“Left foot! Right foot!
This bird is covered in soot.
Bright day! Hot day!
Greg’s been walking all the way.
Waddle left! Waddle right!
Push forward with all my might.
Why feathers? Fly feathers!
Walking sucks in the weathers.
Left leg! Right leg!
Time is starting to drag.
What hate? My hate!
Screw this song I am irate!”
Greg collapsed to the ground in melodrama. He had set off on his grand journey many hours ago, but honestly, what task was worth all this extreme pain and horror? His eyes wandered to the ziplock bag. The crime! Of course, how could he forget!
Greg needed to find a witness! Needed to question them. For that… he shook his head in sadness. He must waddle ever forwards.
Unless…
Greg accelerated, first to quarter speed, then half. Once he was at full waddle, he spread his great wings and jumped, flapping with all his might! The slightest lift occurred. He felt the air brushing through his short feathers. Flight! Oh, glorious-
Crashing into the ground was moderately painful, but Greg had a tough skull. He could take it!
With a sigh, the bird began belting a new tune.
“Left! Right!
A grounded goose is a plight!
Light! Bright!
Life ain’t… aight?”
Woeful rhymes, even Greg’s goose brain could understand he wasn’t much of a lyricist.
“Anything else to do?” He honked in the lonely golden field. He’d play I spy, but he didn’t have a partner.
Wait.
“Hey, voice person! Were you real or a figment of my imagination?” Greg asked the voice in his head that was definitely an imaginary coping mechanism.
‘I’m… I’m a coping mechanism.’ The voice sounded almost in disbelief.
“You don’t seem entirely sure.”
‘No, I know I’m not real. That doesn’t make sense!’
Greg would’ve raised his eyebrows if he had any. “How so?”
‘How can I be thinking if I’m just a voice in your head?’
The goose thought for a moment, then nodded with confidence. “Because I’m an extraordinarily emotionally developed person to the point that my imaginary friend has acquired sentience.”
‘...’
“Errrr, why did you just whisper ‘Triple dot indicating intense emotional turmoil’?’”
‘I didn’t know if you’d pick up on the undertone if I just went silent.’
“Of course I would!” Greg found himself mightily offended. “What kind of bird do you take me for?”
Greg waited a moment for an answer, then ten, then either many moments or just one really long one as he tried to parse the length of such an uncertain measurement. All this pondering happened while he waited.
And waited.
More wait-
‘Dot. Dot. Dot.’
“Oooooooooh” The bird let out a noise of epiphany. “It is tough to tell when you can’t actually see a person! Would you like to play I spy?”
After receiving a creative suggestion involving goats, Greg found himself back at the drawing board.
“I suppose I could work on my interrogation lines….” He thought aloud. Better to be prepared in case he discovers a suspect. He would need to give off an air of calm professionalism. Stern, yet fair.
“Hello, good sir/madam! I am…” He checked his leg. It’d been quite some time since Greg had seen his name. “Detective Greg, and I am very pleased to meet you! Did you just groom your feathers/fur/fleshy bits because you look fantastic today! No, well, I just have some quick questions about a crime. Did you happen to-”
------
“MURDER AN INNOCENT GOOSE!?! She was just standing there, looking beautiful. Amazing, the picture of innocent life on earth!” He stared into the suspect’s eyes. “And you were there… I know it, you know it, the whole pasture knows it. By the rivers and skies, confess your guilt!” Greg glared at the hardened criminal, a beastly being not even fazed by his questioning.
A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.
“Oh, I know what you’re going to say.” Greg’s honks became high pitched, adopting a falsetto tone. “Of course I didn’t Greg, I’m a creature of peace. All I do is graze! why would I harm such a beautiful creature….” His honks normalized. “But I’ll let you in on a little secret miss, I know what you are. A grounded slob, anchored to this prison of a world.” Greg raised a wing indicating the sterling deduction. “Jealous you hired those filthy foxes, forced them even. How could they resist your massive… girth!”
The suspect remained silent. A cool cucumber. Greg decided to play his gambit.
“So I ask If you didn’t do the crime, who did? Miss, I give you an ultimatum. Point me in the direction of the murderer and absolve yourself. Else you will face the full extent of the law! What say you, fiend!”
The silence stretched uncomfortably long. Greg leaned his head in and spread his wings, doing his best to intimidate the young woman who seemed so resolved. Finally, his pressure broke the unbreakable. The suspect spoke.
“Mooo?” The cow responded in a foreign language, much to Greg’s vexation.
“Can you repeat that in goose, please?” He asked, trying to be patient.
“Mooo?”
“Goose, the language of the heavens! Did you seriously never study this in cow college? With such a lack of ambition, you’ll be pumping out milk for the rest of your life, young lady! What did your parents teach you!”
“Mooo?”
“For the last time! I don’t speak cow!” Greg’s head came perilously close to the beast. Her mouth opened, and she gave him a large, hearty, lick on the head. She then turned and slowly trundled on.
The damp faced Greg sighed. Another dead end-
Wait!
Greg ran as fast as his horribly tired and short legs could. Ages ago, the man who had given him the bag taught Greg the importance of nonverbal communication! This cow had licked him, marked him with her precious saliva! Ergo, he needed to follow! A genius cow! She had figured out how to communicate without help.
Catching up, he jumped onto her back, as there was no way he’d walk when given another option. Properly motivated (Or simply scared shitless.) Miss Cow started running at a good pace towards their destination, the murderers.
Or perhaps just destiny.
-----
They reached a square pond, a dugout. Miss Cow went up and took a drink.
“Uhhh…” Greg scanned the scene. There were lush green trees that provided shade and cover, bushes with …berries!?! Greg started shaking in anticipation!
Focus!
Right, the case. The bird shook his head. There didn’t seem to be any foxes around the man made pond. Did the cow take a detour? Was there some sort of miscommunication?
He was about to give her a solid peck when he saw a glorious site across the dugout. A lone dot of grey and white.
Could it be…?
He launched off the cow, splashing into the water. He swam his little heart out, ignoring the ache in his tired legs.
Pain did not measure up to the beauty before him.
“HEY GIRL, WHAT’S UP!” Greg honked the poetic words of his time.
“?” A surprised reply.
“I’M GREG! A GOOSE! IT’S AMAZING TO MEET YOU!” He remained calm and cool, with an aura of restrained mystique. She turned to him and tilted her head with curiosity in her beady goose eyes.
Alright, Greg! Time to use a pickup line!
“I FORMALLY DECLARE UNDYING LOVE UNTIL THE END OF THE UNIVERSE. DO YOU ACCEPT?!?”
Silence, her beady eyes blinked once, then twice. Greg’s heart fell with each thump it remained unanswered, finally--
“Mate?” She responded.
“Yes!” Greg replied enthusiastically!
He swam up, rubbing against her side, his neck curled up around hers. Happiness filled him. Tomorrow he could continue the case, for now, though?
True love waited for nothing.