“‘Kay, I’ll see you later, baby.” Crouching on the ground, I brush my girl’s hair behind her ear. As I do, I notice how some tears are starting to form in the corner of her eyes. Seeing her clinging to my sleeve with such an abandoned puppy-like expression on her face, I can’t help but slightly grimace.
"...Mama…" She starts calling at me in between sobs, dragging the attention of some of the parents that have also come to drop off their kids to the nursery school. Ignoring them, I wipe my baby girl's tears away as they start running down her cheeks, one at a time. Seeing her cry like this, I can't help but get a painful reminder of how there are still things that are able to move my heart.
Today…is going to be the first time in Sora's life that she'll be separated from me for a long period of time. Well, it'll be the first time that she'll be conscious of it, at least.
Back when Sora was born, I had just started the first year of my three year-long high school. Since my due date was so close, I started school that year with my pregnant belly in full force, putting me under the spotlight. Nobody directly approached me to ask if I was pregnant, but I could listen to the rumors that went around about me. Some called me a bitch—a slut who had slept with as many men as stars in the sky—while others went around spreading the word that 'you have to be careful around Sakura Saeki in case you don't want to be baby-trapped.'
Those were…tough days. I still remember it as if it was yesterday.
∆∆∆
"Is she actually pregnant?"
"Dude of course she is, can't you see her stomach? She's obviously knocked up." It was already a daily matter to hear that type of stuff while I walked down the hall to my classes. This is my life now, is what I thought as I lowered my gaze to the ground, despite knowing how stupid it was to do such a thing.
Why? Because when you lower your head, the only thing that you do is give the other party permission to step over you. The moment you show weakness is the moment you establish yourself at the lowest step of the food chain, and at that moment, I was branding myself as someone inferior to them. In human society, superiority is everything; human life is nothing more than a journey to ascertain one's superiority over the rest, to prove their own worth. In the eyes of society, life's success isn't measured on 'stupid' things, like happiness and values. No, it is measured in how superior you are compared to your peers.
Why do you think that comparison to determine who is superior exists? Hm? You don’t know? Well, that’s of course because there is nothing to compare it with, there is no such thing as ‘value’. Think about it this way: what is the difference between an old, and a new smartphone? No, no, no. Cross that. Try to think about what makes one much more expensive than the other. That’s right, one of them is more expensive because it has a better screen, a better camera, more features, and more storage space than the other. It is only when you start comparing them that you start noticing how much more valuable one is than the other. A thing’s value comes from how well it fares against its competition. It comes from how superior it comes out to be when in a comparison. It is only then that something can be said to have ‘value’.
It is the same for human beings. Every day, people compare themselves with their peers.
‘Oh, I’m smarter than her.’
‘Oh, I’m taller than him.’
“Oh, I make more money than them.”’
Why? Because obtaining a ‘value’ for themselves is what allows them to live, what allows them to be happy with themselves, and what raises their worth. For being superior is something that humans naturally yearn for. It’s in their nature—or rather, it’s what society has established since the beginning of times. Because in society, your ‘value’ is what determines your success as a human being.
Did you manage to become a successful business owner? Splendid, the people shall praise your wisdom, and how you managed to rise above the competition.
Did you get stuck as a mere worker all your life? Pathetic, the people shall condemn your ineptitude, and how you were outshined by everyone.
That’s how it is.
Society is a game of superiority; a game where the weak like me are only used to put the strong on a pedestal, like an extra character in a power fantasy story just used to showcase how strong the main character is. And in this game, there are no rules; everything is fair play. Ah, wait…. Wasn’t there something that was supposedly used to regulate the game…hmm…what was it called……………ah, that's right. 'Morality'...was it? What a load of crap. Morality’s nothing more than just another card to play when you lose against someone, and your poor pride can’t handle it.
In that situation, you claim to have the 'moral high ground,' that your values are superior, because there is no way to prove that is not the case. And so you say something like: ‘He might have more money than me, but that’s fine, because I prefer to be as I am right now, rich of heart.’ Like, come on; shut the fuck up, of course you don’t. Most people would throw their personal values out the window the moment they get an opportunity that favors them. Claiming to have the moral advantage is nothing more than a pathetic effort of bringing down the opponent while saving a bit of face in the process. Outside of that…do you think anybody actually cares about your morality and your values?
Indeed, just then and there, I could've stopped and yelled at those whispering fuckers that they were being rude, and that what they’re doing is not something ‘good’ people would do…but what would I win from doing that? Do you think they’d apologize and back down? No. They'd only laugh at me. If cattle could talk, do you think they'd tell the butcher that killing and then eating them is 'wrong'? That they shouldn't do it, because then they'd turn into 'bad' people? And even more than that, do you think the butcher would stop, just because they are afraid of turning into a ‘bad person’? Ridiculous. Nobody cares about morality as long as they don't get punished because of it. Up till that point, morality is nothing more than a fairytale.
And nobody cares about fairytales after growing up.
The sound of their scoffing laughter flooded my ears in seconds. I couldn't shut them out, there were simply too many voices in the hall, all seemingly trying to humiliate me for my predicament. Right at that moment, I was at the lowest step of the food chain, and was about to be devoured alive if I didn't do anything. …But what could I do? Deny that I was pregnant? Even the most fool of fools would see through that lie, my stomach is a ball, for fuck’s sake Then should've I done the opposite and confirm the rumor? Of course not. In their eyes, confirming that I’m pregnant would be the same as confirming that I was a slut, that all rumors were true, even the malicious ones.
I was in a complete dead-end.
"They're all pieces of shit. Don't pay them any mind." The only one who was at my side at that time was Rei, standing tall to my left without showing an ounce of fear. With his golden locks and overflowing confidence, he somehow managed to exude an aura of nobility, of something that couldn't be shaken regardless of what struck him.
He was completely different from me, who couldn't even walk through the hall with my head raised, out of fear of making eye contact with anyone. He, the successor of one of the biggest and most influential companies of the country, was someone nobody with a bit of reason dared to recklessly mess with. But me? I was the second daughter of some random lower-middle class family that struggled to make ends meet every month. Combined with my shy personality, I had nothing that could protect me in this place.
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My school was considered the most elite in the whole country, and as such, most of the students here were the children of extremely powerful people either politically, or financially. Rei fits in that category. Me, on the other hand, was studying there on a scholarship that I got thanks to Rei's father, who was a friend of my parents. The school giving a scholarship was an extremely rare occurrence; that just goes on to prove just how much influence Rei’s father holds. Well, regardless of that, the point is that in such an elitist society, nobody respected those who weren't in the same social level as them.
In other words, they didn't respect me. They didn't bully me, or anything like that. They simply…treated me as if I didn't exist. Well, until I got pregnant, at least.
"...I…know…" I tried to reassure Rei with a smile, but I couldn't muster the strength to paste one on my face. Even worse than that, I couldn't look him in the eyes, and instead kept my gaze down. Everytime he tried to console me like that, I only found myself being hurt more and more…and feeling more apologetic towards him.
Together with the rumors of my pregnancy, it also came into question who the father of the hypothetical baby was. Babies don't appear out of thin air, after all. So that being the case, it made complete sense for people to turn their attention towards Rei, who was at my side at all times. Since the school covered all the way from kindergarten to high school, most of the students I had been classmates with never changed. They, who had seen my friendship with Rei since kindergarten, could only reach the conclusion that the baby was his. A wrong conclusion, but a conclusion in the end.
But unlike with me…nobody dared to say anything to his face. Because unlike me, who's position in this school was at the lowest, he was the apex predator.
"Tch." Rei clicked his tongue in annoyance at me. He had always detested how I could never find the courage to stand for myself. And I couldn't blame him. I hated it as well.
As I thought that, we reached a section of the hall that leads to another hallway to the left, and a staircase to the right. If we turned to the right there, we would be able to reach our classroom in less than three minutes, and finally escape this hell. But we didn't have the intention to turn right. At the end of the hallway to the left, there was an elevator that anyone could use, with its only disadvantage being that it was very far away from most classrooms. The school had intentionally installed it this way, to have us choose between time and commodity. Would you waste 10 minutes of your time taking the elevator to be more comfortable, or would you use the stairs and get to your destination much faster? That was the proposed question.
Before getting pregnant, I'd never even considered using the elevator, because I didn't see the need of wasting time only for the sake of not going up a few stairs. But at that moment, it was different. As my belly grew bigger from the pregnancy, my sense of balance started severely deteriorating. So much that even walking took a heavy toll on my stamina. For that reason, stairs were no longer a valid option for me. The fear of losing balance and falling was just too much for me to bear. I already had enough fears concerning the birth and maternity, I didn't need to add falling and suffering a miscarriage to my list.
So with that said, Rei and I prepared to turn right when…
"?!" Somebody walked into my left shoulder from the front. Rei was originally on my left, yes, but when we started to turn around, he had moved a bit faster than me, which had left a gap between both of us.
The person who crashed into me took that chance and did his thing, and then started raising his face to look at me. I could slowly see a smirk starting to appear on it. That's right…that had already been the fourth time in the day that someone had crashed into my shoulder. It was supposed to just be another prank, just another way of messing with me…except that this time, things had gone too far. Due to the force from the impact, my body was pushed to the right—toward the stairs. And I…
…lost my balance.
That day, for the first time in my life, I saw Rei's expression turn into one of fear, and panic. But rather than being concerned about that uncommon expression of his, there was a single thought in my mind.
I'm going to lose the baby.
…That was the only thing I could think of. It kept repeating itself in my mind over and over and over again, like a broken record. My back was facing the stairs, if I fell, not only would it be highly possible that I'd suffer a miscarriage, but it also wouldn't be really shocking if I died. But…I couldn't care any less about that. If I was going to lose the baby in the fall, then…
…I'd rather just die together with them right here and now.
That was my thought process. I had nothing else; my baby was everything I had even unborn, and so If I was going to lose that last thing that I considered precious…then I would've just preferred to die.
"SAKURA?!" But to my luck, Rei reacted faster than anyone. He jumped forward, and thrusted his hand toward me. I smiled a bit when I saw that. While I had already given up in my situation, there came this guy, somehow telling me that it wasn't over till he said so. Hahaha…such an arrogant implication…one that I couldn't help but do my best to honor. So in response, I tried to plant my feet firmly on the ground for even a second, no, a millisecond more, just long enough to let him reach…
…and it worked. Our hands touched, and with a single pull, Rei got me away from the staircase with an audible grunt.
"Sakura! Are you okay?!" Standing in front of me, Rei stared straight into my eyes, still with a concerned expression. He lightly grabbed me by the shoulders, to try to stabilize my shaking body. I tried to open my mouth to answer, but my words wouldn't come out. I couldn't even thank him, as when the relief started to kick in, it caused me to collapse on my knees straight onto the floor.
After that…the dam broke.
Tears started uncontrollably spilling from my eyes. I hate crying in front of others, yet I couldn't stop myself from crying right then and there, in front of the eyes of countless people that had gathered, wondering what was going on. I didn't even try to wipe my tears away. I had been so scared that the moment I relaxed, all of the tears that I had been holding back till that point came out without being able to stop them. That was the extent of how emotionally shaken I was.
"YOU FUCKER! WHY DID YOU PUSH HER?!" Apparently guessing I was physically alright, Rei left me to cry on the floor and exploded in rage against the one who pushed me. He grabbed him by the collar and pinned him against the wall, pressing his arm horizontally on the guy's neck.
"Krgh! K-Krgh! L-Let me go!" The guy protested as he was choked, but Rei didn't seem to give a fuck. He smashed his head against the wall again and again, demanding to know why he had done that. It was at this point that the faces of everyone around us started to grow pale for the first time.
….Why only now? What about when I was about to fall? I thought while still crying.
"TELL ME,.DAMMIT!" Rei's voice echoed louder than any of the onlookers', and even more so than my own sobbing and crying. The sound of the guy’s head being smashed against the wall again and again started to create a rhythmical melody that everyone in the scene other than me wanted to stop.
"R-Rei, that's enough…" one of the spectators said as he tried to approach.
"Y-Yeah, that's right…it was…an…an…an accident! Y-Yes, that's right! H-He bumped into her by accident!" another exclaimed, and everyone in the crowd started nodding in agreement.
"BY ACCIDENT?! HE PUSHED HER! SHE COULD'VE DIED, FOR FUCK'S SAKE! ARE YOU ALL FUCKING STUPID?!" But Rei didn't back down. Not only that, but rather than showing signs of backing down, he seemed to have increased the strength in his grip. Everyone's attention was now on him.
…And that’s when I came to a realization.
The only thing that the onlookers cared for was to save their brother in arms.
Nobody gave a shit about the victim.
Nobody gave a shit about me.
After Rei, nobody approached to soothe me, or to ask me if I was okay.
There was nobody trying to understand my situation.
There was nobody feeling sorry for what I had just gone through.
No, in that moment, there were only people who looked at me in hopes that I stopped Rei's rage.
Only people that screamed at me with their eyes. 'Do something about this, everything's your fault, so take responsibility!' they all seemed to say.
Right…while the one who almost killed me is being protected…I, who almost fell down the stairs for his stupidity…don't receive even a single word of concern…or a single drop of compassion.
This is………………amazing.
............................That was…the day that I lost my faith in people.