Chapter 0ne
Coming out and a lost boy.
They came on quick, a round of deep throaty coughs wracks through me. I knew what was coming, but I really hoped I was wrong, it was kinda hard to deny it though. It’s like everything was slowing down and speeding up all at the same time and for the first time in a long time I’m really scared. It hurts, fuck me it hurts so bad! Maybe even as much as why I’m here in the first place, but then again, maybe not I think to myself when the coughing fit finally stops for a minute.
If I’m totally honest, not that I have that much experience to draw from, but that part actually seemed to happen pretty quick. In all truth I never would have seen it coming in a million years, so I think I felt more surprised than anything else when it happened. It is right then the realisation, or maybe it’s simply just acceptance, of just how final this particular moment is going to be sets in and for whatever reason, I barely feel it anymore anyway. Truth be told, right now I think I barely feel much of anything, and I can’t help but wonder why that is.
We’ve all heard the stories, right? The ones when you die and your whole life flashes before your eyes. It doesn’t though, not for me anyway. In fact, the only thing I’m really feeling right now is pain. It’s washing over me and pulling me around, like a prairie windstorm. The pain of the moment, the pain of knowing that I’ll never be able to see those I love again, the pain of knowing what I’m leaving behind. I think you even feel the pain of how stupid you are, that you managed to get into whatever this situation is in the first place! I know I did, but I’m gonna say that one was pretty fleeting though. I guess there’s no sense in dwelling on that bullshit, there’s never enough time for that anyway.
Another round of coughing comes on quicker than the last, and it shakes me back to lucid for the oh so briefest of moments. But it’s just enough and once again the actual physical pain comes rushing back in right along with it, like a tsunami on the rebound. This time I can feel something new though, a warm and somewhat sweet and tangy wetness on my lips and in the back of my throat like an aftertaste. It wasn’t there before, but it certainly is now, and it takes me a second of my very limited time left to figure out what it is. It confused me at first because of all the different sensations I was feeling right then, but I quickly recognised that all too familiar very distinctive warm coppery taste. Instinctively I knew it’s meaning, because at that point I was pretty sure I was drowning, I know that’s bad but, at least it’s happening quick. That means the pain will end soon, it will all end soon, and I start to feel it drift away, everything is drifting away.
A sense of cold numbness was starting to spread throughout my very existence. I figure this is shock, or what I’m gonna call stage two. That’s how it worked out for me anyway. Shock is when your mind and body tries to hit the reset button, in order protect you and repair itself by slipping you into its welcoming arms. Intellectually I knew that because we’d studied it in health class last year. Knowing and feeling this though, are so different things and I wasn’t prepared for the totality of it. I mean, could you ever be? It’s funny what you think about in moments like this.
In my case, I know it’s a wasted effort. What I can see of the knife that asshole stabbed into me and the rapidly widening dark wet stain on the front of my favourite t-shirt, is all the evidence I need of that. Tonight, was supposed to be a special occasion, so I wore the skater one he loves so much, because he says the bright red makes my dark eyes sparkle. For the briefest of moments, I feel a sense of very intense anger that our special night was ruined, but that doesn’t really last either.
Time is running out now and in the back of my mind, I can hear myself screaming that I don’t want to die and now I can’t stop thinking about daddy and the moms, my little brothers, my beautiful boyfriend. Even though it’s so hard and I am so scared right now, I force myself not to cry. It won’t do any good anyway and for the briefest of moments I wonder if he’ll be mad at me for getting my shirt ruined.
I do take a small amount of comfort in the numbness though, because it makes the pain fade into the background again for a second or two. The cold damp ground I fell back onto seems to help with this numbing effect and hopefully it’s also hiding the fact that I think I’ve wet myself. My body is being all rebellious all of a sudden, it doesn’t care about my embarrassment, it just wants to get rid of the large soda I drank earlier. Though to be fair, I can’t gather enough strength to be bothered or upset by that either. It’s almost like the earth is a vampire, hungrily draining all my heat, my fluids and my strength, only to replace it all with cold and dark. Even the distant roars of a crowd nearby and the lights off in the near distance are fading into nothing.
Annoyingly though, this numbness has an unfortunate side effect. Again, I’m able to think a little clearer, and what I’m going to call ‘the final stage’ sets in, intense loneliness. Whether it’s just you, or whether you’re in a crowd, death is the last thing you will ever do and it’s the only thing you will ever do where you are utterly and completely alone. It is immensely hard to quantify this feeling with mere words, but for some reason I feel like I should at least try.
However, that thought process is short lived as a third round of coughing explodes from my body, and this time the blood that comes with it is unmistakable. It’s so much thicker and there’s more of it. I can even feel it free flowing simultaneously down my chin and back down my throat to pool in my lungs. I can’t catch my breath now either and my body feels like it’s a million miles away, or at the very least someone else’s.
That doesn’t last long either, because just as that thought entered my rapidly weakened mind an intensely sharp slicing pain from my chest being rapidly and forcefully expanded and retracted on the knife buried in it pulls me back in again. This time it rattles me to my very core, and I can almost feel more blood escaping. It feels warm, but the heat doesn’t last long in the cold night air. I honestly don’t think I have much of it left anyway, but I can no longer seem to grasp enough energy to worry about it.
The only thing I can think about and the only thing I have the strength to hold on to right now is him. I hope this was all worth it, but even more, I hope he got away. I love him so much and right now, at the end, I can’t stop myself from wishing he was here to hold my hand. I desperately wished that I could look into his eyes and feel the love in there one last time, and suddenly, I feel a little selfish at that thought.
I told him I’d always protect him, that I would always be there for him; then I told him to run just before it happened. I figured I’d get the crap beat of me, there were a whole lot more of them than me, but at least I’d probably be able to walk away from it. I was not expecting to be stabbed, that’s for sure, and knowing that now, who knows what would have happened to him if he’d stayed. I don’t and I really don’t want to think about it either. At least I could take some solace that I could do this one last thing for him, to keep him safe, daddy would have to take over from here and I know he will.
It’s getting close now, it’s almost here I can feel it, or not feel it, depending on your point of view. This is it, I think to myself and I’m suddenly overcome with sadness. I don’t see any white lights; maybe the stories are real, maybe I am going to hell. I don’t think I’ll ever see him again and my last hope bursts like a balloon in my face. The realisation I’ll never see anything again sets in and finally I can’t hold my emotions back anymore as a single tear and a small quiet sob escapes me, I manage one final whisper, “I’m so sorry Riley, I love you so much”.
After I count down the three rounds of coughing, I don’t know why that strikes me as a thing, but it does. I feel the blackness of oblivion overwhelm me and as it does, a last solitary thought flits through my mind like a wisp on the wind. I can feel myself reaching for it, but like everything else since this whole thing started, I get close but just can’t grasp it long enough to keep hold of it. I do know what that thought was though. I felt it’s meaning as it slid through my fingers at least in hell I’ll be in good company! I barely have enough will left to wonder where that thought came from before the frigid black completely envelopes me and I cease to exist.
***
It’s been a little over three weeks since it happened and I’m in my usual spot, the same spot I’ve been in every day since. My mom came by earlier and tried to get me to at least go for a walk or something, but I refused, even when she tried bribing me with ice cream. She even invoked the mom voice and used my full name!
“Riley, honey?” She started, then when I didn’t respond “RILEY ONYX MAXWELL! You stink! You need to shower and change your clothes, if you won’t come home, at least do that much!”
Normally the full name thing would terrify me, and rightly so, but these were strange times I was in. Normally I was a good boy, respectful and courteous, in my mind I wasn’t being disobedient, I had just made my mind up. Over the last three weeks both moms had tried multiple times, they had even tried taking me home once, I guess I’d fallen asleep, and they had carried me to the car or something. But as soon as I woke up, and realised where I wasn’t, I came straight back here. They didn’t bother trying that again, knowing full well I would just find my way back, no matter what obstacles they put in place.
Mom knows how stubborn I am, so when I showed no signs of moving at all after about fifteen minutes, she finally gave up trying for the day. I knew one or the other would try again tomorrow, but for now, I was in the clear. She was still my mom though, so put a bag of fresh food and a change of clothes that she had brought with her on the chair next to me and then leaned down to kiss my forehead. She stopped by the bed for a minute to rearrange the covers and then left.
I might have napped, off and on but I’m not sure. Every day my guilt grows stronger because this is all my fault and I see it over and over every time I close my eyes. When I do sleep, if I sleep at all, I have nightmares. Well, I really only have the one, it’s the same thing every time. When it comes, I relive that night in vivid detail and every time it gets worse. He told me to run that night, but I hesitated. Maybe if I had run right away, he would have come with me. But in my dreams, it plays out exactly the same way as it did that night, only in slow motion. Although, each time it replays, his eyes get a little sadder and a little more accusing. I don’t know if that’s real or not, but that is what I see.
Luke, the boys, and the moms have been pretty regular visitors, but I am mostly quiet during their visits and not much company. After the first week when I didn’t come out of my funk, the boys got scared and upset, especially CJ. I wasn’t my usual self, and he didn’t understand why. Even climbing onto my lap and giving me one of his sweet little hugs wasn’t enough to break through the terrible guilt and loss that I felt.
They didn’t understand that it was all my fault, none of them did. I mean, both Luke and the moms said I was wrong, they said it wasn’t my fault. But I knew it was, they weren’t there, I was. How could I tell them, how could I make them understand that it was all because of me, I was the reason we were all there. They would hate me, and they should, I don’t deserve them, I don’t deserve their love. I don’t deserve anything but shame and guilt and loneliness, that’s my punishment for what I’ve done. And my penance is this room, this vigil. Maybe that was why I was determined to push them all away, so I wouldn’t hurt them too.
I guess what I was feeling back then was pretty dark. To be fair, I wasn’t really suicidal, but I do remember thinking it a few times. I really wasn’t paying that much attention to my surroundings though, so I ‘m not surprised when a few of those thoughts bled through the filters. They were all worried about me because of them in their own way, but I’m pretty sure Luke was the only one to hear the darkest ones and for some reason it hit him like a freight train! He knew exactly what I was feeling, survivors’ guilt, he called it when we talked about it much later.
If you think I’m stubborn, I’ve got nothing on Luke! He basically ordered me to talk to a therapist. He even threatened to carry me there himself. I actually thought that was probably a good Idea, and told him so, but again I refused to leave so somehow Luke arranged for the therapist to come to me. At thirteen I didn’t understand how he had so much pull for a simple northern Texas cattle rancher, I mean their ranch was pretty big sure, but it would be years before I knew exactly who Lucius Archer Travallian Jr actually was.
The therapist arrived later that day and he was a good guy, his name was Dr Jack Anderton, but he told me I could just call him Dr Jack if I wanted, so I did. He was a good-looking guy I guess, in his middle thirties with dark hair, blue eyes and the start of a dad bod. Dr Jack was very patient with me, but it took a while to warm up to him. Our first few sessions were mostly spent with us just sitting quietly and watching each other. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to talk to him, I just didn’t know where to start. Once I got comfortable though, the flood gates opened.
“They couldn’t see the fear in his eyes that night”, I eventually told him. “But they didn’t know him like I did, to me it was clear as day!”
It occurs to me, now that I’ve started telling Dr Jack our story, they probably couldn’t see his fear that night because he wasn’t afraid of them, he never was, never could be. That kind of fear just wasn’t in him. But he was afraid for me, because although I may be stubborn, I’m not a fighter and never have been. One on one, even two or three on one, he could have taken them in a fair fight. Over the last year, he’d had to a time or two, but they had never come at us in those kind of numbers before, had never come at us all at once like that before. Since we came out, there had been moments, but neither of us had ever faced that kind of concentrated hatred. As I made my break to get help, I told the therapist, they encircled him, and I lost sight of my beautiful boyfriend.
Dr Jack and I spent many sessions alone in that room and over time I told him everything about us, he had me start with introductions, he knew who I was, and I knew he knew who he was, but he wanted me to introduce him anyway. I don’t really understand why, some kind of therapy trick I guess, but he would ask at the start of every session. To be honest I’m not sure why I refused, but I just couldn’t say his name out loud at first. Dr Jack would keep asking though, even slipping the question in at random times. Finally, after about the fifteenth time he asked, I paused what I was saying, looked him straight in the eye and sighed.
“My boyfriend’s name was Lucius Archer Travallian the third”, I finally said out loud. “And he was thirteen when he died! Are you happy now?”
My voice cracked on that last word, and I started to cry again, I’d lost count of how many times that had happened. It took me a moment or two to compose myself, but when I was able to continue, I wiped my eyes clear, and then dragged my sleeve across my nose, leaving a small trail of snot in its wake. The moms would have killed me for that, had they seen it, they both hated when I did that. Dr Jack didn’t say a word about it though, just waved a fresh box of Kleenex in front of me. After I’d grabbed a few and cleaned up the best I could, he urged me to go on.
His name sounds like old money and it kind of is I guess, but he was so humble, that never mattered to him. The fact that he was the heir to one of the biggest cattle ranches in Texas, didn’t seem to matter to him either, it just was what it was to him. We called him Luca, and I loved him with all my heart! He'd been my best friend from the moment we first saw each other from across the room on our first day of kindergarten. He was the first person to look at me with anything that even remotely resembled friendship, so I gave him the tiniest of shy waves and when he waved back with what I can only describe as a genuinely warm smile I just knew, you know?
I looked up at Dr Jack and I could see him smile and knew that he understood what I meant. Again, he chose to stay silent, letting me set the pace like he usually did, so I took a steadying breath and pressed on.
Looking back on it now I still think it’s crazy. I didn’t know why or even how we could feel that way after just seeing each other for the first time. I know this sounds weird, but it was almost like we just melted onto the floor and then reformed into two halves of the same whole that day. We just clicked together in all the best ways and had been inseparable ever since. It wasn’t long after that the moms followed suit and also became the best of friends. Convenient sure, but it really did make it so much easier for us to spend time together. At first, we only really saw each other at school, so it really never occurred to me, but we actually lived pretty far apart. After the first time he asked if I could come for a sleepover, I discovered just how far.
To give some context here, the school we both attended was in the pretty nice and very green little agricultural town of Rainwater creek, which was right smack bang in the middle of Archer County in northern Texas. Red Rock Ranch, known as just “Red Rock”, the Travallian’s ranch took up most of the north-eastern corner of that county. In fact, its furthest northern edge, both county and ranch was a large section of the red river, which also made up the Texas and Oklahoma border.
Rainwater Creek was big enough I guess; I mean it had a population of just under 18,000. There was a proper hospital, two elementary schools, two middle schools and a high school. It had a Publix, and a Walmart. There was a Home Depot, and a Target, not to mention all the other smaller stores, the feed stores and machinery dealerships, even a couple large truck stops. Red Rock wasn’t the only ranch in the area, or even the county, it was just the largest one. There were a few name brand food places there, which we didn’t go to much and a few other smaller restaurants, and saloons. My absolute favourite was a cute little Mexican place called Mamacita’s that had the best food ever. Like everywhere else in Texas, Rainwater Creek also had plenty of churches, not that I went to any, my mom didn’t believe in them and for some reason, neither did the Travallians.
I knew Luca lived on his family ranch instead of in town like I did, he’d proudly told me that he was a rancher from the very beginning. When I asked him how big it was one day, he said it was something like 600,000 acres, he wasn’t bragging or anything, he just said it matter-of-factly. That still sounded pretty impressive to me. However, at the time I really didn’t know what an acre was, and my kid mind didn’t associate that with distance or scale. Dr Jack it seemed, was also pretty impressed by that number, though for some reason not that surprised either, when I looked over at him pausing to catch my breath.
Even then, I told him, I still figured the ranch house was just passed the town boundary or something and it wouldn’t take long to get there. I was a Texan, so I had seen some cowboy movies, and they never made it look that far to get from town to the homestead. As it turned out, Luca’s house was a long hour and a half’s drive from mine.
We always knew we loved each other, I told Dr Jack at the following session, that much was obvious to anyone who looked at us. We were tighter than brothers all through elementary and into middle school. This was made so much easier when Luke offered mom a job as the ranch manager, she had an MBA and a law degree from a pretty decent college back east and had been running some interests from town, but she had grown up on a ranch herself and jumped at the chance to live on one again. She tried to tell me one day what her job was, I was still nine at the time, so most of it went straight over my head. I nodded and smiled in what I thought were the right places though, because I knew it meant something big to her and gave her a hug when she finished explaining, before running away to hang out with Luca. Apparently, her job was to manage the legal, administrative and investment side of the ranch while Luke ran the physical day to day.
She started immediately, and we moved into the managers cottage at Red Rock the week after my ninth birthday. The best birthday present I had ever had up until then. It was kind of weird at first, going from town to ranch life, but it didn’t take long to settle in. Getting up two hours earlier for the school bus took some serious getting used to though. But now Luca and I really were close by each other, walking distance in fact, neighbours if you will and the boys made it look easy, so I didn’t complain too much.
I didn’t have any brothers, just a sister Alex who was much older and by then away at college up north. I’m pretty sure she loves me, and I love her, but she never seems to have any time for me. Luca on the other hand was the oldest of three boys. His little brothers were Michael, who we all called Mikey, who was two years younger than us and Cooper who we all called CJ, who was four. Even with me around, Luca was a great big brother and always seemed to find time to be with them. If I’m honest with the amount of time we were all spending together in those days, they pretty much became my brothers too, especially after we moved to the ranch. They both certainly loved and treated me like another big brother, so now I had three.
“I know they’re hurting as much as I am Dr Jack and I know they need me to be there for them like he would and I am trying, but I just can’t leave him again, I won’t!” I said, breaking down again. I was trying to be so strong for everyone, but there really is only so much a thirteen-year-old boy can take sometimes.
It took us years to figure it out actually, I managed to continue a few minutes later. In fact, it wasn’t until we started middle school, we realised that we didn’t just love each other, but that we were in love with each other. On the surface we shouldn’t have worked really, we were kind of what you would call an odd couple, but we did work. Luca was smart and sporty, very sporty and I wasn’t. I was very smart sure, but I was the shy quiet nerdy type and the closest I got to sport was tabletop wargames, roleplaying games and I was pretty good at video games. But like I said, I wasn’t much for physical sports, I was a pretty decent skater though. Luke and Anakin had even built a small concrete park in an unused field by the barn with a little vert, a little street and a little bowl. He said he was sick of me destroying his farm equipment or the moms having to ferry me in and out of town, but I think both Luke and Anakin just wanted to do something nice for me.
Now, as I’m sure you are aware, in Texas, football is like a religion. Luca played it and was really good at it, he was amazing at baseball too. But I didn’t, I did play baseball occasionally, though I wasn’t that great at it, so I got singled out for ridicule sometimes. Especially when they thought Luca wasn’t around. I didn’t get much physical grief, but Luca was always my protector when I did. That didn’t matter to him though, he never treated me as anything other than an equal and I loved him for it and did the same for him whenever he was around my interests. At his games I was always his biggest cheerleader. Not surprisingly, he always managed to find me in the stands. He’d just flash me his winning smile, then get back to business. At my tourneys and comps, he was mine, so I guess it balanced out.
His protective nature, that’s how we got ourselves into this situation in the first place! By now though, we were starting to get into some better memories, and I could feel the mood start to lighten a little bit as I laid it all out for Dr Jack.
I remember it like it was yesterday, even though it was last year. We were having a sleep over at my house just after my birthday in June, which was two weeks after his. I should have known something was up, we only ever stayed at my house, if he had something important to talk about and didn’t want any interruptions. Usually, he wanted to stay close to home in case his brothers needed him, especially CJ, who at the time hadn’t been sleeping well at night and often ended up in Luca’s bed.
Tonight, it was just us though, alone in my room. That was the night he came out to me, he told me that he couldn’t keep it in any longer, that he was in love with a boy that he felt very strongly about. He got a little sheepish right then and for the first time ever I saw concern on his face that was directed at, or maybe because of me. I was happy for him though, and I told him so. I wrapped him in my arms like we’d done a million times before and told him that I still loved him no matter what. He seemed to melt into me and relax a little at that point. I guess even when you know the outcome, you can still be a bit weird when you come out.
The tale has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.
While we were still in each other’s arms, and I was processing what he just told me, I felt the final piece click into place within my heart. The thing that I was always missing from inside me, the piece that truly made me a better whole, was him all along. I had never noticed or really even thought about it before, but as I thought about it right then, I realised that when we touched, the feeling of wholeness was always there. I know that sounds super sappy, but that was the only way I could vocalise the thought, and I cringed inwardly while looking over at Dr Jack. He didn’t seem to notice my brief embarrassment, he was simply nodding and staring at his notebook while he scribbled things down.
As that particular penny dropped, I went on after a minute or two, I just knew who Luca was talking about and realised that I felt the same way. In my defence, I was only twelve at the time and although I really had considered that I might be gay, what boy doesn’t at that age? In all honesty though, I hadn’t given it that much thought. I mean, I was only just starting to figure my own self out, if you know what I mean? Not to mention, it was only yesterday girls were yucky, and I was just beginning to see them as equals even though the rest of our friends were already starting to talk about them like love interests at the lunch table. I just figured that I might be slow in catching up or something.
Revelations were coming thick and fast right in that moment, it seemed, because I suddenly realised that I had never heard Luca talking about girls in that way either, I guess now I understood why. Now that we were in the moment, in my heart I knew, well hoped that I was right. My mind needed to make sure though, so quietly I asked him who his crush was. His whole body immediately tensed up again and it took him a hot minute to build up the courage to speak again. In the tiniest of whispers and with the most scared I have ever heard him say anything before, he shakily whispered “You, I’m in love with you Riley.”
He must have really been struggling to hold it together, because I could feel his body shudder in waves when he said it and his voice cracked for the first time about halfway through. He was also holding on to me so tight, it was almost as if he never wanted to let me go again in case I flew away or something. I’d never felt, nor seen him so vulnerable and it scared me a little bit.
When I started to pull back so I could see his face, and look into his eyes, I felt his grip tighten even more. He eventually loosened his grip and let me go, but it must have taken all the strength of will he had left. As soon as our eyes met though, we both felt it, and we melted into each other all over again.
“We both had our first kiss that night.” I blurted out. “I’m not exactly sure how Luca felt about it, but for me it was equal parts weird, disgusting, wet and totally awesome! We got a lot better at it since then, not to mention a few other things, but I think I’ll keep those private, if you don’t mind?”
Dr Jack let loose a small snort-like chuckle before he managed to stifle it, then with a wink he nodded his agreement, and I spent the next minute or two searching his face, eyes, and body language to see if there was any judgement at that revelation. By now we had built some fairly decent trust, so I don’t know why I did it, why I needed to, or even what I expected to find. Whatever it was though, I didn’t find it, so I took a breath and finished out that session with the next part of the story.
We both decided to come out fairly quickly after that, neither of us were particularly good liars, nor did we even want to be dishonest or secretive with the ones we loved. So, picking our targets very carefully, over the next few weeks we slowly tested the waters and brought people in. We chose the moms first, because they seemed pretty safe, and they were super supportive. Both said they already knew, I don’t know about that! I guess it’s possible though, moms are pretty weird like that sometimes.
We told his brothers next, and they just said ‘Okay” and went back to their video games like nothing was different. Later, I started to actually wonder if they understood what we had told them. A couple of days afterwards though while we were waiting for the bus, CJ asked us “Are you guys going to get married now?”
Mikey giggled, but then tried to hush his little brother, Luca just smiled and slipped his hand into mine, turned to look me in the eyes, and said, “I hope so.”
CJ almost lost his cute little cowboy hat, it was pushed so far back on his head when he wrapped his little arms around us both and said, “I hope so too, I love my big brothers!”
I reached out and pulled Mikey into the hug and replied, “I love my little brothers too!”
We all settled down after that and the bus arrived not much later. On the ride into town, I mentally kicked myself a little for not taking the boys understanding seriously. They were good kids and as smart as their big brother, they were younger sure, but I should have given them more credit. I vowed that day that I would not make that mistake again.
We chose his dad next, which we were both a little concerned about, but for different reasons I thought. For Luca it was because his dad was ex-military and a rancher, a jock and a man’s man! For me it was because I didn’t have a dad, so over the years Luca’s dad, who told me on day one to just call him Luke, was kind of like a surrogate dad to me and always treated me like his fourth son. I was terrified that if it all went wrong that I would lose him, that I’d lose Luca, that I’d lose my home and the family that I loved so much. I guess Luca had much the same worries as well, though I didn’t realise that until later.
You see, over the years Luke had never left me out of anything. From him I learned what it was to be a good man, he taught me to cowboy right along with Luca, to ride and to rope, drive cattle, to shoot and to hunt, and pretty much everything else in between. If I’m honest, at first, I preferred the four-wheelers, to horses, they were easier on the balls. But the horses were pretty cool too, especially after I was given my own.
My horse was a gift from Luke on my tenth birthday, he told me that I couldn’t be a cowboy if I didn’t have a horse. I named him Tigger, because he was a coppery colour and kind of bounced around wherever he went, and that reminded me of the tiger from Winnie the pooh. Luke had given Luca his own horse for his tenth birthday a couple of weeks earlier and I guess he thought I should have one too. Luca had named his horse Onyx, which was kind of weird, because Onyx was more a tannish brown than black. I asked him why later and he shrugged it off, he said that he just liked the name. At the time I didn’t understand why he thought my middle name would be a good name for a brown horse, but that’s Luca for you.
We waited until after the branding that year to come out to Luke, when he would be home on a rare day off. We were both pretty tired from the last few days, we were considered finally old enough and had joined the drive and the following activities for the first time that year. As tired as we were though, we were more nervous than anything else when we approached Luke’s workshop where he was restoring his 1968 mustang. We hung out for a bit and helped here and there, passing him tools when he asked and generally just chatting away like normal. After a while, Luke just came right out and told us to tell him what we came to tell him.
I don’t know why I did it, or even what I thought it would achieve. I mean, if he wanted to, Luke could have knocked me through the wall and into next week, but I did tell you I was stubborn! Luca suddenly looked super nervous, like he was about to fly apart, so I took charge of the situation and stepped in-front of him. I dug my heels in while slipping my hand into his. I was determined that I was going to shield him from whatever happened if it all went wrong. I don’t know where that strength came from, but I just came right out and told my surrogate dad that his son and I were gay and in love with each other.
Luke was silent for a few minutes, and I thought the world was about to end, when he broke out into a fit of laughter. I don’t remember exactly what he said back to me after he had calmed down, but it was something like “I’m sorry boys, but Jesus, is that all? I thought you were gonna tell me you got some girls pregnant or something! Can you hand me that 3/8 socket?”
With that, he slid back under the car. Later I realised that he was probably trying to relieve the tension or something, but it was all a little too surreal for us. I did get him the socket, but after a few minutes of weird awkwardness, we weren’t sure it had all sunk in, so didn’t stay very long after that. I’m really not sure if we actually wanted to find out right then either. It had gone well enough and that was all that mattered.
From very early on both Luke and the moms decided that we should eat the evening meal with the family at the main house. Their reasoning was that two extra places weren’t that much difference and mom being not that great of a cook readily accepted. To her credit she helped where she could, but it wasn’t much, that woman could burn water! However, she could also turn a dollar into a thousand by snapping her fingers, so I guess her strengths lay elsewhere.
After dinner that night, Luca and I were going up to his room to finish some homework before bed. We had almost made it to the stairs when Luke called out from down the hall.
“Boys, my office!”
Both of us knew better than to ignore an instruction with that tone. Generally, we were good boys and spankings were a thing long in the past, but that tone was the one that could chill blood and wet pants at the drop of a hat. Luke was standing in front of a wall of photos when we entered and stood in front of his desk. He seemed distracted at first, but then like he had just remembered we were there; he turned his head to look back at us and pretty soon the rest of his body followed. He stood there rubbing his chin for a second as though deep in thought. Then, looking at us each in the eye, he finally said something.
“Are you happy, boys?” He asked.
Luca looked at him right in the eye for a second then turned to look at me in mine. He knew exactly what his dad was asking. He took my hands into his and replied, “I am daddy, I love him so much, I think I always have.”
“Riley?” Luke asked, after I didn’t respond immediately. I held Luca’s hands tight, and I was just kind of lost in his piercingly beautiful deep dark and loving eyes for so long, I hadn’t noticed that I hadn’t said anything.
I couldn’t have stopped the sappy smile that broke out on my face even if I tried, and all I managed to say was, “I’m so happy Luke, I’ve never been so happy! I really love him.”
Luke smiled and looked us over for a minute. Satisfied with whatever he found, he held his arms out, as if in silent request for us to come to him. When we got there, he pulled us together into a hug and simply said, “Well alright then.”
That was when we truly knew he was ok with us, and what we had told him. He only ever said that phrase when he was satisfied that all was right with the world. It was right then that we both realised that nothing had or would change in that house, or the ranch for that matter.
After he let us go, he just turned back to his photo wall. It was a pretty impressive display, but it was a completely different style from the family pictures in the main hall. I couldn’t tell you what all was there, but there were plenty of pictures of Luke and they looked like a bunch of them were from war movies. There was a big wooden case with a bunch of colourful medals in the middle of them all. But there were other photos too, some of Luke as a younger man, some of when he was a kid like us. I think there was some pretty famous people in some of them, but they were mostly just grownups in suits shaking hands, as far as I was concerned. This was the first time I’d actually paid proper attention to any of those photos, and I noticed for the first time that Anakin was in most of them, especially the war ones.
Once our families knew and we knew that we had a supportive base to work from, we thought it would be ok to come out more publicly. At first it went pretty well, but boy were we wrong in the end! But it’s too hard to talk about that right now, maybe later, but not now. “Okay?” I asked Dr Jack.
“It’s fine, we’ll get to that when you are ready and not before, no pressure, okay kiddo?” He replied, “Why don’t you finish up with coming out and then we’ll call it a day.”
It still amazes me, I told him a few minutes later. Even in this day and age, especially in small town America, there are still backwards people that have nothing better to do with their time. The ranch hands didn’t care when we told them, Even the more religious ones, didn’t seem that bothered, though I think both Luke and Anakin had a big part to do with that.
Anakin Swiftwater, I explained to Dr Jack, who was looking a little confused right then, was Native American and had been the ranch hand foreman for as long as I could remember. He was a quiet, reserved and very deliberate man, who was equal parts awesome and scary. He was a giant to my small boy’s eyes, though he was really only about 6’4. He was solid muscle though and moved like the wind. I even saw him with his shirt off once, when I was about eleven, and he was like chiselled rock! I noticed he was also covered in some pretty nasty scars, and I made the mistake of asking him how he got them. I thought he was going to kill me right then and there, but he just took a knee in front of me, put his hand more gently than I could have ever imagined on my shoulder and said, “Those stories are not for the ears of boys, even a two spirit. Maybe when you are older, we will have a sweat and I might tell you then.”
“Really?” I asked, as he stood back up to go on about his work. He stopped briefly to look back down at me.
“Probably not!” he replied, in his deep gravelly voice. He winked at me and chuckled wetly as he walked away. The next thing I knew he was tearing some hand a new asshole for making some mistake or another.
Anakin said he was of the Choctaw nation and would tell us stories over the campfire at night about how his people would one day reclaim the land taken from them. I got the idea he was trying to scare us or something, but Anakin had always been completely devoted to Luke and through him, his family, so I wasn’t ever sure if he would carry through with it. Having seen some of those photos, I was starting to get why the two were so close though. Regardless, he had always been good to us boys and always made us feel safe. I thought at first it was just a carryover from the way he was with Luke, but he was even the same with me.
When we came out at school, we only lost one friend, but we gained a couple of others, and they were all supportive. The administration however, that was another matter. They weren’t overtly homophobic, but school got a little harder and some of the teachers went a little crazy, with made up infractions and random detentions. A few of the parents had some problems with us as well after the news spread, but we didn’t know much about that at the time.
Some of the teachers and one of the assistant principals were on our side though, which made school mostly bearable, but we were still bullied. Anthony Jacobs and his asshole followers were the worst. Anthony was the loudest loudmouth bully at school, and our worst tormentor. He was the son of a pastor, who was also Rainwater Creek’s most outspoken homophobe and thought that gave him the right to bully anyone who was different, consequently he made it a point to make our lives hell.
Homophobic slurs were pretty common at first, so were the disgusting things they put in our lockers. Our supporters, staff and students alike did what they could to help us, but they couldn’t be everywhere and there were a few fights and the occasional suspension both in and out of school. I did what I could to help with those, but like I said, I’m no fighter and probably did more harm than good, consequently Luca bore the brunt of the more physical abuse. He never let the pain show though, he never gave them the satisfaction. In fact, the only time he ever showed any thought to it, was when he would occasionally break down in my arms at night. Seeing him like that was hard, but that was my strength, that was where I could be there for him, and I would never shrink from that responsibility.
The moms and Luke got involved straight away and my mom was scary good with the legal side! Luke brought in the county sheriff’s and mayor’s office. Both the sheriff and the mayor were close personal and lifelong friends of Luke’s and were also in some of those pictures on the office wall, now that I think about it. It took a bit of time, but eventually there were a lot of changes, mostly within the administration at the school, and it got better for a while.
That was all I could manage that day, I had to wait for the following session for the next part. I knew what was coming and the lighter mood from earlier was gone. I knew I needed some time to prepare myself both mentally and emotionally for the sadness to come.
The following session started just like the very first one, I just didn’t know where to start. I wanted to get it out, because I hoped Dr Jack could help me get through it. I knew I would never get over it, but I hoped he could give me a few tips to make it hurt a little less and help me to function.
The boys weren’t taking my distance well, especially CJ. I’d overheard the moms talking a few days earlier. Apparently, they had found him a few times in our beds in both houses on separate nights, Luca’s and mine having cried himself to sleep. How he travelled alone at night like that was anyone’s guess, but he was a resourceful little dude and a thinker like his dad. Mikey was older, but wasn’t taking it well either, I knew I had to get better, for them if nothing else. If I was to be the only big brother they had left, I needed to be a good one. Finally, I decided that I couldn’t hold it in any longer. My voice was quiet and cracked a bit as I began.
The night Luca died; my whole world fell apart. It had been months since anything really bad had happened and we thought it was getting safer. It was my birthday weekend, and we were now both thirteen. Finally, we were teenagers and we felt like we had taken our first step into a whole new world. The fair was in town, so to celebrate our anniversary, Luca took me out on a date. He was such a gentleman, and it really was so sweet. He held the back door of the truck open for me and then held my hand as we sat in the back seat on the way into town. He was doing his absolute best to be romantic, but he was never really good at that kind of thing. He did try though; he had planned it all out, he was even wearing his best black cowboy hat and that red shirt I loved so much. Romance was kind of more my thing than his, but he knew I liked it, so he did his best and I loved him so much for trying.
At first everything was awesome; we had dinner at Mamacita’s then went to the county fair. We messed around with friends and ate a bunch of junk food. That was something which neither of us did very often, but like I said, it was a special occasion. Then with our tummies full of amazing Mexican food, fairground corndogs, candy floss, and overpriced soda, we went on a bunch of rides. I’m surprised we didn’t blow chunks all over, but it sure was fun!
Afterwards he spent a ton of money at one of those shooting game stalls just to win me a teddy bear. He was normally a really good shot, almost as good as me even, but he was nervous and apparently was going for something very specific. The bear in question was a big one with soft white fur, brown eyes just like his and a big brown bow tied around its neck, and when he handed it to me, I fell in love with it immediately! We were both getting tired by then though, it had already been a long day, so we went and sat down by the stage and listened to the music for a while.
What happened next was totally my fault. I was so excited to finally be on a real date with the boy I loved. While the sweet sounds of some soft country played, my hand found his and our fingers intertwined. A few minutes later, after we turned to look each other in the eyes, he smiled sweetly at me, so I leaned in and kissed him. It really was a beautiful moment. We were both country boys at heart so of course we were wearing cowboy hats that night. But, just before our lips met, like magic our hats met first and gently pushed each other back on our heads like it was meant to be. The kiss was long and full of the love we had for each other. Afterwards, neither of us really thought too much about it. It was noticed though, and from then on wherever we went that night, we were followed.
They waited until we were alone in a quieter part of the fairgrounds, before they ambushed us. They pushed us around for a few minutes until Luca had finally had enough, and lashed out like a mad man with all of his years of football and martial arts training. With the first few swings, he dropped two of them, before they even knew what happened. This gave us an opening, and he screamed at me to run. I didn’t want to, I didn’t want to leave him, I wanted to stay and help! But he was so adamant, I could almost hear his father in his voice, and I ran. He was still fighting as I left him behind, trying with everything he had to keep them distracted so I could get away. For a minute he looked like he might be winning, but there was still so many of them.
I will never forget the look on his face right at that moment, the moment I hesitated, the moment I stopped and turned back to see if he was following me, and I saw the question of why in his eyes. The moment I saw Anthony Jacobs, lunge towards the boy I loved. The moment I saw that dickwad’s arm punch a couple of times and then the moment I saw him jump back away from a solid swing. The moment I saw the knife in Luca’s chest, a wet looking stain growing bigger and bigger around it, and the other holes in my perfect boy. The moment the looks of surprise and disbelief on Luca’s face were permanently etched into my brain. The moment I watched Luca fall. The moment my boyfriend, the boy I loved with all my heart died because of me!
***
Pain shoots through me and I jump sky high, but I’m still on the ground for some reason. I guess I was wrong, I do kind of see some lights, not very white though, more a dim sort of flashy red. I take a tentative breath, the last time I did that it really hurt, though I can’t quite remember why, so I wanted to test the waters some this time. In doing so I notice how easy it is, almost mechanical, almost like it’s being done for me or something, the air tastes weird though. Then I notice my mouth is full, but it isn’t just in my mouth, and I start to get some sexy flashbacks. It immediately occurs to me though, that my boy isn’t that big and for a second I feel like I’m choking. I also suddenly realise that I can’t move and therefore can’t actually do anything about it anyway, so I give up and go back to sleep instead.
I must be still asleep, I think I’m dreaming, it seems so real though. There’s so much noise, screaming siren type noises and lights. lots of bright lights now. I’m cold too, it feels like I’m naked, but I’m strapped into something and can’t move, and my chest feels heavy and restrained somehow and it hurts in a bunch of separate places now. I decide I don’t care, because I really don’t want to move anyway, it hurts when I do, so I try to stay still.
There are voices now as well, I’d heard them before, screaming and yelling and almost threatening, before I started moving. Now they’re just whispering, and they sound mostly sad, but I can’t make any of it out. There is another voice there and its harsh and I recognise it, but can’t place it, it makes me feel safe though. The harsh voice makes me feel safe and the little voice makes me feel loved, how weird is that? What’s that beeping sound, I wonder as I drift off again, never mind it’s only one note now, and it’s getting fainter, I can handle that.
The lights are back, but they’re different, muted. My mouth feels empty now, but it’s so dry, it’s never felt so dry before. I think I’m lying down, but I could be floating for all I know. I’m not cold anymore though, which is a bit of a plus, but I don’t feel like I’m quite all there either. It’s time to reflect, that’s what my daddy always says. “If you’re ever confused, stop, take a breath, reflect and re-evaluate.” He would say. So that is what I do. I take another breath and my throat hurts, but except for a slight dull ache, my chest doesn’t. Okay maybe it does a little, but nowhere near as bad as it did the last time I checked. That has got to be a tick in the win column. For the first time in a long time, my body actually feels sort of okay, and I struggle to remember the last time I felt this good. Or why it didn’t.
Okay awesome, what’s next, what can we hear? There is no loud monotone beeping anymore, don’t know when that went away and don’t really care either. What else? I can hear voices, but they’re muffled, like they’re in another room or something. That’s fine, probably none of my business anyway. I’m pretty sure one of the voices is that small one that makes me feel loved though, so that makes me feel good for a whole other reason, this also goes in the win column. Sometimes the voices are small and medium and are real familiar, the harsh one is there too. I try to talk to them, but nothing works, which kind of makes me sad, but they don’t go anywhere so it must be ok, I think. The other voices sound tinny and electronic, which is kind of weird, but doesn’t feel immediately relevant.
After a while, the first two voices stop or go away, and I feel a little lost without them. Then the small whispering voices starts again, its closer now and I want to reach out to it so bad, but I can’t make my body work and it goes away again. No matter how much I try to stop it, I think I drift in and out again for a time. I have no idea how long this lasts, but after a while, I’m able to concentrate on my thoughts again. Later on, I hear some snoring coming from nearby, it sounds small and super cute. Hmmm, not sure what that means, I’ll have to bank that away for later.
Okay, what can I see, that’s got to be the next priority, right? I move my eyes around and they feel like they’re stuck in place and as my lids crack open, they feel like sandpaper rubbing against my eyeballs and everything is really blurry. That particular sensation doesn’t last long though because I’m instantly blinded, even when just cracking them slightly and slam them back shut again. One thing is for sure though, wherever I’m at is a weird off yellowy white light colour. I get a little dizzy and nauseous when I try to open them again too fast a little bit later, and a much stronger white light blinds me all over again. After a super long time and about a million blinks my eyes begin to slowly cooperate, and the room finally starts to come into focus.
The first thing I see clearly is an enormous white tabby bear with brown eyes and a big brown bow tied around his neck propped up against the foot of what I now know is a bed that I’m in. For some reason, the bear looks familiar, but I can’t think why right now. Just beyond him though, I can’t quite believe my eyes and blink them a few more times just to make sure. Eventually I also have to wipe some crud from them as well, before I am sure, but right there in a chair by the window sits the most beautiful boy I’ve ever seen.
I know him so well, even if I closed my eyes, I could describe him in perfect detail, right down to all the little freckles he had in certain places. He's kind of small, in a way that the word slim doesn’t quite cover, and not very athletic. But to me he looks perfect, with his pale skin and golden blond hair. His eyes are closed right now, but I know they hold the most beautiful blue eyes I have ever seen. He is the source of that light snoring and now that I know where it’s coming from, it’s even cuter than I thought! This can’t be hell, I think to myself, something that perfect can’t exist in hell.
I can’t take my eyes off him; I don’t know how long I’ve been staring at him, but he barely moves. For some reason, his breathing seems more peaceful than it did a few minutes ago, more calm and that calms me as well. So much so, I’m almost falling back to sleep when a nurse walks in pushing a small trolley. Ah, hospital I guess, that makes some sense. Probably why I have tubes and wires coming out of me as well. She looks at me and her eyes widen in surprise. She’s about to say something, when I slowly raise my finger to my lips and shush her, while pointing towards the boy in the chair with my other hand.
“Let him sleep” I say and am instantly shocked that my voice is super quiet and raspy as all hell, like it’s been forever since I used it last. She looks over at him then back at me and nods with a sweet smile. Pushing her cart next to the bed, she reaches over to the side table and gets me a glass of water with ice chips and a straw to sooth my mouth and throat. ‘Thanks”, I say to her, “How long have I been here?”
“About three weeks” she whispers back, as she goes about her work taking measurements and bloods and pressures and whatever. “That’s a good friend you have there, except for once when his daddy carried him out while he was asleep and he came back on his own a few hours later, he hasn’t left your side the entire time you’ve been here. Even when we threatened to kick him out, he stood his ground, he said he’d break his own arm or leg, or chain himself to the bed if he had to, just to stay with you.” That made me smile at first, but then also sad that he would actually hurt himself, but I could totally see him going through with that threat.
“He’s my best friend”, I reply, my voice feeling a lot stronger now that the water has soothed it. “My boyfriend.”
“That’s sweet,” she said, as she went about her business.
“Luca?”