CHAPTER FIVE

The First Enemy is a Muppet?

“Where the hell have you been?”

Hoyt demanded. It had been hours since Pale and Roari had left to go pig hunting, and the others had become beside themselves in hunger. Had his wife not come bringing lunch earlier, they might very well have attacked him in their desperation.

However, just as Hoyt was about to reprimand them further, Pale emptied out his entire inventory of pig meat at his feet. It piled up to a small mountain that easily reached the height of three meters. Just from the sheer amount of carcasses, it would’ve taken at least a hundred pigs to accumulate so much meat.

Suffice to say, Hoyt was at a loss for words as he goggled at the sheer volume. However, his shock soon gave way to anger.

“I thought I told you to come back after killing a few? Do you think this paltry amount would impress me? Also, what do you expect me to do by dumping all this meat here?

With a deadpan expression, Pale replied. “The cellar is already filled, this was what was left over.”

“…What?”

…

“J-Just how many did you kill? How many, Damn you!”

Hoyt stammered as he opened the cellar door. Not only the shelves, but the entire floor was filled to the brim with pig meat to the point where they couldn’t even walk through the cellar anymore.

Pale glanced at Roari accusingly as she sniffed in disdain. She folded her arms and resolutely looked Hoyt in the eye.

“All of them.”

Such an achievement…or catastrophe had taken them most of the day. Despite Pale’s constant pleas for mercy, they had murdered every single pig in sight, leaving nothing but corpses in their wake. It had gotten to the point where they had to take multiple trips back as their inventory space could barely hold three cubic meters worth of stuff. And if one were to take a stroll in a 1km radius around the compound, they would find that the once plentiful pig nursery had transformed into a desolate wasteland, with nothing but corpses left over.

Was it worth it though? No…not really. But at least they received some benefit from all this, as Roari’s stats had immensely improved.

Roaring Storm Lv 5

HP: 240/240 (+10)

Jobless

MP: 120/120 (+5)

STR:10

DEX:13

VIT:10

INT:5

LUK:7

WIS:5

They had grinded to the point where Roari began instakilling pigs with but a single kick. From pig to pig, the spirit of Messi burned strong. Because of that, Pale’s existence quickly became obsolete and he was demoted into a glorified auto looter, barely keeping up as Roari continued her swine genocide.

Hoyt was slightly taken back, no he was dumbfounded. Of course, he would not praise them for slaughtering the entire local pig population, but he was still mildly impressed by their efforts.

“Fine. I will accept it. For a reward, I’ll let you trade in pigskin for pieces of leather armor. For reference, a pair of leather gloves will cost you eight pig skins, boots will cost the sam-”

His words petered off as a second mountain began to form before him. It’s contents were obvious.

“Alright, we’ll take two whole sets please! What can we get with the extra?” Pale smiled as all of the leather was ejected from his inventory.

Hoyt’s eyelid twitched a little, but he said nothing.

Cheap Leather Armor (Full Set)

Req: None

Physical Defence +7

Damage Reduction +1%

A crudely crafted set of leather gear. Has an mild odor.

“Aww yeah! We don’t look like hobos anymore!” Roari cheered as she changed out of her scratchy canvas clothing in favor of the leather vest and pants. The assemble was also accompanied by shoulder guards, wristlets and boots, all of which were form fitting and sleek.

Attached to their waists were a pair of wooden swords that was the standard gift from Hoyt’s quest, thus completing their appearance of mmo newbies.

Of course, after such rewards, there was more to come. As the Storm Siblings did not wish to do manual labour, nor stay in the facilities for any longer than necessary, they asked Hoyt if they could leave early. Naturally, they were declined, but perhaps out of the goodness of his heart, Hoyt gave them a chance for early graduation, so long as they could pass a test.

The other newbies as well, whom had finished their chores were also allowed to undergo Hoyt’s ‘Trial by Fire’ if they so wished.

Of course, after experiencing the pains of labour, the majority of the players opted for such a task, but none of them were prepared for what it would entail. Somehow, they did not expect that it meant entering a dark and dark abyss that emitted the pained howls of the damn.

The Storm Siblings found themselves looking down into the dark and creepy staircase that only dimly lit by smoldering embers. It was painfully obvious that this would be no ordinary trial.

Actually, Pale fully suspected that it would probably take less than ten minutes before they would run out again while screaming like little babies. Especially when considering the cruel smile Hoyt had given them while explaining the details of such a test.

“Um…I think I gotta take a piss. Don’t go in without me, kay?”

Roari who had sobered up after power tripping over her pig genocide was cowed in the face of such darkness.

“No worries. Take your time. Oh! And make sure to order some takeout before you come back. I’ll eat whatever.”

Pale said dismissively. Cold sweat dripped down his forehead as he looked down the staircase once more.

Yep. He was definitely not going down there alone.

With a nod of acknowledgment, Roari’s figure soon disappeared into a cluster of light, leaving Pale all by his lonesome.

‘Nothing to do but wait, I suppose.’

Immediately, Pale regretted not logging off as well. He had never considered just how long he would have to wait. Fortunately, some ragged fanfare came along to distract him from his moments of self-pity.

It was the second wave of players, many of whom had bright eyes filled with wonder and adventure. The poor fools. They obviously had only finished orientation and had yet to meet Hoyt.

“Ooh. This place is so eerie. Like a medieval dungeon or something.”

“Ha. Not even close. I live near some ruins irl, and they are quite nice. All this edginess is just overselling it.”

“I hope we get to fight some monsters soon.”

“Actually, I want to be a crafting main.”

“Ha! Loser.”

Pale chuckled silently as he ducked behind a player. This new group of players sure were chatty. Although to hold such casual attitudes were paramount to enjoying the game, somehow their cheerfulness ended up clawing at his heart. As such, he could only hope that Hoyt was especially brutal with this lot. Nobody should play this game to have fun after all.

While waiting, a couple other players arrived as well. However these two were obviously prepared to take on the challenge.

“Oh. Spicy Dragon! How’s it hanging?”

“Not bad. Not bad at all. Oh, and have you met Mixi?”

Spicy Dragon laughed as he introduced a rather plain looking woman who smiled shyly. Pale recognized her as one of the few who had been with them during ‘orientation’.

It was obvious that she barely spent any time on the character creator at all.

“A pleasure. I’m Pale.”

“Good to meet you.”

She nodded, but still seemed rather reserved.

“Hmmm. Pale, you’re taking the challenge too? Have you gone in? How was it?”

“Oh yeah. I went in with Roari earlier, but we had to stop cause her stomach started hurting. Don’t worry though, it was a breeze.”

“Sweet. Wait, Roari was that hot silver chick from earlier right?”

“…”

“Ahahaha, anyways…”

Mixi who didn’t seem all too talkative laughed hollowly as a look of annoyance flashed through her eyes. Pale also noted that the two of them carried wooden swords which appeared to be the Hoyt’s standard seal of approval. Aside from their clothing though, they all appeared to be around the same level.

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“Yeah… Don’t let me ruin your little date though. Head in first. I’ll be waiting a while anyways.”

“Cheers, mate.”

Spicy Dragon nodded as he traversed down the staircase with the fuming girl in tow.

Pale, who had a neighborly smile plastered upon his face merely sat on the uppermost step of the staircase and waited. His ears straining as a look of anticipation crossed his face.

One minute passed.

Then two.

He was almost disappointed before it finally came.

There was an odd squeaky noise before screams of fear and outrage echoed back up the stairway. From the way the screams curdled and roared with fear and indignation, Pale could only mentally pat himself on the back for his own foresight.

“I fucking knew it.”

The trial was simple. Head down the stairwell and defeat the boss at the end.

Upon Roari’s return, she found Pale with a crowd of other players. They were losers…players from the first cohort who had been completely slaughtered after attempting the trial. Fortunately, there appeared to be no repercussions for dying beneath a certain level, thus they had quickly regrouped and were preparing for another attempt.

The looks of those who had attempted the trial and those who had just arrived were completely different, as those who died all carried ugly grimaces upon their faces.

Apart from those who had logged out, there were a total of 13 players unified under a single leader with golden hair and blue eyes. His body was built to the degree that if he claimed to be a martial artist of sorts in real life, everyone would surely believe him. If not for his name, he would be an inspiring presence for all.

…

“I am not calling you Spicy D.” Roari grumbled as they were led down the dimly lit stairwell.

“Don’t be like that babe. It’s all in good fun. Not to mention, I’ll be the one protecting you should things get dangerous.”

Spicy Dragon winked and smiled lecherous while Roari scoffed and huddled closer to her brother.

Having already met Spicy Dragon, Pale fully expected the philandering punk to make moony eyes at his baby sister. But between teasing Roari and beating the snot out Mr.Martial Artist, both options would probably end up with his ass beat. Thus, he opted to just remain silent and enjoy the show for now.

As for the enemies that gave so many players trouble, they were called cursed puppets. Supposedly they were very weak, but extremely durable, requiring at least ten solid blows from the sword to kill even a single one.

Due to the encroaching darkness,each player had a different impression when first encountering the puppets. Some initially thought the puppets cute, while others were frightened out of their minds. Regardless of the case, all of them quickly met their demise within minutes of encountering the first one, as they soon found themselves drowning in a sea of bodies.

If they had only come one at a time, even the most amateur of player would be able to take them on, but since their battle tactics seemed to revolve around swarming a player, their difficulty level skyrocketed.

What had seemed like a mere ten sword strokes became an exceedingly large barrier when one was assaulted by multiple puppets at the same time. Even if a player got lucky and managed to pound one into the dirt, there would surely be a dozen more who would take its place. Also, because of the darkness of the environment, it was difficult to foresee all the dangers.

To be frank, such a tactic cared not for the player’s skill or innate fighting abilities as even the self-proclaimed skilled players succumbed under the sheer force of numbers.

But now?

The situation was different. As the thirteen or so players continued downwards, they had a newfound sense of security. Now, the numbers were on their side as well, and every one of them would have their backs covered as they moved together as one solitary force.

“Stop. Stop. I think I see one.”

Spicy Dragon who was at the front hissed. Whatever confidence they had before instantly crumbled as the party tensed up in fear. Their eyes followed the direction of Spicy Dragon’s sword and they quickly discovered the monster.

The lumbering figure was illuminated poorly by the torchlight, but its appearance caused some of the weaker willed players to gasp in surprise.

The puppet was humanoid, and was no more than three feet tall. The puppet’s had bright orange felt for skin, a comically round red nose and a jagged gash for a mouth. And although it did not have teeth, the crooked stitching gave it a saw like smile. As for its massive globular eyes, thin pin pricks substituted for its pupils making its gaze feel as if it were staring into a person’s very soul.

Despite it’s size, such a creepy appearance would send chills down an adult man’s spine. It was a nostalgic terror that stemmed all the way back to their childhood years.

“…It’s a muppet.”

Roari said dumbly as the people around her jumped in surprise. Surprised at such a reaction, her expression turned incredulous as she asked in disbelief.

“You guys died to muppets?”

“Don’t be careless! There are sure to be more of them lying in wait!” Spicy Dragon warned.

The group huddled closer together as they scrutinized the darkness. Nothing was more terrifying than the unknown and the odds of getting mobbed were high. However, did the relatively harmless soul puppet before them really merit such caution?

“…”

Feeling rather unconcerned, Roari ignored the rest of the party and began to nonchalantly walk towards the three-foot tall puppet.

‘Thwak’

Having already practiced that one kick over a thousand times, she connected. The muppet’s soft body providing little to no resistance before it was sent flying a couple feet away. After landing in a rather anticlimactic fashion, it laid on the cold stone floor, unmoving.

“You fool! Everyone brace yourselves! Here they come!”

Spicy Dragon roared as the rest of the party members recalled the terror they had previously experienced in the dungeons.

…

But nothing happened.

“You died to this?”

Roari asked skeptically as she finished stomping the ragdoll to death. She did it such ease and comfort that Pale was starting to suspect that she might just be a natural dom.

“No. This isn’t right! There should be more!”

“That’s right! This must be a trap!” Spicy Dragon yelled as color began to creep up his neck.

“Whatever. Ya’ll can just stay here is you’re so scared. We’ll be going up ahead. C’mon big bro.” Roari shrugged. The fear of the darkness completely vanishing with the chance to show off in front of a crowd.

Of course, even as Pale went on to follow, none of the group actually waited back. Despite feeling embarrassed, the rest of the group took great pains to follow quickly.

They continued onwards, but the most they encountered were a few more stray muppets which they dispatched handily. Oddly enough, they never came in large numbers, with the largest group being three at most.

This allowed the rest of the party to regain their confidence. Spicy Dragon himself raced ahead of Roari, displaying a wide variety of flashy kicks and rolls as well. He fought with an unnatural fervor, as if trying to make up for his prior embarrassment.

Seeing this, Roari merely snorted and they continued blitzing through the catacombs, swiftly reaching the antechamber at the end which led to a much wider round stone enclosure.

If it were any regular game, it would be considered the boss room. Peering from the entrance, they could see a lone figure that was staring back coldly at the party. As the room was unlit, only the whites of its eyes could clearly pierce through the darkness. It’s gaze was cold and lifeless, but some brief movement showed acknowledgment of the party’s existence.

As one might expect, the boss was also a muppet. A massive thickset beast that towered over six feet. With its coloration a bright red instead of orange, it seemed capable of squashing any one of them into paste with its massive hairy arms. Of course, despite such differences, its appearance seemed all too familiar.

“Hey. It’s Elmo.”

“You and I remember Elmo very differently.”

“This should be the boss room guys. After this, we can finally get out of this dump and move on to the next stage!”

“Let’s finish this damn quest!”

“No more hard labour!”

The other players in the group agreed boisterously.

“Hold up. Shouldn’t we at least go in with a plan?” Pale said skeptically. Somehow he felt this monster was just a teensy bit more dangerous than all the tiny puppets they had previously ganged up on.

“Of course. We shall use the time-honored strategy that all great MMO players user.”

“And that is?”

“We group up, and hit it till it dies!”

“Uhhh….”

“Got a better plan? If not, then come on and let’s do this thing!”

With a rallying shout, the majority of the party funneled into the dark room. However, the moment the last person entered, metal bars shot up from the ground and barred the exit.

“Hey, Spicy D. I think this might be a trap.” Pale said blandly.

The darkness that previously covered the room was suddenly beaten back as the empty torch sconces along the walls began to flicker to life. However, along with the light, the rest of the room became visible as well. And there, they all gasped in horror as the room was lined with a near countless amount of muppets attached to the upper areas of the wall.

As one, the hundreds of muppets all turned in unison to stare at them with the same soulless eyes.

“Oh, so that’s where they all went.” A random player remarked as his chuckled began to sound like sobs.

Immediately, the battle began.

As Elmo let loose a warbling roar, the other puppets raised their voices in unison. Their battle cries akin to a horde of rubber duckies hell-bent on wrecking their shit.

“Stay together! I will take on the boss!”

Spicy Dragon declared valiantly. He bared his teeth as he shot forward, leaving the rest of the party to take on the incoming muppet horde.

As for everyone else, they could only clench their teeth bitterly as they braced themselves against the squeaky muppet wave. War cries arose from both sides as they clashed together with the fury of ten suns.

Immediately, the first few muppets were batted away easily enough, but moments later, the entire group found themselves surrounded by the sea of puppet monsters.

HP -0.25%… HP -0.25%…

HP -0.25%… HP -0.25%…

Throwing off the first couple of muppets, Pale immediately discovered that the monster’s soft arms were incapable of doing any large amount of damage. The only problem was that there were far TOO many. It was difficult to breath, let alone fight. And even as he struggled to swing his own arms, his health pools were dropping slowly but steadily.

A couple players had already been buried by the sheer amount of bodies. Roari herself screamed in outrage as dozens of muppets seemed to have jumped upon her simultaneously.

“WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT QUEST IN THIS!?”

“HOLD ON A BIT LONGER!” Spicy Dragon screamed, trying…and failing to maintain their morale. Somehow he was still on his feet and had exchanged numerous blows with the goliath muppet. Despite that though, the boss seemed to shrug off his attacks with little effort. And as the smaller muppets began to clamp down on his legs, Spicy Dragon found that his speed became severely hindered.

This time, he could not even throw his body out of the way before the goliath threw a vicious hammer blow, striking Spicy Dragon squarely against the chest.

The blonde haired martial artist was sent flying, but fortunately the cushioning was lost as his fall was broken by numerous soft muppet bodies. He struggled to his feet wearily, ripping the linen monsters off his body in the process.

Meanwhile, Roari had abandoned her weapons entirely, favoring her bare hands as she viciously ripped the muppets apart. The delicate stitching and soft fabric were no match as she continuously ‘dealt’ critical hits and tore the head of one muppet completely off its body.

Stuffing exploded out in a white fluffy shower, as she started to make a dent in the great muppet army.

Despite its effectiveness, such a tactic sacrifices ones ability to attack multiple targets at once. This increased the damage dealt to Roari, but thanks to the leather armor, it was doubtful that she would be the first to fall. Still, it was becoming painfully obvious that they would all meet their demise here if nothing was done.

But just as Pale was going to curse this shitty game, the headless corpse of one of Roari’s victims was sent flying to his face. The stuffing itself spilling out from the opened seams.

As he noticed the sparse strings that frayed out with the stuffing, he momentarily recalled the one time Perri had tried to do her own laundry.

His eyes widened. Maybe it wasn’t so hopeless after all!

Setting his sights on his target, he let loose a mighty roar and tore off the muppets that were latched onto his shoulders. With long sweeping movements, he batted a path through the muppets, and forced his way to the nearest wall sconce. The inverted bull’s horn was filled with lantern oil and had a gentle flame burning dimly on the surface.

His arms struggled against the weight of the muppets as he opened up the adventurer’s journal to retrieve a strip of leather. As his hands feverishly moved, he managed to tie a makeshift knot around one of the muppet’s limbs.

The reason for this was simple. Despite his plan, the sconce was still bolted at a height that was slightly beyond his capability to reach. Neither could he jump with all the muppet soldiers weighing him down either, but to throw a bisected portion of a muppet’s body was no problem at all.

With less than deadly precision, he hurled the muppet body towards the open flame, and watched in glee as the orange muppet body was swept up by the roaring red flame. Whatever the stuffing was made of, it was incredibly flammable as the entire body was instantly set alight.

‘It works!’

He thought as he began to whirl the flaming body around like a war thurible. Though it had not the weight necessary to be an effective weapon, the effect more than made up for it. Because even as the muppet body bounced off the hordes of enemies, the soft felt that made up the muppet’s skins instantly caught on fire. Seeing such an effect, Pale redoubled his efforts with a loud roar, swinging his arms viciously as he began smashing into the horde around him.

The muppet’s massive numbers soon worked against them as with but a single swing, almost a dozen muppets were quickly set ablaze. Upon realizing they were on fire, many of the muppets immediately ceased all hostile actions and began to flail about, propagating the spread of fire even further. Their squeaky war cries turned into squeaky death throes as they bumped and collided with one another, ultimately making the problem worst.

Of course, not all the muppets acted in such a fashion. Some of them had gone berserk instead, and attacked the remaining players for a renewed fury. Much to the player’s distress, they quickly realized that the only thing worse than a half-crazed muppet monster was a half-crazed muppet monster which also happened to be on fire.

“Pale! I’m going to kill you!”

Roari shrieked as her eyes watered from the billowing smoke. His teammates, who now faced the prospect of being burned alive in addition to being buried could no nothing but huddle together. Somehow, they all barely managed to regroup in a corner while frantically beating off any panicked dolls that happened to come near.

Already, almost half of them had succumbed under the fiery wave of death. The remaining survivors instead formed a defensive line against the chaos. Tired, wide eyed warriors with blacked faces and tattered gear, all frantically shoving the small muppets away as if their lives depended on it… which it did.

In the midst of the chaos, one man stood out from the masses. His face was burnt as well, but his opponent was far worst for wear. Spicy Dragon, though exhausted had still remained calm while dueling the goliath within the sea of flames. As for the goliath, its entire body was charred black, yet the flames had petered out before fully finishing the monster off.

As for the smaller mobs, what had once been an overwhelming muppet army had quickly degenerated into a mass of ash and burning fabric.

As for the players, many were hacking their lungs out with tears in their eyes. It was to the degree that Pale himself wondered whether it was possible to die from asphyxiation in a virtual world.

However, the fight was not over. Rather than shrink back, the giant muppet roared and became even more vicious, fighting with an unbound ferocity that caused even Spicy Dragon to back up a bit. Not only did he have to deal with smoke and fire damage, but not this?

His hands clenched down on the blade of his sword, and like a war pick, Spicy Dragon furiously smashed the pommel into the bosses chest. After being weakened by flames, the giant muppet’s skin could no longer absorb the blow and burst, spewing out fluffy white stuff.

At this point, there was no longer any danger from the smaller muppets, and aside from a few stragglers, the rest had succumbed to the flames. Their blacked bodies would disperse into ash with but the slightest touch, collapsing into nothingness.

Now, only the boss remained, and victory should have been certain. Yet with that final blow, Spicy Dragon finally collapsed. His stamina completely expended. The enraged monster menacingly loomed over the man who had caused him so much damage and raised a gargantuan foot. It’s body was crumbling, but it no longer mattered. At the very least, it would slay this pain in the neck.

‘Grawwwwwwr’

With an earth shattering roar, it stomped down, splitting the stone floor.

Yes, Spicy Dragon had been quickly pulled out of the way, with the foot missing him by mere inches. But before the monster had any time to respond, it was bowled over as Roari tackled head first into its side as well.

With a confused cry, it fell, scattering dust and ash as its damaged knees could no longer weather the combined weight.

The remaining players were no slouches either, as they quickly moved in to surround the beast. On their faces were expressions of grievance, tiredness, and exasperation. And although they hadn’t fought for long, they were wiped and wanted to just go home and sleep.

As such, they began to enact the original plan and heavy thuds sounded off as they implemented the one sided beat down.

The monster muppet groaned, and its once thick hide buckled and distorted before being torn apart by their blows. The fire had done its toll. And with the players venting their frustrations from the ordeal on its body, it could do nothing but suffer as the players continued in a half crazed frenzy.

Unwilling to let it end in such a pathetic way, the beast roared in contempt, but its cries soon became pitiful wails as its skin burst open, revealing its soft fluffy innards. Once the stuffing began pouring out, the mad light in its eyes dimmed and its struggles finally ceased. The blacked corpse crumbling into ash, spilling out numerous items from its vanquished body.

And just like that, the great (but brief) muppet war had finally ended.

A collective breath was released.

Then silence.

Exhausted, battered and eyes covered by soot, snot and tears, the players came to a startling realization.

They had won!

A tired whoop. A tired cheer. It was the most people could manage anyways. But even as their chests rumbled, making them want to scream to the skills until their lungs burned and their ears bled, none of them could muster any further strength.

They had fucking won! So it should be okay to take a little rest now right?

“Dying to Muppets my ass.” Roari murmured before collapsing on her face, exhausted.