I survey the carnage of our battle, observing piles of cracked and shattered bones bent in unnatural angles. It makes me wonder about my old body. The other body. Milton's body, from a life that I inhabited only days ago, and yet it no longer feels right, as if it were mine.

Have you ever looked back at a picture of an ex-girlfriend and thought to yourself, "Huh. I used to think she was so pretty?" That's how I was starting to feel about my old life.

Poor Milton. Did my mother have a funeral for me? She must have. Or maybe she was still planning one. It really hadn't been that long.

I imagine my old body was cremated, though. The explosion got that process started, that's for sure.

I look down at my hands, my new body now, as if the universe can summon one up like there's some kind of divine 3D printer in the sky. My arms are a shade darker than they ever were in the old world, stained with dirt and battle, and tanned from being outside all the time.

Is this what life is—

  Achievement: Mobbed! Survive an assault from a group for more than 20 enemies at the same time. By the way, why are skeletons so depressed? …Because they have no BODY to talk to!

  Reward: Permanently increase the damage of a weapon type or ability in your or your crew's arsenal. Your selection must have been used during the battle where you earned this achievement.

I'm beginning to question whether a higher power actually designed this world. Maybe some parts of it got farmed out to a consulting firm or said high-power's younger brother or something.

  Achievement: Survive an in-game joke!

  Reward: "Fall-off-the-bone" spare ribs (6)

This weapon bonus from the achievement is almost as exciting as what Fenna was doing a minute ago. It seems like a big boost, but in a way, a commitment too. So far, most of my rewards have been fairly general, but now the game is pushing me to specialize even further if I want to make the most of these abilities.

Certainly, Rufus isn't getting a boost, but should I keep the bonus for myself or give it to Fenna?

As I'm trying to decide, our warm cloak of sunlight grows cold. The shadow of a passing cloud greets us from overhead, drawing my attention skyward. The cloud cover is intermittent, broken, and swirling now, but it's so dark on the horizon I imagine I can see the rain falling over the ocean from miles away.

"Better keep moving before the storm hits," I say to nobody in particular.

Fenna and Rufus are both picking through the bodies of the skeletons. Despite having no pockets, bags, or discernible containers of any kind, the skeletal bodies leave behind various objects, including small burlap sacks and jars.

I pick up one of the sacks. It's a small thing, about the size of a standard pound of ground coffee, and weighs about the same. On the label is a crude picture of a pile of white powder. At first, I think it's flour for baking, but the game tells me bone meal fertilizer is in the bag.

Okay, is this a pirate simulator world or a gardening simulator? Fertilizer? Ugh. The idea of getting reincarnated into a farming sim, now that sounds downright terrible.

Also littered across the ground are a few even smaller white bags about the size of beanbags. At least if these suck as much as the fertilizer, we can make some crude parlor games out of them. These new ones have piles of yellow powder painted on the outside. I pick one up and discover it is one unit of gelatin.

The jars amongst all the loot are mason-jar style, filled to the brim with a brown liquid. A paper label depicts a large pot with something brown floating in it.

Bone broth.

As I join my crew in picking up all this stuff, my brain does some math: If the reanimated undead human skeletons are dropping cooking and gardening ingredients, then this world is trying to trick me into cannibalism. The skeletons were human at one point, after all. Very clever, world. Very clever indeed.

But does the loot actually come from the mob, or does it come from somewhere else, like the same mystical 3D printer that put me in a new body? Is this a generic bone broth container, or is it supposed to be broth from the bones of that skeleton in particular? That was the one that caught my foot. Arguably he was one of the most resourceful of the bunch. Would that make his bone broth potentially superior?

This content has been misappropriated from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

I stock everything in my inventory for later. If we cook anything with this stuff, I guess I'll see if the NPCs eat it first, then decide. Although, if cannibalism is a regular and allowed thing in this world, which would kind of make sense in a pirate land — ugh, I don't even want to think about it. It's probably all generic loot anyhow.

As I lift another bag of ground-down skellie bones, the world voice alerts me to a new achievement.

  Achievement: Loot the corpses of 50 enemies. Psycho Killer. Qu'est-ce que c'est?

  Reward: You've unlocked a new ability! Fast Loot: You and your crew no longer have to search the bodies of defeated enemies by hand. Gesture to activate fast loot when you are within arm's reach, and all available loot will be transferred directly to your inventory.

I look up, excited to tell Fenna about my new ability, and I see she's no longer bending over to loot each corpse either. Now she just stops and points at the one she wants. The body disappears in a puff of smoke, and any loot it had goes flying in a wide arc into the air and then into her inventory pocket. The ability transfer to her was instant and unconscious.

I give fast loot a try, finishing off the last couple of bodies in the horde. There's something empowering, watching all this stuff fly through the air at me, although I wonder how I'll feel about it if I end up looting anything larger. What if something is carrying a piano, or an anvil or something. Will that just come flying right at me, only to shrink down and disappear into my waist at the last second?

For now, I feel like a giant loot vacuum, sucking up the world's riches, even if it's just bone meal fertilizer, gelatin, and bone broth. Where are the swords and guns and pirate ship upgrades in this damned place?

"Here, cap'n. You should eat something to restore your health." Fenna hands me a small bowl with a floppy, dark substance inside. A small spoon is dipped in one side of the bowl. My mind's eye tells me this is blackberry jello.

"Fenna, where did this come from? Did you just make this?"

"Yeah."

I look back and see Fenna reclining on her side nearby on a leather tarp. Her pose accentuates her curves in all the right places.

"Where did that tarp come from? And how do you know how to make jello?"

"I just thought it might be nice to have a picnic." Fenna beams a sweet smile. "Do you like it?"

I take a spoonful of jello and give it a try. The taste is tart but serviceable. After another bite, I can feel our green health bars filling back up. The health regeneration for Fenna and I seems at least twice what she was getting with basic food on the ship. I notice I'm also receiving twenty-five percent more replenishment from food and beverages thanks to a boon called Loungin' In The Great Outdoors (Fenna).

"Fenna, this is terrific. Delicious. Thank you."

Rufus slinks nearby, but he's too low to the ground to steal any of my jello.

"But what we could really use is some weapons or armor. So far, all I've picked up on this island are coins and scraps that I think are for crafting or repair. If we're going up against more voodoo witches, we could use some fighting gear. Baking is nice and all, but it's not gonna save us in a fight. We need gear. Any ideas?"

"Why didn't you say something earlier?" Fenna asks. "I've found a few things." Fenna gives me a coy grin, her eyes roaming in nefarious ways." Now cap'n. Did you forget to check my inventory?" She leans toward me as she says inventory, teasing me with the top-heaviness of her base loadout—as if the best place for her to store anything is in between those giant breasts of hers.

"Wait. Fenna, you have an inventory?" I can't believe it. "Of course, you have an inventory."

My goddam crew has been stealing loot from me this whole time.

"Yeah, look right at me and pull up my character info panel. It should be in the same place as yours in the UI."

And there it is. Fenna not only has a level, skills, abilities, a relationship with me, but she has an inventory and equipment too. Not only that, but she's carrying around a whole pile of stuff.

Inventory: Fenna

* Coin (89)

* Wooden Planks (3)

* Quail feathers (41)

* Power Shot Ring (+accuracy)

* Skirt of the Seaward Schoolgirl (+nautical/academic skills)

* Rifle stock

* Rifle barrel

* Leather scraps (22)

* Bone meal fertilizer (12)

* Gelatin (7)

* Bone Broth (13)

* Golden tooth

Above Fenna's inventory, I can also see her equipment.

Equipped: Fenna

* Fenna's Long Gun [Tier 1, Basic]

* Fenna's Flowy Shirt

* Fenna's Tight Pants

* Accessory: Empty

Her equipment is all basic without any upgrades or stat bonuses.

Stat bonuses. That reminds me—my achievement upgrade. Ugh, so much going on at once. We'll get back to Fenna and that skirt I spied in her inventory in one second.

So far, it feels like Fenna does more damage than I do in a lot of situations. While I like that, I think it's time 'ole Cap'n Connoly got a boost. I've been reasonably happy with my pistol in battle so far, and it seems like a right, proper weapon for a captain of a pirate ship to be good with.

Applying the Mobbed! boost to my pistols sends a flash of power through my arms that tingles in my fingertips and makes me feel like shooting something. It's like I can feel the gun barrel hardening, the slugs getting hotter, the trigger clicking into place with more finesse. When I draw my pistol to examine it, the weapon feels lighter. It looks newer as if someone buffed the metal and polished the wood.

Adding to that, I go back into Fenna's inventory and take out the Power Shot Ring and slide it on my trigger finger. The ring fits perfectly and gives me a small jolt of energy, kind of like putting back two shots of espresso in quick succession.

Finally, I pull from the ether the Skirt of the Seaward Schoolgirl, a short, pleated skirt of green and blue plaid. The material is soft, but the pleats are stiff enough to hold their shape.

"Well, cap'n if you want me in that schoolgirl skirt, you just need to put it on me. Equip me with that skirt, and I'll dress for you."

"Right here?"

"Where else am I going to dress?" Fenna giggles, rolling onto her back so she can start sliding off her pants. "Or, I suppose you could keep the skirt for yourself if you like it that much."