“Will you leave me too, Paladin?”
Paladin nipped the air, seeking his post-ride treat.
Sighing, Zander tied off the horse outside the command pavilion and offered up an apple from Paladin’s saddlebags. Divines! He didn’t want to do this anymore. Alfread had fled the instant they returned to the encampment, leaving dread as his sole companion.
The thought of chasing after Alexia flickered in his mind. For a moment, the world seemed bright, the future lit with hope. Like the moon to the sun, he only needed to catch her again to feel the healing light that her love brought to his world. How high he soared in those brief moments before the light faded. As light always did.
He was here, in the dark, outside of Asa’s tent. Alfread hated him because the little woman inside wouldn’t give his best friend that which she had freely offered him. The last thing he wanted to do was see her. Yet, somebody needed to know the Celegans were in Mirrevar, somebody had to file the report. If Alfread refused, it had to be him.
The foul aroma wafting through the tent’s opening couldn’t have been a better fit for what he felt. He’d managed to avoid being alone with her in this tent since the day she stripped. He lingered several turns before calling out, “Asa. I have the patrol report.”
She didn’t answer. Zander snorted, eager for the excuse to stall his report to the dusky woman until dawn. Alas, Zander hadn’t the good fortune to be so blessed.
“Come in,” she called, sounding as interested in seeing him as he was to see her.
He hesitated at the flap, tasting the acrid aroma pushing through the gap. Finish strong.
Zander forced himself through, finding the pavilion was filled with a nasty smog. The only source of light was Asa’s brilliant golden hair for even her aura was a wan gray thing. Were it not for her beauty, he’d easily imagine this to be the abode of the evil witch preparing to poison the heroine in a children’s tale.
“Report,” she snapped, not even turning from her stirring to look at him.
Damn his own heart, he felt lashed by yet another loss. Not long ago, this was another person he could count on for warmth. Gone was the charming friend. Arrived was this stern commander. He’d have thought the distance would feel good. Instead, he felt even more alone.
He spoke without tone or inflection, trying to hold in the hurt he felt. “The northern outposts have seen no motion from the Sapphire on our side of the Cardian. Even venturing across, they haven’t spotted signs that they’re establishing outposts near the stream. One scout ventured all the way to the Sapphire encampment from the north without seeing as much as a Sapphire scout let alone an outpost. They seem to be shelled within their main encampment at the Great Eagle Bridge.”
The only sounds he heard in response was the clanging of her staff smacking the bottom of her cauldron, the swishing of whatever horrid brew she concocted. Zander stood, covering his mouth and eyes from the fumes, waiting for any drop of acknowledgement.
Finally, Asa offered up, “Is that all?”
Zander clenched his fists. All the light from Mirrevar had faded for him. This homecoming felt like being hellbound.
“No, that’s not all,” he hissed. “I killed a forest troll along the Cardian. Alfread said it was tamed by the Celegans.”
Asa halted her stirring. “Alfread said that?”
“Yes.”
Asa hesitated for several turns, then resumed her stirring. “Forest trolls are violent. They don’t need a Celegan’s compulsion to attack. What made Alfread think these were tamed?”
Zander realized that he didn’t know why Alfread thought the monster was tamed. He felt himself losing control, felt the emotions inside of him welling up and boiling over. They spilled out, like poison from a cauldron. “Like I know what Alfread thinks? Maybe he’d be here to report that if you didn’t fuck everything up.”
The alabaster staff clanked as she struck it down in the cauldron. She shuddered.
Good, he thought. Suffer for what you did. The vindictive retribution was the only thing that had felt good in days. Finally, something that wasn’t agony or hollow. He needed another taste. “You knew I had a life’s mate! You knew Alfread adored you! What in Zamael’s Hells is wrong with you?” He stomped toward her, holding back enough to not push her into the cauldron. “And what do you do about it? Just look at this? You continue to choose the poison and not the panacea!”
Asa stirred the poison, her arms jerking with frenetic energy. “That’s right. I’m poison.” Her aura faded to black. The shadows in the tent elongated, widened. “This is cordesine. It stops a heart within thirteen beats. Killed the Peacemaker. Maybe the world would be better off if it killed me too.”
“Poor you. Saved your father’s life in a kingdom full of orphans. Went to the big city and was treated important by kings and queens who don’t give a bloody shite about people like me and Alfread. Doted on and courted by handsome heirs. Blessed with magic that can save lives and shine light in the darkness. Charismatic. Talented. Intelligent. Beautiful. Poor you.”
Asa stomped toward him with her white angel wing staff raised to strike. She burst into tears, kicked over the cauldron, ran to her bedchamber, and jerked the curtain shut.
The poison corroded the bottom layer of the tent, melted down furniture, and killing any flowers or grass beneath before seeping into the land. Like everything else in his life, the big oak table collapsed.
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Zander crashed after her, ripping the curtains open. “What in Zamael’s Hells is wrong with you!”
“Nobody really cares about me. My mother is dead. My father is dead. My aunt is dead. My uncle is dead. My little cousin has disappeared and is probably dead. I’m only a tool to the king and queen. I’m only a pretty face with useful powers to your divinedamned heirs. You hate me.” She wiped at her eyes and let out a crushing sob. “Alfread hates me. And you know what? I don’t blame any of you. Because you’re right about me. I am the poison. Why should anyone care about me let alone love me? You’d all do well to stay away.”
Zander’s fists opened. The fire in his chest dimmed. “You’re an imbecile if you think you’re unlovable.”
This meek creature wasn’t the confident woman who rallied an encampment to an unlikely victory, but the same scared girl he’d seen in the watchtower convinced that they were hopeless. “I’m no good.” Her green eyes pleaded up at him. Whether for validation or rebuttal, Zander didn’t know. “You see that, don’t you?”
Zander studied her, anger bleeding out of him as he began to see her with new eyes. The light was a façade. This self-loathing creature was the real her, concealed beneath layers of feigned confidence, a winsome smile, and natural charm. He wasn’t staring at one of the most powerful people in Leveria. He gazed into those eyes, and saw his own reflection staring back at him.
She said what they both knew. “I’m an ugly soul hiding behind pretty flesh. The bright lights you see, they hide the rot inside of me.” She gestured to the darkness that surrounded her now. “This is the real me. I can fool people with the shining lights or a smile, but as bright as I seem on the outside, I’m filled with darkness.”
Zander remembered the night after the battle: the impulse to jump off the cliff after Alexia left him. He knew the darkness well. He understood how a person so talented, so beautiful, so seemingly confident could look at themselves and think nobody would love them. That same rot grew within him, telling him that no matter how hard he tried, people would leave him, and that it must be his fault they left.
Zander would give her that which he could not give to himself. If he was her mirror, he’d reflect back the best parts of her instead. He knelt beside Asa, cradling her hands. The locket grew warm against his chest.
Emotion exploded in him, reverberating through his soul. He was bombarded by memories that didn’t belong to him but felt as real as her hand in his. Zander clutched at the image of an older version of himself holding Asa as she cried about the hopelessness of loving a man she could never have. These images, futures, memories, whatever they were, forged a bond that could not be broken. This unspoken, uncanny connection, banished all his antipathy and filled the apathy it left behind with a fraternal love. He did not, could not, understand this rush of feelings that seemed both his and belonging to another. Yet, in the hollow of his heart where the scars of abandonment had reopened, he felt love closing those scars and filling the void.
Asa and Zander stared at each other, confounded but connected. She hugged him as if they were siblings reuniting after a long separation. Zander closed his armored arms around her. He didn’t need to speak the words, as they flowed from memory to mouth, but Zander had never been one to leave things unspoken. “I care about you. Nothing you do, no mistake you make, will ever change that. You’re not a darkness upon this world. You are our brightest light. I will help you shine, until you see that for yourself.”
Zander removed his gauntlets, tossed them aside, and sat beside her. One arm around her back, he used the other to wipe the tears from her cheeks. Her aura flashed bright, her gaze never leaving his eyes.
“There is darkness in all of us,” Zander continued. “I know it exists in me and no doubt it lurks within you too. But your light is not false, Asa. Yes, you’re imperfect. You’ve made mistakes and you’ve poisoned your mind with them. Yet, your light gave us hope when we had every reason to succumb to the darkness within ourselves. I believe the only darkness your light doesn’t banish is your own.”
“Do you know why I chose poison over panacea?”
Zander shook his head.
“I fear that if I run toward the brightest light in my life, it will only fade as it has so many times, but that this time losing it would hurt enough to extinguish my hope forever.”
“You’re scared to give your heart what it wants, because you’re certain you’d be abandoned.”
Asa let out a sob, nodding. Her words rushed out of her with an all-consuming passion. “In my dreams, I see a burning tower and flaming shadows. I call out but he cannot hear me. I feel warmth, the heat pursues me, but it burns when it touches me. Light fades and still the shadows grow taller. A dark flame erupts and engulfs everything I can see, scorching my body and stifling my soul. Light fades. Fades. Fades…then it is gone…and so is the warmth.”
Zander tried to makes sense of whatever mystic horseshite he’d just heard. It reminded him of Alfread’s dream, not that he could comprehend those either. Before he could form a response, a horn blasted.
He rushed out of the tent, setting his hand on his sword, glancing east and west. To reinforcements or to battle. Norali’s Light! He hoped it was reinforcements. Asa followed him into the dusky eve. The horn blew again, orienting them to the west.
“The Impwood,” he said, heaving a sigh of relief.
Asa gestured to Paladin. “Give me a ride.”
Zander helped Asa into Paladin’s saddle, then climbed up behind her. He kicked Paladin into motion and the silver-haired beast galloped toward the west gate. Mounted warriors entered through the gate, bearing Bearbreaker colors and emblems, followed by rows of infantry. At their head was a face Zander hadn’t expected to see in Mirrevar.
“Sir Edward!”
“Hello Zander,” said the Bear’s Crossing blademaster, his scarred face beaming with pride. The knight called behind him, his blademaster bellow as strong as ever, “Everyone through the gate! Form up!”
Behind him, Zander recognized other knights and squires falling into position as they filtered into the encampment. Varon von Gaelrich was amongst them, mounted on the mule Workhorse. Excitement coursed through Zander like lightning sparking across a night sky.
“Zander!” shouted a voice he’d missed. A pair of gray eyes shifted from Zander to Asa. “I see ye claimed the bess wenches ‘ere too!”
Zander smiled at perhaps the one friend who’d never left him yet. “I see you’re still dripping mushy shite through those fat lips, Kenneth.”
Kenneth pumped his head back and forth a few times before countering. “Lorelei been lickin’ my arse and gettin’ her tongue so deep I rckon the shite went up instead of out.”
“Enough,” Edward Bladestorm chided.
Kenneth rode past Zander, maintaining formation with the other mounted newcomers. He nibbled the air between him and Asa as he crossed. Zander felt Asa’s repulsion as she leaned as far away from Kenneth as she could without falling off Paladin.
Sir Edward pulled up beside Zander as the Bear’s Crossing reinforcements swelled the area around the western gate. “The day has come, Zander.”
Zander raised his eyebrow. “What day?”
Sir Edward smiled, crinkling his scars. “Savor your last day as a squire, son. Tomorrow morning, you shall rise a knight.”