A chance

I always liked watching the sunset. It gives me the feeling that no matter how bad your day was, there will always going to be at least one beautiful thing that you can save from it. 

At least that it was what I believed.

But right now the sunset it's going to testify my last moments in this world. It has been a long way till here.

I wasn't always like this.

When I was a kid people always said that I was cheerful and warm with everyone around me. That since I was a baby I could understand what people could feel, I was very caring. I often remember how my mother was crying because she didn't have anything to eat and was afraid that she couldn't raise me, those times she told me that I never bothered her with my cries. I even gone to sleep by myself since I didn't want to trouble her. I was only two years old when those things happened and the same thing happened during a few years.

Things like that were too often for me, I never stayed in one place, I say place because my mother couldn't even afford a house or even an apartment for renting.

I grew up without having the warm from a father, but it never troubled me. My mom was all I ever needed. Even when she couldn't give me things that other kids could have, like toys or even nice clothes, it never mattered to me.I always said to myself that those thing could wait until I grow older.

I was what you could call a good kid and I was also very gifted regardless intelligence. That was something that it often gives my mom happiness during those times, she always heard about how good I was in school, how hard I tried to learn knowledge from everyone. 

Seeking knowledge was always something that amazed me. My favorite times was when I could watch TV documentaries, or when my mother bosses gift her books from Biology  and Zoology. There was always new things to learn. That thirst was a bottomless pit that regardless how much I spend time learning, it never was enough.

That's probably the thing that makes me try harder everytime thing's goes hard. There's always a way for every problem in your life it just that you don't know the answer in that moment.

My life keep going like that till I was a teen. That was when things changed for better or for worse.

My mom could afford maintain us and living in a decent house. I got my first computer those years and I begun with my NEET habit.

Also those were the times that my naivety and kindness were lost. People at that age were really douchbags.

And you could also say that there was when I begun to disappoint my mother. When I begun being anxious and get my first symptoms of depression.

I started to see the world at his true colors. Remember that I said that I've been always caring? Well that's really a shit trait in this world, you began to suffer in the precise moment that you realize how cruel can human be, how greedy and selfish people are.

I started to lose what it makes me feel good about myself.

When you start to doubt yourself and how you are, it's when you start to walk in a path that makes you lost the most valuable thing that somebody could have. Self-love.

Where I lived it's a common thing that you end your high school at 18 years and then you begun with your university life.

Well that's the first thing that I failed, because I worked at a full-time job I couldn't go two years consecutive at school. So I repeated those grades. My mom was disappointed on me again. The only thing that she ever requested to me was that I could get good grades at school, even if that mean that she has to forced herself to more hours at work.

At my 20's I ended the school, then I begun at university. That was because we have free education where I lived, if not for it, I would have take it me a few more years. My personality at this time begin to deteriorate. I didn't even had friends anymore.

The time passed by, and without me noticing It was a year since I ended my 6 years career . It was the dream that my mother has seeing me graduating. But I lossed her two years ago and she never saw me fulfilling her long waited wish. Twenty years cleaning houses, twelve hours at day, passed her the bill. Before her dead I always heard her complaining and crying of pain. I blamed myself for this, it was for me that she worked so hard.

If I could only ended school when I was supposed to, I could at least gived her that wish. But I didn't. I never gave her anything, even when she did everything for me all those years.

She could have abandoned me when I was a baby, but she didn't. She could have work less  and complete her studies, but she didn't because of me. She was always there given her all. But I wasn't.

I tried during this time to move on, struggling to live because that was what she really wanted. 

The music and painting was my only consolation when I was down. Having passed my childhood living city after city it make it hard for me to socialize, I had acquaintances but never friends. You could say that what I couldn't find in friends and family, I founded in love. There was always someone there when it was the hardest for me in my teens, and even in my early 20's. But it wasn't the same on the last four years.

I always said to myself that what I have lived it wasn't that bad as others. But now here I am. Throwing all my griefs at the wind and taking the decision to end my life. 

The genuine version of this novel can be found on another site. Support the author by reading it there.

You may ask 'Why? Even when your mother never wanted that for you ' Well it's not that I don't care about that, it just that i can't go on anymore. 

I'm lost.

I have no ambitions and nothing to fight for.

There's nothing that can fill that empty. Hell, I can't even feel emotions like excitement or hope, let's not talk about happiness.

I tried, I swear I did.

But you know what I'm feeling right now? Relief, because the pain it's going to stop.

I'm not going to jump of a bridge, or thrown myself at the train. At least once in my life I want to do something good. Before doing this I have already decided to donate my body. It's just a shame that my lungs will be a little fucked but, hey, something has to do the work.

And if you're wondering how I choose to leave this world, you know car-kun? Well his breathing can take our lives in a closed place.

Now I'm waiting until it took effect, late but surely it make effect, the tiredness took my body so I closed my eyes.

Oh I love this song, how nice to hearing it at my last. Nothing But Thieves make it a great job.

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Sigh 'huuh, it's a pity that he decided to end his life, he could have changed many things in his world if he has the will. It has taken many reincarnations to that soul to get in that place'

A middle-aged man with a black robes and golden wristbands was watching besides Simon's body. He has been paying attention to his soul since his second life, thousands years ago and has seen him learning and getting a 1 in 20 billion chance to elevate his soul into a major soul.

'I guess your fate wasn't meant to be in this place, should I place you somewhere else?'

The man was having a hard time, he has shared his joy and sadness with him during the years, it would be lying if he said that he wasn't attached to him and has been expecting for his best during this last life.

Suddenly an androgynous being appeared near the men side. He has a gray plain robe that covers his entire body. With a plain and cold voice said.

"You're by his side again Chrono, why are you wasting your time with this mortal?"

The middle-aged man didn't response to him, but keep watching Simon's body, pondering about something.

Then he moves his gaze to the androgynous man and said to him.

"Say Aion, could you give him one last chance and don't take him away?"

The so called Aion maintain a cold and uninterested face while saying.

"I can, but times wait for no man, why should I gave him the time that he doesn't have anymore? He has been already elevated to a higher being, his soul don't belong here anymore" Aion said firmly.

Chrono sighed and look to Simon again.

"I know but didn't Gaia said that we have given mortals the gift of reincarnation for giving them the chance of getting a better life? He has suffering much more than what he enjoyed. The karmic cycle has leave him aside and I can't stand it" 

"That was his fate, we cannot change the heavens will" Aion cut him out.

But then, for a moment his face changed, but then returned to his plain and uninterested face again.

"But you can also say that the heavens were fair to him. Who in all planes will have a Titan watching for his soul? Maybe the karma wasn't by his side but you was, and that counts much more that any accumulated luck that he could carry through all his life's" Aion finally said while looking at Chrono.

Chrono smiled faintly and said with certain warmth in his voice.

"He deserved it, you haven't seen him fighting through his life's, he has done more good than many souls together but he never knew" 

Then Chrono said while began to walking away.

"Give him one last chance, maintain his memories from this last life, get him to that world you mentioned before. I'm sure he will shine there. I will no longer watch for him and you could take this as a gift to him, also I will owe you one for this Aion" With the last word said he disappeared.

"As you wish" Aion said plainly and suddenly a faintly golden light appeared in his hand.

'The consummation of thousand of years of experience in my hands, if you could have lived in a higher realm you could have roam free from your fate and get whatever you wanted. Well now you would have the chance, let's see what will you do' With that saying Aion snap his finger and the light disappeared from earth with him.

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Simon didn't know how much time has passed since he was surrounded by darkness.

'How can I still maintain consciousness? Hell really exists?' he could faintly remember that Christian's hell was an infinite and eternal darkness. 

'Still, my suicide did goes wrong, pain didn't go away and I still retain  these feelings. Truly I am a joke, what a disgraceful luck that I have' Simon couldn't help but mock himself.

Then he faintly started to feel something calling for him. First he was shocked, then turned curious for what could call him in what he believed is"hell".

'Could it be my body remembering me about something?' Simon began to ponder.

But next he stopped to think an begun to scream in the void.

'I DIDN'T DELETE IT, GOD DAMN, PEOPLE WILL THINK THAT I WAS A FREAK' His browser history and computer files wasn't deleted, he blame himself for his carelessness.

'Still why I must worry? I'm dead' with this way of thinking he relaxed. But it didn't last long. His surroundings began to change, and he found himself in a vastly white space.

He then heard a voice, it sounded plain and devoid of emotion.

"This is your last journey, as a gift from someone you have been gived one last chance. You will reincarnated in a new place, but because you ended your life, you will retain all your memories. Now I will give you a chance to choose only one thing to take with you. Take your time to choose wisely" 

Simon found his reason froze, then he began to laugh.

"Hahaha,Who could have said it?! the Isekai novel's were right, this thing really happens" 

While a part of him was faintly... happy? excited? He didn't remember exactly what feeling was. But certainly it was something positive. This was one of his wishes, as an otaku, who didn't dream it about this scenario?

He then started to pondering. 

'well certainly living with my current memories will be a pain in the ass, as well a blessing itself. With this much knowledge I have this could be good, but then again, could I use all the things I know?' 

While having a unique power was a plus ultra, it would not really works in a long term. He knows himself. As he has a chance now to begin from zero, he didn't want to be a lone wolf as his previous self. So should he choose  some kind of power above something like unlimited power or being an OP being?

"Can I ask, what kind of world will I go?" Simon asked first.

"What you call fantasy"  The voice respond faintly.

'That's cool, I prefer it over a wuxia-like world 

But there will be magic probably and some crazy races. Should I walk the path of an modern man? 

While it has it's advantages, it also has it setbacks. Should a choose some kind of symbiosis between the two worlds features?

God, it's so hard to choose, I could certainly screw up'

After what it seems a few minutes of pondering he said.

"I choose some kind of spiritual library that can archive and organized all the knowledge that I ever saw and know. This will work at my will and could share knowledge from the world that I will travel " 

"That's all?" The voice asked.

'I know it's pretty shit but it's the most balanced thing that I could think right now, damn I'm so nervous, EVEN THOUGH I DON'T HAVE A BODY' Simon thought to himself.

"...Well you could also make me a little bit more attractive?..." Simon asked as he was whispering.

"You lack greedness, but you're full of idiocy. Well I will grant what you asked. Live well"

When the voice ended Simon found himself... falling? It was an strange feeling.

But when he began to see and sense his surrounding he was beyond surprised.