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The Eldritch Horror Who Saved Christmas
Chapter Thirty: It Was Not The Night Before Christmas

Chapter Thirty: It Was Not The Night Before Christmas

It was weeks before Christmas, and all through the town, everyone was stirring, including the mouse. This is because it was a regular workday.

The employees at Das Gleiche never stirred much, of course. They were a dullish and lethargic bunch, rarely given to doing more than their work and cultivation. As another day dawned bright and cold they shuffled in, poured their coffees, and sat down to the usual deskwork, the only noise in the office the sound of yawns.

The marketing division had been especially boring as of late. As Das Gleiche was currently trying not to draw attention to itself they had little to do, other than corroborate the paperwork for their dozens of shell companies. This was rather fortunate for the division’s members, for it meant that they - and not anyone else in the building - were the first to notice what was going on outside.

Zara was standing by the window, drinking her third cup of coffee, when she saw them. They had started to assemble in the street below, right outside the corporation. There were dozens of them, and each was carrying a loathsome contraption in their arms.

“Is that…” she gulped, uncertain if what she saw was even real, “is that a symphony orchestra?”

One of her colleagues came up behind her, and blinked his eyes in surprise. There must have been a hundred classical musicians outside. They were in formal dress, instruments buffed and tuned, and were raring to play. They'd set up their chairs in the middle of the road - blocking traffic in either direction - and were in the middle of tuning their instruments. They’d formed a semicircle, and from the looks of things it was an entire symphony orchestra that was about to put on a performance right outside Das Gleiche.

They were not actually facing Das Gleiche - they were turned east, towards city hall and the sun. Nonetheless it did not miss the man’s notice that they had managed to totally block off the entrance to Das Gleiche, trapping its employees in the building.

“Idiots,” he swore, “they’re going to ruin our lunch break.”

He went to the office’s internal phone line and spun the rotary dial, calling management.

“Hello, this is Ramirez in Marketing. There is currently a symphony orchestra assembling outside the building. Do they have formal approval to put on a performance here?”

Judy, on the other end of the line, blinked in surprise. She told Ramirez from Marketing that she’d look into it, hung up, then went to the window to check herself. Then she came back from the window, returned to her own rotary phone (unlike the schlubs in marketing, she had one of her own in her private office), and dialled the boss.

Once through, she gave him approximately the same spiele that Ramirez from Marketing had given her, minus one or two unnecessary details (her story started with her looking out the window, and not with Ramirez from Marketing calling her and telling her to look out the window). Old Nick stroked his fiery red beard, frowned, informed her that he had requested no such service, and told her to look into the matter.

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Judy was diligent in her duty towards her place of work, and did in fact look into it - by delegating the task to Anna.

Anna, who still hadn’t recovered from all that extra paperwork and was feeling enervated and despondent, looked at the ringing phone with dread. Answering it did not end her dread, but increased it, for at the other end was Judy, who informed her bluntly about the symphony orchestra and told her to look into the matter, and get back to her.

Well Anna did look into the matter - she loved symphony orchestras, after all. After confirming that there was, in fact, a symphony orchestra on the street she gave a great sigh - for she would have liked to be outside in the cold, enjoying the symphony orchestra, rather than inside in the warmth, where there was no symphony orchestra - she called the non-urgent police line, and asked them if the orchestra playing outside Das Gleiche had a permit.

The police secretary (Darlene - lovely woman; they met for coffee every second month or so when they had a day off) informed her that she could find no such record of a permit, but that she would look into it and get back to her.

Thereupon she called the mayor’s office, informing them that there was a symphony orchestra outside Das Gleiche and asking if there had been some delay in granting it a permit. The mayor’s office had to get back to her - permits were technically handled by a subordinate ministry - but after contacting the relevant authorities and confirming that the symphony orchestra did not, in fact, have a permit to play outside Das Gleiche they called the police secretary (who was, to repeat myself, named Darlene) and informed her that the assembly was, nominally, unlawful.

‘Nominally’ because an unlawful assembly is not actually in violation of the law until somebody calls to complain, and so Darlene called Anna back and informed her that, no, the symphony orchestra did not have a permit permitting it to play outside Das Gleiche.

Anna thanked her kindly for the information and made plans to meet for lunch next March (if she was free), and then proceeded to call Judy, telling her everything she had been told by Darlene.

Judy thanked her greatly for the information, then called Old Nick to inform him that she had figured out that the symphony orchestra did not - in case any of you were unaware - have a permit. Old Nick, of course, did not like music, which might inspire people (hence why music was banned in Das Gleiche as a whole), and now that he knew they were not gathered lawfully he told Judy to call the police and complain about an unlawful assembly.

Judy did her job, of course - which is to say, she called Anna and told her to resolve the matter. Or at least she tried to - strange to say, but nobody picked up, and Judy sat there with the line ringing.

Let us be clear - in case anyone harbours any negative sentiments towards Anna for this dereliction of duty - that this is not because Anna was shirking her duty - at least, not consciously.

But the fact is that it takes an awful lot of time for Ramirez from Marketing to call Judy, who reaches out and calls Old Nick and, after receiving instructions, then calls Anna, who calls Darlene (that’s the police secretary), who in turn calls the mayor’s office, which then calls the relevant subordinate ministry, and then calls Darlene back, only for Darlene to call Anna who calls Judy who calls Old Nick.

And in that time a great deal can happen. The symphony orchestra, for instance, might start to play. And a symphony orchestra in motion is a beautiful thing. Too beautiful, perhaps, for certain overworked secretaries, who might find themselves - as they wait for a call which they know will only make them more depressed - involuntarily heading towards the door.

Anna resisted leaving the building - doing that during working hours was grounds for immediate termination - but at the same time Judy tried to call her she was right at the exit, nose pressed to the glass, listening.

And so it was that Judy had to call the police herself.