I stared at him, this beautiful man that I had come to know. He was my captain, my superior. Yet somehow, I had found myself falling for him, despite the cruelty of this world. I loved him. The man with the raven black hair and steel grey eyes. That man that had killed numerous titans and was not afraid to protect those he cared about. The man I had never seen smile for he had lost so much. Captain Levi was the man I had fallen in love with. As I watched him quietly, I studied his face. He never let his guard down, he never showed his emotions, he dedicated his heart numerous times. Yet in this moment, he looked exhausted. Like somehow all the life had been drained out of him.

He had lost his mother, his close friends, his commander and his uncle. And I guess even he had a breaking point. Sometimes people forget he is human, sometimes people forget that he has feelings just like any other. But in this moment, he finally let his walls down. I had come there to see if he was alright and it was clear to me, he was not. Suddenly there was a thud, and a clank. I jumped and was startled out of my trance. Captain Levi was on the floor, shaking from head to toe, his swords had dropped to his sides. That is when he screamed and pounded his fist on the floor.

‘Damn it!!” He screamed out. And that’s when I saw the wetness on his face. Tears were streaming down and hitting the floor softly. I had never seen this man, my beloved captain, ever break down like this. This world was cruel and yet somehow, he managed to remain strong. Until now.

‘Captain? I murmured softly. I lifted up my candle to see his face better. He had bags under his eyes, his hair slightly disheveled, his cravat wrinkled. He continued to sob heavily. I don’t believe he heard me for he did not acknowledge my existence.

“Captain Levi?” I said once more, only to still be met with the sounds of his weeping. I moved closer, unsure of how close I could get to him. This man that I loved, humanity’s strongest soldier sat in front of me, me of all people showing a side of him that no one else had seen. I gently set the candle down and sat beside him, my heart racing from being so close to him. I slowly put my hand on his shoulder, unsure of how this would be received. Suddenly a hand shot up and grabbed my wrist, Levi glaring at me for a moment before realizing who it was. Recognition slowly came upon his face and he slowly took his hand off my wrist before allowing me to place it on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry,’ he whispered, his voice strained. I could feel the wetness of his tears on the palms of my hands.

‘Shh its ok, ‘I whispered back, my heart beating even faster.

‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I couldn’t save them…I couldn’t save them…’ he sobbed. Tears began to well up in my eyes for seeing the man I loved in pain like this. How long has he harbored these feelings? How long has he bore this burden alone? Too long it seemed.

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‘Captain, can I…’ but before I could finish my sentence, to my surprise, he laid his head against my chest. My heart was pounding so loud at this point I’m sure he could hear it. My cheeks began to flush red from the sudden closeness of him. I could feel the warmth of his body, could see the muscles strained beneath his shirt. I had longed for this moment for so long, but not like this. I timidly put my hands around him as he continued to sob quietly. And when he did not move or try to push me away, I figured this was ok. I held him as he continued to weep for what felt like hours. I did not care, the man I loved was in pain and I wanted to be there for him. My heart ached seeing him this way. I did not know what else I could possibly do for him, other than just be there for him. My hands were trembling from being so close to him, the heat in my cheeks intensified. I wanted to tell him how I truly felt about him, how he was more to me than just ‘humanity’s strongest soldier. I wanted to tell him I wanted to be with him no matter what was to come.

‘Lexi,’ a voice whispered. I jumped and it took me a minute before I realized where the voice came from…It came from his voice. I looked at him only to realize he had stopped crying and was staring directly into my eyes. I could not help but shyly look away.

‘Captain Levi, I’m…. I’m….’

‘Call me Levi,’ he murmured. He was close, too close. I could smell his scent, could feel the heat off his body. His muscles had become less tense. He had stopped shaking and was still looking at me intently. I slowly removed my hands from around him, suddenly feeling awkward. But before I could fully pull away, he grabbed my hands again. He studied them, before he did something that I never thought he would do. He gently pulled me into his chest. I could hear his heartbeat, and mine was pulsing fast. I never thought that this could happen. That after secretly loving this man for a long while now, that he could possibly feel this way about me.

‘Lexi, he whispered in my ear. He was so warm and inviting, his muscles were so strong. I felt safe in his arms. I felt like I was being shielded away from this cruel world we lived in, but in that moment nothing else mattered to me. I was here finally with the man I loved. I could have stayed like this for all eternity.

‘Lexi,’ he said one more time ‘look at me. Don’t be afraid.’ He placed his finger under my chin and titled my head up. I started shaking and my flesh felt like it was on fire. His face was coming closer, I could see his lips and feel his breath hot on my face. I looked into his eyes at last and could see…I could see confusion. As if he was not sure if this was the right thing to do. But as quickly as it started, it stopped. He stopped himself just a few inches shy from my lips. I was disappointed. He gently pushed me away and folded my hands together.

‘Im sorry, I can’t do this,’ he said beneath his breath. Almost as if he were speaking to himself. He quickly and quietly brushed himself off, got to his feet, picked up his gear and left. But before he left, he turned around and gave me one last glance. I returned his glance with confusion in my eyes.

‘I’m sorry,’ he murmured one more time before I watched him leave. I sat there unsure of what just happened, I covered my face with my hands. I began to silently weep, I felt as if I had just been punched in the stomach and had the breath knocked out of me. The man I loved, did not love me back after all.