In the interest of full disclosure, here is a partial transcript of the video that infuriated Elana Bancroft so much:
[Generic instrumental music plays. A series of images flash on the screen. A male knight in improbable armor. A female warrior in even more improbable armor; subtsantially less in fact. The following words appear on the screen:]
Switching to Glide
Video Game Reviews and Analysis
The Occasional Bad Movie Review
Aimless Rambling
Fully Anonymous
[Screen Briefly Flickers and the Wording Changes]
Episode 48: Torrie’s Castle - Where Bob the Builder Meets the Care Bears, and we all lose
SwitchingToGlide is the name, and RPGs are my game. And boy howdy do we have a turd blossom to step in this week. Torrie’s Castle. Single player campaign, with rumored multi-player coming. Hopefully it is on the horizon. As in that point that constantly recedes as you approach it. The one you never reach. Unless you’re a Care Bear hugging filthy casual, I guess.
Everything about this is just awful and seemingly designed to set a gamer’s teeth on edge. For those of you who saw my Twitch stream of this game, feel free to NOT repeat the colorful language I used therein in the comment section of this video. I try to keep YouTube bit more on the family friendly side, as it were. And go perhaps just a wee bit overboard on Twitch. Just a bit.
[On screen a young girl approaches a clearing, in the center of which is a larger than life apple tree, containing — no surprise — larger than life apples. She touches one, and it spawns a shield, slowly turning inside out and from apple to shield. She touches another apple and this one spawns a book, using the same transformational graphic. She touches a third apple and, uh-oh, this one turns into a worm. A cartoonish looking rather fat worm, but one with two pincers at the front. The girl holds the book up over her head and a beam of light shoots from it, skewering the worm, which vanishes.
A series of words appear on the screen:
Torrie’s Castle: Build, Co-operate, Survive and Grow Together]
I mean, with that as the trailer, my expectations were not high, but wow did this slither underneath even those.
Gaah. Look.
[The young girl has now built a log cabin, one with an improbably large stone fireplace and a sturdy, solid door with an iron frame, iron supports and a nice porch. The apple tree referenced in the opening scene is clearly visible through a window. Torrie — the young girl in question — is cooking some sort of stew in an iron pot over a small fire. There’s a knock at the door. An on-screen prompt asks if you wish to answer/inquire/ignore the knock. You answer. At the door is an old woman with a staff accompanied by a small dog and an absurdly large cat.
“Congratulations on surviving a week in the Secret Forest. I am Martana, the guide here to help you further grow your Castle, expand your Magic and help attract companions. And fulfill your destiny as you build your castle. The Horde is coming, dearie.]
Sigh. Yes, they really went there. The Secret Forest. [Here the audio is interrupted by a loud burst of laughter.] And getting to this point was every bit as banal and tedious as you’d expect. Mean ol’ worms interrupting your farming. Magical system as hard to figure out as opening the average box of cereal. Dialog as predictable as sunrise.
The frustrating part being the graphics, the rendering, the transitions, the frame rate, all of that? Superb. Kudos to the programming team. But it is like drinking powdered lemonade out of a fine wine glass.
[Two more scenes - with equally snarky commentary - follow. Omitted for the sake of brevity.]
[Our hero Torrie appears on the parapet of a castle that would have made Sir Walter Scott proud. She is wearing a gorgeous white gown, and leaning over the balustrade. An old man with a white walrus mustache appears before her, and kneels.
“My Queen, the Horde approaches. What are your orders?”
A series of options appears:
Do you wish to close the gates?
Do you wish to order an evacuation of the village?
Do you wish to flee?]
I got to this point, and I was like, hot damn. FINALLY. FINALLY A POINT TO ALL THIS. A final boss, a final battle, FINALLY something of interest. And, NOPE! SPOILER ALERT! THEY MEET. And talk. And talk. And talk. And…SPOILER ALERT! Nobody dies! Nobody even fights, try how you might! The “Horde” settles down as… get this…FARMERS.
Normally I don’t do spoilers, but here? For this? What? Why? What even is this?
So, there you have it. Download this turd from the usual suspects, for PC and console. No mobile version yet, but presumably that’s coming as it is about the level this rubbish story deserves.
Unauthorized duplication: this tale has been taken without consent. Report sightings.
Which brings me to my larger and final point. Strap yourselves in, STG-ers, ‘cuz I’m about to climb on my soap box and let it rip. As per usual on YouTube channel, there will no cursing. But man, oh, man is that gonna be difficult. Grrrr. Yeah, my no potty mouth guarantee holds. But barely.
First off, let’s talk about the Dev Team, the people behind IceNine Games. Ha! No, let’s not. Let’s talk about the money pot for this one. Yeah, let’s talk about Elana Bancroft. Do I get accused of gatekeeeping? Yup. Typically unfairly. Well in her case, I’m gonna keep gates. And lock ‘em tight against the barbarian horde in high heels looking for entrée. Nope, nope, nope. Just kidding. Make the damn games you want, and I’ll snark away like the madman I am. Every time I hate on a game I do nothing but gain subs.
Anyhoo, Elana Bancroft? Daughter of a self-made billionaire, world-renowned scientist daddy on the one hand, daughter of the inherited millions of mommy’s ancestors on the other. Yeah, she ain’t worried about making the rent. Two silver spoons permanently adhereed to the insider of her mouth. But, if this is gonna be her studio’s output, well, she should consider sticking to shopping for shoes with her girlfriends.
This is just awful. As noted above. I sincerely doubt she has the skill, talent or knowledge to make an RPG or ARPG worth playing.
[And so on. You get the idea.]
[Same Opening as Game Review - You Get the Point…until]
[Screen Briefly Flickers and the Wording Changes]
Important Announcement - Channel Going on Brief Hiatus
[Disembodied voice speaking over gameplay of an Arena Shooter]
SwitchingToGlide is the name, and RPGs are my game. Just not, well, for the next three weeks. I’m afraid pressures at my work — yes, that horrible real world, even I need to heed it — are gonna knock out my production schedule for what looks like a little over the next two weeks. After which time I will be back on the clock, cranking out videos, but there will be a slight delay before anything gets posted, so I’m giving myself three weeks for this hiatus.
[Spawning in as what appears to be a US Marine circa 1943, except that by scale would be at least eight feet tall, except wielding an absurdly large bright yellow assault weapon that would never have passed Pentagon review, except wearing bright red rocket boots, GameTag SwitchingToGlide stomps toward the sound of battle.]
Missing my content? Go for a walk. Read a book. Re-connect with your girlfriend. Ha ha, just kidding, we know nobody watching this has one of those, given that my YouTube demographic is eighty seven percent male last I looked, forty percent between the age of 18 to 29, thirty percent from 30 to 45 and and an astonishing 25 percent over that age. Forty five percent white, thirty percent Asian, ten percent African-American, fifteen percent unclear. Sixty five percent US and Canada, which doesn’t surprise me, ten percent UK and Ireland — a hello to my friends across the pond — ten percent Brazil — which, yes, still astonishes the heck out of me, but Bom dia, Boa tarde, Boa noite to my friends there — and fifteen percent elsewhere.
[GameTag SwitchingToGlide sneaks up behind what appears to be a bright pink minotaur holding a giant umbrella and opens fire. The minotaur turns and attempts to open and raise the umbrella to block the incoming hail of bullets. But fails.
SwitchingToGlide has killed BastianBalthazarBux
Flashes in the message section. The minotaur falls dramatically to its death and vanishes after a few seconds. GameTag SwitchingToGlide reloads and moves on.]
And as you can see, the special project I’m working on is doubtless going to be taking up most of the grey matter inside my head, though a few of the details are in fact yet to be revealed. So, when I’m gaming I’ll be joining our intellectually challenged friends pew-pewing away at each other on console rather than trying to figure where or how so-and-so a character fits into Campbell’s Hero’s Journey.
[GameTag SwitchingToGlide enters the ruins of a castle and crouches down behind a wall. Before him holding a staff is an absurdly proportioned female, unclothed more than clothed but with the truly vital bits covered, presumably a sorceress of some sort, spawning in sparrow after sparrow. If sparrows were purple. If sparrows had a murderous gleam in their red eyes. GameTag SwitchingToGlide pops up from behind the wall and unloads a full clip. Alas for him the bullets bounce harmlessly off a shield of some sort. The flock of birds, now numbering at least thirty, follow the direction of their mistresses’ staff and flow seamlessly toward our hero, who in short order has been rendered into bloodly mess, pecked to death.
PrincessPowerGoGoGo has killed SwitchingToGlide
Follows in the message section. After a brief flash on the screen, the character respawns in what can only be described as an American ice cream shop, circa 1956, except of a scale to accommodate the hundreds of accounts loitering therein. Earth Angel by the Penguins plays on the Wurlitzer Juke Box and over the sound system, though gameplay sound is muted in the video, alas.
Three Minutes to Launch
Shows as a message]
And, no, there will be no “face reveal” should I ever hit that magical one hundred thousand subscriber mark. Sorry, that just isn’t how I roll. Just want to quash that rumor up-front, so nobody’s disappointed. No clue how that one got started, but it definitely wasn’t by me. Trust me, you ain’t missing much. Like the man said in the old days, I have a face made for radio.
On a serious note, if any of you guys want to do something worthwhile, check out The Roll Up Kingdom, as I reviewed in Episode 50. I am seriously in love with game. Nothing like MC Escher in an MMORG to get my motor running. Yes, the graphics are probably not what we all expect these days, but wow, such an innovative take on guild formation, base building, technology and a magic system. Once things in my life get a bit more settled I fully expect to spend far more time in that game than is healthy for me. I’ll be stocking up on Sour Cream and Onion potato chips and Diet 7Up and looking forward to it.
On an even more serious note, be sure to Like, Subscribe and hit the Notification bell. Helps me, helps the channel, helps everybody. Didn’t like my content? Off with you to play BattleBulletHell, then, as I will doubtless be doing for the next few weeks. And should anyone care to do so, a full transcript, possibly with a bit more in the way of explanatory detail, will be up on my blog at SwitchingToGlide.WordPress.com. But I’m sure you all knew that.
Anyhoo, SwitchingToGlide, Out!
Video ends.
[As the final element of our little interlude, we provide for your enlightenment the one element of Aidan’s life Elana & Co. Did NOT manage to unearth. Namely, his adherence to the philosophy as espoused in The Rule of One: Manhood in the Twenty-First Century. And his participation in a private, invitation only message board associated with said school of thought. This was one pseudonymous ID he always made sure to proxy out from, to cover his tracks and to associate with no other ID of any kind. Notably, the RuleOfOne.pl site no longer exists, and this message was a recovered archive.]
[Posting as StandBackFromItAll]
Thread Title: Taken Out of the Garden…Hopefully for a Short While
Brothers:
My quiet peaceful life was intruded upon today, and potentially turned upside down. Yes, the offending event was largely caused by a female, but occurred strictly in a professional domain, and as a mea culpa I must admit I did act in a way likely to provoke a reaction. In any event, I am now saddled with a two week project that is going to push me out of my normal life and into a bit of a strange situation. My sense is, given the nature and quality of the industry I am pursuing this project, I am going to be largely surrounded by males, but I am at present unsure.
The principal of this business is female, however. And is a rather strong-willed domineering one for all that. I apologize that I cannot be any more specific in the terms of engagement, but, eh, I am a private person and on balance simply wish to be left alone.
One issue that arose: this woman and her employees/followers were savvy enough to track me back from another pseudonymous ID I use, in a wholly different context from this one, to my real life. I see no evidence this particular ID has been compromised, but any additional advice offered in terms of security would be greatly appreciated. The compromised ID was a public one, and within a certain sphere arguably both very public and reasonably well-known. Had they compromised this ID I have no doubt it would have been thrown in my face. Subtlety is not a trait of the principles involved.
Any help, guidance or good wishes anyone wishes to send my way would be most appreciated. Grateful thanks in advance.
Notable responses:
[Posting as StreetSanctuary]
Wouldn’t worry too much, even with the the business of the pseudonymous ID. I’m guessing Reddit or maybe YouTube, given how you described them. Those are far too easily compromised, and unlike this place nowhere near as locked down. Just keep your head down, your mouth shut and get on with it. Sounds like it is short-term.
[Posting as GreyOverlord]
Never, ever, ever act in a way to provoke a reaction from a woman. Never! Cool indifference at all times and in all ways. Sounds like you’ve learned that lesson. Go back and read Chapter Four of The Rule of One now. Fitting homework.
[Posting as GlacierTree]
I’m not as sanguine as my brothers in the preceding. Sounds like you're heading into some dangerous waters and need to be careful. Post here often — and for God’s sake don’t forget to proxy on your way in. Women are by their very nature nosy, and once they sink their hooks into you will keep digging to a degree no man would truly imagine. Until you bore her, of course.