Yes, I’m aware you’re here for an epic tale of rogue AI, genderswapped romance, plain vanilla Harlequin romance novel style romance, annoying sidekicks, elves obsessed with racial purity and feces eating golems. Also existential threats to the real world in which we all live, which may or may have passed. And yes, I am skeptical, despite the solemn assurances from every government agency with three letter acronyms to slap together as well as Doctor Bancroft that we are now safe. Sorry, but if you’d been through what I’ve been through, you’d be skeptical, too. DAVIS is many things, but a quitter isn’t one of them. And, no, I will not use the past tense in reference to DAVIS.

Well, too bad.

This saga begins, with me as your bargain basement combination Odysseus/Homer, in the run-down conference room of my former employer, Central City Payroll Services, LLC. Hardly an auspicious beginning, but given what followed doubtless an appropriate one. And instead of singing of the Wrath of Achilles, let us open with the Rage of Elana. And, boy, from what I was later told I’d managed to push every damn button she had, and perhaps managed to manufacture some from whole cloth. And, no, I will not sing. That I will spare you.

“Maybe I should go shopping for shoes with my girlfriends?” Ever hear the expression a piercing voice? This was it, except it was more like an armor-piercing one.

“2:12 into the video, that bit was.”

“And I bet you laughed. In fact, I’m certain you did.”

“Not denying it. Our boy SwitchingToGlide over here does do snark well. Nobody can deny that.”

“Ms. Bancroft, Mr. Foyle, I’m not quite sure I understand …”

“Ms. Rogers, my employer and my associate have a rather unique method of expressing themselves, but trust me that we are sincere in seeking to utilize…”

“I mean, I am the daughter of a self-made billionaire and an old-money millionaire. I do have not just one but ‘two silver spoons PERMANENTLY ADHERED TO MY MOUTH,’ and doubtless ‘simply do not understand what makes an RPG or ARPG worth playing.’”

“Ha ha, that was the best! 4:53 that was. Bet your face was as red as your hair when you heard it.“

“Ms. Bancroft, at Central City Payroll Services we have a service plan to suit any employer’s needs. I’m sure we can offer you a high level of service at a reasonable price. And since you did specifically request Aidan as your Primary Contact in our telephone consultation, you’ve doubtless heard good things about both him and this firm.”

“Yeah, good things,” Elana snorted.

And all eyes turned to me.

I realize the above conversation is doubtless confusing, but too bad. Trust me, as it unfolded it began for me in confusion and ended in a sort of dawning, waking nightmare sense of horror. My life as a YouTuber had somehow managed to infiltrate my real existence. In any event, let me now enlighten all and sundry as to the Cast of Characters in what would be for me a meeting to remember.

Elana Bancroft you most certainly know. Those who didn’t before what happened , well they do now. I think it is safe to say that at this point she must be one of the mostly widely recognized faces on the planet. As she noted, or well as I noted and she quoted, daughter of a self-made billionaire and an old money straight off the Mayflower millionaire. A fiery mane of red hair, pale skin and, yes, a metaphorical fire in her green eyes. Maybe an inch or two too short to strut down the catwalk as a high fashion model, but otherwise the sort of young woman that every eye turns toward when she enters a room. And believe me she knew it. And played it for all it is worth. Oh, and of course also President, CEO and sole shareholder of IceNine Games, Inc. But that I’m sure you also knew.

Mr Timestamp? Of 2:12 and 4:53 fame, the one not denying laughing at snark directed at his employer? That would be Joseph Spencer, who I later found out was the lead programmer and liaison with Bancroft Industries, Inc. With the then very secret special sauce for their next game. Eiditic memory. Dual undergraduate degrees in Mathematics and Physics. Dressed in a Los Angeles Lakers hoodie, jeans and, incongruously, penny loafers. Some sins cannot be forgiven. Obviously British and obviously not from the sort of background that would have him rubbing elbows with royals. High IQ and Oi, mate vocabulary. I guess it made him easy to underestimate.

And the one attempting to inject a bit of professionalism into the conversation, that was Jason Hong, In-House Counsel. Everything about him was trying to scream respectable attorney, and everything was failing. Nice suit, nicely shined wing-tips, a haircut doubtless done by somebody named Pierre and for a price approaching three figures. But, too bad. He in fact looked like a little boy playing dress up in daddy’s suit, something appropriate for Halloween. Too young, or at any rate too young looking.

And poor, poor, confused Janine. Completely mystified at what was unfolding before her. As in my boss, Janine Rogers. By far the oldest person at the table, the one eagerly offering our services as opposed to going down the street to one of our far larger rivals, yeah that was Janine. Baby boomer Janine, but one of the unfortunate Baby Boomers who emerged into the world a finger’s breadth from the even more annoying Generation X, who was in diapers for Woodstock, who spent the 1980s spraying her hair full of ozone destroying chemicals and cast her first presidential vote for Reagan. Republican sensibilities aside, favoring Hillary style pants suits and helmet hair, desperately attempting to cover the grey hair with so-so results via a so-so dye job. Doubtless gazing with horror into the prospect of an underfunded retirement.

And me. Looking — okay, desperately seeking — to make my escape. But there would be no escape for me. Not this day.

And me. Aidan Petersen. Twentysomething. Under-employed. Underachieving. Fortunately able to support himself (marginally) for all that. But keeping his fingers crossed his customer service job didn’t get outsourced to India or China or the dark side of the moon. Hoping his health insurance premiums didn’t go up another ghastly amount. Looking for a roommate to replace the one that had abandoned me to the vagaries of a year long lease on two bedroom apartment that I could barely afford when split. Just under six feet tall, but lying cheerfully about that missing inch or so when asked. Unremarkable blond hair, washed out blue eyes, the sort of guy you’d pass over in a crowd without a second look.

And me. SwitchingToGlide. YouTuber. Twitch streamer. My superhero identity, if you will, since in defiance of current convention I never showed my face, never sought product endorsements, never responded directly to requests I review games or even accepted review copies. And always flew solo. But, donations cheerfully accepted. And those sadly diminished advertising dollars? Can’t say as I turned them down, either. Piddling an amount that they were.

And, no, nobody in my life or out of it was supposed to be able to connect the dots from Aidan to SwitchingToGlide, if you hadn’t already realized this. And not only had they, the connection was being made quite publicly. And worst of all, at my place of employment.

Did I say worst of all? Sorry for jumping the gun. This is, after all, before Elana took out her phone held it in her manicured hand and started reading. And for all my horror, annoyance and embarrassment, even I must concede she did a better than average imitation of my voice as I tone it when speaking to my 83,000 subscribers.

“SwitchingToGlide is the name, and RPGs are my game. And boy howdy do we have turd blossom to step in this week. Torrie’s Castle. Single player campaign, with rumored multi-player coming. Hopefully it is on the horizon. As in that point that constantly recedes as you approach it. The one you never reach. Unless you’re a Care Bear hugging filty casual, I guess. Everything about this is just awful and seemingly designed to set a gamer’s teeth on edge…”

“Ms. Bancroft? Is there something I’m missing here?” This from Janine, my erstwhile employer. And, yes, I have always wanted to work “erstwhile” into a sentence somewhere, and by this point I was beginning to think all my whiles were indeed about to erst-ed, at least as far as employment at Central City Payroll Processing, LLC, was concerned. And, also yes, as she was saying Elana, she was looking at me.

Here Jason Hong jumped in, saving me from, well, probably a great many things, none good. And proving himself every bit the negotiator belied by his appearance.

“Ms. Rogers, I apologize for the confusion here, IceNine Games is after all something of a start up and Elana has had a great deal on her mind lately. This is why we’re here today, seeking out your services. I’ve reviewed your standard engagement letter, printed it, signed it as a representative of our company and have already forwarded the first payment to your bank account. Our payroll and HR records necessary for things like correct tax withholding will be forwarded as soon as you’re ready to receive them.”

This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.

Here he handed the paperwork over to Janine, and cleared his throat.

“As a start up, we also have a need for outside consultants and would like to engage Aidan in that role. Specifically we would need him every evening beginning two days from now, on Wednesday, and for the next two weeks from Nine PM until Midnight. We would also need him physically at our office tomorrow, Tuesday, and Wedneday for certain tasks. I realize this is slightly irregular, and we would be happy to reimburse you an amount for the inconvenience this would potentially cause. We will necessarily need a signature on a non-disclosure agreement both from you and from Aidan, given the nature of the consultancy. And, of course, here is the fee that would accompany this engagement. Aidan will be available for his regular duties during the day beginning Thursday morning, and every day during the period we will require him for three hours a night.”

Here Jason handed Janine a check. Her mouth opened and closed. And opened again.

“And, yes, that is a bank check. The funds have been set aside, so there should be no worry as to it clearing. Note that the NDA we are having you sign does have one unique feature: we are requesting that you do not inquire of Aidan the work he will be performing. I promise you it is nothing that is illegal or that will discredit your firm.”

I am still not quite sure how much Janine received, but I cannot imagine it was an insubstantial amount. At any rate, she signed whatever it was they put in front of her. But, to her credit, she did also stand up for me. Sort of.

“And Aidan?”

“In the agreement you just signed, we state that we will compensate him separately. And, given the confidential nature of our industry, would it be possible if we spoke to him privately for a few minutes?”

Janine, again to her credit, looked a bit uncomfortable. But then glanced at the bank check. And sighed. “I’ll hold onto the agreement and the check while you meet. Should you guys and Aidan not be able to come to terms, I’ll shred both. Fair enough? Aidan, you okay with this?”

“Ha, they can’t come to terms, she’s gonna shred him, I think,” Joseph snorted with a laugh, before I could reply. Elana smiled at this. Kidding, I hoped.

“I’ll hear what they have to say, and let you know, Janine.”

“We’re gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse,” Joseph put in, Godfather style. Elana raised an eyebrow, and her smile widened turning into whatever it is you’d call a cross between a grin and smirk.

And on that note, Janine left, leaving me at the tender mercies of the trio.

“Thank God the Boomer’s gone, now we can really talk, Mister Aidan ‘SwitchingToGlide’ Peterson. And, yeah, I have more than a few things to say.” Out came her phone and she flipped through the screens.

Much to my surprise, Jason spoke up, adding “Elana is not at all into age discrimination, but her father has been, well, kind of a problem of late. It has kind of soured her on the older generation.”

“Yeah, those pesky ethical concerns,” Joseph joked, “Why’s he not willing to get on board with things?”

“Ah, here we are. Aidan Peterson. Age 27. Bachelor of Science, Business Administration. Qualified as eligible for and sat for the CPA exam, receiving partial credit but not pursuing completion. Last relationship of note over three years ago, has let his friendships from college slip away while forming no new connections of note. Applied for and was accepted into a graduate program in Hospital Administration, but decided not pursue this either. Father is deceased, mother works as school teacher, has two sisters, one older, one younger, only other family is one nephew and one niece. Mother’s brother is the locally famous, or infamous, real estate developer George Hope. Cousin’s wedding in two weeks may very well be the social event of the local season.

“I know I’m going.” Here she smiled, “And if he knows what’s good for him he goddamn better well be coming with an engagement ring.”

“You know my cousin Celeste?,” I blurted out. And if I had any thoughts of pity toward whoever it was that would be, or was supposed to be, presenting this creature an engagement ring, well, I wisely kept them to myself.

Ignoring me, Elana continued, “Employed at Central City Payroll Processing for two years, as one of ten customer service representatives. Generally well liked by his clients, co-workers and employer, if considered a bit stand-offish. In sum, slacker, loner, letting his twenties slide by with minimal engagement with the world around him. Neither attracting attention or seeking it, letting the world pass him by.”

“But that’s not all there is, is there, Aidan? No, we have our super-secret never to be revealed identity as YouTuber extraordinaire SwtichingToGlide, analyzing and reviewing games from single player old school titles like Darkstone to on-line MMORGS like World of Warcraft and the like. In the eighteen months of the channel’s existence, we’ve had seventy five videos put up, of varying quality and obviously of variable effort. Twitch streaming is much more of a hit or miss experience, and is typically confined to GW2 or PoE.

“This is your life, Aidan Peterson, hope you like it.” And, yes, here she rolled her eyes. “Any questions?”

“Well, yeah. A lot. But ignoring the creepy stalking that is borderline to doxing, ignoring you intruding on me in my workplace, ignoring whatever the hell it is you want me to do for you or with you, ignoring my curiosity as to how much you plan on paying me, just one question. One big one. Or, maybe two. First, why? And second, why me? I don’t get it.”

“Yes, I get I can be a little snarky doing my reviews and and analyses. Yes, I get I’ve got a decent following. But, I’m hardly the snarkiest, the most knowledgable or someone who dedicates my life to my on-line persona. And I’m certainly far from the largest channel out there, even in the field of RPG gaming. I’ve got this job. I’ve got, well… I’ve got this job,” I ended. Maybe a bit lamely.

Here Joseph spoke up, “You don’t watch your competition, do you? Or really do much of anything with social media, right?”

“Not normally, no. I just don’t really have the time. Between work, playing games, editing footage, writing the script for each episode, doing reading to try and further my understanding of common elements of most RPGs, I just can’t do it. And when I do try to look at other channels, well, usually it is for games I have not played and probably will not play.”

“So, you’re not aware your content is being stolen?”

“I’m sorry?”

“Other channels, they’re taking your footage, they’re taking your research, hell they’re even quoting your reviews and analysis word for word. You’re the one setting the tone, far more than you think, whether or not you’re aware of it. Or the general audience is.”

“Huh. I was unaware. I just like to do my own thing.”

“Well boys, give him the NDA, have him sign it, give him his marching orders and let’s blow this taco stand,” Elana said and started to rise.

“Wait, but you haven’t answered my questions. Not really.”

“We haven’t? All will be revealed. In the meantime, consider this a downpayment,” and slid a check across the conference room table. Fifty thousand dollars.

“Contingent, of course, upon you signing the NDA and agreeing to act as a consultant for IceNine Games,” Jason added.

“Look would it be okay if I thought this over, like overnight, and got back to you? At a minimum I think I might like a lawyer to explain the terms of this agreement to me,…”

“No. Either sign now, and join us, or we walk. I will say that at the end of the two weeks, that initial deposit? Expect a similiar one. With an extra zero on the end.”

“Jesus. You are serious?”

“As cancer, Aidan.”

What can I say, I signed.

After the team from IceNine Games left I staggered — I can think of no better term — out of the conference room and walked slowly back to my cubicle, collapsed into my chair and kind of stared at the water-stained drop tile ceiling in a haze. What the hell had just happened? I had just agreed to do something, though I was not quite sure what, every evening from Nine PM to Midnight for the next two weeks. Or for the next two weeks, starting in two days.

And before that, to show up at the office of IceNine Games for the next two days, for some sort of, well, Training? Consultation? Who knew?

“You back on the clock, Peterson?” This from Virginia, our office manager, and technically my boss. Stinking of cigarettes, as per usual, huffing with exhaustion from the whole fifteen feet from her slightly larger cubicle to my smaller one.

“Actually, Virginia, I think I need to check in with Janine first, now that I think about it. If that’s okay?” Plus it would give me a few more minutes to help get my head straight.

“Ha, she came out of that meeting looking like she’d just received a marriage proposal from Tom Selleck. And had accepted. What the hell monster client did you two dig up this time?” She jerked her thumb over her shoulder, pointing toward her office.

Made of sterner stuff that I am, Janine was already on the phone and answering questions post-meeting. And as usual it was Metzick Industries and as usual it was the train wreck that was the processing of payroll in the state, or more properly, Commonwealth, of Pennsylvania. When you’re in the business I’m in, Pennsylvania is both your full employment act, and a walking nightmare. Each town as an income tax, many have what they call an Occupational PrivilegeTax and nobody outside the state processing new hires in the state has a clue how to do it right. And, of course, the HR drone who set the employe up was blaming us. Never gladder that that sort of thing was above my pay grade.

She motioned me to sit while on the phone, and once finished rolled her eyes and looked at me.

“Well?”

“I’m in.”

Here she let out a sigh. Of relief or frustration would be difficult to say, but definitely a sigh. “Why don’t you take the rest of today off… oh, wait, you’re going to be out of the office the next two days as well. Hmph. Sit down with Jared, go over any open items or processing concerns you’ve got, get your head straight overnight and head out as soon as soon that's set. And do what you need to do at this Games Studio. I do expect to see you Thursday morning first thing, though. You’ll have a new client to set up, if nothing else.”

“Thanks, boss. But does it have to be Jared?”

“Yes, it does. Keep your personal dramas, personal, Adian. And I’ll see you on Thursday.”

Ugh. Jared Coughlin. The jerk who stiffed me with the apartment lease I couldn’t really afford in the first place. “Bro, its love!” He offered as justification as he moved out and in with his girlfriend. Not that we were great friends before he moved out, but since, well, let’s just say I kept my distance. Fortunately, there was not a great deal to be said to him, the summer being a slow time of the year. Other than to remind him to get the last of his crap out of my apartment.

That done, I let Virginia know what Janine and I had agreed upon, and headed back to my desk. To log out of the software, shut my computer off and get ready for tomorrow. When much to my surprise, my extension buzzed.

“Hey, kid, normally I’d just take a message and tell them to call back on Thursday. But, well, its your mom. Figured you’d want to talk to her.” Oh, God. Mom being, well, Mom.

“Plus one, Aidan. You. And a guest. Presumably a female one. In a week from this Saturday, or in thirteen days. For your cousin’s wedding. You are going to do this. ”

“Mom, Jesus. Leave it be. I’m between relationships.” And was reasonably sure planned to stay that way for the rest of my life, but she didn’t need to know that. It wasn’t even like Carol and I, my one and only serious relationship, had had a difficult break up. We just grew apart. And between work and my YouTube channel I kept as busy as I wanted or needed. Like the old song lyric says, “Why fall in love when there’s better things to do?”

“Between relationships,” she snorted. “No. You’re doing this for me. You’re finding and bringing a date to your cousin’s wedding. Here, talk to your sister.” there was some rustling in their end, and a clunk as the old landline hit what sounded like a table, as Tiffany, my older sister picked up the line.

“Hey bro.”

“Tiff, please talk to her. She’s being totally unreasonable here.”

“She’s a mother. She gets to be unreasonable. I should know, blessed as I am with one girl and one boy. And as her only son, she well, as has some ideas that, yeah, are a tad eccentric, but she means well. And it would mean a lot to her if you showed up at Celeste’s wedding with a date.”

“But…”

“No, buts. Besides it’ll be fun.”

Fun and weddings. Yeah, right. Goes together like peanut butter and battery acid.

“Look, I’m starting a new project and I’m going to be busy for the next few weeks. Very busy. Even if I were interested in searching for a date, and I assure you I am not, I don’t see how I could. I’m sorry.”

“Then you’re gonna disappoint Mom. You wanna do that? I mean, does she ask for all that much from you? Really? Humor her on this, and everyone’s life with go much easier.”

“But…”

“No buts, baby brother.”

And she hung up.