This useless piece of shit. Promising to visit me at least twice a week, and yet, the last time he was here was more than a month ago.
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So, that's what I get for feeding you every single day for more than 18 years? Not a single visit, not even a call. 18 years, I taught you and still you forgot, what's most important: "He that will not hear must feel". Leaving your old dad behind to die in a creaking armchair, choking on microwave-food. You might have moved out of my house, but I still own a car, you little bastard.
I always thought I had taught you well, some wits to go about. Probably even thought you were sleek, not telling me your adress. As long as I pay your bills, however, I will always know in which jerkwater hicktown, you're trying to hide this time, you wannabe-slippin' jimmy. And with all this new technology-stuff, as soon as I figure out my car's navigation system, you will have nowhere to go. Nowhere to run this time, fucker.
Time for a good ol' road trip to visit my, oh so lovely son.
7 hours? Wow, he's really trying to get in some distance here. Nothing I can't handle, though. Just get some snacks, some roasted pistachios, a handful of apples. Not to forget, a few bottles of my self-made whiskey for the road, not too many, maybe two or three, hell, make it four, it's gonna be a long trip, after all. Everything stowed away, one bottle secured on the passenger seat, the other stuff in the back. On it goes!
Turn the key, change the gear to reverse, a light step on the gas. Safely navigating out of the driveway, change the gear, and with a little sip of the bottle, off it goes onto the highway. All these people, thinking the speed limit is their mother, about to give them a spanking. Pass this guy, honk at the other one, take over here, change lanes there. Speed by the truck, before he completely blocks the way. Was a little close, hear him blowing the horn, nothing a few sips can't solve, just a few, little ones.
Reminding me of my youth this stuff, a pull of vodka here, a puff there, a kiss inbetween. Good times.
Halfway there, already, just fair to give him a heads-up. Shit, I forgot my phone, didn't I? it's not in any of my pockets. Did I put it in the back? Glove box? Ah, yes, there it is, I should have known.
"Hey Zeri, call 'useless piece of son' ". I call at my phone
"I can't understand you, please try again."
"Hey Zeri, call 'useless piece of son'".
"Please try again, I can't understand you."
"Heeeyy.... Zeeeerrrriiiii, coooaaaallll...'use..less...pi..ece..ooffff saaaan'." That's as slow as I can say it.
"Calling Isabelle Sherman." In which world does 'useless piece of son' become 'Isabelle Sherman'
"Stop, stop, cancel, terminate, cancel, terminate, hang up."
"Call terminated."
Wooow, that really is useless. When Zeri doesn't work, I guess, I gotta do it manually. Open contacts, ah there he is.
[Incoming call from Isabelle Sherman] Oh, just great.
"Hello, Isabelle?"
"Hello, yes you tried calling me just sen? Is there somesing you wanted to tell me?"
"No, sorry, my bad, was actually just trying to call my son."
"Oh, is sat so, you're certainly lukky, mine would never even answer..."
"Yeah, I'm off to visit the little tyke for the weekend."
"Wow, szat's greit."
"Sorry, gotta keep it short here, I'm actually driving at the moment."
"It figures! Well, have fun sen."
"Thanks. Goodbye, see you around"
Does more bad than good, technology nowadays. Better not try any more calling shenanigans, then, back to the glove compartment, little Zeri.
Oh, fuck. Just able to see what was about to happen at the last second. Everything went black, white, black, grey, cyan (???), white, white and stayed white. The truck driver really didn't like me overtaking him, it seems. Drove right in front of me, while I was occupied with the glove box. The young people, nowadays, really have no idea of proper driving-etiquette anymo-
"Hello, there, you seem a bit old, normally we only get people about age 15-25 here?"
"He-hello?" I could only squint my eyes at the blinding white lights "Where am I? A-and who are you?" Is this hell? Heaven, even? Probably not heaven, after all the stuff, I pulled.
"There I was thinking you were something special, but then, you ask exactly the same questions, as everybody else." Ok, seems like some kind of judgement thing.
"Sorry, I guess? Although, I would actually really like an answer."
"You're in the soul-redistribution-headquarters, short SRH. And I am your helper for the remainder of your travel, Bill Munchgem, feel free to just call me Bill, everybody does."
"Hello, so Bill, what happened? I am Lelan-"
"I know who you are, I got your files, after all. You are Lelantos Quetchbury and died in a car-accident, while driving, planning on physically assaulting your son, drunk, may I add."
"Whohohoa there, calm down with the accusations, I was just planning a friendly visit to my beloved son. Nothing to send me to hell for." Seems, he knows, gotta talk my way outta hell, then, no pressure.
"Mr. Quetchbury, we both know what you were planning to do."
"Yeah, my son always liked apple cake, so, of course, I packed in some apples for his favorite apple cake, family recipe!" Urrghgh, my prime really is far behind me.
"Please, stop it, quit the bullshit, I am not god, I am not here to send you to hell, although the longer I read this here, the more I would like to be."
"Oh, you're not?" Sure, dude, sure. I didn't know god was allowed to lie. Seems I gotta use everything I got in me, to get out of here, unscraped.
"Yes, as I mentioned before, I am here to help you with your soul's travel to a new world."
"The new world? The US? I have been living there all my life, nothing to help me with there." Just talk bullshit, I am merely a confused old man, nobody can send that to hell.
"No, *sigh* a new world for you, Gaiapan. A world of magic, skills, and undiscovered horizons, threatened to the core by the arrival of mighty demon king, LELANTOS QUETCHBURY." Too easy, trying to get me to wanting to be a demon king, pathetic. Everybody knows a demon king lives in hell, if I agree, I will be sent there, if I decline I'll get to enjoy eternity in heaven. Just gotta shut him down and tell him I am not interested.
"Demon king, me?"
"Yes, you. Let me introduce you to your new skills. Your most vital perk is demonic expan-"
"Erm, sorry, to interrupt, but I really have no interest in becoming a demon king. I have always been a completely peaceful and fair individual, striving for a better tomorrow." Now, that I have declined, I may be able to trick the system and return to earth? Maybe some kind of Zeri-command?
"Mhm, sure, let me continue, with this perk, demonic expansion, you have complete and unquestio-"
"Stop, terminate, cancel, start return protocol, earth return start."
"Sir, this is a wendy's controlled environment, for commands you have to talk to me, directly, talking to the air, won't get you far. Let me repeat: Your earthly body is dead. You died. You drove drunk and perished in a car crash. There is no return."
"I really don't wanna be a demon king, you have to understand." Hmm, just continue playing the no-interest-card.
"Well there is another option available, in case the participant declines the offer of becoming demon king, unquestioned ruler, controller of the demonic expansion and harbinger of death, he has a chance to be reborn as an insect. The kind of insect will be determined by a throw of die."
"Insect? Like some sort of fly or ant?"
"Yes, it is your choice, unlimited power or puny insect." Ah, I understand, that's how to get into heaven, deny wanting to be a demon king, to then fake interest in being something many will consider a subordinate life form. Too easy, really.
"I'd like to throw the die."
"You're a funny one, let me proceed now, your demonic expansion skill, unique to the demon king, will enabl-"
"Can you please just hand over the fucking die. I have absolutely no interest in becoming some kind of demon, like I said, my conscience would never accept being a root of evil, plaguing the world." Maybe he needs to be shut down hard?
"You're-you're serious about being an insect? Let me repeat: Unfathomable pow-"
"Bring me the fucking die." Wow, nearly, as useless as my son.
"Ok, sir, please calm down."
"I will, the second you hand them over."
"Let me just fetch them from the back. They haven't really ever seen any usage."
"Get out of my sight, then, and don't dare returning without the die."
"Sure, sir, I will do my best."
Ok, hard way, seemed to wokr. Is he still hoping I will change my decision? so he can throw me into hell? That's quite deceiving, but far too transparent, how could anybody fall for that? At the beginning, he seemed to be onto me, but my years of training probably threw him off the track. Or is there another test, waiting with the die? Possibly.
Okay, calm down me, I'm just a parent nervous about his son's adult life. I was planning on making him his favorite apple cake to cheer him up, when I died on the way there. I would never want to be a demon king, or any of the sort, as I would never even consider doing anything that could be harmful to humans- any life form, for that matter.
"Here I am again, and here is your die. Our local smiths really are of impeccable skill and strength, not as strong as a demon king, however, you still have the chance to reconsider."
"I bear no interest in such a foul existence, serving only to harm life, my interests only lie in helping and nourishing hope. So hand over the die." Bill handed it over reluctantly, it felt like thousands of insects scuttled about my skin, as I held it in my hand. Not just that, it looked like a normal cube, but it felt round, infinite possibilities, infinite ways of life, something only a god can procure. Seems I had the right hunch about this. With my hands I formed a cage around the die, with every shake, the shape felt different, the scuttling became stronger, infinity changed. I opened my hands, it fell on the floor, uncountable possibilities, and only one would come out on top. Alea iacta est, the die is cast!
[Congratulations! The determined species is: Queen of monster-bees]
Aha, there it is another test, someone with a truly heavenly mind, would never want to be a monster, a being, content by killing others. Time to complain.
"Queen bee, sounds good. But I would never want to be a monster, I want to be helpful, I want to be a servant of nature, not a conqueror."
"Mr. Quetchbury, you're mind really seems to only think about the good it can do, I am impressed."
"It is, what every sane human's goal should be: peace, gratitude, and to never harm." GOT HIM!
"Then it is decided, I will, just for you, change the outcome." Now here is the truth, angel? archangel, even? Let's see.
[Congratulations! The determined species is: Queen bee] Ohhh, gotta keep it going, then.
"Many thanks, I could never live peacefully, knowing deep down that my offspring will devour, whatever it comes across.
"No thanks necessary, in my eagerness, I had already created the fleshly body for the new demon king and will now reshape the flesh according to the new species."
"So, give it to me straight, what are my stats?"
"Sure, your species is queen-bee, you are logically level 1, with a weight of 2,349 thousand tons, and a length of 391 meters, continuing with the stat-"
"You sure about the weight and length? Seems kinda off."
"Oh, you're right, by using the meat of the far bigger demon king, I must have created a giga-mega-bee. It might be quite hard to fly."
"Yes, figures, although I'd really enjoy the be a petite, small bee."
"Sorry, that won't be possible, the already created flesh has to go somewhere, after all."
"You can't pull some "Dr. Who"-stuff?"
"Excuse me, what do you mean, Dr. Who?"
"You know, bigger on the inside."
"Oh, that's genius, and it could actually work."
"Yes, it's Doctor Who..."
"I will create a pocket dimension inside a small bee. Inside of this pocket dimension, there will be the entire meat from the previously 391 meter bee. Making it so this a little bee have far larger organs and density, than it will ever need, practically a flying monstrum, you really don't want that thing flying into your eye. "
"And I won't die from that?"
"Understandable question, your body should be stable, if nothing else, I will now commence your soul's relocation, the inbuilt-guide will answer any of your questions. Like all demon kings, or now I guess supposed demon kings, you will receive an [UNIQUE] skill, adjusted to your behavior, here in the soul-redistribution-headquarters. It was a pleasure working with you, I haven't had this much excitement in ... ever. Good luck!"
"So, I passed the test, then?" Hello, heaven, the place I belong.
"Which test? I really hope you're gonna have a hell of a time down there!" Hell? Down there? Wait, did I not pass? Am I not going to heaven?
"Excuse me, there has to be some kind of misunderstan-"
Everything went black and white and cyan and white and black, you know the drill.
[Welcome to Gaiapan, Lelantos Quetchbury, I am the local reincarnation assistant, here to answer any questions Her Majesty, the demon king, might have, concerning the conquest of the world. I can sense your thoughts and will try to assist, whenever I can.]
Firstly, what? So did I pass the test? Is this heaven, is this hell? And secondly, I am not supposed to be a demon king, I told the guy, I should really be a queen bee.
[I can't quite comprehend, which test? This is Gaiapan, neither heaven, nor hell. And yes, you are the demon king, please open your status to see for yourself.]
Status? Is this you Zeri?
[I will open the status for you, like, I said, I am the local reincarnation assistant, not some kind of cereal.]
Ah, I knew it was you, Zeri. Nobody could quite misunderstand me, just like you, it's good to hear your voice. Suddenly, a pop-up appeared, in front of me
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►Lelantos Quetchbury | LVL 1 | 5/5 Health | 3/3 Stamina | 10/10 Mana◄
Title: Demon King | Class: None | Species: Queen Bee
Strength: 1
Perception: 1
Agility: 1
Intelligence: 1
Active Skills: Demonic-Expansion: 1 | Limited Flight: 1 | Crew-Assembly: 1 | Captain: 1 | Oviposition: 1
Passive Skills: None
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