“Fucking camper”

Timeless gamer lament

****

I hummed another old tune as the gun rattled on. I knew it had been well maintained since the museum rented it out for rich people to shoot for fun, but I suspected the goop did more than just cool it as a faint crimson glow shone through some of the seams. As long as it didn’t alter any of the internals I didn’t mind though.

That, and it kept firing.

I watched as soon instead of whole antithesis rushing in, only bits and pieces flew into the hallway. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that the other Samurai was almost there. A mixture of relief and sadness filled me as I started to focus instead of just mindlessly sweeping the hall. Picking off what few plants remained unshredded before at long last everything was still.

I was sad that the fun was over, but I was more than happy I had won and everyone was safe.

I held the line.

Soon a familiar face swept down into the hall and struck an elegant pose of power.

“Everyone relax! The Eager Eagle has arrived!” He called out with his voice booming down the hallway. He was a flight specialized Samurai with a mech suit straight out of old patriotic propaganda. A helmet styled to look like the head of a bald eagle, massive metal wings, shining chrome armor, and enough missiles to make Lockheed feel inadequate.

“I have come to save you all! You dear sir have done a fine job holding off the plant horde and have taken a bold leap into the world of becoming a Samurai!”

I grinned, oh this poor bastard was putting on a show and had no idea that-

“Fine people of the shelter! I heard about your woes and fears since your door would not close and flew elegantly to save you! To bring liberty to you and free you from your confines! To guide you into the light once more whole an-

Why are you laughing?”

I couldn’t help but lose it. Laughing hard as I leaned against the still steaming gun so hard tears fell from my eyes.

“Grand entrance Eagle!” I called out trying desperately to catch my breath. A smoking habit didn’t do wonders for my lungs and I just about laughed them out of my body. “But nobody but me can hear you!”

His eagle head turned to the side just a little as the chrome shined in the light. Soon motioning to the shelter behind me. “But they are right there?” he asked, confused.

“Yeah. At the end of a hallway underground where a 50 cal machine gun has been firing nonstop for hours!” I pointed out taking deep breaths. “Ohhh fuck that was funny. We will be lucky if ANYONE in there doesn’t have permanent hearing loss.”

That majestic eagle head looked at me, then the gun, then the crowd, then back to me. I tried hard, but soon I was laughing once more. If you have ever seen a bald eagle look at you head-on, the derpy face combined with the confusion brought the giggles back.

Stolen from its rightful place, this narrative is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

“Well drat! I had a speech all ready and everything!” The Samurai pouted, crossing his arms before letting out a long groan of frustration. “Alright. Fine. I will give a better one later to make up for it.” He then looked me over while he tapped on his chin.

Oh. He was going for it right away.

“Hmm… gunner, throwback, and lots of other stuff is already taken.” He thought aloud as he tapped the chin of his helmet. “Look at you, alien tech in a world war 1 American gun with a German helmet on with a modern trench coat. Shooting aliens.” He laughed a little with a small whistle. “Man, the history guys would be screaming about the anachronisms.” I shrugged. He wasn’t wrong but surviving came before historical accuracy.

“Hmmm. Anachronisms…,” he tapped his chin before snapping his fingers. “Anachronist!” He, I swear to god, cawed out. I knew he was a furry from his file, but damn man, in public?

Still, not a bad nickname. Would give me more flexibility with my kit later.

“Well there is still time to see if the name sticks and all. For now we need to do some weeding FOR FREEDOM!” As he yelled out he struck a pose that would make Uncle Sam proud. The Samurai, not the old American icon. I knew it would since the old Samurai Uncle Sam struck poses just about every time he could to the point it was a game in the office to figure out what comic he stole the poses from.

I was in the lead.

“You probably have more than a few points from defeating all those antithesis scum! Why not use the nearby bathroom and change into something better?” Eagle pointed out as he motioned to a bathroom.

I shrugged and walked into the bathroom and stretched, getting myself ready for the biggest shopping spree I had ever done in my life.

~Alright Jack.~ Byllona crooned into my ear. ~It is finally time to get you into something more befitting a vanguard. Now. I can already tell you don’t want anything super modern, but how about a compromise? I scoured the human internet and found something from a science fiction that could be a halfway point.~

I grinned. “Krieg?” I asked bluntly.

Her scoff filled my head. ~Of course you would figure it out right away. Yes. A throwback to the diesel punk aesthetic you seem to adore, but with the ability to, as Eager Eagle put it, be a anachronistic.~

I chuckled a bit and leaned against the wall. “Well. Let's think about my image too. Amazon might not come after me, but since they own Games Workshop I don’t want to be a walking advertisement for them.” I shrugged. “Without pay that is, but I know how easy it is for Samurai to get wealthy, so nah. Not making my image derivative.”

I started to pace as I stroked my hard-won beard. “Hmm… plus a bit too edgy.” A picture started to form in my mind. A trenchcoat over an old school ww2 marine corps uniform. Metal arm and leg guards to protect against biting Antithesis with a metal cuirass to protect my back and chest with a metal raised collar for my neck that is attached to the cuirass. All above the coat as well so that I look like more than a creeper in a trenchcoat. A long gas mask under a more stylized Stahlhelm with that handy metal plate on the front to boot with metal plates on the sides of the mask to look cool and to protect my face a bit more.

As for coloration I decided against black. While it would help me blend in it didn’t feel right. That, and trying to avoid being part of the death corps. Ah, duh. Olive drab for everything but the metal which would be left shiny. Good ol’ white star in a circle that looked stenciled onto my trench coat on both sides of ot at the base of the flaps. For the mask the famous shark jaws painted on the metal.

“Got it my lovely assistant?” I asked Byllona unsure if she could truly read my mind.

~My my, such a flatterer already.~ She cooed. ~And yes. I noticed you left out materials.~

I shrugged. “Out of the two of us you would be the one to know better.” I pointed out. “So, what can we do?”

~Just about anything in the level 1 catalogues. I am going ahead and crediting you for saving the people in the vault since the safe zone is so close and thanks to the Eager Eagle a path has been secured. In fact, PMCs and the army are already using the bunker system as a forward line against the antithesis so really they could hunker down in the shelter and be fine.~

I nodded and smiled. A token already was quite the accomplishment!

~Overall your totals are:

2 tokens

37,255 points.~

“WHAT THE FUCK!?”