“I’ve been out of doors breaking up a play fight,” Orenda explained, “Sonny here was picking on someone half his size.”
“A’ight, well,” Mary Sue said as she pulled a clipboard from the bag at her side, “the Duke of the Agricultural District wants a private meetin’ with you, then the head a’ the merchant’s guild, then the mason guild is here to go over the plans for the new tower- which we need, at some point before that to figure out if’in we want a new tower, I’d rather go down than up, myself - we got a scout troope back from the Sage Lake district ready to report in, we gotta go over them economic reports and try an get somethin’ figured out before parliament picks back up- the shipbuilder’s guild, which I guess is a thing that exists- thought it’d be part of the carpenders but whatever- is here talkin about they runnin’ outta money rebuildin the navy we blew up-”
“Honestly?” Orenda asked, “Well that should be that, then. I’m not giving them anything else. We’ve no need of a navy; we’re in a time of peace.”
“Yeah, about that,” Mary Sure said, “we got a message from the former colony on the water continent talkin about they’re sendin’ a delegate to talk to you on accounta they want some money? For some reason? I don’t know why the hell they think we owe them money but they sure as hell don’t care to ask nobody for nothin.”
“When will they be here?” Orenda asked.
“Probably sometime next week,” Mary Sue said. “And Anilla actually scheduled herself a block a’ time. She wants to talk to you about somethin’.”
“Mary Sue, I want you to know something,” Orenda said, “if I did not have you, I think I would have burned this entire continent to the ground by now.”
“Lorry’s gonna meet with you over breakfast,” Mary Sue said, “you need to eat you a bite. Wouldn’t hurt my feelin’s nary bit to get a bite myself. I need a cup of coffee.”
“As do I,” Orenda agreed.
“Announcing the great Duke of the Agricultural District, his grace Lorsan Agalon,” the human guard in the dining hall proclaimed, and Orenda thought the announcements grated on her nerves.
“It is early as balls!” Lorsan declared as he took the empty seat with his nameplate on it, “Oh, sweet, flapjacks. I didn’t know you’d be feedin’ me.”
“I have to eat and I have very limited time,” Orenda explained.
“Yeah you don’t look like you been missin no meals,” Lorsan said with too much approval. It put Orenda off.
“Are balls known to occur at early hours?” Orenda asked, “I thought it was an evening affair.”
“He meant like a nutsack,” Mary Sue explained and Sonny snickered.
“That raises further questions!” Orenda said, “That makes no sense. That’s a… those exist at all times of the day, don’t they?”
“Yeah,” Sonny said, “It’s a bitch. They get tangled up in these weird tights the military wears. We gotta redesign this shit, Rendy. Like a good… I dunno, thirty percent of my time is like… trying to discreetly readjust my balls.”
“That can’t possibly be true,” Orenda argued.
“They’re squished,” Sonny said, “they ain’t supposed to be squished. They’re supposed to dangle like a… like a weak point… like you ain’t even gotta aim my legs just guide ya in for the bullseye.”
“There is somethin’ like… legitimately, actually wrong with you,” Mary Sue said, “quit talkin about your nutsack at the royal breakfast.”
“I can talk about my nutsack wherever I want,” Sonny argued, “the noble over there started it.”
“That’s a turn of phrase,” Mary Sue argued, “You’re talking about your nutsack, specifically.”
“I am formally banning the word ‘nutsack’ from further discussion!” Orenda said, “The… at least call it something else. You’ve ruined the word for me.”
“Sorry I’m late, I forgot food was a thing I had to put into my body,” Junior said, then screamed because he had forgotten the man at the door would shout his name and title.
“Announcing the esteemed Xaxac Brigaddon the Second-” he began, but Junior cut him off.
“You ain’t announcin shit!” he said, “Some of us got heightened shifter hearin- Thesis’s Glowin Eyes six thirty in the morning out here screamin at motherfuckers, goddamn.”
“I didn’t know you were coming,” Orenda said, turned, and yelled, “Excuse me? Can we get another plate, please?”
“Xandra always rang a bell,” the human waiter huffed as he turned into the kitchen, apparently under the impression Orenda could not hear him, “damn rabbit’s right, six thirty in the morning and we’re screaming at motherfuckers, towers collapsin and shit...”
“Thank you,” Orenda called.
“You run a real tight ship, Your Majesty,” Lorsan complimented.
“We’re in a bit of an adjustment period,” Orenda admitted.
“Yeah, I had a little bit of an adjustment too, when my daddy died and left me all that mess to clean up,” Lorsan said as he poured his syrup, “hell of a mess, too. He’s the one what let people go into debt, I just never could collect on account’a there never was no law lettin me do a damn thing about it. You really saved my bacon. Whole time I was growin up, I thought, ‘We’re the breadbasket. We oughta have Xandra by the shorthairs. Why ain’t we more respected?’ But now? Now we’re the most respected district in the nation- home of the Brigaddon family. Y’all really turnin this around for me, for everybody.”
“We ain’t that respected,” Sonny huffed, “you see the way they draw us in the papers?”
“Papers got pointy ears,” Lorsan said, “don’t mean nothin. We get more humans in the Free Press that’ll change right quick. I mean, you ain’t a monolith, but they’s a reason they went with a monkey over a rabbit. That’s some good ol’ fashioned family bigotry. The kind I used to throw at my daddy when I was a stupid kid. Did I ever tell y’all I used to be an even bigger dumbass? Can you imagine that? I reckon I mellowed out. Now I’m cruisin on a smug sense of satisfaction on account’a exactly what I said was gonna happen happened. Love the new flag by the way. Rabbit’s a hell of a lot cuter than a rose. I never did like roses. The smell fucks me up.”
“Are you allergic to them?” Orenda asked, tiring of the sound of his voice. He seemed the sort of person who would ramble endlessly if no one interrupted him.
“Nah they just… I don’t know… they remind me a’ somethin…” Lorsan said, “My daddy loved that smell, rosewater.”
“My daddy did too,” Mary Sue said, and the two of them stared at each other, sharing a look with deep meaning, meaning Orenda did not understand.
“Mr Agalon,” Orenda said, “I noticed on the late Xaxac’s poster, the one inviting people to witness his fourth consecutive victory as a world champion cage fighter, his name was listed as Xaxac OfAgalon.”
“Yeah, that Lord Agalon was my daddy,” Lorsan said, “I reckon that book Mary Sue’s been talkin about is gonna have a lot to say about that.”
“Why are you here, Lorsan?” Orenda asked.
The waiter reappeared with a new plate stacked high with flapjacks for Junior and set it before him with a glass of juice and a coffee cup, in case he would want to make use of the coffee set out on the table, and served it silently and swiftly from the left.
“Thanks, buddy,” Junior said.
“On account’a I got myself a little problem what was brought to my attention a few days ago and I reckon I don’t know how to solve it. I love these new laws but what happened to Little Xac is just gonna keep happenin if’in we don’t do somethin.”
Unauthorized duplication: this narrative has been taken without consent. Report sightings.
“What happened to Junior?” Orenda asked.
“I need you to sign them patents,” Junior said, staring down at his plate, “I just… I need you to sign them patents.”
“Wait, what happened?” Mary Sue asked, “Why are you like that?”
“I went down to Basilglen to file ‘em at the office,” Junior explained, “my local office, like y’all wrote. And the bitch wouldn’t do it. That’s why I was so fightin mad yesterday. I kinda… really tore my ass down there. I made a scene.”
“Yeah, they scried me,” Lorsan said, “on account’a it was one a’ my citizens, but technically Basilglen’s on the line between me and Esta- she used to be mayor down there before her parents died when ya’ dropped a house on ‘em. So now she thinks she gets final say. Plus… technically they got a point.”
“She said that the law said ‘any Urillian citizen’ could make use of the public goods like the courthouse and patent system and all that…” Junior said; he had set down his fork and was staring at his plate, “she said she didn’t think I was a Urillian citizen… she wanted me to prove it. I ain’t got no way to prove it. I don’t… know how to… I was born right here, in the Agricultural District- I was one a… there oughta be papers on me, somewhere. I was born on a little farm, belonged to a vet named Neldor Miaballer… but I guess he… died or somethin and the land was reclaimed but didn’t nobody ever do nothin with it? I went in there and that farmhouse was fallin apart. I couldn’t find no documents. I think he would’a had ‘em, on me… He… he thought I was real important, you know? He… he wanted to know… he thought he was like… a scientist… he wanted to know…” his eyes had faded a little as he spoke, but he seemed to snap out of it and asked, “Hey Rendy, you got some kinda rule against offerin your big brother a drink? You put out drinks for guests?”
“I think the rule had something to do with it being so early in the morning,” Orenda said, but turned and asked, “Could we have a bottle of wine, please?”
The waiter bowed with one hand fisted over his heart and the other in the small of his back and disappeared into the kitchen, but he returned with much greater speed than he normally did. Orenda worried that he was becoming invested in the conversation. She was never very comfortable with servants.
“That mark on your neck oughta be all the proof they need,” Lorsan said, “that’s bullshit and they know it.”
“Neldor wanted to know how far he could push the shifter healing,” Mary Sue said, “He… owned both of us. But he apprenticed me out to a breeding center. He wanted more shifters. He was a bit obsessed with shifters, I think, after reading daddy’s book. Daddy never liked him.”
“He apprenticed you out to a breeding center?” Orenda asked, “I thought when Xaxac found you you were only five or six?”
“Yeah, I was,” Mary Sue said.
“Oh,” Orenda said as the waiter served silently from the left, filling everyone’s wine glasses.
“After I heard about that I sent me out a messenger,” Lorsan said, “Tryin to gather some data. It’s only been a couple days but she scried back with what’s she got and ever bit of it’s pissin me off. Just, for another example, there was a woman wanted to enroll in one of them new literacy programs the printer’s guild’s got goin- they wouldn’t take her without proof, so she went to her old master tryin to get it- she still works for him, still lives on his land, and he walked into the house, come back with a book of what I gotta guess is birth records, struck a matchstick and lit ‘em on fire right in front of her. All these places gonna keep askin for proof of citizenship they know ain’t nobody got. And anybody drunk on imaginary power is gonna cling to it. This is gonna be a problem.”
“He can’t do that,” Mary Sue said, “there’s already a law on the books against destroyin public records.”
“He’d probably say his personal property records was personal,” Lorsan said, “you can’t talk to these people. Y’all think this is all some kinda misunderstanding? It ain’t. I lived with these folks. They’re fuckin evil. You gotta understand that. It ain’t ignorance, it’s evil.”
They were evil, Rendy. I got that evil inside me. I can feel it sometimes, when I put on that uniform. I can feel it inside me trying to come out. I start talking like that- the way we learned in etiquette class- I can feel it inside me. Tolith had once told Orenda, it seemed a lifetime ago now. She hadn’t understood what he had meant.
“He can say what he likes,” Orenda said, “but he’s simply mistaken. He can’t own a person’s history. That’s a matter of public record. Sonny, darling, do me a favor. This gentleman enjoys burning things? Lorsan, I’ll need a name from you. I’m going to end this, directly. Sonny, have a contingent of royal guards enter this gentleman’s house and collect any records he hasn’t already destroyed. Then, by royal decree, I would like that place burned to the ground.”
“Hell yeah!” Sonny said.
“That won’t do anything…” Junior said to his flapjacks, “That’ll just piss ‘em off. We can’t just burn down everything we don’t like.”
“I absolutely can,” Orenda said, “that’s my whole thing. Have you met me?”
“I mean… I don’t reckon there’s no, ‘burn it to the ground’ law on the books,” Mary Sue said, “ain’t we tryin to watch our public image? Rendy, what is it with you and just settin shit on fire? When we was tryin to find a way to get in the Capital that night we killed the queen your plan was to set the whole damn city outside the gates on fire.”
“Had Toli not appeared, I still say that would have worked,” Orenda said, “it isn’t an ideal solution, but it certainly would have caused a distraction.”
“You are goddamn terrifying,” Lorsan said, and he seemed to mean it. His eyes were huge and the green vibrated in a sea of white, “I am… uh… terrified.”
“Yeah, you look it,” Sonny said with a sharp edge to his voice, implying something Orenda did not understand.
Mary Sue had been scribbling furiously on her clipboard, but now she spoke in a hurried voice, as if she needed to get her entire idea out before it fled.
“Ok so here’s what we’re gonna do,” she said, “fuck birth records. Them get fucked up and destroyed all the time, even if it ain’t outta meanness. What we’re gonna do is start a whole new system. We’ll number it, and we’ll work them numbers into the tax code we set up- that’ll keep us from gettin confused with names anyhow- we was already worried about that. Everybody’s gotta go down to their local office, no questions asked, and put themselves on the record. Everybody who lives in Uril is a Urillian citizen. They’ll fill out the paperwork- which I’ll draft out tonight, and get a… I dunno, we’ll call it a citizenship ID or somethin. They’ll print ‘em out there at the city halls, the closest city halls, and that’ll be that. Then we’ll get copies of all’a that and keep ‘em here in a secure record room.”
“That’s a hell of a lotta paperwork,” Lorsan said, “who’s gonna pay for all that? You think the printin’ presses is out here givin services away? Cause they ain’t.”
“We’ll pay for it,” Mary Sue said, “this kinda thing is what them taxes is for. We ain’t trying to get rich, ain’t hoardin wealth.
“That’s a brilliant solution, Mary Sue,” Orenda praised.
“Yeah, an’ we can collect census information that way,” Mary Sue said, “this’ll all work out.”
“Damn,” Lorry said, “I’d put in a million requests when Xandra was on the throne and never heard a damn thing back. This shit moved. Like this got done.”
“I’m surprised you’re the only member of the nobility to directly ask for something,” Orenda admitted, “you never get anything if you don’t ask.”
“Everybody else is scared to death ‘a you,” Lorsan said, “I mean, I am too, but… I appreciate having somebody finally trying to do something in this hellhole. When I was growin up, I hated my podunk, country-ass district. But I realized… it ain’t gotta be a hellhole. We’re right next to the capital. We can make somethin of ourselves. And the folks sittin at this table are leadin the charge. Little Xac, come on, buddy. I know you’re shook up, but it is gonna kill Esta dead when we’re the academic capital of Uril. That school and research center you got set up is gonna completely change the world. They’re tryin to hold you back on accounta they’re scared a’ you. Well goddamn right, they should be scared a’ you. I want a radiation thing.”
“A radio?” Junior asked.
“Yeah, I want a radio.”
“I mean… that was just a prototype,” Junior said, “but you… you got the electric pretty quick so your house is already wired up for it…”
“I want the first one off the line,” Lorsan said.
“Lorry,” Mary Sue said, “I’m… I read everything in my daddy’s book.”
“I woulda been a Knight of Order if he’d’a let me in,” Lorsan said, “but I get it. I hope he knows I understood. I hope… I hope he knew that. He was scared to tell me anything; scared Xandra’d see inside my head. Your daddy saved me… I knew it wouldn’t no bandits what killed him. I didn’t believe he was dead.”
He refilled his coffee, added cream, and stirred for far longer than it would have taken to distribute it before he spoke again.
“You know, Your Majesty, I seen you, that night,” he said, “hidin over there behind the shrubs. I seen a powerful magic, the kind I hadn’t seen in a long time, and I thought, ‘I wonder what the hell Xac is doin’. Wonder if that’s that big guy he run off with.’ It’d been so long since I’d seen it I couldn’t remember.”
“Big guy?” Orenda asked.
“I begged him to let me give him his papers,” Lorsan said, “I begged him, that night I saw him. That big guy with him- Ronnie? I think-”
“You knew my father?” Orenda asked.
“Maybe?” Lorsan said, “That makes as much sense as anything else, don’t it? I didn’t know it was your daddy, but maybe. Big feller, dark skin, bright gold eyes, got that red hair, little bit more red than yours, looked more like the kind’a hair Captain Nochdiface’s got. ‘Bought the same size, too, but I don’t wanna say that on account’a it makes me look racist. I don’t think all y’all look the same I just ain’t seen that many of ya.”
“What do you remember about him?” Orenda asked.
“That he didn’t kill me,” Lorsan said, “he actually kept that woman from killin me, on account’a Xac didn’t want ‘em to. Xac saved me… a lot.”
“You saved him, too,” Mary Sue said, “he woulda starved if not for you.”
“Ain’t my fault the dumbass was gonna sit there and die,” Lorsan said with real anger in his voice before he caught himself, “Sorry, goddamn, sorry. But that did piss me off. I kept tryin’ to tell him and he just was hell bent on dumbassery.”
“Yeah,” Junior laughed, “that’s daddy.”
“Your name is Lorsan?” Orenda asked.
“My friends call me Lorry,” the duke of the Agricultural district said, “Rendy.”