Zeek noticed two things when he woke. First, the sun was rising, and he was going to be late. Second, the odd book was sitting in his lap. Not wanting to get caught with a “precious” magic book, he threw it into the field and sprinted towards town. There was no time to think of whatever jerk put it on him while he slept. Probably someone from town who wanted a bit of revenge before he left.

Dust kicked up as his feet pounded the ground. He made it to the gate just as the knights were helping Penny into the rear carriage. Her auburn hair was woven into a thick braid that laid over her shoulder, and a green cotton dress wrapped around her figure. Her family was wailing and waving goodbye. Granny was nowhere to be found, not that Zeek expected to see her. Archibald ushered him quickly into the carriage as he thanked the chief.

Jumping inside, Zeek put his pack on the seat next to him. It was a simple but comfortable carriage with a plush bench on each side and curtained windows. They were open so Penny could wave back at her family. She didn’t acknowledge Zeek’s presence.

Several other villagers were outside, watching the procession crawl out of town. Zeek was beginning to get annoyed with Penny’s popularity. Couldn’t these people at least pretend to be happy for him? Zeek figured he ought to say goodbyes as well. He leaned out the window and noticed a few familiar faces in the crowd.

“Mrs. Copper! I’ll miss you! You’ll find your chickens lay more eggs now that I’m gone. Give a bit of extra feed to Big Jim, he’s been working hard the past few years!” Zeek shouted.

“Asshole!” the woman shouted back.

      Zeek ignored her.

“Mr. Jenson! I’ll think of your garden every day that I’m gone! The carrots and radishes were very plump this year. Give the missus my best!”

“Bastard!” the man roared.

“Chief! I’m sorry I tested Granny’s itch powder on your tunic!”

“Simon! I’ll miss the fresh milk from your cows.”

“Priest Hester! When I make it rich, I’ll send you some holy wine to replace what I drank! Praise the goddess!”

Penny, whose piercing golden eyes narrowed into a glare, watched him silently.

“Is that Jenny out there? I’m sorry I told everyone we kissed! I didn’t want Peter to think I never kissed a girl. You can tell him it was a lie!”

“Old Man Lenny, you don’t have ghosts in your attic. I just liked taking naps up there!”

By the time they reached the town gate, there were equal parts cheers and shrieks. Not that Zeek wanted to make enemies, it was just better to leave on a good note. Penny crossed her arms under her chest as Zeek took a deep breath before relaxing into his seat.

“It felt good to get that out,” he said.

“You need to grow up! We’re representing the village now,” Penny growled.

“You’re representing the village, I’m representing myself,” Zeek quipped.

“Why? Hake is your home too.”

Zeek raised an eyebrow. “No one ever treated me like family except Granny.”

“Because you never behaved. You constantly caused trouble.”

“How kind of you, Penny. I’m glad we’re finally talking. What’s it been? Three? Four years since you’ve talked to me last? Why is that?” Zeek replied.

Penny looked at the ground. “Dad said you were trouble.”

“No place like home, eh,” he responded, lying back on the bench and using his pack as a pillow.

The two didn’t speak the rest of the day. Zeek shifted between staring out the window and relaxing. The carriage wasn’t very comfortable to sleep in. The roads this far from the capital were bumpy and filled with rocks. They’d occasionally stop to move a tree or let the knights scout ahead. The caravan didn’t break for camp until the sun began to set. Unibrow wizard, who was appropriately named Uno, retrieved the two and directed them to a fire the knights had built.

After they ate, there was time before they turned in for bed. Penny and Zeek would stay in the carriage, which the mages warded. The knights would take turns on watch. Zeek used the respite to talk with Archibald, who remained affable despite Uno’s terseness.

“What should I call you, sir?” Zeek asked.

“Archi is fine, my young friend.”

“Are we headed straight to the capital?” Zeek wondered.

“We’ll stop by a few villages on our way, so we won’t take the direct route back,” Archi said as he sipped a wooden cup of wine.

“Do we have room for more mages?”

“No need to worry. If we’re lucky, we’ll find one more magic user on the way, but probably not.”

“Are mages that rare?”

Archi nodded. “Around thirty mages are born each year. It can vary a little bit. The countries too big and there's too few of us, so we only make it to about a third of the villages yearly. Our best trip we found forty-five, and our worst we found ten.”

“Wow! Only thirty are born each year on average? Isn’t Numera huge?”

“Yes, about two to three million people live in the kingdom. Mages are very rare here, that’s why we have this system to find them,” Archi explained.

Zeek tapped his chin. “You said ‘here.’ Are they more common elsewhere?”

“Technically speaking, they aren’t more common. But a few smaller countries around our borders have similar numbers of mages as us. No one knows why. Suffice to say, the overall number of mages is low.”

“Everyone must know each other pretty well at the academy,” Zeek said.

“You’ll get to know some people well if they study in your field. But the kingdom’s large for how few of us there are. And many of the mages from the nobility return to posts near their families,” Archi said.

“What field do you study?”

“I’m more of a general practitioner. I’ve been responsible for finding new mages for a long time now,” Archi explained.

“Do you like it?” Zeek asked.

Archi smiled. “It’s a comfortable job. Travel keeps me away from home, though. But there’s very little danger. My biggest risk is gaining weight if we have too many village feasts. Don’t tell anyone I said that; my job’s important for the country.”

Zeek talked to Archi for a while before he noticed the rest of the camp returning to their tents. He said goodnight to the old mage and made his way back to the carriage. He tried turning the handle on the door, but it was locked. He tried knocking but Penny wouldn’t respond.

Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

Zeek sighed and climbed through the window. Penny was sound asleep with a nice fluffy pillow at her head and a sturdy blanket. She was clearly pretending to be asleep so she didn’t have to talk to him. There was no way she’d slept through his knocking and climbing. Zeek rolled his eyes and curled up on his bench, letting sleep take him.

###

He woke to the sound of horses and clinking chainmail. The sun was rising and the camp was beginning to show activity. Penny was gone, her pack placed neatly on her seat as if she’d never been there. Zeek could smell stew wafting from the campfires. The same stew they ate yesterday, in fact. But that wasn’t what he was worried about.

The book was lying on his chest.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” he said aloud.

Penny opened the door as he spoke. “What?” she asked.

“Are you the one playing pranks on me?” he said, waving the book in front of her.

“What are you talking about?” she said.

“The book! I didn’t steal it. It isn’t mine. Were you the one who left it here?”

“What book?” she asked again. Zeek looked at her eyes, which were staring at his. He waved the book in one hand, but she didn’t seem to notice it.

“Why are you waving your hands around?”

“Real funny,” Zeek said, tossing the book at her. She didn’t move as the book passed through her and bounced off the carriage wall, landing on her seat. Zeek’s eyes went wide. Penny was still staring at him like nothing had happened. Actually…she was starting to look at him even more suspiciously. She shook her head and sat down on the book, and it disappeared underneath her.

“Don’t stare at my hips. You’re making me uncomfortable,” she said, now glaring at him.

Zeek ignored her. “Can you stand up, please?”

“No.”

“Please? I left something on your seat.”

“No.”

Zeek grumbled in frustration. The stupid girl was so mistrusting of him, but she was sitting on his invisible book. And now the curiosity was killing him. He stood up from the bench and walked towards her; she balled her fists up.

“Come on, just move for a second,” he said, standing in front of her with his hands on his hips. Penny scowled back at him. Zeek tried reaching down to push her out of the way when she raised her foot.

And kicked him square in the crotch.

Zeek toppled over, back to his side of the carriage. He held his hand between his legs as his face turned red and he tried to fight back the nausea.

“God damnit, Penny, what was that for?” Zeek moaned.

“Don’t touch me,” she snapped. Zeek swore he saw a hint of guilt flash over her face, but it was quickly replaced with a stern look. Uno opened the door the next moment.

“What happened here?” he asked.

“He tried to touch me, so I kicked him,” Penny said.

“No, I didn’t! I needed her to move for a second and she wouldn’t.” Zeek was still rolling around on the bench groaning, a few tears starting to dribble from his eyes. Uno furrowed his entire brow at Zeek, matching Penny’s stern look.

“Don’t touch girls,” he said as he closed the door and left.

Penny didn’t speak to him the rest of the day. But she did glance his way once when he was dry-heaving. Zeek’s face flushed between anger and pain before he finally gave up and curled on his bench.

Zeek had experienced this type of thing before. Not the getting kicked in the nuts part, just the people ganging up on him part. The solution was obvious: Unibrow and Princess needed a lesson. And he had a few days to do it, he just had to get over the tender pain between his legs before he figured something out.

As his head cleared, he began hatching plans. Daydreaming of petty revenge kept him occupied until the carriage arrived in another village. This one was a spitting image of Hake—cobbled streets, one plaza, a tall wooden wall outside, and an array of haphazardly placed cottages.

They’d get to stay at an inn tonight, though, since the testing would take place in the morning. Zeek was mildly amused at the inn’s name, The Cracked Egg, which seemed oddly thematic with his day.

He tried to get Penny to exit the carriage before him, so he could get the book. But she said she didn’t trust him if she couldn’t see him. Zeek held his hands between his legs and side-shuffled out of the carriage. Penny’s embarrassed face made the antics worth it.

The inn’s food was a nice hearty stew. Zeek wondered if stew was the national dish, since that was all people seemed to be eating these days. Filling up on stew and snagging a few extra bread rolls for his pack, he went upstairs early for bed. He’d deal with the book tomorrow, since the ceremony would take a while.

He locked his door and slumped onto the soft bed, letting the pleasure of a nice mattress carry him off to sleep. The next day, he woke to the sound of a rooster. He was wrapped in the blanket, his face drooling onto the pillow, when he felt something familiar.

The weight of a book on his back.

“Alright, I get it,” Zeek said as he rolled over and grabbed the book. He propped himself up against the wall and looked over the cover. The same sneering hollow face was embossed on the worn leather. The book was heavy, and there were no other identifying marks. He opened it slowly, turning his face away in case it blew up or did something magical.

Nothing happened.

The book was completely empty except for the first two pages. Page one had a drawing of the symbol from the cover on the top and a large bold title in the center of the page.

The Book of Spite

By Tristan Orthan

Zeek shrugged as he turned the page. Never heard of the guy. Not that he would have. He knew how to read, but there weren’t many books in the village. Granny had the largest collection, and that was only five books. One of herbology, and four of fictional tales. Page two fortunately had a bit more.

Greetings, mageling! The following pages lay out the personal training plan of the Orthan family. They’ll be blank when you begin but will fill out as you complete tasks. Now, you might be wondering why a manual is called the Book of Spite. That’s simple—a true mage learns to fear nothing. Spite the gods, spite the weak, spite the nobles, spite the whole world! If you want power, you must become a force unto yourself. There are only three rules when following this training plan:

1. Do not worship the gods

2. You must follow the instructions in the book

3. Only learn magic from the book

Failure to follow any of these rules will result in consequences. (The author will not be held liable for pain, flaying, lightning, night terrors, death, or any unfortunate results that come from using this training method.) Now go! Become the powerful mage you were meant to be!

P.S.: The book can develop a real attitude if you give him trouble.

Task List:

1. Smack Princess’s ass. She’s too stuck up. Remind her life’s not so serious.

      “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” Zeek opened the window and prepared to throw the book away. As he pulled back his arm, the book shocked him. Zeek’s teeth chattered as he fell onto the bed. He groaned as his muscles locked up. It took a few minutes before he was able to sit up again. He sighed and looked at the book.

“How am I going to carry you around all day?” he said. The book shrank until it was small enough to fit in his pocket. Zeek sighed loudly enough for the book to hear, then got dressed and took it with him downstairs. How harassing Penny had anything to do with magic, he didn’t know. But if a little tap on her kept him from getting zapped again, he’d take one for the team.

Penny was eating porridge by herself at a table downstairs. A few patrons were doing the same and talking. A passing merchant was hawking wares over breakfast to other travelers as a serving girl scuttled from kitchen to table. The mages weren’t present, probably off with the village chief. Zeek took a seat across from Penny and waited for the serving girl to bring his food. Penny glanced at him before huffing and standing up.

She noticed Zeek looking at her body again, which made her scowl. Zeek, meanwhile, was debating if the book would shock him for ignoring the instruction. It couldn’t possibly mean he had to complete the task right away… He got his answer a moment later as Penny sauntered by him. As soon as she moved out of arm’s reach, the book zapped him again.

Zeek seized up as he flopped forward into the bowl of hot porridge that had been set down in front of him. Oats flew everywhere as the soggy wet food got stuck in his hair. Zeek heard the room grow quiet as he tried to regain control of his muscles. He couldn’t see anything, since his vision was blocked by the bottom of the wooden bowl.

By the time he pulled his food-covered face off the table, he noticed all the patrons were staring at him. Penny was standing next to him again, leaning over the table and looking at his face. She actually seemed concerned, which surprised Zeek.

“Are you ok?” she asked.

He wiped his face off and sighed loudly as he looked up at the ceiling. Why do long days always begin with tragedy?

At that moment three things happened. First, Penny turned towards the door, probably thinking she’d grab one of the mages to check on him. Second, the serving girl rushed out from the kitchen with a rag to help him. And lastly…Zeek pulled back his arm and smacked Penny on the backside.

She yelped and jumped, her face flushing red. The merchants and patrons started laughing, crying, and holding their bellies. The servant girl stopped in her tracks and stared at him wide eyed.

Penny rounded on him and delivered a slap hard enough to remove the remaining food from his face. Not a polite lady-like slap either, one that proved she came from a family of sturdy blacksmiths. Zeek’s face twisted as he groaned inwardly, and tears came to his eyes. Penny stormed out of the inn, stomping the whole way. The other patrons were having difficulty breathing at this point. Zeek rubbed his cheek before picking up the empty bowl and raising it towards the serving girl.

“The porridge is great. Can I have seconds, please?”