Shawna walked off into the dark and Adlai could feel his chest tighten a little more. That familiar beast of anxiety tried to claw its way out of his gut. A murmur from Averi reminded him why he stayed. He limped unsteadily over to his sister, terrified of what he’d see. Her face was spared from the worst of the burns along with her chest, but her legs took the brunt of the heat.
Her stump was covered in what seemed like one massive burn, and her other leg was covered in blisters.
Averi looked up at Adlai, and fear filled her eyes. “How bad is it?”
Adlai shook his head, his throat closing with emotion. “I’m sorry.” He choked the words out, hiding the tears in his eyes.
“How bad?” Averi’s voice was filled with panic.
Adlai mustered a teary-eyed smile. “Not that bad.”
His sister seemed to relax slightly, sinking a little deeper into her bedroll. Adlai sat next to her, his wounded leg lying awkwardly against the ground. He tousled her hair gently, and she reached out a hand. He grabbed it, and she squeezed it tightly.
Averi’s green eyes stared into him. “It’s not your fault.” She coughed slightly and continued. “Just cause you make the decisions doesn’t mean everything that happens is your fault. You can’t control everything.” Averi jabbed a finger into his chest. “Remember that.”
Adlai nodded slightly, and the two of them sat together. Adlai could see past his sister’s facade. Behind her advice was that same little girl shivering in a dank alleyway. She was hurt. She felt abandoned. His thoughts flew back to Nire and he was reminded of how the researcher could make Averi happy.
That familiar feeling of jealousy rose in his gut and Adlai felt nauseous for a moment. He hadn’t been a good brother. He thought of Alex. He thought of the striders. He thought of the sound Alex’s flesh made when the harpoon ripped through it. He thought of Averi’s horrified gasp. He thought of her muffled sobs as the little comfort she had was ripped away.
Averi tapped his shoulder, staring at his face. “Adlai?”
He jumped slightly, Averi’s voice ripping through his thoughts.
“You had that same look on your face when we lost Shawna.” Concern was clear in her eyes but before she could say something a light appeared in the distance. The bobbing light of the lantern announced Shawna’s arrival long before either of them could see her.
Shawna’s face was filled with confusion, then good-natured disappointment. “Thought I told you not to move around, remember the big hole you have in your leg?”
Adlai felt a smile prickle at the corners of his mouth. “Stretching.”
Shawna rolled her eyes, the soft smile teasing her lips. She dropped three packs filled with food and water.
Averi made a gagging noise, and the two of them turned to look at her.
“What?” She asked, her eyes the picture of innocence.
Adai’s smile only grew, and Shawna sighed dramatically. Averi laid back in her bedroll, triumphant, as the other girl started distributing food and water from the first pack. Nire apparently had quite the stockpile. Averi dug into her meal while Shawna attacked the food a little more strategically. His guts still roiled so he opted to just drink water, the refreshing clear taste washing down his dry throat
Adlai took a moment to look around. It was cold, sure, and the darkness didn’t really add to the cheer, but it was nice. Averi was telling Shawna a story about a tyrant and a queen while the other girl dug into her food. He felt warm inside, if just for a moment. Averi’s animated voice filled the air, Shawna was fully enraptured by it. This was the way things should be. Adlai let the warm feeling take him, his smile growing.
After Averi finished her story, she asked for her prosthetic. Shawna obliged, bringing her the smoke-painted leg. Adlai shuffled over, Shawna shooting him another disapproving look. He sat next to Averi again, looking over her shoulder as she began to fiddle with the straps. It seemed like the metal had gotten hot enough for it to melt part of the straps, and Averi was trying to fix it.
“Could you grab me a rag?” She asked, fully focused on the metal leg.
Adlai nodded, stretching to grab a rag from his pack.
“A knife too?” Averi asked.
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Shawna tossed the knife over, busy counting the supplies they had.
Averi cut the fabric into thin strips, tying them onto where the old straps had melted off. Her tongue stuck out of her mouth slightly as she worked and Shawna chuckled at the sight. Adlai watched as she threaded the strips of fabric through the holes, replacing the old melted straps with new, albeit roughed up, straps.
“You look constipated.” Shawna laughed.
“I do not! I look very regal and intelligent, I always do.” Averi flipped her hair back indignantly.
“I bet you don’t even know what regal means.”
“You probably don’t either!”
“You’re not acting very regal right now.” Shawna smirked at her own riposte.
“Yeah, well you’re like the opposite of regal. Like just whatever the worst opposite of regal is.” Averi coughed slightly, marking the end of her tirade.
Shawna just laughed in response and Averi rolled her eyes. Adlai leaned back slightly, wishing the banter had continued. It had given him something to listen to, but now he was back to listening to his own thoughts. Averi was cleaning her prosthetic now, rubbing it clean with whatever was left of the rags.
Adlai couldn’t help but cringe at himself whenever he saw the burns on her legs. He didn’t understand why he had to lead them. Shawna was much better than him physically and her gut instincts were almost always right. Averi was a quick thinker and she could strategize a lot better than he could. Something was in his pocket at an odd angle and it was bothering him. Adlai pulled out a worn photo.
A younger version of him stared back, his parents behind him. Adlai rubbed his thumb on the photo, the glossy film somewhat comforting. He could almost hear his parent’s voices in his ears. The last thing they had told him before they died was to be confident. What good was confidence when you were hurting the ones you loved?
Adlai looked up from the photo to see Averi examining one of Alex’s quills before sticking it into the fabric of the straps. Shawna was clearly bored now, flicking rocks around. He felt a quick pang of sadness remembering his chess board and with it his screaming at Averi. He needed someone to talk to. Grabbing a small pebble, Adlai flicked the rock at Shawna.
Shawna looked up at Adlai, a slightly irritated expression on her face. He beckoned her over and she rolled her eyes as she got up.
“What do you want?” She asked.
“I need help.”
Shawna gave him a look. “What do you mean?”
Adlai struggled to put what he was feeling into words. “How do you…feel confident in your decisions? Even if you hurt someone?”
Her eyes softened, and Adlai could feel himself melt in her gaze. “I don’t think I’m the right person to ask. I’ve made a lot of mistakes.”
Adlai waved her words away. “I’m afraid to make decisions, you’re not.”
Shawna thought about it for a moment, chewing on her bottom lip. “I don’t think I’m not afraid. I just… leave it to fate. I can only do so much, you know? So I just sorta say, fuck it, let’s do it. What happens, happens, and I did what I could.” Shawna grabbed his shoulders and continued. “I trust you enough to make the decisions, even if you mess up. I don’t know what’s going through that crazy head of yours but you care about me and Averi. That’s good enough for me.” Shawna stood up, patting Adlai on the back. “You’ve kept us alive this long, that’s something I don’t think I could do.”
She walked off towards the supplies apparently planning on dividing them up. Adlai fiddled with his hands, picking at the callouses he’d developed. His nails were split and filed down to the bed. He pulled out the photo again, the glossy patina reflecting the dim light of their lanterns. His parents stared back at him, ever smiling. Adlai looked at his younger self.
He couldn’t tell what he was feeling. It was something between accomplishment and a blanketing and heavy sadness. He missed the way things were, but he felt like he was better now. He’d improved somehow. Shawna’s words were still repeating in his head. Adlai gently folded up the photo, putting it back into his pocket. He leaned back, eyes closed, only this time his thoughts were a little less deafening. The weight on his shoulders lifted a little.
He remembered his dad telling him something. “Heavy is the head that wears the crown.” Adlai smiled slightly. He didn’t like his crown much.