"It was me all along." A disembodied voice rings through the house when the Colonel opens the door. The house is a brownstone that blends in with the narrow, rainy street. There are signs on the window saying ALL ARE WELCOME and another one that says YES IN MY BACKYARD over Keith Haring figures dancing. Colonel turns off the TV as he knocks on the brick wall.
"See this, Calvin? This gets people all hot and bothered like you wouldn't believe!" he waltzes into the dining room where a heterosexual Capybara couple is staring at the two men intruding into their bricked womb.
"Who are they?" Calvin asks.
"Squatters' Rights Activists" Calvin brushes his shoulders as the Capybaras call someone in secret.
"You can clear out any old building when you use the right adjectives" Calvin looks unsure
"Gee, this house looks….Lived in. You sure we can barge in and sell here?"
"Nonsense. I listed this house for sale on Zeelend." He gives the bear his tablet, and then Calvin swipes through the listing.
"If someone types it on an app, then it must be true!"
They both stroll through the stairs as Colonel Comments on the literary symbolism of stairs in web novels. He then takes Calvin's paw as they walk through the hallway.
"This house is just perfect for the up-and-coming crowd. Close to public transport, art galleries a walk away, and bars on every corner. Just the perfect setting for everyone to invest their parents' trust fund." He stops to look at a colorful painting of a woman with large oversized breasts only being held back by a slim black bra and a G-string.
"Bet if that were a man in that pose, it would be branded erotica" Montgomery smirks as they both laugh
"They get away with everything." Calvin laughs. "Yet they don't want us to say gay in public"
They both laugh until they're interrupted by a group of armed men in blue military fatigues marching and clobbering through the narrow hallway. Calvin and the Colonel go into the spare room and hide in the closet.
Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.
"Owch!" "You're on my damn snout!" "Move it!" After a minute of adjusting themselves, they go quiet to observe the officers. The officers are aiming their guns at random objects against the room. They're covered head to toe in Blue Camouflage and leftover tactical gear. One of them takes a smoke as they kick open the window "Were those robbers ever here?" the boar cop remarks
"Don't know, don't care" a spotted pig wearing a Punisher face mask says "Must've forgotten they hired the help while those yuppies were still inside their home"
"Why can't they leave when their cleaners come?" The same smoking cop puts out his cigarette on a painting of an orgy.
"Let's get out while the going's good" The Punisher mask cop leaves with his group, stomping through the second floor.
"Pssst. Colonel"
"What." The fox replies.
"Think we're safe?"
"Let's see how this plays out." Colonel says. He can't help but admire the bear's round rump on his stomach as they're both cramped in the closet.
"So Colonel," Calvin says
"Yes?" Colonel asks.
"Is this house really on the market?" "Of course" Colonel tugs on his collar. Calvin huffs his nose.
"I smell something funny in here." "Like what?" Colonel asks.
Calvin picks up the Colonel" For starters, we had feds sent after us, there are people living in this house, and now we're hiding in this closet for our lives" Colonel could feel the bear's breath on his face
"I've been out, you down-low 'oof' " Montgomery barks as he pushes himself off Calvin's grasp.
"But you're in the closet too." Calvin says. The Colonel's fox tail shakes.
"Am I?" Colonel laughs as Calvin pauses. "If anything, you should put a passcode on your phone if you don't want to be found out"
Calvin freezes and blushes enough red to be seen in the darkness. "Those passcodes are too hard to remember and...why are you snooping in my phone?" The sleepy eyed bear checks in his pockets for his missing phone
"I do that to all my prospective partners, and you look handsome in your Boop profile." The fox shows Calvin his phone. In the profile is a bear standing in a field dressed like a Southern dandy if he were 20 kg heavier.
"Thanks, pal." The bear blushes and pats his friend's head.
"They can be so mean to a guy who wants to date" he sighs
"Just be yourself and you'll find the right one" the Colonel says. He sends Calvin his profile which is similarly elegant. They add each other as friends before opening the door. their smiles to each other turn warmer.
"I should have told you we we're selling a house that was already lived in." Colonel says
"Forget about it" Calvin scratches his head "Should have known when you told me that peach story....is that story even true?"
"My gran-pappy said it was till he dropped" the short fox shrugs
"Guess we're both ...out, Monty" Calvin laughs at his joke. they crack puns while waltzing the house before the Capybara couple launch an attack and chase them out of the house. After losing them, they sit in their office in silence as the sun sets in front of them.