One of her first decrees as the great God to this small following, was to create a space where she could think.
She had started the creation of a new testament to showcase the ways in which this world had strayed from the righteous path.
Decree 1: Almightly requires the time from sunset to sunrise to meditate.
This decree she had blurted out the moment the words popped in her head, was actually one of her best ideas of the day. She had told the brothers and sisters about the desire to find the rest of her, or rather Almightly’s, body. This process, she had informed them, required long hours of uninterrupted meditation to locate the other pieces of her epic form across the vast world. While being complete bullshit, it did offer her a much needed escape from the paranoia of having her brain read constantly. Followers were strictly warned that the process of reading Almightly’s mind while this meditation took place would result in a complete mental breaking- another quick lie she had come up with. But these religious people were so quick to believe anything she said- it didn’t take much convincing of any kind to get them to do what she wanted.
Neza, newly appointed to the newly created position of Speaker of Almightly, set down the small doughy form of her God on a small golden pillow.
“Is there anything you require of me great Almightly?” she bowed as she stepped away from the altar.
No, were she to have a body she would have adjusted herself on the pillow slightly, Are you sure they will respect the decree? She couldn’t help but worry. This was the first world she had reincarnated into that wasn’t a complete waste so the thought of blowing her only shot at being able to do anything kept her on edge.
Neza nodded with a soft smile, “Fear not Almightly, the walls of this room are inscribed with powerful blocking magic. Not that any brother or sister would go against Your words, they will not be able to direct their magic at this room at all once it is sealed,” her face twisted into slight concern, “That of course means that were you to need any assistance of some sort, no one would be able to come help until the spell on the doors dissipate at Sunrise…” she smiled again facing her God, “I have the most trusted Brothers on guard just outside so I don’t anticipate any problems arising.”
You have been extremely helpful Neza.
“My name is actually Nezasit, dear Almightly…”
I hope you will continue to prove your worthiness as my speaker as I save this world.
She nodded, “Of course Almightly,” she bowed, “If there is nothing else then…”
With her approval, Neza left the room and finished the spell required to protect Almightly and allow for her to complete the deep meditation.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Were she to have had lungs with which to breathe, at this moment they would be shaking at the strain of trying to push out every bit of air within them.
FINALLY!! she sighed in relief. Like a wave, the stress and paranoia washed off her and her soul felt the heaviness that had been pushing her down all day. All at once, it had been released and she finally had time to decompress and to plan.
As quickly as it had gone, the paranoia returned and she found herself testing her few followers, HELLO????
…
HELP!!!! HELP!!!! SOMEONE IS TRYING TO EAT ME OH MY - uh- ME PLEASE HELP!!
…
NEZA!!! NEZA I NEED YOU!! HURRY UP AND COME HERE!!
…
Wow was she actually telling the truth? Does that mean I’ll actually be here all by myself until the sunrise? Wait…what if this is a test? What if they are all outside, ears pressed against the door to listen to her thoughts and hear her for the fraud she is? She considered this for a short moment before metaphorically shrugging it off, eh- if they could hear me they would probably have run in to kill me already. Besides the worst these people can do is kill me. Better to focus on what I can do rather than bogging myself down with what I can’t.
Were this sentient seanut able to show any emotion, there would have been a soft smile across the doughy ball. It had been something her mom told her when she had been a young human child and was a phrase she never realized she’d bothered to remember.
She began her epic plan. She knew she wanted to humiliate Almightly. And what better way to humiliate a God, than to sway his people away from his Godly teachings. She had seen enough movies to know that God’s powers came from people’s beliefs and following in their teachings. So she planned. She planned her new testament and each decree. She schemed about how to twist Almightly’s teachings. She even planned her next speech to the congregation and a few big ideas she wanted to tell Neza about before bringing it to the entire Sekt.
And after a whole 23 minutes of focused and frenzied thinking. She was out of things to think about. Well that’s not actually the truth. You see, thinking consciously is a skill. Thinking, while innate, is not actually a practical way to organize ones thoughts. Human memory is fleeting and unreliable, and who doesn’t have ADHD is her day in age? Sure- she had an idea of what she wanted to do, but each time she would create a concrete idea and plan and commit it to memory- it would trigger a thought or idea that would derail her.
Let’s back up for 2 minutes and look at the thoughts racing through the Seanut’s head.
…each day. I’m thinking, let’s make them, like really orthodox right? Like they should pray to Almightly like…10 times a day? When they wake up, before each meal- that’s 4, when they go to bed….uhhh and I guess some random times throughout the day. I’ll just make it really annoying. We take up all their free happy time with prayer…maybe I can make them crusade for my “missing body”?
Uh no. I can’t wait out for a whole crusade. What if this body died at some point? OH SHIT! Will I die if I rot? Wait- will mold trigger the death? Fuck. Do they have freezers here? I’ll have to talk to Neza about that later.
Oh maybe I should make them vegan or something…paleo maybe? Which one of those dumb diets made people awful? Oh Carnivore might be a good one- oh maybe I’ll make them all go vegan, but we have to kill all the animals for sacrifice? Hmmm…let’s leave the animals alone. But vegan sounds like a winner.
So that’s decree 2 no consumption of animals or animal byproducts.. No wait, decree 2 was about daily prayer so then 3 is no consumption of animals.
Hearye hearye- gatherround for Almightly’s holy decree: 1 no eating animals, decree 2: pray to me- oh fuck no it’s 1- pray to me, 2- animals. Man building a religion is hard. How did Jesus do it?
This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.
Maybe it would be easier if I just had them worship the seanut thing….I can probably get the sekt people to do it, but who knows if all the normies are that gullible. Probably better to make small tweaks to their beliefs instead of major changes… add that to the list of things to tell Neza. Uhhh - oh yeah the rotting thing and this….wait- the….
God dammit how am I supposed to remember ANY OF THIS SHIT?!?!?
There was no response- since no one was there.
Crap- what am I even doing? Am I even doing anything? I’m a fuckin takoyaki for almightly’s sake. It’s just dumb luck that I made it to this point at all….and who even knows I’ll ever find my way to a world like this again?
And this continued through the night. Occasionally she would “pass out”. It wasn’t like sleeping it was like mental fatigue? Every few hours after being in her own thoughts she would almost slip into a lulled day dream state. These moments only lasted a few moments to minutes at most, but it was all the relief she was able to get in her safe solitude.
One such mental fatigue grey out, she was suddenly roused “awake” by 3 loud knocks against the wall of the structure. When she had a body, such jolts used to wake her usually ended with her toppled to the floor, but this time her seanut body remained perfectly still upon the pillow Neza had sat it on the night before.
It was her cue that the spell was about to be taken down. She had about a minute to gather herself. OK! Here we go! I am Almightly! I am here to save this world and bring about my correct teachings to save these people! Today is all about seeing how my children have strayed from my teachings. I will learn about this world today and tomorrow begins the real work.
She wasn’t yet familiar with how magic fundamentally functioned in this world, but whatever spell had been used to keep her Almightliness protected here seemed to be strong judging from the way the walls shook as the magic peeled away from the walls and ceilings in shimmering sheets of soft light.
“Almightly,” Neza called from outside the walls, “I am about to listen for your order-”
It’s fine Neza. You can come in.
The door opened and Neza entered followed by an extremely tall and slender man. He was easily well over 6 foot. The man had an incredibly intimidating aura with sharp slanting features, silver- almost transparent hair that stopped just short of his yellow-slitted eyes. His Sekt robes seemed well tailored to his frame and the fake Almightly could make out what looked like scales around his neck. Were the seanut able to think freely she would have identified him as “major ick vibes”.
“Good morning Almightly,” Neza said cheerfully with a bow, “Were you able to locate any parts to your form?”
She started with a sigh, Good morning Neza. While I was able to sense the general presence of my form, it is far to weak to locate precisely I fear.
Neza nodded thoughtfully, “Our Brother here,” she motioned to the snake-like man, “he had the foresight to spread notices and news throughout the city to stop all consumption of squid. The community has started to collect any fresh squid.”
“My hope Almightly,” he began, “Is that it may be more possible to locate your mighty form with the help of your followers.”
Fine work- uh his name?
Neza perked up, “Forgive me Almightly. This is brother Buntly.”
Buntly suddenly went red, “Forgive me Almightly! I did not mean-”
Neza patted the wilting man on his shoulder, “You’re doing fine Buntly. Deep breaths.”
Wait…is this Bunty dude like a major wimp?
Nezza was suddenly standing straight up and blinking furiously at the seanut. Were the Almightly impersonator to have had hands, they would be firmly smacked over her mouth at the slip.
Neza bared into a smile, “Lord Almightly, Buntly,” she emphasized, “here possess telekinetic magic and is unable to hear your praises directly. But I assure you brother Buntly,” she reemphasized, “our Lord is very proud of your foresight and dedication.”
At that, Buntly returned to his upright position but his demeanor did not return to the icky aura he had upon his first entrance.
Neza, I have a strange question for you.
---
Her soul shivered violently within the slowly freezing dough of her body. She wasn’t breathing technically. But her human soul only really can experience life the way a human does. That meant that when she started breathing heavily and shakily, it was hard not to panic.
Last time she experienced freezing, it had been slower. She had expected that freezing via ice magic was going to be quite painful but she wasn’t expecting a panic attack to be triggered from her soul experiencing phantom body shock.
NEZA! she managed to think before things went black.
Immediately, the biting cold was gone. She was still cold, yes- fucking freezing actually. But she wasn’t getting colder anymore and that meant she could relax.
“Was that successful Almightly?” Neza asked standing beside a terrified ice mage. Buntly was behind them looking on curiously.
Yes I think that worked perfectly. Tell Bunty that he should find ice mages for all the squid collected in the community. Also, we may need to do this every few days.
Neza nodded and turned away to relay information to the other two. Buntly immediately ran off to follow his “holy quest” and the ice mage sister nodded in understanding to Neza.
The rest of the day, Almightly went to church. She spent all day in the worship service, children’s classes, confessionals, and even sat down with leaders in the sekt to have them explain the workings of their faith.
Some people were strangely defensive about talking about their faith, as if Almightly was going to ruin their personal life. Which, in all fairness, was spot on. Surprisingly though, it was Neza who soothed the tension.
Thank you for that. the seanut thought in Neza’s direction as they walked down the hall from their meeting with the head of the main church. Neza walked just slightly behind where Almightly floated. One of Buntly’s primary roles was to “carry” almightly within protection magic. So now, Almightly floated on a gold lined pillow at the current height of 6 foot, with Buntly just a few steps behind them both.
“I did nothing Almightly.”
You totally calmed that guy down. I can’t believe how angry he got just because I wanted to know more about the faith…
“These people are scared my lord. We have lived with more or less peaceful lives here. And for the Sekt to discover all the good we thought we have done may in fact not be in line with our own faiths….I hope you can see how that may cause some tension.”
I guess I can see that.
“Have you learned how we have gone astray?”
Now that’s a tricky question. I will share it with you tomorrow.
Neza nodded and the three continued to walk to Almightly’s room.
The fake God was placed upon the throne. The door was closed. The spell was put in place. There were 3 knocks to inform Almightly they were safe to begin the intense meditation required to find his body.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
And as her soul finally relaxed after a day of method acting to be a God, her soul teared up and she whined about it. This is so fucked up…..were she to have a nose, there would have been sniffling. I fucking hate Almightly- putting me in this stupid torture like- what the fuuuuuckkkk. Were to have had a mouth, the immense shaking in her tears would have warped the next several words she could make out before bursting into a fit of hysterics. Ijustwannagetrevengeonthatughthatstupidfuggindudebrobuthowelsedoyougettheattentionofagodwithoutgettingalotofotherpeopleinvolved?
At the end of her cry fest, many, many minutes later. Her soul completed its last sniffle and teary eyed sigh. Facing the facts, the rest of my life- for eternity, I am going to be a takoyaki. I can either die like this or fight back. The only way to fight with a God is to act like one myself. I’m sorry to the people that get wrapped up into this…but this is a war between Gods now- and I’m not going die for the rest of my life as a takoyaki just so these animal people get to have some kind of sick utopia.
Fuck that.