It’s about a week later when the doorbell rings.

I have just come back from my walk, and I am lying on the couch sipping water slowly and trying to catch my breath, while Mum is in the kitchen making lunch for both of us. And then a shrill ringing pierces the silence, and I run to the room, swinging it open and knowing before I even see her face who it is.

“Marya,” I gasp, struggling to breath normally and look her straight in the eyes.

“Lyssy,” she echoes, staring at me with her mouth open slightly and her arms hanging limp at her sides. “Look...I’m…I’m sorry and all, about last week. I was a jerk.”

My heart is pounding, I know she’s sorry but whenever I look at her I see her like I saw her last week- the bloodshot eyes, the open mouth, the pitifully sad smile. I don’t know what to say, don’t know what to tell her, still blinded by the monster that she dared to reveal to me. “It’s okay,” I manage to mumble, and I give her a small smile, stepping back and opening the door wider, gesturing her inside. “Come on in.”

She stares at me, and her eyes widen, stumbling backwards and holding her palms out in protest. “Your Mum’s away?”

I chew my lip and fight to get my mouth to say the words I know have to be said. “Look, I… I tried to tell you last time, things are different now. We’ve been talking- she’s not what you think she is. She’s not what either of us have ever thought she is.”

Marya just stares at me without saying a word, but for a moment, I see a flame of fire in her eyes that knocks me backwards. She stares at me for a second, her eyes glittering with hatred and then it leaves as quickly as it came, and she just stares there with her face fallen and dejected. “So...you gonna say your sorry?”

I give a little jump, and I brush my hair out of my eyes, not really sure what she means. “What?”

“For telling your Mum about me last week. You going to apologize?”

I stare at her, realization crackling all over my body and then mumble out the words that I had prepared for my last visit. “Look, I really am sorry, Marya.” I force myself to look her in the eyes despite the terror that flutters beneath my skin. “I was wrong to do that. I thought I was doing the right thing, and I thought I was making a sacrifice that would help you in the long run, but it ended up really hurting you and I’m sorry about that.”

Her eyes narrow into thin slits, but she just stands there, waiting for me to continue.

“I talked to my Mum, and I think… I think you deserve a chance. I’ve been feeling...really alone and stuff, and I miss you, I really do. You mean everything to me, Marya, you’re my best friend. I want you to have the chance to be with me to the end.” I stop suddenly and stare at her with my hands clasped together in a silent plea. My whole body suddenly feels freezing cold, a dull ache dragging me down to the ground. “Please forgive me,” I whisper, holding my hand out for her to shake.

She stares at my hand for a moment, with her eyebrows crinkled together and her face contorted in pain, but she makes no move to grab my hand. Instead, she just looks from my hand, to my face, and then back to my hand. “It’s okay,” she says slowly, each word slow and well pronounced. “I forgive you, I mean,”

I nod vigorously, and give her the best smile that I can manage, looking her in the eyes and saying, “So, Joshua told me that you’re….”

“A couple, yeah,” Marya says with a tight nod, staring at me with her thin lips pressed into a hard line. “Joshua told me you gave your blessing.”

I stare at her with my mouth open slightly, trying to figure out what to say. This was nothing like what I imagined our reunion to be like, nothing like the teary hugs that I had imagined. “Why...why him? He didn’t even...I mean, Joshua wasn’t…”

“He was a better friend than you ever were,” she says ferociously, and the sudden malice in her words sends tears skipping to my eyes, and makes my whole body droop with sadness. I rip my gaze away from her, unable to look at the harshness in her eyes, and instead stare at the floor fighting to find the right words to say to her.

“I’m sorry, Alyssa, I didn’t mean that,” she says after a moment, quieter this time. She takes a step forwards, and I stare at her with tears dripping down my cheeks. I don’t know what to say to her, don’t know how to tell her that I’ve always been her friend, never once hated her, never once doubted her, never wanted to leave her side until the day my cancer forced me to do so.

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“I know,” I say finally, folding my arms across my chest in sickened horror. “I know you didn’t.”

“Joshua is...unlike anyone else that I’ve ever met,” Marya says slowly, taking a step towards me with her jaw clenched tightly together. “He looked at me, and he saw...someone beautiful. I didn’t even see that in myself. He told me that there was hope, he told me that there was… freedom. I can be myself around him, and I don’t know how long it’s been since I’ve ever felt that about anyone. And I really think… I think he loves me back. He’s so vulnerable, Alyssa, if only you understood how much your words to him in the classroom hurt him . I think I’ve really been able to help him. And I haven’t felt like I was so needed in a long, long time.”

I bite back bitter words threatening to gush off my tongue, and stare up at her face, my cheeks burning with shame. “Could I really never be that to you?”

She stands up much taller, her eyes sparking with a feverish kind of passion. There’s something strange hanging over her, something that scalds my heart and makes me want to run away and never show my face again. “Please stop making this about you. None of this is about you.” Her knees buckle and she falls to the ground, her face contorting in terrified anguish and her whole body shaking with anger. “Did you really give your blessing? Did you really say that you wanted us to be together?”

My heart is throbbing within me, but one look at her face removes any doubts. I know who I want to be, I know what I want to do. I care about Marya, I want her to know happiness, I want her to find joy. I don’t want to get in the way of that anymore. So I reply the three words I know must be said. “Yes, I did.”

“Why?”

“Because…” I stop suddenly, because I don’t really know why I said yes. Everything is falling apart, I can’t grasp anything anymore, can’t fully understand what I want of anything. But I tell her the only truth that I know. “Because I care about you, Marya. And...I do want you to be happy. But I’m still scared, because I miss you. And I’m so afraid of losing you. I’m sorry if I sound selfish or…”

“You looked at me with so much hatred that day, so much anger. I thought you hated me.” Tears are overflowing down her face, snot dripping into her mouth and her cheeks flushed and red. The hurt in her eyes takes my breath away, and I have to fight not to crumple with her.

“I don’t hate you, Marya.”

She doesn’t reply, just stares up at me and shakes her head with a sad smile.

“And I know you don’t hate me,” I add softly, staring at her with my heart stirring with deep compassion. I hold out my hand to her, holding it out steadily, an anchor for her to grab, a lifeboat to protect her from the stormy waves.

She takes it, heaving herself up and meeting my eyes for a moment before tackling me in a hug.

I cling to her, tears slipping down my cheeks as I squeeze her with all the strength still left in me. Both of us are crying, but I know that she is smiling just as big as I am.

“I love you, Lyssy,” she says roughly, a smile dancing across her cheeks.

“I love you too,” I whisper back, closing my eyes and breathing in the moment, taking it in, storing it in my heart so that when I die, I’ll have those little moments, those little happy moments that I hope can ‘flash before my eyes’.

“Lyssy?”

I look up at her expectantly, my smile disappearing when I see how serious she is. But she just clears her throat, giving me a smile and standing there silently for a moment. “There’s one more thing I have to tell you.”

I nod quickly, clasping my hands together and staring up at her with a low tingle zipping across my skin. “Okay.”

“Like...two weeks ago, when you were in the hospital, I...I gave my life to Jesus.”

I find myself jumping backwards, shocked by the seriousness on her face, by the earnestness in her eyes.  I don’t know what to feel, can't think beyond the dark clouds shrouding my mind.  A strange pang in my heart tells me that I don't want to hear it, don't need to hear the preaching that I know will come next.  But I know she's waiting for me, know she wants me to respond.  I just need to find the words to say.

So I ask, pronouncing each word slowly and carefully, “What do you mean?”

“It means freedom,” she whispers, a faraway look in her eyes. “It means that even when the world seems against me, I have a daddy. A daddy who looks at me and sees someone worth fighting for, someone worth dying for. And he did. Die for me. So that I could be with him.”

I flinch, my heart thumping wildly, and stare at her, shaking my head slightly. I know what she's trying to do, she's trying to get me to convert, trying to get me to join her.  And I know I can't accept that.  But I can't stop myself from asking about the one word I know changes everything.  “A...a daddy?”

“Yeah. He gave his life so that those who trust in him can be adopted, can live as his princes and princesses. He gave his life for you, Lyssy. For me. If you choose to follow him.”

“What are you saying?”

“I don’t know what I’m saying, but just…” she stops, and looks me straight in the eyes. “If you ever think about joining me, you know where to find me.” She reaches into her back pocket, and pulls out a smooth leather book that I recognize as a bible. She places it gently in my hands, looks me straight in the eyes, and walks slowly back towards the car, closing the door behind her.