Chapter 12

“I’m staying.” The words left Jennifer’s lips and she couldn’t believe she’d said them, but, once they were out in the open she knew she’d committed to them. The look on James’ face told her everything she needed to know, and it wrenched at her insides, she hated him a little for making her feel this way. He spoke evenly, but she knew how much he wanted to shout at her,

“We… you asked me if you could come along, help find my brother and now you’re just abandoning this”? The, ‘this’ James was referring to meant a great many things and both of them knew it.

“James you’ve seen the world out there, seen what’s lurking in the shadows, your brother is most likely…” Jennifer didn’t wish to finish her thought, but she couldn’t help but believe it, after all they’d faced.

“He’s not dead!” The sharp rise in volume caught Jennifer off guard and she stepped back a bit, fearing she may have pushed a button that should have always remained unpressed.

“I-I didn’t mean to hurt you, but James… maybe you should face the facts here, what’s really out there in that world? Nothing up there is savable, but down here, well, I don’t have to stay alone, you can stay here too.” The hope in her voice wavered, James’ face remained unchanged.

“So that’s it? This quest for Destiny you were on? You told me you wanted to make your city change again, so that people would grow up again, see things the way you did. But you’re just going to throw that all away? Abandon them”? James’ words, while biting, hinged on desperation. Jennifer glared back at him, something deep down in her heart stirring, some deeper rage brought about by a conflict she wanted so desperately to ignore.

“They’re never going to change! But at least here they want me around! The people back home never deserved my help, I’m done with them.” She spat, the torch lit and the bridge in sight.

“All of your talk about not letting other people decide your fate, defying Destiny, choosing your own path, is bullshit Jennifer!” That was the first time she’d heard him swear, “You’re so damn human! You’re just a selfish, spoiled child and everything you said was a pathetic attempt to convince yourself that you’re not! You’re just like all of them,” his hand thrown out to point to the room of dancing, drinking Forms, “self-centered, petty, and without a shred of integrity! I thought you were different,” his voice dropped to a whisper, “I can’t believe I let myself think you were different…” He turned away from her, she could see so many emotions passing through his hand as he gripped his bag, rage, sorrow, loss, shame, and finally cold acceptance. His fist clenched onto the scrunched-up end of the bag and he slung it over his shoulder and headed toward the exit. Watching him go, Jennifer gritted her teeth and forced herself to turn away. She refused to be a part of his suicide mission, searching for someone she never met with a guy who just expected her to follow him without ever caring what it is she wanted. In the end he was just like everyone else, abandoning her because she wasn’t what they wanted her to be. As James walked away, Jennifer could almost hear the snapping and popping of flames.

A younger Jennifer sulked down the street, her teacher had wrung her out today for not having memorized the damn book, a book the rest of the class had been reading forever and she’d only just picked up after having been moved into the new class. Worse, she actually liked the book, it had a dog in it, an animal she always wished she could have. People always laughed at her, told her she was too old to want a dog, since, as far as everyone in the city knew, dogs existed in the same realm as unicorns. Jennifer’s foot collided with an uprooted piece of road, launching it down the street and into the side of a trash can. The can rattled, and a cat leapt out of it and sprinted away, giving Jennifer a slight smile. She always thought cats acted too cool, she enjoyed taking them down a peg from time to time.

Smirking she turned to notice a group of kids now her age standing in front of a store that, while completely lacking anything unique, still seemed to attract the kids. They never really did anything, just stood around and talked, occasionally getting up to go and stand in front of another store, the guys would arm wrestle, the girls would talk about their clothes, even though the same boys always won and the girls all wore the same three outfits. Standing with them though was a boy Jennifer had noticed a few times now, a skinny fellow with pale skin and light brown hair. Unlike most of the other guys he never wrestled, and he never wore any of the, “cool clothes,” opting instead to wear larger versions of the shirts that kids wear, Jennifer liked that, they looked way more comfortable. She approached the group, ignored but happy to not be shooed off. The boy let out an awkward smile and greeted her with a, “hey!” That he immediately realized may have come across as too excited. He always came on a little strong, his emotions plastered plainly on his face, yet he never seemed to realize it. Jennifer, ‘knew’ he liked her, all the signs seemed to point to it, he always tried to stand next to her, laughed at her jokes and he always seemed to be trying to mimic her posture. Yet Jennifer couldn’t be sure, mostly because she had no clue why anyone would like her, much less someone nice like this guy. She’d have the occasional creepy guy force their attention on her, but she managed to deal with them pretty swiftly, usually violently…

But she sort of liked the boy too, she found out his name was Kenny and so she started to get to know Kenny. Initially she was thrilled spending time with him, he seemed to be a bit of an outcast himself, he wanted to be around people, but they seemed to view him as more of an… unnecessary addition. Plus, he didn’t act like the other guys, he spoke softer, showed more sympathy and just generally didn’t buy into the whole macho guy act. Any chance Jennifer could find to get to know someone like that she took, problem was most of them never wanted to know her…

But Kenny did, and soon he made it abundantly clear that he liked her and, since he seemed a bit too timid to ask her out, she asked him. Something odd happened with Jennifer the second she admitted her feelings, she found herself struggling to like him the same way she used too, and, even worse, she found herself more obsessed with other guys than ever. But she powered through, convincing herself that this was just a phase. And, to a certain extent, she was right. The desire to see other guys waned a bit and she soon found herself really enjoying Kenny’s company. When Kenny gave her a smooth stone shaped like a cat’s head she’d pointed out randomly on one of their walks, she found herself happier then she’d been since meeting the old man and the nurse. Though she didn’t know it at the time, what had really struck her was the fact that someone had listened to her, cared about what she wanted… something she was far from used to.

That joy sparked an even stronger desire to like him, she began showing him all her favorite spots, telling him all her favorite stories and even introducing him to the old man and the nurse. He lamented that he never had such interesting stories, but she assured him that, if he stuck with her, he’d have plenty. Something else strange began to happen as well, Jennifer found herself chatting with other kids her age, getting along with them, getting herself invited to their stuff and even making some real friends. With all this new confidence Jennifer began stretching out her horizons, dragging Kenny on crazier and crazier escapades, finding herself feeling more and more selfless by the moment. She spent massive amounts of time thinking about ways to make Kenny happy too, to share with him the joy she’d found. The outings had been a great start, but she began to make him gifts, returning the favor and doing everything in her power to listen to every word he said, filing it away till she could utilize it into crafting the perfect gift. Surprisingly she found she was quite a good listener and she liked to impress Kenny by quoting things he’d said months ago, things any normal person would’ve forgotten. But Jennifer forced herself to remember, it struck her how much she loved to be listened to, and she figured that good people do the things they wish people would do for them. At the peak of their time together, Jennifer promised Kenny that she’d always look out for him.

But her old curse reared its ugly head and she continued to grow, not enough yet to fully outgrow her new friends, but enough to spook her. Disheartened and afraid she ran to the old man and poured out her heart. The old man listened intently, and understood the loss Jennifer knew was coming. With a gentle smile and a kind word, the old man assured Jennifer that she’d always be welcome at his home no matter what happened. She thanked him, but she left just as anxious as ever.

The disappointment didn’t last long though, and after her usual growth check, she discovered that the growing had stopped. She kept waiting and waiting for it to start back up again but it never did! She ran back to the old man and the nurse and explained the miracle. The old man celebrated with her, but the nurse remained silent, occasionally glaring at the old man who pretended not to notice. When she left the house she overheard snippets of an argument, the nurse screaming at the old man about some promise, some plan, but Jennifer couldn’t make out the specifics. What she could make out was the old man stating very plainly, that Jennifer’s happiness meant more than some plan he’d never really agreed to in the first place.

After that Jennifer’s relationship with Kenny only got better, no more fear, no more anxiety, she could finally be one of the gang. Her new friends warmed up to her more and more until, eventually, they forgot they’d ever hated her, and, to a certain extent, Jennifer forgot too. All of the old pain and misery they’d caused her faded and she found herself less and less opinionated, less stubborn than ever before. Teachers began to like her again, her dad even seemed less stressed than ever and, for a brief moment, everything was perfect.

Sadly, perfection never lasts long in this or any world. The longer she hung around the other children the more she began to see patterns to their routines, and the more patterns she saw the more she began to lose interest in them and the less interest she had, the more resentment grew. Even in the midst of all the pain she’d prided herself on being different, unique, and able to see things the others couldn’t, but now… As if that wasn’t enough the old doubts about Kenny began to creep back up, the desire to see other guys grew and she found herself unable to shoo them away. But she’d made a promise and she continued to listen to everything Kenny said, make him amazing gifts, and take him on fun adventures. Those escapades began to end earlier and earlier though, Kenny would do everything to make her stay longer, but she found the desire had just begun to fade. She noticed that Kenny had become nervous, touchy, and nowhere near as attentive. He began to twist stuff she thought they’d both enjoyed into a burden, making it sound like she was being selfish, when, in reality, she’d just thought they’d had a good time before so why wouldn’t they again.

The levy broke though and Jennifer found herself constantly stuck in this rut of doubt, longing for the life she’d left behind. Making her way back to the old man and the nurse she came to an awful realization; she wasn’t happy. The nurse smiled when she heard Jennifer’s confession, but the old man looked more conflicted then ever. ‘Would you want to grow again, if you could,’ the old man had asked. Jennifer had thought about that question constantly and, in that moment, she let her heart speak, ‘yes.’

Like magic the growing started back up again, and with it a growing distance between her and Kenny, her and her new friends until, finally, she broke it off with Kenny, begging him to remain her friend. While sad, he agreed to her request, at least, for a while. She had a very high opinion of him, and she felt terrible that her heart just couldn’t see him romantically anymore, but she had to be honest. The friendship started out awkward, but Jennifer didn’t mind it, she was just happy he hadn’t abandoned her, that is, until he did. When he told her he couldn’t keep it up any longer she understood, he said he just needed time, and she figured she owed him that.

But the time never came, and Jennifer’s life began to return to the hell it’d been before. All those friends she made no longer seemed to enjoy her company, and she no longer had the confidence to power through the doubts. Her adventures returned to normal and her excitement for life just… slipped away. In your time Jennifer had been growing again for months, enough time to despise her decision. Finally, remembering how happy she’d been before, she reached back out to Kenny, hoping he’d understand and they could make amends. But he couldn’t, and he didn’t. He told her they’d been wrong for each other from the start, and he needed to move on, but she simply couldn’t let go, because she believed that no one else would ever love her the way he did. She returned to the old man, again lamented over this tragedy, over her bad decision, but this time nothing happened, the growing continued. All of her confidence faded, all of her hopes fell, and she simply couldn’t see anyway to make this okay…

Despite the fact that she’d doubted her feelings for Kenny so heavily before, she now found herself unable to think of anything else, of anyone else. Hoping beyond hope that he’d reach back out to her, she closed herself off, afraid to face the world alone again. Whenever she saw him on the street she hid, anytime they were in the same area she fled, and, for hours after, she felt nothing but misery. He began to hang out with the other kids and, unlike before, he now appeared to be one of them, laughing, enjoying their company, no longer the unique outcast she’d fallen for. It finally hit her that he refused to go back to her because he no longer needed her, she had merely been a morale booster for him, something to make him feel good about himself, and now he had all the morale he needed. She knew her anger had undertones of hypocrisy, but she couldn’t help feeling betrayed, abandoned. And she believed from that point on that she should never have let him go, that, without him she would be alone forever. But she promised herself, promised that if she ever had the chance to be loved again, accepted again, she’d cling to it and never let it go, no matter what her heart told her…

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How long can you listen to a song before you start to hate it? Depends on the song right? But, if you’re anything like me, then the moment you find a song you like you play it over and over again until, inevitably, you can’t stand the sound of it anymore. What about your favorite food, or your favorite drink? What about your favorite activities? Seems to me like life on repeat is a great way to turn everything you love into monotonous drudgery.

The drums began to boom, followed by trumpets, horns and then an explosion of music. Jennifer watched apathetically as Freddy swung some forest Form across the dance floor, spinning her, dipping her and then ending the whole thing with an impassioned kiss. She recalled the first time she’d seen that happen, the anger she felt, the betrayal, but now. She shrugged, not for anyone’s benefit but her own. Oddly enough she found herself missing the anger, the fiery passion that had lead her to throw her drink in his face, the female Forms consoling her afterwards, even though the memory was painful, at least it was something different. With a bitter smile she remembered her revenge plot, her plan to dance with all the male Forms and give them the same kind of impassioned kiss he’d given her. The game had gone back and forth, Freddy always one upping her passion with his own, Jennifer inventing pettier and pettier forms of revenge, until, eventually, she just got bored of it all. The other Forms were nice enough, she managed to make friends with a few of them, but a surprisingly large portion of them wouldn’t even speak to her. When she’d first arrived, she had no idea they were even there, all of them huddled around the edges, their eyes glazed over, simply watching the drama of the middle section play out over and over again. Now, as she sat on one of the outside booths, watching Freddy go, she realized why.

After James left, Jennifer had thrown herself into the whole carpe diem experience, dancing, drinking, partying until she could barely see straight, and, for a while, it was perfect. The best memories she had revolved around moments with other Forms, like when Aldia, the Form of steel and a few Forest Forms, had tricked Harriet into the storage room and then built a nearly identical storage room on the other side of the door. When Harriet left the original storage room she found herself in the same room she’d just left; she’d hopped back and forth between the two rooms for hours while Jennifer laughed with the other Forms, with her friends. Jennifer loved these pranks, loved the comradery, loved the groups she formed, but sometime around the 90th or so prank she pulled, she began to stop laughing at the punchlines, she began to recycle old pranks and, many of them, she just reused. Other Forms would tell jokes and she’d finish the punchlines, they’d ask riddles and she’d sigh as she explained the answers. She didn’t know how the other Forms did it, but the massive slew of them in the corners told her that not all of them could.

She started returning to the surface far more often, sitting in the flowers and staring up at the stars. Helios never returned to the cave, she remained atop, looking up at her children with a proud smile on her face. Adam, wise as he was, made the smart decision to not demand her return. Lyla and Claudia snuck up frequently as well, Lyla to tend to her flowers and Claudia to admire the stars.

“You know Jennifer,” Claudia had said during one of their trips above, “I had become so convinced that my clouds belonged in the sky that I completely forgot about stars! And you know what, I always thought stars were so pretty! My children may be gone for now, but I’m happy to see there’s still something beautiful in the sky.” She’d then proceeded to lecture Jennifer all about the different types of clouds and the times of day they looked the most beautiful, “and when the sky was that playful light blue, the sun just slightly leaning toward the west, with just a sprinkling of my children here and there, I’m telling you Jennifer your kind created so many paintings of days like that.” Jennifer couldn’t imagine the sky being blue, she’d just come to terms with this whole, ‘night’ thing. Without Melody around night became the norm, no star to rise in the east and set in the west, just a starry night, as unending as the sunset that preceded it.

Lyla had seemed slightly perturbed by this initially, with so many of her flowers feasting on sunlight, but she soon decided that this may be the perfect time to experiment with more night blooming flowers. The meadow changed dramatically from that first night, Lyla constantly experimenting with different combinations of plant life to create the ideal garden. She seemed to have completely forgotten that she’d tricked Jennifer into almost committing murder and she often approached Jennifer to get her take on different flower patterns. While Jennifer wanted to stay mad she simply couldn’t find the willpower, besides, watching Lyla tend to her garden made her happy, something about manipulating the ground to make something beautiful clicked with her. One time, while Lyla fussed over a few nightshades that refused to align properly, she spun around to face Jennifer with a sneaky smile,

“Oh Jennifer, would you come over here a moment”? With nothing better to do she complied. Lyla handed her a flower, it’s roots showing through a clump of dirt at the base. Flowers really do look better in the ground, Jennifer noted. “Would you look around the area and see if you can’t find a good spot for this little fella? I simply can’t pick one myself and I’m feeling rather frazzled at the moment.” Jennifer shrugged and began moseying around the area, her eyes lazily scanning the multitude of flowers springing up all around her, not even an inch of space available for something new. Eventually, after beginning to grow frustrated herself, she walked farther and farther away from the center till she arrived at the edge of the meadow, the snow resting right on the other side of the invisible circle the stars had created. It was here that Jennifer discovered a slight opening between two snow lilies just big enough for her little plant. Sticking her hands into the dirt and scooping it onto the snow, Jennifer began to feel an odd sensation overtake her. Once the hole was large enough Jennifer carefully placed the plant inside and gently returned the dirt to the hole, covering the flower and once again hiding its roots. The task gave Jennifer immense enjoyment, and she ran back to Lyla asking if there were anymore flowers she could plant.

“Sadly there’s simply not enough space for that Jennifer… But if you were to talk Helios into expanding out the circle a bit…” Lyla had told her, Jennifer knew she was being played, but she didn’t care. She’d approached Helios and explained the situation. Helios had simply laughed, a rich sound that made Jennifer smile, and brought a couple stars down from above.

After that Jennifer spent nearly all her time above, planting flowers and admiring her design. The flowers themselves, while pretty and everything, weren’t really Jennifer’s focus, but rather she loved taking a piece of the ground and making it her own. The more joy she got from it, the more she realized who it was she had to thank for it.

“Lyla!” She cried out one (permanent) evening. Lyla had spun round, a mix of concern and suspicion on her face.

“What is it dear”?

“Oh relax!” Jennifer assured her, “I’m not mad at you, I actually wanted to thank you.” Lyla raised an eyebrow and a pang of guilt twisted in Jennifer’s stomach,

“Thank me for what,” Lyla said sweetly, but suspiciously.

“For the whole gardening thing! I’m really enjoying it and, if you hadn’t manipulated me into doing it I wouldn’t have discovered how much I love it!” Jennifer was slightly pleased to see how surprised she was to hear that Jennifer had been aware of her ploy.

“You’re welcome dear, glad I could help…” Lyla attempted a smile, but her confusion came across loud and clear. Jennifer skipped away and continued her gardening, some strange thought burrowing its way into her psyche.

With time being something she had in spades, Jennifer decided to finally have a conversation she’d been dreading for months.

“Helios, do you mind if I ask you something”? Helios didn’t even attempt to hide her lack of surprise,

“I wondered when you’d garner the courage, you want to know what James said to me don’t you”? Jennifer nodded nervously, embarrassed that Helios had known exactly where her head was. “He didn’t say much, mostly because he didn’t have to. When he talked to me I was already struggling with Melody’s situation, but he gave me the push I needed.” Jennifer had figured that much,

“But what specifically did he say”? Jennifer pressed.

“Oh, I don’t remember the exact wording, that conversation was months ago! But I will tell you this.” She leaned in close and Jennifer followed suit, “When I told him to leave, inferred the awful fate that awaited him if he didn’t, he moved to leave, but, before he did, he looked right at you. After that he turned around and gave me one of the bravest speeches I’d ever heard.” Jennifer looked away, blushing slightly, “No human has ever spoken to me with that level of confidence and honesty, whatever you are to him, he certainly thought you important enough to merit risking his life.” The words landed heavily, Jennifer walked away more confused than ever.

But she refused to recant. She remembered the misery she’d felt out there, the fear, the anxiety, and her search for Destiny when, in the end, she just wanted acceptance. All of her bravado, all of her big talk, and, in the end, she just wanted someone on her side. She’d wanted to find Destiny, force him to, ‘set things right,’ but what did, ‘right’ even mean? So here she was, surrounded by unique and wonderful beings that desire her presence, that enjoy having her around, and isn’t that, ‘right’ enough? She no longer needed Destiny. So how could James take that away from her? How could he ever ask that of her? What gave him the right to remove her from the place she truly belonged? Never mind the boredom, the monotony, the unchanging Forms that lived lives eerily familiar to memories dormant in Jennifer’s head. If she gave all of this up, if she were to let it go, even for a second, she knew she’d never find it again.

“Does the sign say, ‘door’s open, come on in,’”? Adam’s voice groaned as Jennifer casually entered the office, her eyes taking in the simple room and making fake sounds of interest.

“No, sign doesn’t say that.” She responded apathetically,

“And what does the sign say”?

“There isn’t a sign.”

“What does that tell you about my feelings on communication”?

“So, James came in here and chatted with you before he left,” Jennifer hummed, changing the subject and frustrating a planet that was quickly growing tired of his tenants, “what did y’all talk about”?

“Are those ears for show? I don’t have time to chat.” He barked toward an unphased Jennifer,

“You literally sit around doing nothing all day, those papers on your desk are full of nonsense,” Adam’s face froze, his mouth open slightly, not sure how to reply, Jennifer decided to help him out, “Freddy told me. Look I don’t want to start up some back and forth here I just want to know what he said and then I’ll go.”

“Why don’t you ask him yourself”? Adam retorted, causing the first signs of real emotion from Jennifer who twitched slightly.

“You don’t like me much do you”? She noticed,

“Guess you’re not as stupid as you look.”

“Why”?

“Guess.”

“Or you could just tell me”? Jennifer was starting to get annoyed, after all of her time here this is the most she’d ever spoken to Adam, and all the rumors she’d heard about him seemed quite understated.

“Friend of yours is out there doing something, no clue what, but seemed important.”

“What’s your point”?

“If you don’t know by now I don’t imagine it’s going to come to you anytime soon. Now would you leave? I have a lot of fake paperwork to do.” His head turning away to a stack of random papers that he feigned massive interest in. Jennifer shrugged and left the room, an odd memory of a similar exchange flashed through her mind, but the girl in her memory seemed far more ferocious, seemed to have some fire in her. Someone else seemed to think so too and he figured he should make his opinion known.

The stage, darkened without the usual blue flames, offered a relaxing melody, slight cymbal tapping, a non-existent hand plucking the bass, a gentle piano intermittently chiming between a rhythmic snapping. The source of the snapping? A well-dressed man clad in a pitch-black blazer opened up to reveal a snow white button up, his hair slicked back, his ebony loafers spit shined to perfection, reflecting better than most mirrors. Despite only having a single member of his audience he figured he’d put on the best possible performance. The dark-haired girl in the oversized coat didn’t quite seem to fully appreciate the ambiance of the room, in fact she seemed downright confused by the whole show. The man, not one to be discouraged by a tough crowd, called out to an imaginary trumpet section and soon the music erupted, and the man sung along to the rhythm, words that the girl couldn’t seem to make out.

Once the music quieted to a whisper the man, his face cast in shadow, asked to know the girl’s opinion on his work. She merely shook her head, mumbling some nonsense about dreaming, the man assured her such talk had no place here. Instead he wanted to know why she spent so much time thinking about him. She uttered a single word, her only thought clear enough to be considered actual conversation. What might the word be? A name, a state of being, a fear, a relief? D-E-A-T-H. He smiled, the sound of his name always made his day. He knew that tiny minds didn’t always know who they stood before, but she had surprised him.

Absolutely adorable he thought, the mere force of his mind on hers was killing her! He always said he had one of the easiest jobs in all the cosmos. But, strangely enough, he was on break and taking care of a personal matter, no death tonight. J-A-M-E-S, she spoke the word, he rung an imaginary bell, she was on a roll. But would she know what it all meant. Guess he’d have to wait to find out.

Jennifer bolted upright, the blue-eyed ghost players again serenading the room, illuminated by blue candle light, the shadowy figure nowhere to be seen. The only thing left of the dream was the sweat drenching every inch of her body, a cold sweat, as if her heart had stopped only to be started again by an overzealous doctor. But she knew one thing, she had to find James, now.