Chapter 6

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So... it's my arm. It hurts. That's... is my other arm. That hurts, too. That's my leg. It's moving. It doesn't hurt! It's my skull. No, it's not my... Mine should be hairy, it's... Wait, then whose is it?

With a grunt, I rose from the pile of rock-strewn earth. I lifted my head. High above me, the hole in which I had fallen was faintly glowing. Damn Von Schnitzel, you should have warned me!

Although there seemed to be some signs there. Probably shouldn't go over the fence sometimes.

The skull really wasn't mine. There was nothing else around, so I had to decide what to do. The first option, calling upstairs, was out of the question. There was no phone in my pocket, and neither was the pocket itself, along with a piece of my pants. The second option was to climb up to where I had fallen from, but I also had to put it off as not feasible. It was too high. I fell into some kind of pipe, or rather a secret well. And I was very lucky that I managed to grab hold of some ledges. The height here is fifteen meters.

Although some of those protrusions then fell on me, that's okay.

Option three, the most intelligent one. Sit here and yell from time to time. It's daytime, by tomorrow night at most, someone will have guessed to check the whole tower. Or would they? I groped myself again - bruises, a couple of abrasions, a dozen bruises. Luck loves fools, and judging by the ratio of the height of the fall and the injuries received - a scientific career is not good for me. Maybe an administrative one. Well, since I'm not that smart, I'll at least walk around and see what's there. More precisely, feel. The place of the fall was half-dark, but within three paces there was real darkness.

I grabbed the wall with my left hand and, following the rule of labyrinths, cautiously stepped back ten paces, and looked back - I was walking normally. Ten more steps, a long corridor, though! But the spot of light is still visible. I continued...

I gingerly probed the path in front of me. The stones are dry and cool, the masonry is old but solid, and there is almost no debris on the floor. Perhaps there's a chance that some kind of restoration work has been done here, which means... I looked around, the light was gone. Yeah, let's go back, and yell for a minute or two to start.

Ten minutes later, without any shouting, I admitted that luck might love me, but in a strange way. Because after swapping my left hand for my right hand, and still holding on to the wall, I still hadn't arrived at the "landing" spot. Half an hour later (maybe five minutes, it's hard to keep track of time wandering around the ancient cellars in total darkness). I did start screaming. The echoing sounds that came in response were so eerie that I had to shut up quickly. I admitted that I was completely lost, so I crouched down by the wall. There was a jangling sound under my arm. I fumbled for something metal, a coin. This must have been how my unknown predecessor had sat, having been in the cellar a couple of centuries before, dead, bones decayed, only his skull and the contents of his pockets remained.

It's silly. I'm going to die of hunger... No, first from thirst, then from hunger. I'll lie here, rotting slowly, not disturbing anyone. I'll be mummified, and the change will spill out of my pockets. And in three hundred years the new owner of the castle will go to explore the cellars, get lost, fall without power, find a coin and die, and the corpse lie, stinking like this...

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Stop!

I noisily sucked in air with my nose and jumped up. The smell was familiar! And it wasn't a corpse at all. It was actually quite delicious! A pot of sägdimirl, which von Schnitze had taken somewhere in the cellar next to the kitchen!

After rubbing another bump on my forehead (bouncing around in the dark is a bad idea!) I took a deep breath, calmed down, and sniffed carefully.

It stank on the right. Then that's where we're going!

The next three hundred meters of winding corridors, strange halls, and half-decayed staircases I walked exclusively with my nose. Something crunched under my feet. I think I almost fell into a trap hole once. In fact, Indiana Jones would have been pleased with me, but I walked and crawled and climbed! Finally, I came to a door. A simple wooden door, with two iron bars. Locked, of course.

A little more yelling for decency. I don't think anyone would go into the basement with "that" pot, even at the most complaining yell! I started figuring out where I was. I walked back and forth, getting two more bruises. Damn it, when the old man took me here, all the corridors were much straighter, and the ceilings were higher! Picking up a stone, I started tapping the wall for voids. Finally, at one point, the masonry responded to the knocking a little differently. Deciding that it was better to risk another fall into some well than stay by the locked door like Joe the Indian, I rushed out, and...

I would never do such a stupid thing again. However, when I coughed up the cloud of dust and stopped whimpering from the pain in my bruised shoulder, I could feel another hole. It didn't smell like sagdimirle, but rather a slight whiff of fresh air!

The manhole turned out to be very narrow, but an unknown amount of time and about two thousand curses later I squeezed past some planks and bones, fumbled for another stone ceiling above me, and desperately tried to lift it like a lid.

It squeaked.

It squealed. It squealed again and mumbled in English. I pushed myself up...

"Egelbert, is it still day?"

"Y-yes, Mr. Baron."

"Then I'll just sit here." I flopped down on the warm rock and hissed at the bright sunlight, then tried to squeeze my eyes shut. My eyes didn't want to adjust to the light after three hours of total darkness.

The tourists were huddled together in a distance, discussing something excitedly.

I guess it's not every day they get to see someone come out, lift up a gravestone, and start having a casual conversation with a tour guide. It looks like there was a secret passage...

"Mr. Baron, I couldn't find you to tell you - the Federation authorities have stated that they intend to crack down hard on any encroachment on the free will of Eskenlanders. The tax office sent an apology, but said they could do nothing, for the very reasons you stated."

"Is that so? Then take off my first picture on the site and put the second one in its place. And send the update notification to the same address again."

"Um... I don't quite get the point."

"It doesn't matter. Don't delete the first one anyway..." I tried to shy away from the bright light in the shadow of the castle wall after the darkness of the dungeon. The tourists did not seem to understand why the baron was huddled against the stone, trying to avoid the sun's rays. The stone is warm, so I cling to it!

"You know, Egilbert, I think I'll be going now. It's about time I had some refreshment."

The way I looked at the tourists made them move back. I thought for a moment and pushed the stone cover back. The curious ones would get in, and then they'd be lost. I went in the direction of the outbuildings. I was hungry, but first I had to wash and change my clothes.

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"Damn it, I thought it was all fairy tales, but I saw it with my own eyes! He's quite adequate, though. The museum staff was not in the least bit afraid, and as soon as he could avoid the sun, he walked across the yard. He headed for the cowshed. Apparently, that's where he feeds. So he's not some crazy monster out there. Though it looks imposing and creepy. And it smells! Weak, but disgusting!"

"What do you want? He must have been born at a time when deodorants weren't even heard of! Do you have pictures?"

"Only from behind!"

"Wow, really big. Where did you say it was? I have a vacation coming up..."

From the tourist forum.

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