe why. I don't know why I'm more mad at you for criticizing him, and not more mad because he actually attacked me. But, that doesn't change the fact that I am mad at you, and have been for some time."

Suya's expression wasn't something she hadn't seen for a very long time. "I don't know if this is my place to say, but that fact does hurt me."

"No, you're fine. I think. I- this does not make sense. I know it doesn't. You treated me better than Altan ever could have. I believe this, I want you to know this. But, out of the two of you, the only one I'm angry at is you."

Suya fidgeted in his seat, uncrossing his arms and recrossing them. He glanced down at the floor as he asked, "Why?"

"Maybe its because I thought you were better."

"Understandable."

"Sir." Thera said sharply.

"Sorry, go on."

Thera sighed in exasperation. "Shit like that. I expected you to be better than my father." What she said next was a risk but she truly wanted him to understand what she felt. "I think, in the later years, I saw you as a replacement for him. I got so used to getting my validation from you that I stopped caring about Altan, and giving him the chances to do that."

Suya looked shocked "He struck you, he abused you, why would you give him the chance-"

"Cause maybe if I did I he would have wasted those chances and I would have really been able to cut him off, instead of keeping him stuck here where he rotted away until he was barely a person anymore. I don't want a relationship with my father, but I can't stop thinking it would have been better if he went to prison. He would still be alive."

"I didn't, never meant to," he coughed. "It was never my intention to replace your father. I didn't believe that was our relationship."

"What was it to you?"

"I thought it was as you said. That I was your mentor, and you my ward. I understand that can resemble a familial bond, but I didn't intend it to have such an impact on you. And myself." He amended.

"I'm your ward." Thera rolled the words around in her head. They didn't feel right, she couldn't think of herself as his ward.

"I crossed a line somewhere, I got too close. Worst of all, I got used to it. That's always been a problem for me. I get so used to one way of living, one way of doing things that I focus on that, and never plan for changes. I did it when I was a bandit, I did it now treating you as my father figure. I forgot all pretenses of being a good person, and I forgot my still living father."

"That seems to be an accurate summary." Suya said. His vice had an edge to ti. "But that doesn't solve our problem. I agree, there has been a breakdown relationship in our relationship, neither of us truly knew what the other thought. How do you want to address this?"

"What was the point of me being your ward again?"

I... To use your implants and make you into a soldier that could be useful against the Vazers. To see if we could make you loyal and if you could be taught to follow the rules. Our deal helped that."

"Have I become what you wanted me to be?"

Suya hesitated. "Yes, and much greater."

Thera swallowed her spit, forcing it down her suddenly tight throat. "Then there's no point in me being your ward." Both of them were silent. Tears came to Thera's eyes. "My dad's dead, so we can cut him out of the deal. I want to end our deal early, and go into the military."

"You can't."

"Why?" Thera almost screamed the word. Thera had given up all pretenses of stoicism, now openly weeping. She didn't want to be doing this, but her dumb fucking brain was telling her it was for the best. Suya's hard face had given way to a softer expression, more vulnerable. His face was screwed up in thought, in contrast to his calm thinking face.

"Command isn't happy with how the war's going. They've been blaming me for that, because of the losses on the battlefield, and if you go into the common ranks they might try and get at you. I don't want to subject you to that."

"If they try and mess with me, I'll fight back."

"You will, and they'll fight even harder. You won't survive." H paused "Kali would take you."

"She hates me."

"She's ambivalent. She knows about our deal, she knows you've been keeping to it and improving yourself. And if there were rumors of you being violent she could quash them, by showing how she'd keep you in line. It makes sense to send you to her, but...I don't want to lose you."

"I can't stay here. It's not healthy for either of us."

"That's true." Suya stood up, and Thera stood with him. She stepped forward, Suya tensed from years of instincts, of being taken unaware by surprise attacks. Thera wrapped her arms around his armour and squeezed. Oh, a hug.

Suya wrapped his arms around her and hugged back.

"I'm sorry," Thera said. Her breaking voice muffled by how hard she was pressing to the armour.

Suya raised an arm wrapped with armour and stroked her hair. "I understand."