My precious bullet holes in the voodoo priestess’s chest begin to close at her utterance of a spell as if she can siphon health from the underworld and bring it within. I try to replace them with new holes but miss my next few shots.

Her movements are erratic, making her a hard target. She doesn’t dance so much as twitch as she caws and shouts, blasting volleys of magic at me, her body never entirely losing its beauty despite the insanity of her rage.

I take cover behind a stack of barrels and catch my breath as the wood sizzles with unearthly fire.

Just a crazed, half-naked, voodoo witch is all. I’ve seen worse, right?

The priestess doesn’t give me long enough to come up with what exactly could be worse and has soon circled my cover to engage me again. Pointing bloody fingertips at me, she growls new words of magic.

A vision of the totem in her hand appears before me. Only this vision is far, far larger. I want to be like, “Hey, dude,” and run my hand over it, petting it like you would a large but loveable kitty, but before I can, the thing spews a cloud of frothy green disease at me with the intensity of an exploding coffee steamer.

Oh, the memories.

I manage to duck the attack by rolling forward, clipping the priestess’s leg with another couple of shots as I attempt to avoid her new onslaught of green bolts. Still, one strikes me squarely in the chest, sizzling my health bar down and giving me a jolt.

Even so, I’m starting to get a feel for combat in this new world, the strength of this body, and its agility. Ducking, rolling, dodging—these actions come more smoothly to me here, as if I was born to fight.

Then she rushes me, letting out a shrill scream, her eyes blazing. So much for resting on my laurels. Expecting a punch or a slap, I move to block, but she leaps at me with her whole body and knocks me to the ground.

At this point, this wild voodoo priestess has just landed straddled on top of me. Her heavy breasts dangle just inches from my face as she curses me in some unknown language.

I try to shoot her off of me, but she knocks the gun away, leaning closer, pressing her breasts against my mouth and nose. Her bone necklace, caught in all that cleavage, scratches at my face, even as the soft volume of her massive tits attempts to smother me.

That’s right. She’s got me in the ‘ole voodoo titty trap.

The priestess leans into her attack, committing fully. She uses her elbows to cup her breasts fully around my face even as her arms continue to fight me. That’s when green gaseous magic starts to ooze from her skin, entering my lungs and threatening me with enchanted slumber.

I can’t shake her, but I do manage to place the barrel of my pistol against the side of her head for a fraction of a second.

Bang.

The level 4 voodoo priestess jerks and then goes limp atop me, showering me with the experience of an elite kill as she smacks her nipple into my eye—a final insult before her body loses balance and slumps to the side.

You have gained a level!

There’s that rush again, that feeling of smashing through a plate glass window like your barefoot Bruce Willis on two Red Bulls.

I take a look around for further danger and only see Rufus coming out from the trees. He appears to be doing sign language for take two large coconuts and bang them together.

This content has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

Well, if the monkey thinks it’s safe, I can probably take a second to see what awaits me at this level.

  Captain Connolly

  Level 3

  ~Skills~

  * Firearms: 1

  *** Slight Edge, Pistols

  * Stealth: 1

  * Swimming: 1 (3)

  * Smooth Talking: 1

  Choose a skill to improve:

  * Wrestling - It seems your enemies have a thing for climbing on top of you. Maybe you should do something about that?

  * Animal Handling - Unclear if this covers hyper-intelligent monkeys and undead dogs. Just kidding. It doesn’t.

  * Firearms - No, this ability does not give you flaming upper appendages…although if you take the correct set of actions in the proper order, you might get the Fire Arms talent, if you’re lucky.

This is an exciting and difficult choice. So far, my pistol has been my go-to weapon, but I do keep ending up in hand-to-hand combat. I want to be a great shot and go John Wick all over this world, blasting the shit out of everyone who stands in my way.

But the idea of not just wrestling my enemies but possibly my allies into submission is way too appealing.

Will I regret this as much as Advanced Picnicking? Only time will tell.

I take the point in Wrestling.

To my surprise, a second prompt appears from this level up.

  Choose a new special talent:

  * Quickshot - Draw, load, aim, and shoot more quickly.

  * Nose for treasure - Gain an uncanny instinct for loot.

  * Resist corruption - Improve resistances against diseases and magic that corrupt the body, such as poison and sleep spells.

So far, I've done a fairly poor job of securing much treasure at all. I feel like, as a pirate, in this respect I have failed. I'm under-resourced, and if my plans are going to work out, I'm going to need more than a few coins and leather scraps to carry me forward.

Sorry John Wick. Your day will come. Perhaps in this world or the next.

As soon as I’m done selecting my advancements, a flash of energy forms around Fenna as well.

Fenna has gained a level! You have chosen to advance her now.

  Fenna

  Level 3 Longsighter

  * Perceive at Great Distances

  * Navigate by the Starlight

  * Accurate With Long Guns

  * Advanced Picnicking

  Choose an advancement area for Fenna:

  * Point Blank Shot - Increase damage when using a long-range weapon at point-blank range.

  * Sleeping Damsel - Gain a bonus to your skills when Fenna is lying down and within short range.

  * Always Shoot First - Fenna deals increased damage on her first attack if she initiates combat.

I remember Point Blank Shot from the last time Fenna leveled up. So some advancements stick around, offering you a second chance at them. I’m not sure if that means they’re more common, and therefore not as good, or if the world is actually trying to help me out here.

The Always Shoot First talent also has that enormous appeal of helping us win fights before they even start. The best defense.

As for Sleeping Damsel, maybe it could be helpful when she’s in a sniper position with her long gun. I don’t really expect every enemy in this world to have sleep magic. Then again, she does seem to get knocked down or unconscious an awful lot.

I decide that Always Shoot First pairs well with her relationship talent, which improves accuracy when she’s with me. Hopefully, I can stack more skills along those lines.

As I lock in Fenna’s new advancement, I see she’s stood up and is coming over to meet me.

“This island has just been so exciting. I figured I’d take a nap,” she says, brushing dirt from her clothes. “I hope you don’t mind a bit of sleeping on the job, cap’n.”

I move to engage my Smooth Talking ability to say something witty in response when Fenna reaches down to my waist and grabs my pistol from the band of fabric that I tuck it into.

“There’s another witch,” she says, taking aim over my shoulder at an unknown target.

“Now, now, child. I won’t be tryin’ to do you in like Rihanna here.” I spin to see an older woman, tall and strong, with long gray dreadlocks that hang past her waist. She wears bright colors and limps toward us with the aid of a gnarled staff.

“She must have been hiding in the wreckage of that shed the whole time,” Fenna says, not dropping her gun.

“I needed to know if you had it in you to defeat de evil that festers on this island.”

“And now that you do?” I ask.

She leans toward us on her staff, eyes open with bulging intensity. “I offer you the greatest treasure on de island if you will help me save it.”

And this is what she tells us.