5

A Bar a Mile Long, a Maid for Every Man

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"They don't sell beer!" Ryam shouted. All around the pub, the assembled Hounds booed and groaned. And then, with a wide grin, he added, "they give it away!"

The Hounds then cheered, shouting "Aye!" in approval and raising their steins and wineskins into the air.

Kieran, a tall, blonde mercenary, piped up next, "They don't have mugs! They use buckets instead!"

"There's only one barmaid! Fer every man!" Added Fat Edd.

And then Hicks leapt up on top of a table, shouting over the ruckus all the other Hounds were making, "They wear black stockings!" There… wasn't exactly much disagreement with that one. In fact, many of the men nodded in quiet approval. But then, that fox-like smirk of his spread across Hicks' face, as he finished: "AND NAUGHT ELSE!"

The pub exploded with cheers and laughter so loud they made his ears ring. Still, Young Edd laughed along with them, and took a drink from one of the many tankards in his hands.

"Hurry it up, Slick! Red's all empty here!" Hicks called as he sat back down, patting the man of the hour on the back. "Get our boy another one!"

Ansel sat beside him, woozily shaking his head. "N-no, no, I'm okay," he mumbled.

"Right, comin' through, chief," Edd said, as he sat across from them and laid the drinks down. Five frothy tankards of stout ale for himself and the other Hounds, and five tall cups of mulled wine for Ansel. Practically every one of the Hounds had bought him a drink at some point, despite Ansel's insistence that he could pay for himself. "Here you are, your lordship," Edd said, giving him a grin, "your fancy nobleman's drink."

Ansel laughed back at the poor joke and grabbed at a cup with an unsteady hand. He was going to be sick, Edd realized. Probably not right then, and maybe not even before the night was over. But some time tomorrow morning, when they finally began to make their way back to Ken, poor Ansel would definitely regret all the wine he was inhaling right now.

He'd made it very, very clear a few nights prior that he'd never been one for drinking. That was up until Fat Edd had pushed a mug of wine into his hands and told him to drink up. He changed his tune pretty quickly after that.

Ansel drained his mug with a few deep gulps, and his face flushed red from the alcohol. He then stared at Edd, as if in thought, before leaning in. "Say, Edd, I've been meaning to ask something—You and Fat Edd, are you guys related?"

Edd merely stared back for a few moments before erupting into laughter along with Hicks. "It's 'cause of the names, innit?" He managed to ask, in between chuckles.

"Well, yeah. I figured it had to be something like that."

"Well, no, Slick and the big lad aren't related," Hicks said. "It's just… Well, call it a company rule."

Ansel frowned, tilting his head in confusion. "A rule?"

"'Company rule,' he says," Edd scoffed. "C'mon, chief, don't lie to him. You know it's just a joke at this point."

Hicks rolled his eyes, turned back to Ansel, and elaborated, "See, there's a lot of folks in the Hounds. And a lot of them have names that start with 'Ed.' Y'know, like 'Edward,' or 'Edison,' or somesuch. I guess it's gotta be common in all the kingdoms, or something. So, at some point, someone got sick of it all, and just started calling 'em 'Edd.' And then gave them the nicknames on top to tell who's who."

"Take the big lad, Fat Edd, for example," Reese cut in, as he approached the table and sat at Edd's side. "His name's Edwin, I think. And since he's such a fat fucker, well, he gets to be Fat Edd."

Of course, there were plenty more Edds besides just the two of them. Lazy Edd was an older, laid-back man, who moved about slowly and always acted deliberately. Surly Edd was a right cunt, with a mean temper and an even meaner arm. Then there was an orc called Ugly Edd, but the locals had kicked up a fuss about bringing the aberrants into the town. So in the end, the aberrants remained outside, back in the Hounds' camp, and Ansel didn't get a chance to see that one.

There had also been a Dead Edd once, but not any more.

Reese grabbed at one of the tankards and gestured to Edd. "Slick here, we call him Young Edd 'cause he's the youngest Edd. Hell, I think he might just be the youngest of the Hounds." He turned to Edd, looking him up and down with a curious eye. "What're you again? Fifteen?"

Edd glared back. "I'm seventeen," he corrected. "So no, Mal's the youngest one."

"Seventeen?" Hicks repeated with a chuckle. "Shit, Slick, you're fourteen, tops."

As Edd groaned, exasperated, Hicks turned to Ansel, nudging him on the side. "Speaking of; what're you, again? Twenty-something?"

He shook his head. "Nineteen, actually," Ansel answered, after taking another deep gulp. "I just turned this spring." He then turned back to Edd with a curious quirk of the brow. "So, what's your name, Edd?"

"None of your fucking business," he immediately responded. He realized his mistake the moment he saw Reese and Hicks share a look, then smirk in unison. "Uh, I- I mean—Ack!" He cut off with a yelp as Reese's arm wrapped around his neck, placing him in a headlock.

"Oh yeah, I forgot!" Reese laughed, "you just haaate your name, don't ya?"

"G-get the fuck offa me, man!" Edd growled through clenched teeth, which only seemed to prompt further mocking laughter from Reese.

Hicks put a finger to his chin, as if he were in deep thought. "What're you called again? Ed… something. Edan?"

"No."

"Edel?"

"Stop it."

"Ed...fred…?"

Edd sucked his teeth. "Come on, chief, this shit ain't funny anymore."

"Or was it…" A smirk spread across Hicks' face, as he snapped his fingers. "Ah, that's right, you're Edgardo!"

"Edgardo Marín!" Reese snickered, as he brought his other hand up and began grinding his knuckles on Edd's head. Together, he and Hicks began sing-songing, "~There was something in the air that night! The stars were bright, Edgardo~!"

"Agh, fuck, come on!" Edd could do little but flail against him, grumbling and cursing all the while. "Shut up, godsdamn it, fuck!"

Finally, after several unending moments of that cruel and unusual torture, Ansel piped up. "Hey, um, speaking of nicknames, what's the deal with mine?" he asked, drawing their attention. Reese even stopped his prodding at Edd's head. "'Red Ansel,'" he said with a small frown, "it sounds kind of… I dunno, weird?"

"What, you don't like it?" Hicks asked.

Ansel shook his head. "No, no, I didn't say that, it's just... Well, I guess I just don't get it."

Edd could see Reese rolling his eyes, even from his position. "What's so hard to get about it? You're a ginger, and you were pretty much fighting covered head-to-toe in blood the other day. I mean, ain't nothing more impressive than some mighty warrior, slaying aberrants while showering in their blood."

Ansel glanced away, looking almost embarrassed as he scratched at his chin. "W-well, you do know most of that blood was mine, right? Heck, probably even all of it, now that I think about it. That's not really something I'd call impressaggh—!"

And then Hicks reached over and placed him into a headlock of his own.

"Come on now, don't bog yourself down with all the details!" Hicks grinned, as he also began to scrape Ansel's head with his knuckles. "You're practically famous now, old son. So just shut up and enjoy the damn praise!"

And with that, the two of them had their scalps ground to dust under Hicks and Reese's merciless knuckles. Life truly was suffering.

Then it all came to an end as someone approached. "Excuse me," a woman's voice came, just barely audible over the pub's din. "I'm looking for Ansel Eschenwald?"

Reese's grip on him slackened so quickly Edd almost felt disoriented. He brought his head up, rubbing at his neck, and then he caught sight of her. And man, oh man, was she ever a sight for sore eyes.

The woman that had walked up was of average height and striking beauty, wearing a short green cloak which fell over her torso, obscuring most of her form. Still, from what Edd could see, hers appeared to be an athletic build, giving him the impression that she was a fighter of some sort. Her blonde, straight hair was tied into a single braid which fell loosely down one shoulder, and the gentle dusting of freckles over her cheeks emphasized her green eyes and cute, smooth features.

Really, he might have let out a rather inappropriate whistle if he had any air left in his lungs, and his skull didn't feel like it was on fire.

"Well, you're in luck there, missy." Hicks was the first to recover, his eyes still roaming over her. He sat up straighter and repositioned his arm, so that it was around Ansel's shoulders rather than his neck. "This here is Ansel. He fights real good, and we're all proud of him," he said, patting the guy's back as if to punctuate every word. "He's a right proper lad."

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Ansel's eyes widened in recognition, and he spoke up, smiling. "Ah, hey, I saw you the other day! You had a spear, right? You saved me from an orc!"

The woman briefly looked surprised, but then laughed softly in return.

"My name is Diana," she said with a short bow. "And really, I could tell you the same thing. You and your friends saved our lives, Herr Eschenwald." She turned to Hicks and gave him a grateful nod and smile as well.

I like her smile, Edd decided. It did interesting things to her pink lips, which were already plenty attractive.

"And my brother, too," Diana continued, "you went out of your way to save Pepin from that minotaur."

"Pepin…? Oh, he was the one with the pot over his head, wasn't he?"

Somehow, Edd got the feeling that he might have missed something spectacularly stupid.

Again, Diana laughed and nodded, twirling a finger around her braided hair. "That'll be him. Again, I can't thank you enough for what you've done for us. And for everyone in this town."

Ansel shook his head with a small grin. "Ah, well, it's no trouble, Frau Diana. I'm just happy to hear you're all okay," he said, all bright eyes and sincerity.

…And then he was silent.

…And then nothing else happened.

...And then Diana's pretty smile started to waver, just a little.

Edd met Hicks and Reese's unimpressed gazes, realizing that, whatever this was, Ansel was fucking it up. And boy, he was fucking it up immensely.

In a sort of heat-of-the-moment action, he piped up with the first words that came to mind, just as Hicks opened his mouth to speak as well. "Say, Ansel, why don't you share some of your fancy wine with Frau Diana here?" he said, kicking Ansel's shin beneath the table, before standing up. "C'mon, you've got plenty, so be generous, man."

Edd suddenly found himself feeling very lucky that looks couldn't kill. Otherwise, Hicks probably would have gutted him alive with the furious glare he sent his way.

Ansel, meanwhile, just gave him a look like a startled deer, as his face began to redden.

After a few moments, Hicks closed his eyes and let out a breath. When he opened them again, he just shrugged. "What the hell. Guess we'll get out of your hair, then."

"What, seriously?" Reese scoffed, "don't you wanna—"

"Oh, shut up," Hicks cut him off. "Let the puppy have his treat. He's earned it. We'll just have to make do someplace else," he said, as he stood up and patted Ansel on the shoulder one last time.

Reese grunted and glowered, but stood up and followed as well.

Hicks then leaned over to Edd, "By the way, you're buying."

"Huh?" He recoiled. "The fuck are you talking about? I just paid for the last round!"

"Chyeah well, tough shit, Edgardo. Now you're spotting the next one," Hicks sneered. "And the one after that, too, if you don't learn when to shut your damn mouth."

"H-hey, guys wait, uh, wha- what about the… Um… E-edd? Hicks?" And as the three Hounds walked away, Ansel sputtered and tripped all over his own tongue as Diana sat herself across from him.

Edd palmed his face with a sigh. There was something seriously wrong with the world, if Ansel Eschenwald could stare down a mob of aberrants without hesitation, but turned into this gibbering mess when faced with a pretty girl.

"You better appreciate this, you dumb bastard," Edd muttered, as he let Hicks drag him away, already feeling his coinpurse deflate.

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I watched my friends walk away, Edd turning to give me one last uncertain thumbs up, before disappearing behind the crowd. Slowly, almost hesitantly, I turned back to face Diana. And suddenly, despite all the drinks I'd just had, my mouth felt very dry.

So, uh.

This was happening.

Out of the corner of my eye, I vaguely noticed that many of the patrons around us had gone quiet, silently watching. So with a shaky hand, I lifted my cup to my lips and gave it a gulp. This seemed to satisfy the onlookers, as they turned around back to their own tables. Meanwhile, I looked to Diana, whose smile now appeared about as strained as mine felt.

"If you'd like me to leave…" she began, before I cut in, shaking my head.

"Oh, no no, it's fine!" I said. "I'm sorry, it's just that, uh… Well, I wasn't really expecting this, you know?" I let out an awkward laugh and scratched at my chin, grasping at pretty much the first topic that came to mind for conversation. "Uh, so, um. Are you from here? From Halem, that is?"

She nodded. "More or less. My family's lived here for generations, Herr Eschenwald."

"Hey, just 'Ansel' is fine by me, Frau Diana."

"Okay. Then you can just call me Diana, too, Ansel." Her smile spread, now looking more genuine. "What about you? Where are you from?"

"I'm from Blumenbruck. It's a town way south past the fortresses, in Südland."

"Ah, I guess that explains your accent," she said, leaning slightly forward towards me. "You don't much sound like a northerner."

"I guess not, huh?" Almost unbidden, my thoughts turned south, towards home, and my family. I found myself wondering about my own brothers and my sisters, about what they might be doing right now. Well, given what time it was, I'd imagine they all must have been sleeping. As for my parents…

I let out a chuckle.

"What's so funny?" Diana asked, cocking a brow.

"Just thinking about my folks back home. If my mum or dad heard about all this business with orcs, and aberrants, whatnot… Well, I can't imagine they'd be too happy with me."

"Hah, I can imagine," she said, laughing along with me. "My grandparents would probably lock me up and never let me leave their home again."

"Yeah? Then, what's your family like?"

"It's quite large," she said. "Aside from my brother, I have lots of cousins and aunts and uncles throughout the town. Though, my parents died when I was little, so my grandparents took us in."

I frowned and shuddered, my mind struggling to imagine what it'd be like to lose someone in my family, much less my parents.

"I'm sorry," I said.

Diana shook her head with a small smile. "Don't be," she said. "It was a long time ago now."

And just like that, that initial uncomfortable tension melted away, and led to a more natural conversation. I found that I actually enjoyed myself talking with her, whiling away the hours.

Time went on, and as the night grew late, the other patrons began trickling out, heading back to their homes, rooms, or respective encampments. I stretched my arms and let out a yawn, starting to feel sleepy myself, as Diana stood from her seat. "I should start heading back home," she said, nodding to me with a grin. "Thank you. This was fun."

"Yeah, same here," I said, smiling back, before offering; "Say, Diana, would you like me to walk you home?"

Her smile took on a coy look that made me feel a bit sheepish."I know how to find my way back, Ansel," she said.

"Y-yeah, I know, it's just…" I trailed off as Diana grabbed my arm and stuck hers out, linking them together. "Erm…"

"It's for balance!" she said, her face now ablush despite her still present smirk. "You know, so neither of us stumbles and falls."

I felt my face heat up so much, I was actually concerned I might somehow catch on fire.

We stepped outside together. It must have rained while I was inside, as the night felt a bit damp and smelled like wet grass. And despite everything I'd heard about alcohol warming people up, I let out a brief shiver at the pleasantly cool air.

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Diana biting at her lip with her face scrunched up in thought.

"Everything okay?"

"Ah, yes, I'm fine. It's just… You're leaving tomorrow, aren't you?"

I nodded. "Yeah. We'll start heading for Ken first thing in the morning."

She nodded back with a quiet hum, and remained silent as we walked. Diana led me through streets I hadn't visited before, along rows of homes and workshops and stores. I felt it was kind of a shame I wouldn't be able to see them in the daytime.

Eventually, we came to a stop before the house where she lived alone.

"Well," Diana said, "this is me."

"Okay," I responded with a nod. "Good night, Diana—"

A hand clasped around my wrist as I turned around, stopping me in my tracks. When I looked back, I saw Diana holding on to me, looking away with a blush that made her freckles stand out.

"Diana?"

"You're… the place where you're staying, it's far away, isn't it?"

It was. Me and a few of the other Alliance soldiers were bunking together at a stable near the edge of town. A lot of people had offered to let me stay in their homes, or just pay for a room at an inn, but I couldn't really bring myself to accept those offers. Walking Diana back had taken some time, and I was actually at the complete opposite end of town, but I didn't really mind.

I nodded and told her as much.

Finally, Diana raised her green eyes and met mine, and her face managed to flush even redder as she said, "Then… would you like to spend the night here?"

I almost refused, on reflex, when my mind caught up to what she'd said.

...Oh.

I'll be the first to admit that I'm not very socially adept, and yeah, I can get to be awkward at the worst of times, but even I could understand the implication there.

And, well… To be honest, I didn't really want to say "no."

"Okay," I answered, and Diana beamed as she opened the door and let me in.